Parenting with All the Pieces

REBUILDING TRUST

In the office of a therapist treating adolescents we encounter issues of teenagers breaking their parents trust.  When the violation occurs the parents are frequently heard to say "I will never to able trust you again." Or the other response is "until you are 18 or maybe 30."  Families are sometimes resistant to instructing the child in how to earn trust back.  They tell me that if I tell them what to do they will just do it and how will I know if it is real? If we remember that if we ask someone to do something and they do it that indicates they are trying to do the right thing.  This violation of trust is not the only mistake the teenager will make.  When a teenager keeps making the same mistake then the consequence is not good enough or there is another issue and professional help may be indicated.  But basically teenagers want things to be good between themselves and their parents.  It is like a light bulb going off when a teen says to be "I think I get it.  If I do what they tell me, go to school and do my homework I can just about do what I want."  

So to create a trust building plan.  It of course depends upon the violation. But basically following the consequence there should be a planned reinstatement of the violated privilege, returned slowly with monitoring.  For example, if the child is not where they say they will be the parents will check up on them with decreasing frequency until they feel they have gotten this.  Then sporadicly they check a bit longer on a random basis.  If they violate internet privileges it it the same process.  Check their websites with decreasing frequency to know they are following the rules.  I also tell the kids that if you mess up again don't try to hide it.  Go to your parents as soon as you get home and say I violated the rules tonight,  This is what I did.  There will be a consequence and reduction in freedom but it will not be a bad as trying to hide it.  They are sometimes slow to learn that parents always find out.  Teen are a bit slow to accept this but I convince them (and the parents) the the consequences will be less if they tell the truth.  

As always I feel we need to give our kids lots and lots of positives even when or especially when we are upset with them. 

Good luck with this.  Sherri

TRUST

Trust is part of the foundation of any relationship.  We have to trust the other and they have to trust us.  Trust in relationships with teens gets violated more than relationships with our children at other ages.  These violations can go in both directions.  Whenever possible we must work on communicating in a manner that will not violate trust and hopefully our teens will do the same.  When our child acts in a manner that is not in keeping with the values we have established it causes a violation of trust.  When they defy us or make poor decisions these things can cause a violation of trust. This is a pretty exhaustive list so I won't list them all.   We are building trust to have faith that they will make good decisions when they are out of the home, especially away at school.  

We, as the parents, violate trust when we don't listen, when we yell at them, or act in a manner that is not in keeping with the values we have established.  This is also an exhaustive list.  We violate trust and usually are unaware we have done so.  

As the paretns we need to be ever villiguant to work hard to not violate trust and when we do to recognize it and make amends.  

Tomorrow I will discuss how to rebuild trust with your teenager.  

Sherri

The End of the Year Dash

Thanksgiving weekend is coming to a close.  Tomorrow the teens go back to school and many of us return to work after being off for a long weekend.  The holiday season is in full swing.

As we move through this holiday season we can easily lose sight of what has been meaningful for us and our teens this year.  Taking time to slow from a dash to a walk can help us enjoy the remainder of the year and can also help us reflect upon what we have enjoyed about this year. 

Help your teen balance these next three weeks - which are probably filled with school projects, papers to complete, and exams.  Try to help him develop a schedule which allows adequate sleep while he tries to meet all the academic demands.  By doing this with your teen, you will give him or her valuable skills to use anytime the pace of life seems too fast.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Yesterday was  Black Friday.  Many of you spent the day and maybe the weekend shopping.  We hope that you and your teen survived the Black Friday rush.  Maybe some of you avoided the shopping; and maybe some of you plunged into the masses of folks searching for those perfect Christmas gifts at bargain prices.

The family weekend challenge over this holiday weekend is to take a few minutes to just stop and think about how you have spent the weekend with your teen.  Ask your teen what he or she liked best about this Thanksgiving weekend - for some, it may be the shopping!  For others, it may be the food.  And surprisingly, for some, it may be time spent laughing together.

We hope you are finding some fun together this weekend.

Sherri and Dr. Debra

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.  As I write this I am thinking about gratitude; the things in my life about which I am grateful.  There are numerous things.  I feel in many ways my life is very good.  But relevant to this post it is my pleasure to have this forum to talk about my beliefs about parenting.  

