I just realized that I have not blogged since Christmas. I guess I should say, too much holiday. Last night I was thinking about power struggles with teenagers. I seems to me that one of the ways parents get into the most trouble with their kids is they get into the power struggle. Some time ago I learned a bit about tai chi. It seems that the task in tai chi is to not struggle against the resistance but to go with the power or effort. This makes the most sense to me when dealing with power struggles. I have worked with teens for so many years that I learned a long time ago to not get into a power struggle with a teen. This was likely a good proving ground for raising my own very strong willed child. There was always the start of power struggle in our home. I can't tell you I never played that game with her but I can tell you I quickly learned that I was unwilling to go to the lengths it would actually take to win and that winning was never actually a win.
So how do you stay out of a power struggle?
First of all, you never have to just react to what has been said. Animals react instinctively, but as humans we have the ability to step back, think about the situation and then to formulate a response. This is always a good strategy in parenting. But it is essential to stay out of the power struggle.
Staying out of the power struggle is not allowing the teen to do whatever they choose. It is about not fighting about it. Teens gain power when we engage in dialogue over something we have already determined they may not do. I have been known to tell parents that if a teen wants to debate a "ruling" they should provide a written proposal about the alternative they are suggesting and reasons why. Most will not do that but if they do you should certainly read it with an open mind.
Finally, if they continue to attempt to engage you in a dialogue remind them that the conversation is over and if necessary remove yourself from the room. You can certainly ask them to leave the room but with some teens they will then use that as an opening to engage you by refusing to leave.
For most teens this will end the conflict and they will see that they cannot manipulate you at this time. If it continues to escalate and this pattern reoccurs some family therapy is likely warranted.
Enjoy the freedom of not having to engage in a power struggle. Happy New Year. Sherri
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