Parenting with All the Pieces

Process in Parenting

Sharon's post about parents working together stimulated my thinking about the actual process of parenting.  I think all of us, myself included, get caught up in the "goals" we need to reach.  And we have important parental goals - all of us want to help our children be self-sufficient, independent, healthy, spiritual, happy people.  We DO need to keep ourselves focused on these goals. 

But we should not lose the process as we pursue the goals in parenting.  Process refers to the actual road we are walking as we pursue the path of helping our child become a healthy and happy person.  Paying attention to the process of parenting is just as important as working towards the goals - and being in the moment with your child actually works hand-in-hand with accomplishing the tasks we want to accomplish. 

Working with process means enjoying each moment, seeing the twinkle in your child's eye as you talk about something he finds funny.  Working with process means letting yourself feel the pleasure of the moment.  Working with process means paying attention to how important people in your child's life relate to him.  This includes noting relationships with his other parent and other significant people - grandparents, teachers, peers.  And noting how your child relates to his/her important relationships.

As we work towards our goals of bringing up healthy happy teens, let's keep our eyes on the process as well.  After all, being present with our child is probably one of the most important things we do as parents.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

PARENTING AS A TEAM

One of the things I hear about in my office frequently, has to do with parents not being able to agree about specific behaviors, consequences etc.  It certainly matters what issues parents consider important in guiding their children on the journey to becoming adults.  But it is even more important that parents agree on those issues.

 Too often each parents feels that their way is correct therefore they do not want to "give in".   To be a child in such a system seems to me to be like driving on the interstate highway when the state has one speed limit posted and at the same time the county has posted another speed limit.  You would not know which one to follow.  So would we like our children to decide which "rule" they choose to follow?  I find that this can happen with major issue or minor issues.  In addition, when one parent only enforces a "rule" when the other parent is home this is even more confusing for the children. 

When the rules are contradictory like this children have difficulty trusting and respecting their parents.   They also do not learn how to function in the adult world in a healthy manner.  It is not giving in to work together as a team to develop a consistent set of rules or expectations. It is not about who is right but being the best team you can be for your children.  

Have a great summer.

Sherri 

CONFIDENTIALITY

With these new HIPAA laws we seem to have become confused about what is to be held in confidence.  I see so many teenagers in therapy I get to hear all their righteous indignation about things.  A common complaint, especially among girls, is that they tell a parent a "secret" and then the parent talks to their friends about it. This feels like a violation of trust for the teenagers.    I always tell them that the parent needs someone to bounce things off and I believe this to be true.  I also tell them that they should not ask their parents to keeps secrets from the other parent.  It is bad role modeling for them, to lead them to believe it is okay to keep secrets from your spouse.  All of that being said, when a teenager tells you something in confidence it is important to respect their issues of privacy and not talk to others about it.  This plays out as a trust issue between kids and their parents.  It is also a way that teenagers establish some boundaries for themselves in a healthy manner.  Since our role of parent is to model the kind of behavior we hope our children will emulate when they are adults we need to see this a good role modeling.  

I hope you summer is going well.  Sherri

THOUGHTS ON INDEPENDENCE DAY

As I reflect upon independence day and can't help but relate that to teenagers.  During this time in their lives, teens are "trying on" independence.  As their parents it is our job to increase their freedom in a careful manner that gives them enough to grow but not too much to handle at one time.  By the time they leave home we hope that we have guided them to independence is a manner that they are confident about decision making.  That is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.  

Thanks for listening  Sherri