Parenting with All the Pieces

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week we have talked a lot about the unhappiness of American teens. Sometime this weekend ask your teen about how happy he is. Have him explain to you why he is happy.... or why he is unhappy. Try to listen to when he says. If he is experiencing unhappiness, work with him to think of ways to change his behavior and expectations so that he can feel happy.

Unhappy Teens

Sherri wrote an excellent blog about American children being only second to British children in unhappiness. What an eye-opener this was to me! We are an advanced nation which offers so much in opportunities. As I began to think about this, I started to realize that our teens are so over-scheduled.

How can we help our teens learn to be if not happy, perhaps content with their lives? I think that the first thing we do is try to model balance and happiness for our teens. How often to they hear us griping about our jobs or not having enough money or other issues in our lives? Probably too often considering the stressors parents face. Perhaps if we began to look at the things in our lives for which we are grateful and start expressing those sentiments our teens might start thinking differently about their lives.

Help your teen identify the things in his life for which he is grateful: food to eat, a roof over his head, clothes to wear, a school to attend, a parent(s) who care about him, friends. All of these things are frequently taken for granted by people who have them. But the absence of these things makes us realize that we should have realized we have so much to be happy about every day.

Life is full of difficulties. Identifying the things in life which help us get through helps us become happy. And isn't that what we want for our children?

Dr Debra

 

AMERICAN CHILDREN – THE SECOND MOST UNHAPPY CHILDREN IN THE WORLD

Today on Good Morning America I heard that American Children are the second most unhappy children in the world. We are preceded only by England. This kind of peeked my interest. I found this a bit confusing and also very concerning. I have blogged about the book GenMe. The author talks about how we are raising children to feel they can do or be anything; that they are perfect and wonderful, among other things. It seems we do this because we don't want our children to feel unhappy or unsuccessful. We know this has caused us problems in the area of failure to launch and in the development of a fairly narcissistic generation. But does this mean we have failed at using this as a way for our children to be happy?????

I have looked at this study and it is the United Nations Innocenti Research Center Report Card 7 if you are interested. It looks the well-being of children in "rich" countries. England and the United States scored the worse. I have said for a while now that I do not feel we are a society that cherishes children. I think the people conducting this study would agree. In their report they have a quote. "The true measure of a nation's standing is how well it attends to its children – their health and safety, their material security, their education and socialization, and their sense of being loved, valued, and included in the families and societies into which they are born." In this report card the United States ranked 20 out of 21……..

We should be ashamed. Beyond that, this should be a call to action; not only as a nation, but in our individual families. Maybe being so child focused has not played out so well for us. Children need structure; they need a balance between freedom and boundaries. Children do not, let me repeat DO NOT, fare well when the rules are too lax. They should be helped to know their gifts and talents and provided ways to pursue those gifts and talents. Most children are not good at everything and we should quit telling them that they are. We also have kids so overscheduled I wonder if these activities are for them or for us. Our expectations, in the name of giving the best for my child, have taken away family life and in some ways childhood. Whose expectations relate to all these activities and demands on their time? I heard this fall that one third of all Texas High School graduates entering college this fall could not meet minimum requirements in reading, math and English. That is one third entering college from this magical educational state. We now in the state of Texas start Reading, Writing and Math in Kindergarten. We start earlier and get a worse result. I'm getting into a rant so I will back off.

Recently Dr. Debra and I have blogged about being role models, the value of report cards, showing our children how much they are loved and the balance between doing too much and doing too little. All of this contributes to our children's well-being. Whatever your role in life, look at ways to make a better impact in the lives of the children in your life. In addition, we should look into ways to alter what is happening in our culture that has us so far down on this list. We need to make this a priority. If we unite around this issue we can change this. Sherri

I JUST WANT YOU TO LOVE ME

It is not uncommon for me to hear teenagers tell me that they just want to know that their parent(s) love them. I also hear adults tell me the same thing; I just want to know my parents love me or that they did love me. This is such a hard thing to hear. Do parents not love their children? I know that this will be a blog that will not relate to most of you who are good parents and who have children that feel loved. But for those parents that this relates to it is important to hear what I have to say. Once I worked with a family where the parents were asked to tell their 13 year old daughter that they loved her every day. One parent did this consistently but one could not do the assignment. Did that parent love that child? I believed so but could not tell her.