I believe that parenting is the most important job in our life time.  No matter what our career, parenting prepares our children for the future of the world.  It is the legacy we leave.  Dr. Debra and I talk about parenting with intention and attention.  I believe that parenting should not be a knee jerk reaction but a process with planned responses.  This blog allows me to talk about all of those things.  I am grateful to all of you that read what I write and think about what I am saying.  

Thank you and I hope for you a blessed Thanksgiving.  Sherri

MEMORABLE THANKSGIVING TRADITIONS

When My children were small they had a book entitled "I'm in charge of the Celebrations."  I loved that book because it talked about planning celebrations for even very small things.  So much of our culture is void of pomp and circumstance and rites of passage.  I think there is no better time to plan celebrations than holidays we hold near and dear.  I always ask people in my office about their traditions and how they will spend the holiday.  I get varied answers to really cool creative and fun sounding celebrations to reports of fear and loathing.  It runs the gamut.

A favorite story I once heard was about a family tradition.  On Wednesday evening the women would go out to a movie or whatever.  The men stayed home and made the pies.  I would have loved to observe these men and the pride they took in the pie baking.  When a new son-in-law entered this family they were taught the art of pie making.   I thought this was an incredible tradition.  

So. this holiday season try to add a tradition or embrace the ones that you already have.  Have a safe and thankful Thanksgiving.  Sherri

Giving Thanks for your Teen

We often worry about our teen - whether he is completing schoolwork, engaging in activities which could bring him pain, or focusing on his future.  How many of us have lost sleep worrying about our teen?  I would go as far as to say that the parent of every teen has lost sleep worrying at some point. 

As we approach Thanksgiving, we should give thanks for our teen.  In spite of the worries, our teen has given us many days of joy.  We should never let our fears drown out our joy for our teen.  As parents we sometimes forget about the good times when we have concerns.

Think about the blessings your teen has brought you.  Be sure to let him know how thankful you are for him this holiday season.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Each week Sherri or I will post a weekend challenge.  This week's weekend challenge involves Thanksgiving, which is just around the corner.

Talk to your teen and get his idea of something that he would like to do with the family over the Thanksgiving break.  This can be something as simple as playing a game, watching a favorite holiday DVD, taking a walk, or making a favorite snack.  Plan with your teen using his idea for this activity.

Ask your teen to think of one thing she is thankful for this year, and ask her to express it over Thanksgiving dinner.  And plan on something you can mention you are thankful for as well!

Enjoy the challenge.

Dr. Debra

 

Anticipation for the Holidays

Thanksgiving is one week from tomorrow.  Teens are getting excited about being out of school for a few days - some teens are out the entire week; some teens are out two days for a four-day weekend.  Either way, your teen is anticipating the pleasure of being out of class! 

Do you think your teen is excited about having Thanksgiving dinner with the family?  Perhaps.  Probably the atmosphere of prior family dinners is impacting your teen.  Reading Sherri's blog helped me have the image of a pleasant calm family interaction.  Does that happen at your house over the holidays? 

Would you like to have your teen anticipate more than just missing a few days of school?  Or catching the latest Harry Potter movie?  Would you like for your teen to have enthusiasm about spending time with the family?  Is that thought for you almost as much a fantasy as the Harry Potter movie?!

I believe that you can work with your teen to develop some things he or she will look forward to at Thanksgiving.  Talk about some activities she might like - a game that the family has played before, a special holiday movie that you have in your DVD archives, preparing a favorite food together.  Ask your teens for ideas - you might be pleasantly surprised by the ideas he generates!

Who knows, you might have anticipation about one of the ideas you and your teen decide to pursue!  And anticipation is one of the exciting elements of this time of year.

Dr. Debra

 

THANKSGIVING EXPECTATIONS

I have been a therapist for about 30 years.  I have noticed patterns around the holidays.  Thanksgiving may be the most disappointing holiday for a large portion of families.  It seems to be the holiday where the greatest number of family members collect around one table for dinner.  Since many of us have at least somewhat dysfunctional families we all hope this year it will go better.  When it does not there are feelings of dissappointment.  If so, this brings a number of people into therapy each year.  

When my daughter was a freshman in college she told me she was surprised that so many of her peers dreaded going home for the holidays.  When she asked why it was because there was always a fight of some sort.  She said the holidays are never like that for us.  What did we do differently.  

