Parenting with All the Pieces

STRONG WILLED KIDS

I have two adult daughters.  The oldest was compliant and the younger was strong willed.  In parenting the compliant child and thought I was pretty good at parenting.  Then my strong willed child was born.  Very early I realized she was "headstrong".  I used to say that if I told my older child not to go out into the road because a car might hit her she would say then I better not do that.  When I told the younger child the same thing she would go out into the road and say see you are wrong, no car is hitting me.

I certainly have many war stories about this child but the bottom line is this.  There are two things about raising strong willed kids.  Strong willed children need to make their own decisions.  The other things is that you have to pick your battles and allow natural consequences to ensue.  That does not imply the kids get to have the power.  I am all about parents having the power, not the kids.  If you start early enough you give your strong willed child choices.  For Example, "You may have a drink of juice or water.  When they get to decide the conflict does not have to ensue.  Parents get into trouble because they want the child to do whatever "because I said so".  The goal must be to get the outcome you intend.  It does not have to be a straight line.  You have to be able to come at it from a different direction.  I thought I should have just been able to tell her something and she would do it.  It should not have been difficult to say it cold out you should wear a coat.  One day I decided to not take on this battle and she went to school without her coat.  The teachers would not let her go outside at recess.  She came home and asked, "How can I decide for myself if I need to wear a coat?" From that day on she got up in the morning and turned on the 'television to see that weather to decide how she should dress. She had to make her own decisions.  

Strong willed kids can grow up to be strong adults that do not get run over.  The trick is to not break their spirit.  It is frustrating to raise a strong willed child no matter what approach you take.  Therefore it makes more sense to give them choices and stay out of the power struggle.

Good luck and don't loose your sense of humor.  Sherri

Winning and Losing

Today is SuperBowl Sunday.  Many families will sit around the television cheering on the team they hope will win.  In this game, there will be a designated winner and a designated loser. 

How does winning and losing work in families?  Think about an argument a parent might have with a teenager.  Can an adult effectively argue with a teen?  Think about it - the teen has the idea that his parent could not possibly be right.  I mean, who can argue with that?  So what defines winning and losing in this situation?

Winning happens for all involved when a conflict is effectively mediated by a parent who gets the teen to think and reason through the problem.  Maybe the teen sees himself as "winning" if the parent concedes that a point the teen makes is accurate.  But it is the relationship between the parent and teen that has truly won in that instance. 

I am not suggesting that parents concede to teens in matters in which a firm stance is required - such as violating curfew, drinking alcohol, etc.  But what about an argument which is simply a difference in viewpoint about politics or what is the best type of chicken dish to eat?  I think agreeing to disagree in these situations can be very helpful for all involved.

So back to the notion of winning and losing - in a family system everybody wins when active discussion and conflict resolution can occur.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

TEACHING TASKS

Recently, I saw a thirty something single, childless, man who had his preadolescence nephew for the weekend.  We often talk about this relationship  because he keeps him often.  He told me he decided to get his nephew to do a few chores while he was there.  He said "So I taught him to do the dishes.  I showed him how to wash the knives so he wouldn't get cut, I showed him how to do the glasses so he would not break them in the sink, I showed him how to wash the plates etc."  I commended him for teaching his nephew instead of just expecting him to know how.  He said "I was never shown but expected to know how.  I always thought that was messed up."

In my years of working with families I have been surprised how often parents assign a chore without teaching the child how to do it and then get angry when it is not done well.  We all have or will have, the task of teaching our teens to drive cars.  I hope none of us would just give them the keys and tell them to drive.  We teach them the skills necessary and the rules of the road and then we supervise them for many months until we feel they are ready to solo.  We should have the same approach to any task we expect our kids to take on.  I have found that when taught, children enjoy the process of learning how to do a task well and feel proud of those accomplishments.  By the time they are teens they are independent enough that this is different so this is really for younger children.  This is also good bonding time between parent and child. 

On a lighter note it looks like the groundhog saw his shadow yesterday so we are in for 6 more weeks of winter.  For those of you in snowy states I'm sorry and for us in Texas we have had a colder winter so bundle up.  Have a great day. 

Sherri