Parenting with All the Pieces

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

So, since it is hot almost everywhere in the country this weekend.  Watch a movie with meaning, Brave or one of your choosing.  That can give you time to talk and the prospects are unlimited on what talk it might stimulate.  Sherri

WHEN YOU HATE WHO YOUR TEENAGER IS DATING

Dating is a big part of adolescence. We have addresses various issues in teenage dating in the past. It is not infrequent for me to see families where the parents hate the significant other. This seems to occur more with girls than boys. There are times when you hate the significant other because s/he is dangerous or abusive this is not what I am talking about here. It is not uncommon for parents to feel like, the boy, in most cases is not good enough for their daughter. He may not measure up to the daughter's academic level, he may have divorced parents, he may not dress as we would have hoped, he may have different religious beliefs or a host of other things.

Let's look at what dating is about. For any teenagers reading this I apologize to you in advance for what I am about to say. Usually teenagers feel they have found their life partner. They have not really felt like this before and they see it as "the real thing". As adults we understand that this is not their last dating partner. (You do understand that don't you?) There will be many more. Now, it is true that sometimes high school sweethearts live happily ever after but this is the exception not the rule. I feel sorry when I see teenagers going off to college with a sweetheart at home or another far away university and they plan to stay together. It usually leads to a breakup down the road.

For teenagers so much of their life is about learning to make good decisions and to live with consequences of those decisions. Dating is how they collect data for picking a life mate later in life. When they were learning to drive they were not too good at it in the beginning but we didn't refuse to let them drive because they did not always make the right decision. We allowed them to learn from those choices and we supported them and guided them in this learning process. Dating is the same. We don't want to get where we have tried to control a choice that we drive them to be with that person in rebellion. We don't want to lecture them but be there to provide support, counsel and guidance. When it really is a bad choice they usually see it unless we have pushed too hard.

I feel sad when I see families with intense conflict over a dating relationship that is not great but not dangerous. This is an issue of trust. They need to understand we trust them to make decisions and we are there for them when it works out well and when it does not. When we try to control who they date we are telling them we do not trust them to make those decisions. This is also them learning that they can trust you in this process. Thanks for listening. Sherri

SO IF YOU DECIDE TO REALLY LISTEN…..

Yesterday Debra wrote about Brave and listening to your teen. We talk about this all the time and I believe that most of us think we are pretty good listeners. So how do you know if your teen feels heard? It is not so difficult. First of all they don't have that glazed over look in their eyes. Secondly, they will respond positively and usually by continuing the conversation. You will find they seek you out more often to discuss things with you. You might even find they spend a little less time in their room.

You might find that you experiment a bit with listening. If your teen attempts to talk about something, drop what you are doing. Make eye contact, really pay attention and validate what you have heard. After you have done this note the reaction you get. To be honest, if they don't expect you to listen they may miss your first few attempts. You may have to do this experiment a few times to really get through to them but don't give up. See how this works.

Brave: Can a Disney movie impact your teen?

This weekend the Disney movie Brave opened.  Many parents took their young children to a new Disney movie and enjoyed the show.  Some teenagers attended the movie also, even though many teens did not see the movie since it is something that is they see as only entertaining to young children.

So does the movie Brave have anything to offer teens?  Absolutely!  This movie is focused on the relationship between a teen girl and her mother.  And the dynamics in the relationship could apply to any teen, male or female, and his or her parent. 

The movie shows how parents, even when very well-meaning, do not always actually listen to their teens and do not take into account that the teen is changing and becoming a young adult.  And the movie shows how the teen does not listen to the parent.  The consequences are very frightening to everyone.

But the lessons learned by both the teen and the parent help positive change occur in the relationship.

I hope you enjoy the movie!  And be sure to take your teen.

Dr. Debra

PARENTING TEENAGERS IS A VERY DIFFICULT JOB

Parenting is the most important job we have as adults. For the last two days Dr. Debra and I have written about your teen's self-worth; why it is important and how to nurture it. You have some kind of job you do to earn money or to keep your family together. Whether you are employed outside the home or an at home parent you did some training for the job. You did things to help you prepare to do that job well. If you "fall off the track" at work your boss may send you to someone like me to get you back "on the track". Yesterday I mentioned some things to do to help nurture your teen's sense of self-worth. Sometimes parents find this difficult to do because of a variety of issues. When you find things like this difficult or you tend to shoot from the hip as your style of parenting it could be important to go to see someone to get back on the track.

