Parenting with All the Pieces

SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO BE OUT FOR SUMMER

We have talked about this before - but school is about to be out once again for summertime!  Are you ready?  Are your teens ready?

How do you get prepared for the end of school?  Help your teen organize himself for final exams and the completion of final projects.  As we know, mentally checking out of school before school is actually over can have painful consequences academically.

Another important project at this time is to review any plans you have made about summer schedules, work, camp, and other expectations such as community service for summer.

Be certain to celebrate with your teen the end of school by spending some time talking about the end of the year - what was good about the year and what he feels he accomplished this year.

And have some fun this summer!

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

SPRING AND CHANGE IS COMING

We are ending the first weekend in March.  Even in areas of the country where the weather is cold, people have started thinking about spring.  Teens are especially excited because spring means that summer is just around the corner.

Spring signifies growth and change.  All of us are looking forward to warmer weather after winter.  Many of us welcome the change of spring.  Your teen has pressures at this time of year, however.

What are some of the challenges of spring for teens?  The last nine weeks of school are characterized by spring break, projects to complete, final exams.  For juniors, the SAT and ACT are usually taken during this time and for seniors, the decision about college must be made.

How can you be helpful to your teen?  Help him think about how to schedule himself so that he gets adequate sleep while he has so much going on at school.  Ask him to talk about his stressors.  And make sure that he gets some fun time during this three month marathon to the end of the school year.

Dr. Debra

PICKING COLLEGES

I find many families are in the throes of looking at colleges. Either their teen is a high school junior or a senior or they are choosing from the places where they have been accepted. Either way; this is a big decision to be made by the teenagers. Sort of scary isn't it. Too often I talk with college students that didn't make it at their first college. At times the choice of college was what the parents wanted. This is what I think parents need to tell their kids about college choices:

1. This is the amount of money we have available to help with college. Or this is what we will pay for. Parents are not obligated to put themselves into debt to pay for college. If your teen understands this up front they can make a more informed decision about the schools they choose to investigate.
2. Parents can help the teen investigate the kinds of information they need to make an informed choice. But this is if the teen wants the help.
3. When a teen selects a college 1500 miles from home parents can support that decision but make sure they understand the ramifications of visiting from that distance.
4. When we feel a teen is making a decision based on factors like that is where my boyfriend is going parents should express their concerns if they have them.

As they narrow down the choices it is nice when they will discuss with you their thought about particular schools. If your teen is incredibly shy and tends to isolate you may want to discuss their expectations about building a social network in the schools they are looking at. This holds true for anything that might be a deal breaker for your teen and a particular school.

They may not know what they want to major in and that is perfectly alright. They will grow and have new experiences in college that will help direct those decisions. But if they are fairly set on engineering for example and hate writing and literature you could discuss the pros and cons of a liberal arts program vs. a more technical school. These discussions are just to help them think through their own decision.

This is a very exciting and scary time for them and an exciting and "griefish" time for us. This is the time parents need to serve as the consultant and not the decision maker. Good luck and I hope it goes well. Sherri

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE YOUNGER GENERATION?

Today I listened to most of or all of a NPR show on the Millennia generation. I have looked at this before but was impressed about the new take on the issues prevalent with this generation. I have tended to see the theory that this is a very narcissistic generation and the future looked very bleak. This report talked about the trauma they have experienced in their life time with 9-11 and Columbine. They have known 2 wars and an economic collapse. We may need a new template to look at how they see the future and their part in it. It is not uncommon for me to hear a young adult tell me I was promised a job if I went to college and did well. I tell them this was not really a promise. I have been thinking about this and I think I thought that when I graduated from college. I was a sociology and anthropology major and thought I was "promised a job". I did get a job just not the one I had hoped for whatever that was. I believe I thought that also. Today there are no promises but we still tell kids go to college so you can get a good job but then we can't deliver. So this generation may need more guidance and understanding and maybe we need to be more open to the template that is their life. Just thoughts. Sherri

Dads as Role Models for Teens

Like it or not, our teens are watching our behaviors.  Boys look to their fathers to teach them how to behave in many areas of their lives.  Girls look to their fathers to learn what are positive attributes in a man.  And both boys and girls look at their parent's interactions to learn about relationships.  So how do we become positive role models for our teens?  I say "Let them catch us being good."