If you have this kind of situation (I hope you do not) who can you make it different this year.  You can't control if Uncle Bruce gets into a conflict with his brother-in-law or if Aunt Margaret drinks too much.  What is in your control are the expectations for you and your family.  If the kids get drawn in help them set lower expectations and decide up front what they would need to do to make it a day of gratefulness and peace.  If they are not in this loop good for the family.  But how can you engage your internal spectator and watch the games going on without participating.   The more you stay out of the conflict the better it will go for you.  There is not expectation that you have to "play".  You can also establish some other patterns maybe playing cards, going for a walk, or a family football game.  The goal should always be to be thankful for what you have.  Good luck.  

I hope that Thanksgiving is great for you this year.  

Sherri

BOLSTERING OUR TEENS

There are many ages I might be willing to revisit.  I know adolescence would not be one of them.  Truly, I had a fun time as a teen and there were not any significant issues but I would not go back there.  It is such an insecure time for most teenagers and there are so many things that are in flux.  

When I see a teen in therapy I spend the first few session and often thereafter just building them up.  For parents they see their once sweet faced child become more independent, often rushing in where angels fear to tread.  We want our kids to grow up and become independent but the process is sometimes difficult to watch.  We might fall into the trap of feeling angry or upset with our adolescent.  The changes feel so monumental.  

During adolescence more that at any other time we need to give our teen lots of positive feedback.  In therapy sessions I often ask a teenager "How do you know your parents are proud of you?"  Too often they cannot answer that question.  Even when our kid is messing up there are positives.  We need to give more positive feedback than negative.  The feedback needs to be authentic and heartfelt.  Come on you can do it.  In keeping with this time of thankfulness and peace let's all commit to increase, significantly, the positive validation we give our kids.  By the time you are celebrating New Years it will be a new habit.  

Let me know how this is going.  Sherri

Family Time

Reading Sherri's blog about the family weekend challenge made me think of how we spend time together as families.  Life moves so quickly for everyone these days.  Making time to spend with family members may sometimes be one of the last things on many people's list. How do we make time with family - and make that time count? 

Involve your teen in planning family time together.  Discuss the things that must be done - like the chores, homework, etc.  But talk about the things that must be done - like grocery shopping - for the family and talk about ways to do some of those tasks together.  Planning menus for the week and doing cooking together accomplishes both doing chores and spending time together in a positive way. Exercising together is another way to do a "task" and also spend quality time together.  I am sure that you can think of other ways to combine work and time together.

Setting special times together is very important too.  Some families schedule a family night together where they always have dinner, or have breakfast together on a weekend day together.  Mealtimes are often times we can spend time with family.  Studies have shown that teens who spend dinnertime with family are happier and better adjusted. 

So start thinking about ways to spend time together - with the holidays fast approaching, I think combining tasks and time together may help everyone.

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Dr. Debra and I have decided that it might be fun to blog a family weekend challenge on Fridays.  We thought you might have fun trying out something we are talking about during the week.  So if you are game take on the family challenge and let us know what you thought about it.  Thanks.  Sherri

 

This Family Weekend Challenge will be to take time to have a conversation with each member of your family.  It needs to be something different than what is usual.   You can talk about the upcoming holiday; not planning but maybe a memory you have.  It could be something you see in the news etc and ask each person what they think about the issue.  This needs to be a conversation where you listen more than you talk.  We would love to hear what ideas you had and how this work out.  Have fun this weekend.  

Sherri

Life is a Process

Life is a process - this is something I am learning as a parent.  I find that no matter how I might think about parenting with intention, the process of parenting throws me curve balls and I have to adjust.  Just like life - being observant and ready to adjust is something we all have to do regularly.  A wise woman once said to me "You never know what may be just around the corner."

But even so...thinking about parenting with intention helps you with the process.  Don't you find that thinking about potential situations in advance seems to help when you find yourself in those situations?  Parenting is an area in life which is just chock full of potential situations; honestly, even when you think you have covered all the bases you will find one which you did not anticipate.  Having thought about other issues can help you when you have to problem-solve an unexpected bump in the road.  A mother told me last week that just when she thinks she knows how to handle her special needs child that he changes his behaviors and she has to readjust to him.  I think that all of us experience this as parents.  The process is one in which we have to accept our teen is ever-changing and developing.  Our job is to help guide him through this process and hopefully give him the skills he will need to be able to see life as a process.