This is an obvious situation. What I usually hear about it more subtle. The things that teenagers tell me are about these things:

• Parents get angry with their children and yell at them. I frequently remind you that yelling at kids is like trying to steer a car by honking the horn. When we yell at our children they do not feel loved.
• Sometimes parents are demeaning toward their children. When this occurs they feel like they can't be good enough to earn your love.
• Sometimes parents do not make time for their children and when that happens they feel unimportant.
• When we don't listen to our children they feel undervalued.

As parents we don't always think about the things we say. When I was growing up and was difficult my parents would tell me they were going to take me to the local orphanage and drop me off and I could live there; maybe then I would appreciate what I had. Whenever we were in the car on our way somewhere and our path took us by that orphanage I was always fearful they were going to drop me off there. Our kids hold onto the things we tell them.

We all survived these difficult situations; even me. So why is this important? I think that as teenagers, children that don't trust that they are loved are more likely to look for love in other ways. I see 12 year old girls that are determined to have sex. I also see teens dating earlier than developmentally they are ready and as I said, having sex earlier. Often they are looking for love. We want our children to feel loved so they don't go looking for love somewhere else. This is not the only reason for this but it is a factor. This week think about your interactions with your teen. Do your behaviors possibly cause them to feel disheartened? Do they hear often enough that your love them unconditionally? (They also need conditional love but that is for another blog.) It is not easy raising teenagers and their behaviors push the limits often but as their parents it is our job to correct the behaviors not to shame the kid. I hope you find you pass the test but if not (or even if you do) tell your teen more often how much better your life is because of them. Our future is at stake here. Sherri

Report Cards: What do they tell us?

Report cards will probably coming out soon for most students.  The first report card of the new school year is usually awaited with some anxiety from both teens and their parents.  All of us know that academic performance - grades - are important in determining college acceptance.  But grades seem to take on an even greater importance for some teens and parents.

Parents often look at grades as a measure of whether they are parenting successfully or not.  Marginal or failing grades can cause a reaction in the parent that he or she has somehow failed as well.  Students look at their grades as a measure of their self-worth; some students feel that their grade defines who they are.  Students and parents who think about grades in this way are missing what grades really tell us.

Grade reporting reflects how well a student is grasping information, budgeting their time, being organized, and prioritizing.  A low grade may not necessarily mean the student is not understanding the material.  It may mean that he is not completing his assignments because he is preoccupied with something else or he is involved in too many extracurricular activities.  A low grade could reflect that the student is not mastering key concepts in the subject and may need extra help academically.  And a low grade may reflect that the student is struggling with other issues which may be impacting his attention and focus.  But a grade is not a reflection of that student's worth.

Parents who become alarmed due to low grades need to evaluate what is going on with their teen and try to help him correct what the problem is - whether is is mastery of academic concepts, difficulty with time management, or other circumstances which are interfering in his academic pursuits.  Parents should definitely NOT see a low grade as being indicative that they are not being good parents.

And for those students who bring home good grades, parents need to remember that those grades are their teen's grades, not theirs.  Congratulate your teen for good grades and have him tell you what he is doing to be successful.

Report cards are all about helping our teen know where he is at and what he needs to continue doing or what he needs to change.  Parenting is all about helping our teen evaluate information and learn to make good choices.

Dr Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY PROJECT

This weekend as you go through your regular weekend activities why don't you watch for the ways you and your parenting partner role model for your children. At the end of the weekend sort of evaluate how you think you did. Note the times you feel proud of the things that you did but also the things you might want to change in the future. Just make note so that in the future you can pay closer attention to the good role modeling things you do. Have a great time. Sherri

PARENTING IS A WORK IN PROGRESS

I just read this in Sherri's last blog, which was an excellent commentary on how to parent teenagers.