Sometimes people seem to be resistant to seeking professional help. They will come when the marriage is on the brink of divorce but not soon enough. We cannot change you personality, get inside your head etc. We only know what you tell us. Most therapists are trained to respect the dignity of people. Because of this we are careful to respect your boundaries. If you find it difficult to manage your parenting in the manner we discuss and you think we may have a good idea, don't just see it as a failure. See a professional therapist, psychiatrist, or your minister. We are trained to help you without getting too intrusive.

This is the most important job you have in your life time and you want to give it the attention it deserves. Sherri

MORE ON TEENS, SEX AND SELF WORTH

Yesterday Dr. Debra talked about Teens, Sex and Self-Worth. This is such an important for parents of teens to understand. Essentially, Dr. Debra said that sometimes teenagers make poor decisions because they are trying to feel better about themselves. She is absolutely correct. If you knew your teenagers was going to make a poor decision because they felt bad about themselves what would you do? As parents we have a hand in this.

• Realistically help your teen find the things that they are good at. Most kids are not good at everything and if you tell them they are is becomes a trust issue with you.
• Keep their emotional bank account full. Give them more positive feedback than negative. Just be truthful and authentic about the feedback.
• Work very hard to not yell at your teens or speak to them in a demeaning manner.
• Talk with them not at them.
• Listen. I don't have to work very hard for a 14 year old to tell me they just want to have sex to get it over with. I just listen.
• Find ways to have fun with your kid. When did spending time with your child become a chore?
• Work together to accomplish a chore.

There are certainly many more ideas of things you can do to help build your teen's self-worth. You don't have to do them all, all the time, but make a start. Sherri

Teens, Self-Esteem, and Sex

Teens struggle with so many things - a changing body, changing peer relations, increased responsibility, trying to determine future goals.... the list goes on and on.  I think one thing that we often forget about with teens is how fragile their self-esteem can be.  Teens often feel that they need to be sexually active to "fit in with the crowd" and to feel better about themselves.

I remember Sherri telling me that a patient of hers, a 14 year old girl, told her that she wanted to have sex to "get it over with."  What a shocking thought!  But I think that this girl may see having sex as something she should be doing in order to feel good about herself and to feel that she is as good as all her peers.

Helping teens to see that their value is not related to doing what all their peers are doing can overall improve teens self-esteem.  Although behaviors can contribute to feelings we have about ourselves , for example, making good grades can make a teen begin to believe he is intelligent, behaviors do not make the person.  The person shows who he is through his behaviors.  The sooner we can help our teens see this, the sooner we can help them understand their value.  And I think that any teen who truly values him/herself will wait until he is more ready to be in a sexual relationship.

Dr. Debra

TWO THOUGHTS ABOUT BULLYING

We write often about bullying. There are two things that I think do not get enough attention. First of all, when a child is being bullied it is common that the parents of the child doing the bullying are not notified about the issue with their child. For the most part when the parents are notified it makes a huge difference and they help to get the bullying stopped. Secondly, schools tend to see bullying as conflict between peers. Bullying is not about conflict it is an imbalance of power. To try to get the kids involved in dialogue is like trying to get a victim of rape to negotiate with her rapist. Remember bullying is not about conflict; it's an imbalance of power. This summer while the kids are out of school is a time to look at what your school does about bullying. Do they have a policy? Does it address these two issues? Do they enforce the policy they have? If you find the answers to any of these questions are no you could start a letter writing campaign, contact your PTA leaders, make an appointment with the school principal. If you start to make bullying an issue it could improve the life of children in your schools. Sherri

REBUILDING TRUST

In the course of raising teenagers there are times that they will lose your trust. (For the record, there are also times when you will lose their trust.) But, back to the issue at hand. When you teen has made a decision that caused you to lose trust there needs to be a plan to earn back the trust. I hear teens tell me that a parent has told them "I will never be able to trust you again." If you will think about this as your teenager making an inappropriate choice it will be easier to begin to rebuild the trust. I do this sort of like doing a contract for behavior. Look at what was the poor decision, what were the consequences, what needs to be done differently in the future. This is not something you have to do by yourself. This should be a discussion between parent(s) and teen. Together you can develop the steps to rebuilding the trust. For example, I tell teens that broke trust by drinking, to obviously not drink but if they mess up to go home and tell their parents that they had a beer. There will be s consequence for drinking but it will be less because they owned up to the mistake. If they drink, don't tell and get caught the trust meter goes back to the beginning. Give this a try. If you get stuck make a comment and we will look at the issues you are having. Thanks Sherri