The lyrics of John Michael Montgomery describe this process in a way many of us can relate to "Life's a dance we learn as we go, sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow." 

Enjoy the process.

Dr. Debra

TWENTY FIRST CENTURY HELICOPTER PARENTS

Parenting with all the pieces is about knowing all aspects of a situation so that parents can make the best choices possible for their children.   Foster Cline has talked about Drill Sargents, Helicopter Parents and Consultants.   Recently in my office I have been doing family therapy with lots of helicopter parents.

 So what are the pieces.  Recently I have blogged about parenting in these times.  Parents want their children to experience a life without unhappiness.  These are very difficult times we are living in and parents worry a great deal about the dangers for their children.   We try to make sure they have the best of everything to ensure a great future.  I remember, back in the stone age, going to take the SAT. I really didn't know what the test was but everyone at my school planning on college went one Saturday with a #2 pencil to take this test.  Today parents pay up to thousands of dollars to get those test scores up the the standard to ensure the "right college".  There are consultants you can hire for Freshman to help the child do all the things necessary to provide admission to the "right" school.  We worry, rightly so, about what they post on the internet since admission boards and prospective employers check this out prior to making decisions.  Are parents right to be so focused?  Yes of course they are but all of these pieces contribute to making parents helicopter parents.  

The difficulty here is that helicopter parenting with older teens does not protect the child as much as it causes them undue stress.  I saw a 20 year old college student (a junior) where the parents were pushing her to take the GRE, now.  She had more on her plate that she could handle and this was causing her undue stress.  I suggested she talk with her parents and suggest that during the summer would be a great time for the GRE when she was not is school and would be soon enough for her applications due at the end of the year.  She felt they would not allow her to wait that long.  There are many examples of this in my office.  

Protect your teens but at the same time guide them into making decisions on their own.  Many of the older teens I see are really good decision makers.  Parents need to listen with that third ear.  Older teens are in the place of trying to become adults and still have fun.  This is a difficult balance but the important piece is that they are trying to become responsible adults.  Encourage this process and work at becoming more of the Consultant.

Have fun watching them making this transition.  

Sherri

FALL FEELINGS

This week we set the clocks back to standard time.  In Texas that is a sign that fall is finally on the way. (At least I hope fall is on the way.)  Tonight I am reminded of fall when I was growing up in Western New York State.  The beginning of fall was marked by certain smells, fresh apples were the best.  There was the smell of leaves burning ands even throwing horse chestnuts into the fire until the popped or exploded.   There was also shorter days.  Those were all a sure sign of the start of fall. I remember all of those signs fondly.  I would look forward to coming home, the lights were on in all the houses adding to the sense of warmth.  

Today many parents are both working and children are in daycare or coming home to an empty house. And after that they have lessons and games and the family may not arrive home until bedtime.  The good feeling about coming home to the warm welcoming home of my youth is not the same.  

So why does this matter?  Children need to feel they have an anchor.  A place they know they are loved and trusted.  They need to feel that no matter what happens home is the safe place to come to when the journey gets rough.  We are so busy today and parents are so stressed by work, the economy etc. that they do not always have the energy that children need.  As parents we need to take care of ourselves but still find patience, nurture and love for our children.  Doing this does not have to be a big affair because often the simple things mean the most. 

Sherri

 

Thanksgiving and Family Faith Traditions

The Thanksgiving holiday is almost upon us.  The time of year to give thanks for our blessings is here.  For many families this is a time in which we enjoy each other's company and reflect upon the past year.  We should start thinking about what our faith traditions reflect to us and how we convey this to our teen.

Thanksgiving is a unique holiday in that it is an American holiday.  The day involves a meal with family and friends celebrating the year and giving thanks.  We celebrate American traditions, family traditions, and faith traditions at this time.  Unlike many other holidays, no gifts are exchanged.  Instead, we exchange time with each other - which can be a gift of tremendous value.  This is a good time to share family stories and reflect upon the values which have been important to the family.

What do we want our teens to remember from Thanksgiving days with the family?  What traditions do we want our teens to take with them as they leave home?  Now is the time to be thinking about this.  Many families take a moment for each person to express thanks for something from the year.  The Thanksgiving table is a good place to share these reflections. 

Think about letting your teen know your thanks that he is in your life.