Remember when your teenager was a toddler?  I do - and I remember thinking that I would never learn how to deal with oppositional behavior.  But watching her reactions, listening to other parents, and reading  information by experts helped me learn how to be a better parent.

How does this apply to parenting teens?  The same principles apply:  listening to and observing your child, developing a support group of people you can trust, finding good reference material, and trying to implement this information is the best way to improve your parenting.  But remember that parenting is truly a work in process.

Dr. Debra

 

HOW MUCH IS TOO MUCH? – HOW LITTLE IS TOO LITTLE?

Parenting teenagers is a pretty tough job. There is really no guide book that tells you what to do in every situation. All kinds of people and places will give you their opinion but it still has to be an individual decision for each parent. As the parent it is not always easy to know just what to do; when to go the distance and when to punt. I started to write that there is no right or wrong answer but that is just not true. The parent that is so worried that their teen will get into drugs, get pregnant etc. so they lock them up and try to protect them by not allowing them to be exposed to anything that "could" lead to further problems, has gone too far. The parent that doesn't want to hinder them so there are no rules is doing too little. There are also the parents that get into denial. They don't notice when their teen comes in drunk. They find drug paraphernalia and just return it to its hiding place and bury their head in the sand are also doing too little.

The truth is that your teenager will make bad decisions. Even the really bright teenagers make bad decisions. Even those with really good common sense will make bad decisions. When you were first learning to do something, either as a child or as an adult, you made some bad decisions. That is how we learn. Teenagers are learning how to be adults. You must give them opportunities to make their own decisions and at times to fail. When they fail they need a chance to fix what occurred. However, when you see them driving head on with a freight train you need to tell them the train is coming. There are some circumstances when you need to step in and redirect or get them help. Some of these instances are when substance abuse is involved, when they are in an abusive relationship, and when there are mental health issues that need treatment (this includes suicide, self-harm, eating disorders among others).

This seems like common sense but we get into our own way. There are many factors that could effect our parenting: how we were parented, how we are feeling at the time, our own mental health issues, how we handle conflict, variables in our life currently, (I recently heard that as the jobless rate goes up the incident of child abuse is rising). This list could certainly go on and on. Don't be afraid to take a critical look at the interventions you make and avoid with your teenager. If you are finding that maybe your plan is not the best you can regroup. There is a lot at stake here. Parenting is a work in progress. You can always change what you are doing. Sherri

PARENTS AS ROLE MODELS

I really liked Dr. Debra's last two blogs. I want to continue to talk about her blog on cheating. I agree with Dr. Debra that as parents we serve as role models. This happens whether we want it to or not. I am reminded of many years ago when my first born child was just a young toddler. I cursed about something and later she repeated what I had said. When I heard this I was humiliated. For the most part that was the end of my cursing. So how many of you have not been in that situation? I think there is more to role modeling that we may think about.

Obviously, what our children see us do serves as a role model. If we take the incorrect change in a store and joke about how we made out that time, it is not what we want our children to see. But there are also more subtle ways to serve as roles models. There are all kinds of ways we do this on the highway for example and don't even think about it. Driving with a radar detector is one way. Continually exceeding the speed limit is another. In my office I always think I can't be surprised by human behavior anymore and then I find another example. I am amazed by the number (yes you read that correctly – number) of adults and teens that tell me about one parent having an affair and taking them (as a child) with them and have them wait in the living room, the car etc. Nothing more to say on this. Except, they are told not to tell the other parent; are you kidding me? Don't tell the other parent is so common. I remember being a teenager and my mother backing into a light pole. She told me not to tell my father. I'm thinking… he won't see this???? Kids are told all the time not to tell the other parent. WHAT ARE WE THINKING?

Our children also learn from how they see us react to cheating. It doesn't matter if it is at home, with friends and relatives, on the TV or certainly (can you imagine) in politics (the people who run our country). I don't believe we are a society that places value on not cheating. We would say we value trustworthiness but our actions do not support this. Okay, someone is reading this and saying but not me and you're right. But on the whole, this is sadly true. So when we discover cheating personally or more globally, as we discuss it even with our spouse, peers etc. we are being heard and we need to think about how we really feel about something before we begin to talk.

