I just read Debra's last two blogs. She has been addressing issues of emotions with teens. This is such a relevant topic I have a need to add my feelings too. I speak with all ages of people all the time about feelings. It makes me sad that so many people have so much trouble expressing emotions. It is seen as a weakness in our culture. This seems to be a product of our puritan roots in some ways. Terry Real, PhD says that by the age of four, little boys in our culture have learned that you'd better not miss your mother too much and you certainly had better not cry. What happens to the man that learned this by the age of four? I can remember growing up as a small child if I cried I was told "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about." I know this experience was not unique. We all grow up knowing that feelings are not to be expressed. We define this as strength. I remember talking to a woman a long time ago. She had attended her daughter's wedding. She had spent so much time suppressing her unhappy feelings that when she attended her daughter's wedding she could not feel happy. She felt cheated that she cold not experience this feeling for her daughter. When we suppress uncomfortable feelings we unintentionally screen out all feelings, even the ones we want to have.
Actually, feelings, especially when they are uncomfortable, are giving us a message. When you sprain your ankle the pain reminds you that there are things you need to be doing. You need to elevate your foot, put ice on the ankle, and don't bear weight. With out this pain we might not remember as well. Emotional pain is similar. When we feel loss, disappointed, etc. there is something we need to be doing. We think that if we get the feeling to go away we are being successful. The reverse is actually true. When you are feeling uncomfortable emotions think about what you are supposed to be doing. If this is difficult to do try writing about it. Frequently this will help you figure this out. As you do this you will then serve as a role model for your teen. You can also ask inquiring questions when your teen is struggling with an emotion to help them understand what they need to be doing. Good luck. Sherri
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