Sherri's blogs about delayed adulthood and the dreaded chores have stimulated my thinking about helping our teens become responsible adults. As parents we want our teens to develop lives as adults in which they are independent and self-sufficient. But thinking about achieving this goal can be overwhelming. So how do we as parents approach this monumental task - helping our teen become an adult who can take care of himself?
We start by modelling balance for our teenagers. By this I mean we show the teen by example how to take care of ourselves and meet our responsibilities at the same time. All of us know this is no easy task. I know that I have plenty of "dreaded chores" as an adult which I have to find a way to complete. Taking care of those chores can sometimes interfere with having fun. I think that letting your teen witness how you balance meeting your responsibilities but still build in time for fun is very important. Come to think of it, most teens see their parents as folks who don't have fun. And I think that teen viewpoint develops because we as parents think that we must be serious and impart to our teen the importance of work and responsibility.
Maybe if our teens see us having fun and having balance in our lives they will want to learn how we do that. Some of the teens I have talked with seem to think that there is no happy medium here - that you either have a carefree life with a minimum of chores (the ideal) or you are weighed down with lots of responsibilities and have no fun (the undesirable). Seeing their parents as actually enjoying life while managing at the same time to be a productive person who handles work and other responsibilities could make our teens think differently about becoming an adult.
I hope that our teens can learn how liberating and fun being an adult can be! But I think we have to show them balance before we can teach them how to achieve it.
Just some thoughts for all of us parents.
Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.
When I was teaching high school, I saw this all the time. I still see it constantly with teenagers (and more than a few 20 somethings I know). I have been calling it an inherent cultural hedonism. But this idea that people view life as having no happy medium, there is either an idyllic life or drudgery, gives me a lot more patience with those who ignore responsibility. (Not enough to be okay with it indefinitely, but enough to see where it comes from).
Posted by: Kat | 06/10/2010 at 10:22 AM
Thanks for your comment. I think that helping teens find that things do not have to be at extremes ( having a life of drudgery or bliss) can help them learn how to truly be content with life.
Posted by: Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D. | 06/10/2010 at 10:59 PM
Try to work with joy, and have fun without restraint of laughter. When you struggle, don't be afraid to let them see part of it, but always leave them with the confidence, that while a challenge, it is under control. I believe this helps them build respect for you, and "what it takes to make a dollar," and when you play leave the troubles behind.
Posted by: C. Dwayne Shafer, MD, PhD | 07/04/2010 at 08:58 PM