Parenting with All the Pieces

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

So this weekend the holiday is over. In Texas school is over for the summer in some places that has not happened yet. This weekend talk to your teenager about what they want to do over the summer. Make a plan. The summer does not need to be completely planned but some goals are reasonable. There should be fun things and growth things. Too often today teenagers see summer as their "vacation" and they don't have to do anything. Sherri

TURNING DECISION MAKING OVER TO YOUR TEENAGER

Our teenagers are attempting to learn to grow up and to make good decisions. Along the way they are going to make some decisions that do not turn out well. As the parents we need to guide them through this process. When they were younger they usually just did what we had taught them to do. When they entered adolescence they had to throw out what we had taught them and figure out things on their own. This is such a big part of adolescent development. As parents we need to listen to them talk about this process and encourage the decisions that turn out well and process with them those that do not turn out as well. Whether a decision turns out well is not about if it is the decision that we would have made but what was the outcome. They are more likely to include us in this process if we are accepting and not critical. This really puts our consulting and listening skills to the test. We will get more acting out and distancing when we try to control them and the outcome. This is a difficult transition for both them and for us. So, gear up and get your listening skills ready. You are in for a fun ride. Sherri

SUMMER VACATIONS

Now that we are getting into summer it is time to think about vacations. Does your family take a vacation? I think vacations are important. It doesn't mean that you have to go far away and spend a great deal of money. What it does mean is that this is special time with your kids to spend time together without the burden of work and chores. You may not get to go away from home but there needs to be time to just enjoy each other. A vacation is not just about getting away. I knew a teenager once where the family took vacations with other families but the teenagers never interacted with their parents. This does not help that bonding factor. Our kids need to spend time with us where we are not stressed by the factors at work and home. We need to enjoy each other. I hope you are able to spend some time like that this year. Sherri

CELEBRATE YOUR TEEN’S GRADUATION

Some of you are looking at high school graduation. This is such an exciting time for our teenagers. They have reached a very large milestone and hopefully have some good plans for the future. Whatever their plan might be this is a rite of passage. I do not believe we have enough celebrations of milestones in our culture. Whatever your plan might be, try to make this a celebration that is about the accomplishment and the door to their future. Have a great time celebrating with your teen and this is a launching to their adult life. Sherri

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

This week I have been working on our parenting book so that is foremost in my head. Because of that I have an unusual family challenge. If you have a situation come up with your teen this weekend that is upsetting please take a break before you discuss the situation so that you can start that discussion in a calm manner. If you are willing to try this I would be very interested in how it works. Thanks for helping. Sherri

LECTURING TEENAGERS

When our children are small we do a great deal of teaching. We are explaining so many things. They are a blank slate and were must explain everything. As they get older they have this background but we get stuck in this teaching mode. When they are teenagers we continue this as it morphs into lecturing. I heard parents say all the time I don't understand what is wrong with them they do not listen to me. This is code for they are not doing what I say. Interestingly enough the teenagers tell me their parents are not listening to them; also because they are not allowing them to do what they want.

We miss the transition from teaching to discussing and listening. We need to listen more and lecture less. With teenagers the teaching may have morphed into lecturing. We do nothing with the lectures but create distance. And we give our power away. Work on not lecturing and listening more. Sherri

If there is a topic you would like to hear about. an issue you would like us to address please make a comment and we will be happy to respond. Thanks for your interest. Sherri and Dr. Debra

A SIMPLE STEP FOR MAKING THINGS BETTER

There are topics I tend to revisit. I have likely talked about emotional bank accounts. This is a concept of Stephen Covey's in the 7 Habits Book. Essentially he says that in relationships we need to keep emotional bank accounts with each other. If you make enough deposits you can make a withdrawal. If you have not made enough deposits and you make a withdrawal you will be over drawn. A withdrawal does not have to be a huge thing. Take out the trash is a withdrawal. If you think about your family in this context you can remember a time when someone or you made a withdrawal and there was a BIG reaction. That's being overdrawn. With our kids it is imperative to make enough deposits. Deposits need to be authentic. By the way it is also important make deposits with your spouse. As you do this you will be modeling to your kids about making deposits. Do not get into having a big family meeting about making deposits. Just start doing it and see what happens. Sherri

