LISTENING AS A TOOL OF COMMUNICATION

Likely the most important issue in communication with a teenager is listening.  As parents we find that as our young child starts to grow we have to do a lot of teaching and most of this is done verbally.  (As a sidebar, we also teach by what they see us do but that is not the focus of this blog.)  As our child gets older we still seem to think that the most effective way to teach is to talk.  As the child get older and older they seem to know the "rules" we have taught them but we still talk.  (Knowing the rules does assume they will always follow the rules.)  In my office I frequently observe parents going on and on about whatever they are wanting their teen to understand.   When we are talking  I think we have to hook them in the first few seconds of a conversation.  After that they have checked out.  Parents seem to get on a role and may even talk more when they realize the teenager is no longer listening.  

The most effective communication with a teenager is for the adult to be a good listener.  When we listen to them talk we might find out they actually know the rules and plan to adhere to them.  We could find out they want to do the right things but they feel torn between that and something that sounds like more fun.  We could find out that they have an innovative idea that we had not considered.  In adolescence our children are becoming adults in their own right with beliefs, opinions and thoughts of their own.  As we listen to them without judging we begin to understand who they are and get to know the kind of adult they are becoming.  Even when we hear things that we worry about it does not mean that is set in concrete for them.  In finding themselves they may try on all kinds of different beliefs and ideas.  We need to allow them to explore without judging or overreacting.  

Frequently parents of teens say "I can't get her to talk to me."  This is not unusual.  I believe when they realize that you are trying to listen and understand them the talking will increase.  Initially you need to be prepared to listen to whatever they are saying even if it seems irrelevant.  When they know you seem interested they will talk more.  Your responses need to be validating and authentic.  When you are working on getting them to talk to you don't argue or disagree with them.  Let them know you want to learn about who they are becoming.  You might find a budding adult that you will enjoying getting to know.

 Have fun listening.  Sherri

Comments

[C. Dwayne Shafer, MD, PhD]

Great post, Sherri. It is hard for most children to understand that "things haven't changed that much since I was your age," can be true because their parents grew-up without x-boxes, TIVO, or cell phones. Your post also reminded me of a Hebrew word: the same word means both "to teach" and "to learn", thus the idea that if the teacher doesn't get the lesson through to the student, the no teaching actually occurred. No learning, No teaching. We have to give our children a moral compass, and direction in certain situations, but young people want to talk about "their" experiences. When adults listen, the adults learn, and the young persons feel that "communication" has occurred, not just "listening."

[Sharon Cook, LCSW, LMFT]

Dwayne, Thanks for reading and posting. Your comments reflect what I am thinking. I believe parenting is the most important job we do and too often it is a knee jerk reaction. I appreciate your wisdom. Sherri