School, Sex, and Social Pressure

Sherri made several comments about returning to school in her last post which are helpful in thinking about your teen's return to school.  As I have listened to teens who are preparing to return to school this last week, I have been struck by the concerns they have.

The first concern is "Will I fit in?"  The second concern is "What will be different this year from last year?" And another concern that I am hearing a lot these days is "Will my friends make fun of me because I don't have any sex experience?"

When listening to teens talk I am hearing a lot of worry about "being a part of the group."  The teens think about how they should dress (although school uniforms often take that worry out of the equation), what activities they should pursue, and how they should be prepared to talk about sex with their peers.  Teens who have been sexually active seem to have mixed feelings about this...on the one hand they are experienced which makes them cool, but on the other hand they often feel very badly about having been sexually active  - but they don't think they can convey that to peers.  Instead they worry about how much to say.  And none of them want to say "I feel I have made a mistake - don't do what I did."  Even though that is often how they feel.  Their fear is that admitting that to peers will indeed make them a loser with a capital L. 

And those teens who have not been sexually active...they are wondering whether they should lie about this to appear cool or simply just stay silent.  I have heard a few state that if asked directly they will say that they don't think having sex in high school is a good idea and they don't plan to do it.  But those teens have some anxiety about being laughed at by peers. 

I am thinking that all this anxiety about sex comes from the culture in which we live.  As parents, I believe we need to work to educate our teens and reduce their anxiety while at the same time reinforcing them to not engage in sexual activity at this age - because they are not emotionally ready for this level of intimacy.  And there are a whole host of other good reasons to not be sexually active in high school.

I heard one counselor say that he often helps teens by helping them realize that although they hear peers talk about sex, that doesn't really mean that sexual activity in high school is the norm.  And he reinforces their not being sexually active as a norm.

This is a tough topic for all of us to deal with our teens - good luck.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

Comments

[Sharon Cook, LCSW, LMFT]

Debra, I appreciate you talking about the anxiety related to issues of sexuality. So often that is not talked about. I her those fears all the time in my office.