Dr. Debra

GROUNDING DEBACLES

I wonder if there is ever a teenager that has never been grounded?  As parents that seems to be our default consequence.  There is nothing wrong with grounding unless it is overused, I have noted that at times I have inquired of teens "what are the rules for you in your house?".  When the response is "do you mean grounded or not grounded?  And then when asked they report that most of the time they are grounded." This is grounding being overused.  As a side bar, if your teen is grounded all of the time it is not working to alter their behavior.  

Parents ground teens in many ways.  They may ground them from activities, they may ground them from electronics and activities.  There are many combinations.  Mi biggest concern is when the child is grounded to their room for days.  I have even seen parents ground the teen to their bed for days.  I have never found this to be an effective consequence.  

The biggest difficulty with grounding is when parents do not follow through with the consequence.  Often I am talking with teenagers in my office and I know they are grounded.  In the course of our conversation they will tell me about a party they are planning to attend on Saturday night.  I always inquire - "I thought you were grounded."  The response is always (Do you hear me, always?) "If I'm really good this week, they'll forget!" Let me repeat this - "If I'm really good this week they'll forget!"  And that is what happens, they forget.  When parents do not follow through on a consequence the teen does not alter their behavior.  In addition, the teen learns to not trust the parent.  

When I am working with families I usually  support a system where the teen has to come up with their own consequence.  This seems to invest them in the outcome.  Also, they are more creative than we are.  We tend to use grounding too much.  But the message here is, if at any time you give your teen any kind of consequence please follow through.  When I was 17 I got into trouble and my mother grounded me for 30 days.  It was summer and I had to be in by 10pm every night.  On the 30th day my friend had an end of summer party.  I wanted to go.  No matter who called her my mother just said "30 days is 30 days".  I hated it but I knew then and I know now that she was right.  A consequence is a consequence.  If you are going to use them don't wimp out.  

 Sherri

Being Present with Your Teen

Developing and strengthening bonds with your teen is very important for both your teen and you.  We need to develop a system of discipline, but of equal or even maybe greater importance is spending "quality time" with your teen.

Teens do not often welcome their parents to have close interactions with them.  They would much rather be talking with their friends.  So how do you schedule one-on-one time with your teen?  Think about activities they would like to do - then ask them what they would like to do if you spend a day together. You might be surprised at their response.

Spending time together is important for many reasons.  You will find that your teen will talk more about what is going on with them when you have some time together for fun activities.  She might ask you about when you were a teen - and be prepared to talk with her about your memories of high school.  The two of you can compare notes! 

And spending time with your teen builds good memories.  I once heard Sherri talk about emotional bank accounts.  She talked about how it is difficult to exert discipline/consequences on your teen when the emotional bank account is empty.  Building up that emotional bank account can happen by making a deposit of your time and interest in your teen.

Guess what - you might have a good time too!

Dr. Debra

 

THE ACORN DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE

Probably the only place we learned much about parenting teenagers was from our own parents and our own experiences as a teenager.  So often adults tell me they just can't understand their teenager.  It is true that in some cases the parent and the teen are very different.  But most of the time they are not so very different at the core.  The issues change but the patterns remain similar.  I was in middle school in the late 50's early 60's.  I remember wanting to wear "sneakers" to school like all my friends.  My mother was adamant that those were not for school and I had to wear school shoes.  I hated that and thought she was very out of touch.  I remember being in trouble all of the time for being on the phone too much and wanting to meet my friends at the soda shop. (True, we did meet at Pete's soda shop where we would share one drink and one order of fries)  The issues I see between parents and teens today are frequently about very similar issues as these I had with my parents just updated for the times.  

When parenting my own teenagers I tried to keep in mind the things that had been issues for me as a teenager.   It helped me keep their choices in perspective.  If you would think back you too can remember things that mattered to you as a teen and things you wish your parents had understood.  In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People Steven Covey writes about a father that said to him..."I don't understand my son.  He never listens to me."  Listening is better if you can listen with understanding.  Remembering your adolescence will help improve your listening.  Don't make this something to increase your worrying.  I remember my daughters going to all region band functions as I had done.  I remember hitch hiking to town with my friends on one of those outing  I prayed my daughters would not do such a thing.  Those were the times that were difficult when I worried they could repeat my mistakes.  They grew up in different times from me and that had not occurred to them.  So think back to your own adolesence and use those memories to listen with the third ear.  

Sherri