TEACHING TRUST

As parents we have so many important things to teach our teens. One of these important topics is trust. Teaching our teens to trust others starts in toddlerhood. This is such an important developmental step - learning that there are people who care about you and you can trust them. Understanding this is essential for your teen to have healthy relationships with others throughout their lives. Once our teen has the ability to think through choices, he can see from past interactions that his parent has often made choices that are in his best interest. This understanding builds trust. When a parent has a disagreement with his teen, the foundation of trust can be so helpful in resolving the disagreement. So how do you as a parent continue to teach trust? Being a consultant to your teen about his life - talking him through difficult decisions but not telling him what to do - helps solidify trust. By doing this you are also teaching your teen that he can trust himself to make good choices - which is crucial in helping him become a young adult who feels competent. Dr. Debra

TEACHING OUR CHILDREN TO FAIL TO BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES

I see many adult women primarily who are stuck in their lives; unable to take chances or move ahead in their lives because they have a very loud, critical voice in their head that continues to tell them they don't measure up. Frequently this voice comes from an overcritical parent in their childhood. For many of these adults they may have heard other voices and this parent may have also said positive things and they may have ben fun at times but what gets stuck in their head is that they are not good enough; don't measure up. I find this voice is so strong it is very difficult to alter these messages so the individual can move on with life. What I would really like to see is that in the business of parenting we realize how damaging this voice can be and work very hard to alter this behavior. I think changing any behavior is difficult but not impossible. Sherri

PARENTS AS MURDERERS?!

A very chilling story was released today about a 10 year old boy who had been starved to death by his father and stepmother. The father had been punishing the boy and had placed him on rations of water, bread, and milk. The boy's remains were found in a creek and identified. How might your teen react to reading or seeing a story about parents being the murderers of their child? Your teen will likely see this on the news. Asking him about his response could be very helpful. Take this opportunity to point out that these parents were obviously troubled and that evil can exist in different forms. I think that talking about this can reduce your teen's fears. Dr. Debra

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

This weekend is mother's day. There is no weekend family challenge but a wish for you to enjoy your children and allow them to celebrate you this weekend. Have a great Mother's Day. Sherri

TEENS AND SUMMER

Most teens will be out of school within a month.  We have talked before about how important it is to start thinking about how to help your teen finish the school year and plan for summer.  I think that having fun is a major priority for teens in the summer - and having fun is important.  But your teen needs to value fun with service, work, and preparation for future interests.  A job can be extremely important - your teen learns the importance of work and service through a job.  And this can be combined with exploring future interests - for example, working in a hospital in some capacity can help the teen learn about healthcare interests.

While helping with your teen's planning, do make sure that fun is added into the mix!

Dr. Debra

WHO IS IN CHARGE HERE?

Last night saw David Letterman talking to Dr. Phil about his son, Harry. Harry is eight, defiant and tries to make all his decisions in the family. With our children it is important to establish who has the power. In therapy we often look at who has the power the parents or the child. You do not have to be controlling, raging or dictatorial among other things to have power but children feel safer when they know someone is in charge. Kids do not want the power but when they have it they do not want to give it up. This is not usually because they enjoy having the power but they don't necessarily trust that the parents will maintain the power in a constructive way.

Parents maintain power by determining in advance where they stand on various issues. Parents have to decide if a stand is negotiable or nonnegotiable. If an issue is nonnegotiable, and the child pushes the limit, parents have to maintain their stand. It is perfectly alright to say, "This is nonnegotiable." When kids whine, complain have a temper tantrum etc. they learn they can get the power if they persevere. Kids also get the power when they can drive their parents off the track. Even when a parent does not give in but rages back the parent loses. This is a very important issue. It is about helping our children develop trust in us and ultimately in others. Watch to see where the power balance is in your family. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND ANGER

It is not uncommon for me to be referred teenagers that have anger management issues. This is a very appropriate referral. Teenagers with anger issues are not likely to outgrow that problem. At times there is a biochemical component; it can be anxiety, depression, Bipolar Disorder or ADHD among other things. At other times it is behavioral in nature. When it is behavioral it is important for parents and significant care givers to evaluate what they are modeling for anger management. We pick up the behaviors we see modeled. At other times the teenager need help in understanding there should be a volume control on emotions not a toggle switch. I ask people to rate their anger on a scale from 1 to 10. A 10 is something that would really be a catastrophe and 1 not very bad. I then ask them to place an event on this scale. It seems to help them keep the emotions in perspective. This does not work when kids are getting into a rage but if you have a teen that struggles with anger management you might see if this would work. I hope it helps. Sherri

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

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