I guess as I write this I am thinking that we say we value trustfulness but we need to think about that and be sure that is how we really feel and if it is than are we doing things that might not be in keeping with this belief system. If we find discord between our beliefs and are actions we might consider changing those actions. It would be good and desirable to tell our kids about this process and making this change. Teens need to know that you can change something; that it is possible. So this week look at your beliefs on truthfulness and then your actions. Are they in harmony or do you need to make a course correction? Thanks for think about this with me. Sherri

CHEATING

Cheating comes in so many forms:  academic cheating, sports cheating, spouse cheating, financial cheating. Our teens usually encounter cheating at school.  Many schools have honor codes not so that if a student is aware of someone cheating, that student is supposed to alert a teacher. How do teens view the honor code?

Many teens make statements like "Everyone cheats - it is O.K."  I recently heard "The only way to get fair treatment on a test is to cheat - everyone cheats."  Cheating occurs not only in the academic world, but we are always hearing about some sports team which has cheated in some way.  The message our teens receive is that cheating is acceptable - after all, their sports hero has done it.

This makes cheating on a spouse or the family or in financial transactions O.K. as well to the teen.  After all, the most successful folks do it.  How many teens can tell you about their own family or a friend's family having one of the parents have an affair? 

The definition of cheating is "using an unfair advantage in transactions" or "to deceive or trick."  We need to start helping our teens understand that when they cheat they are also cheating themselves.  By cheating - you never are fully prepared for the next level - and the cycle of cheating continues.

Setting a positive example for your teen in how you live your life is the best way to teach them that cheating is not an appropriate way to do business in work or your relationships.  Talk to your teen about cheating and better ways to deal with stressful academic or work situations.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

I know this is a frightening and depressing topic.  School has started back.  Many teens are feeling a lot of stress with the challenges of a new school year.

Although this is a topic most of us would prefer to not even think about, I encourage you this weekend to bring the topic up and ask your teen how he would react.  Reassure your teen that it is very unlikely he would ever have to face this, but thinking about it in advance as to how he would respond could help him in the future in some other situation.  Get his opinion as to why people engage in school shootings. 

Dr Debra

TRAUMA IN SCHOOLS

Most of us think about trauma in the school setting occurring from bullying, teacher conflict, or peer conflict.  All of these issues can impact your teen.  We need to be aware of these stresses and traumas and help our teens cope.

But sometimes the unthinkable happens.  A person may bring a gun to school and open fire.  A teen may be assaulted and seriously injured in the school setting.  Our media brings to our attention all the horrible school incidents, such as school shootings.

What should we be doing about this?  Educating our teen about how to react in an unthinkable situation can help them if they ever find themselves in this situation.  I remember the Virginia Tech shooting; the college students who survived did so because of thinking in a clear manner. 

All of us hope our teen never has to face a situation in which he is threatened or sees others be threatened.  But we need to talk to our teen about these issues when we see them in the media as a way to help our teen develop awareness and think about how he might respond.

Dr Debra

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE – MOTHER LOVE

Someone once told me that children need both mother love and father love. Mother love is unconditional love; I love you no matter what you do. Father love is I love you but I have expectations for your behavior. Small children need unconditional love and this often seems easier to provide. But no one needs unconditional love more than teenagers. This is the time in our lives that we feel most disconnected and like a misfit. We can lose sight of this when we are struggling so much with behavioral issues. When our children are small we have been trained to say I love you but I am upset with your behavior. As teenagers we still need to keep this attitude.