We should think about our interactions and words being viewed, and we should behave in a way that we want our teens to behave.  We should interact in a respectful way with our family members, listen and think before responding, and model good health habits.  Our teens should see us exercising, eating in a healthy manner, balancing work with relaxation.  This is one of the most important things we can do - model good healthy behavior and interactions.

Dr. Debra

WHEN PARENTS ARE STRUGGLING

There are times in our life when things are going poorly. This could be a financial issue, work related, marital stress, a health issue, or a host of many other things. In our role of parenting this requires special handling. Usually, our children do not need to know the details of our struggle. They may see us crying, or hear parents fighting. It is reasonable to let them know that even moms and dads have difficult days at times. You might relate it to a struggle they have had with a peer or sibling. You should reassure them that they are safe and you have the tools to work it out. If this is a very difficult and long term issue they could benefit from professional counseling. All of this being said; kids are usually resilient and when they see us overcome a difficulty they learn that handling something and moving on is possible for them in their lives too. I wish for you pleasant times but this is for those difficult times that invariably come. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND SELF-WORTH

I see many teens in my practice. I find that usually I have to spend part of my time with each one boosting their self-worth. Even though they may appear to be arrogant or self-absorbed; they are frequently not as confident under the surface. I find one simple solution is to provide them with lots and lots of positives. Positive comments need to be authentic and specific. We probably need to be doing this with everyone in our lives we find important to us but especially with our children. There are other things that make a difference. Pay attention to the activities that they do well. Not because you want them to be successful in that activity but they excel and they seem to love it. Give them support and encouragement in those activities. It is important for you to be a good role model. Make sure you don't practice negative self-talk. Don't put yourself down. Encourage positive relationships and their involvement in those relationships. Just make sure you are not trying to put your agenda on your teen. You may have a teen with good self-worth but if not try a few things to help this. Sherri

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

When a marriage cannot be repaired there are times when divorce in imminent. Whether we are looking at small children or teenagers divorce is stressful for the kids. First of all, kids of whatever age need to know what will happen to them. Where will I live, when will I see each parent. What about holidays and my birthday. How will I get money for college? This is not selfish on the part of the children but simply practical. Children do not need to know that reason for the divorce. Parents should never, never use kids as a sounding board. Children will handle divorce as well as parents do. This means that if parents fight a great deal during this process it will be upsetting to the kids. They need to be able to see both parents just about us much as they want. Certainly it goes without saying that this does not apply when the divorce is a result of any type of abuse of the child. When adults take actions to have a child whether planned or not there is a responsibility to be the guides for that child. This does not change when there is a divorce. If you are struggling in your marriage I hope it can be worked out but if not remember the responsibility you have to your children. Sherri

TRUST AND YOUR TEENAGER

Since I work with teenagers and their families we are frequently looking at issues related to trust. Parents need to be able to trust their teenagers and this is likely an ongoing process. It is also not a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. As the parents we need to not get to the place where we say "I will never trust you again" or the often used "I cannot trust you until you are 30". When there is a violation of trust we need to put in place a "plan" to rebuild that trust. That means you may have to be watching and checking up on until the trust seems to be rebuilt. Also, know that as your teenager develops there will be another occasion to rebuild the trust again. As we are building, loosing and rebuilding this trust they are building trust with us. They need to trust us to be the adults. They need to know we are there to guide them in the process of becoming adults. They need to trust we will not overreact. Yeah, really try to not overreact. Believe me the job is not done when they turn 13 – 16 – 18; you pick the age. Sherri

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

What do I mean?  Respect for others means listening politely when they express ideas with which you do not agree.  Respect describes a code of conduct where you value other people's right to think differently, to worship differently, and to live differently from the way in which you conduct yourself.  And respect is a reciprocal interaction, not a one-way street.   In our society today, which is so polarized, we hear that not following the party line means that we don't matter.  So how in the world do we teach our teens respect?