APRON STRINGS

We used to say people were tied to their mother's by their apron strings. By this they meant that they couldn't make decisions etc. without talking to Mom. So how do we go about loosening those apron strings so this does not happen? It should be a slow process starting about the time they start school. You start by allowing the child to make some decisions of their own. With s really young child it can be about what they are going to wear. If you have a screen time restriction it can be about how they use that screen time. If they use the time haphazardly they learn to plan better. As the child gets older and more mature you increase the decisions they are allowed to make. As teenagers they should be making some of their own decisions. This can increase as they mature. When they make a harmful decision they may lose some of that decision making ability. For example, teenagers should be allowed to use phones, computers etc. with minimal checking unless they are sexting or something like that. They have then given up the privilege of using those devises without supervision until they earn back the trust. Tomorrow we will talk about earning back trust. Sherri

TEENAGERS: YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL

Wellesley High English teacher David McCullough Jr. told graduates "You are not special. You are not exceptional,". I listened to his speech on line. Isn't technology wonderful? His speech was wonderful. He challenged his students to strive to make a difference to do something meaningful with their lives. In a society where we give kids trophies for showing up this is a message that needs to be given in some form and earlier than at graduation. So as parents how do we straddle the balance between providing unconditional love and being realistic. Terry Hargrave tells parents that between the ages of 0 to 6 we need to tell our children they are the most wonderful creatures in the world; that we love them unconditionally. (He also says that between 6 and 12 we need to teach them that we live in a society with rules and from 12 to 18 we teach them how to leave home.) When we do this we need to make those accolades authentic and honest. As they go through their lives we need to continue giving authentic and accurate validation. There are not children that don't deserve validation. Sherri

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER IS SCHOOL PHOBIC

I attended some training yesterday on anxiety. It caused me to think about teens that are not attending school due to anxiety. Because of policies today many of these teenagers are taken out of school and "home schooled". Some of these kids are actually home schooled but many are not. They are told to do their classes on a computer program or a program from local Universities which they do not do. But then this is not about their education. There are reasons why this child is not in school. I have seen a number of teens that are in this situation and not brought in to see professionals for months. The sooner we can address these issues the better the prognosis. If you have a child or know of a child that is not attending school because it is too upsetting to go to school help the family get this child to the professionals. This will not get better by giving them a school vacation. Thanks for listening. Sherri

MORE ON VOLUNTEERING TO DEAL WITH SOCIAL ISOLATION

I really loved Dr. Debra's post yesterday. I truly believe that teenagers need some structure in the summer. They need time to just hang out with friends etc. but they also need some structure. Summer jobs are currently difficult to find and that means that volunteer work is perfect. Many teens need volunteer hours for school or NHS. Our teens need also to develop a sense of giving back. There are opportunities out there if you look. My daughter's volunteered at the local zoo. It was a wonderful program; not only did they get to work with the animals at the zoo(My daughter still talks about dipping frozen rodents into raw egg to feed that snakes,) but in the afternoon they had speakers on to find a job, how to write a resume and many other things. There was also strict dress code etc. like an employer would expect. This was not a volunteer position. We had to pay to be in this program but it was worth it. Many families cannot afford to pay for summer activities but there are volunteer jobs available. When they are looking for first jobs these volunteer positions can go on their resume. In addition, they learn a great deal about the "real world" and themselves. Sherri

SOCIAL ISOLATION, YOUR TEEN, AND SUMMER

Teens are usually very happy about the arrival of summertime and vacation away from school  But how does this impact the teen who struggles with social isolation?

A teen who does not have many social connections may escape into a virtual world of friendship in his computer.  Although this may help the teen not feel alone (which is important), this type of relating to others does not help social skills and can in fact lead to more social isolation.  A concerned parent should not take away all computer gaming, etc., but should limit the amount.

Summer provides a time to help your teen learn different ways to relate to others.  Volunteering helps your teen develop social skills while helping him to develop increased self-esteem because he is helping others.  Many forums for volunteering exist for teens in the summer.  Camps, child-care facilitiies, nursing homes, hospitals, missions, and churches are agencies that are usually looking for volunteers.  And your teen will meet others who are volunteering and may develop some positive relationships. 

Look at agencies in your areas that offer summer enrichment programs for teens also - your teen could benefit from taking a class himself.  He might not only learn something new or improve his skills, but he might meet some new positive friends as well.

As a parent, motivate and encourage your teen to look at summer enrichment and volunteering.  And be sure to get him to talk about what he might be interested in doing - that involves others in the real, not virtual, world.

Dr. Debra