No matter what your teenager is dealing with remember to tell them daily that you love them and tell them something you love about them. It makes the statement feel more real. There should be no hidden agenda when you do this. In truth you do love this teenager and you may always like their behavior but you still love them it is just that at time you forget that. Don't forget. Sherri

SCHOOL MILE MARKERS

School is now in full swing for everyone. Before school started we discussed setting goals for your high school student in a different manner than maybe in the past. So often we cheerlead our children when they say this year is going to be different. I will do my work and get better grades. We are hopeful and then the first six weeks ends and we see that things are not so different. This is the time to check in with our kids and see how things are going. Some schools have these interesting websites that allow parents to check grades etc. If you have the unfortunate experience of finding out that your child is not doing so well that just means they need more help with this than they had thought. It is time to work with your child to create a new plan. Do they need tutoring? Are they having issues with balancing homework time with the rest of their life? Are there too many extracurricular activities which complicate the balance in their lives? Too often parents threaten …. " If you don't get your grades up I will PULL YOU OUT of……" This will not work well. It would be better to discuss with them how to create a better balance. Even teenagers want to be successful in school. They may not always act as if this were true. You want to be careful to not get into a power struggle with them about school where they have to try to "win". See this time as just a mile marker checking to see how things are going and to make course corrections if necessary. Good luck. Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: 9/11 MEMORIES AND EXPLANATIONS

Tomorrow is the tenth year anniversary of 9/11.  Spend some time talking to your teen about your memories of 9/11 and your understandings of how this happened.  Ask your teen if he/she has any memories or ideas of 9/11.  Talk to your teen about where you would reunite with them in the event of a crisis or disaster in your area.

Dr Debra

9/11 : A day to remember

Sherri's comments n 9/11 are so important for us to be thinking about as we talk with your teens.  Many of our teens have no clear memory of their day on 9/11.  Help your teen by talking about your teen's schedule on that day.  Talk to your teen about your response on 9/11 to the terrible tragedy that struck our nation.

On the front of a magazine this week, I saw an article about the children of 9/11.  The article chronicled a number of children who were babies or not yet born on that fateful day.  The current thoughts of those preteens are interesting.  The sense of someone missing from their family is present in the article. 

Discuss the impact on the families who lost a member that day.  Take time to have your teen tell you how he thinks those families have functioned since that day.  Ask your teen to describe the significance of that day in his life and what lessons he may have learned from this event.

Remember that day - and honor the memories of those who died.

Dr Debra

 

Teenagers and Nine Eleven

This morning for the third day in a row the morning news/talk shows were addressing the 10^th anniversary of Nine Eleven. As I was listening I reflected on my own memories of that time and where I am about all of this today. I then realized that today's teenagers did not really experience that time. They would have been very small children and not likely to have really understood what was happening. I know they learned about this in school and hear all about it in many ways but how often do you talk with your teens about what that time was like and what is now like for you today.

Sit down with your teens and talk about what they understand and what it has all meant for your family and for our country. This is the kind of dialogue we encourage you to have with your children. As always remember to listen as you talk together. I would be interested in hearing what you learn. Sherri

Politics and Your Teen

Our media is constantly bombarding us with political news.  Do you ever wonder how your teen thinks about politics?  You might be very surprised about his ideas.

Many teens will choose to listen to political views that are different from those heard in their household.  And many teens will announce that they believe this different political viewpoint is correct.  Why?  Adolescence is a time for teens to question their parents and themselves.  The task for the teenager is to develop an identity.  Some teens feel very comfortable assuming an identity congruent with their family's belief system.  But many teens, in order to develop their own identity, feel the need to question the family belief system.

Parents often become upset and angry when their teen discusses different political views.  Remember that their teen is trying to become his own person.  And after exploring the other side of an issue, that teen may decide that the family belief system fits him also.  Parents reacting in a very negative way will often cause the teen to shut down and not discuss issues with the parents.

Encourage your teen to talk with you about he believes.  And don't get angry (even though it may be difficult)!  If your teen can discuss ideas openly with you, you are helping him in his journey.

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day this weekend.  This holiday was originally established due to labor unions establishing better working conditions.  We typically view this holiday as the last weekend of summer. 

Spend this weekend talking with your teen about work, and the importance of having time for rest, family, and fun. 

And have an enjoyable weekend too!

Dr Debra