We teach our teens respect by pointing out to them that the adult members of our population, as exhibited frequently in our media, are woefully lacking in this virtue.  We teach them that even though our elected officials behave in a disrespectful manner to many members of our society, that this does not make their behavior the right behavior.  We model respect for them by the way in which we talk about others  - even those with whom we disagree.  We show respect in the highest form by listening, but not compromising our core values of integrity, respect, family values, and work.

By behaving in this manner and having open discussions with our teens, we will possibly earn their respect as well.

Dr. Debra

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER DISAPPOINTS YOU

It is not uncommon to hear parents talk to me about feeling disappointed about something their teenager has done. This can be about grades, a decision they have made or many other things. Sometimes the "thing" is really big and sometimes it just feels really big. Either way it is something that needs to be discussed. We often have to remind ourselves about adolescence. Teenagers don't usually do something just to disappoint parents. However, it may feel like that at times. The decision making process is just not finished yet and they make decisions that are not thought out well. They can be very impulsive and act without really thinking. Now, there are times when they are not setting out to disappoint us but they are rebelling and they often direct that at whatever they think might "get" to us. They don't really think that out so well but that is still the agenda. In those instances our best defense is to not over react. The calmer we are the more they lose the power of their action.

Whatever the agenda we need to say calm and discuss the incident with them. When they are not ready to talk take a break and then try again.

Good Luck Sherri

TRUST BETWEEN TEENS AND PARENTS

I see a number of teenagers and their families. I think trust becomes a very big issue. Of course there is the usual of being able to trust your kid. But trust is bigger than that. I think the relationship that needs to be developed is one where each can trust the other's reactions. Teenagers need to know that their parents will not "go ballistic" when they mess up. They need to understand that their parents have their back. Not, no matter what, but that when they are wronged they are there for them without taking over and when they are wrong that they will hold their feet to the fire without demeaning them. They need to know that parents will listen and try to understand. They need to know that their opinion matters even when parents disagree. However, families are not a democracy. Parents are in charge. Parents need to trust that their teenagers will talk to them even if it is not always as soon as they need to. But if something bad happens they will talk to them even if it means they might get" in trouble". I have seen so many teenagers, especially girls where something bad has happened like rape or sexual abuse and they don't tell their parents.

If you don't have this trust at this time it is not too late to begin. Start listening. Remember to not overreact, even if you have to leave the room to calm down. Teenagers are not yet adults and they do not have all the skills in problem solving and responding that they will acquire in a few years. It would take long to begin to see changes.

Sherri

ANGER AND CRITICAL THINKING

Anger and critical thinking - how can those possibly coexist?  You cannot have good critical thinking and problem-solving skills when you are angry.  And this is the very reason you must work with your teen to help him or her with learning to manage his anger. 

Being emotionally overwhelmed whether one is anger or anxious stops the ability to think through a problem and find a solution.  So how do you help your teen with this?  The first thing to do is to model for your teen how you handle being angry.  If your teen sees you handle anger in a positive way, he will often model this behavior.  Unfortunately, he will model negative ways to handle anger if that is what you teach him by your behavior.

Discuss with your teen the concept of taking a "personal time out."  This means learning how to take ten minutes or longer if needed to separate oneself from the issue or person which is contributing to the feelings of anger.  Having a discussion about your teen going to a separate room for a personal time out can be very beneficial.  Then discuss with your teen how to think through the issues ONCE HE IS CALM.  Learning to not make decisions when angry is a big step in critical thinking.

So teaching your teen an immediate way to lower anger and then teaching him how to think through his problem and give this time before making a decision helps build his critical thinking skills.

Dr. Debra