Parenting with All the Pieces

"SAUCING" - ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Today on the morning news shows I heard about a woman that might be charged for "saucing" her son.  It seems this is a practice of pouring hot sauce in your child's mouth and making them keep it in their mouth without swallowing it.  First of all, I am outraged that we have come up with a "cute" name for an abusive practice.  It seems if we give it a cute name it may be more palatiable.  

That is however, not my main issue with this practice.  When we are raising children we are teaching the child how to become a high functioning adult.  When their behavior does not fall within an acceptable range it is our responsibility as the parent to guide that child and assist them in learning the proper behavior.  At times this involves consequences for the misbehavior.  There is a difference between consequences and punishment.  Punishment may alter a behavior but only if we are likely to find out about it.  We do not instill self regulation of responses with pain or humiliation. Pouring hot sauce in a child's mouth is only about hurting the child not about correcting the behavior.

I continue to be appalled and I am more and more concerned that we are not a society that cherishes children.  Let me know where you stand on this.  Thinks for allowing me to rant.  Sherri

Your Teen and Current Events

Do you ever ask your teen if he or she knows what is happening in the world outside of your immediate area?  You might be surprised what he or she tell you about current events.

Today I taught Sunday School to a group of 15 year old teens.  All of these teens are intelligent.  While we were talking, the conflict in Egypt was discussed.  The fact that the internet in Egypt had been shut down was the focus of the discussion.  The teens did not know why the people in Egypt were protesting, but they sure knew about the internet not working there.  Doesn't this tell us a lot about what the teens think is important? 

This led to an interesting discussion about not only the current events in Egypt, but also how these teens use the internet. 

Try talking with your teen about current events and listen to their perspective.  You might learn something.

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have talked about critical thinking and how that relates to dating for our teens.  Your family weekend challenge is to ask your teen to think of the five most important traits in a boyfriend or girlfriend.  Be prepared to listen and to probably not agree with what you hear.  But just ask your teen to tell you why he or she thinks these traits are important.  Who knows, you might be pleasantly surprised by what you hear!

Good luck,

Dr. Debra

I heard this morning that Dallas Children's Theater is performing 4 plays about issues related to teenage issues, one is on learning disabilities, one on violence in dating, one on eating disorders and one about girls and bulling. If you are in the area you might want to check this out. Sherri

Driving and your Teen

Learning to drive is an important event in a teen's life.  Your teen is excited and perhaps a little anxious about going through this process.  Parents struggle with mixed feelings - some excitement also but apprehension and fear about what can happen to our teen who is driving.

Everyone is excited about developing more independence.  Many parents feel some relief at not having to chaffeur their teen everywhere; with those feelings some fear about what may happen during driving time can emerge. 

Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death in teenagers.  This is probably the greatest fear any of us have - that our teen can be in an accident and potentially a fatal accident.  So how do we cope with this as parents who want to help our teen?

We begin by making sure our teen gets a good driving education.  Parent taught classes can be helpful, as can driving schools.  However your teen is educated, make sure tht he has a lot of supervised time behind the wheel once he obtains his permit.  The more supervised time, the better.  Studies have shown that teens who have a significant amount of supervised driving time have less chance of having an accident.  Other ways we can help our teen is by exhibiting good driving behavior when they are in the car with us.  After all< how can we expect them to drive safely if they see us speeding or running red lights?  Talk with your teen about common driving experiences which may be stressful and how you would handle those situations.

Teaching your teen how to be responsible with driving increases his autonomy but also prepares him for coping with more complex situations.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

FINDING YOURSELF - A BYPRODUCT OF DATING

Yesterday I wrote about dating.  I realized that I want to talk about dating and critical thinking as a way for the teens to learn about themselves.  Don't tell them this but teenage dating is really about learning about relationships and how to be in a dating relationship.  In this way they can then be better prepared in the future when they are really looking for a life partner.  

A part of this process is to learn about one's self.  You learn about what you like in a relationship, how to function in a relationship, and why this makes a difference, among other things.  As we watch and guide our teens thorough this process we want to be curious about things they like and don't like.  Due to this high incident of abuse today in adolescent relationships we need to address those issues and help them see that this is a dangerous area and give them tools for handling and avoiding this.  We can talk with them about how certain things make them feel.  Maybe a young lady loves it when her date opens doors for her or may be she hates this.  All this is information for her.  

All during this child's life we have guided them through new things.  Do you remember learning to tie shoes?  We had to teach them how to make a bed.  When they get a driver's license we were very active in teaching them to drive.  I don't think dating should be left to chance.   

So, ask inquiring questions.  Caution, carefully, about dangers.  When we go into lecture we loose them. When something seems wrong to us, ask about his they feel about that thing.  Be a guide asking good questions.  And as always give lots and lots of positive feedback. 

Good luck.  Sherri

 

I really liked Dr. Debra's blog yesterday.  Dating is an issue of adolescence that I feel very strongly about.  I love that she said  "Dating is about getting to know another person.."  More than that, adolescent dating is about learning how to get to know another person.  I am very concerned that our teenagers do not realize that this is true. They understand dating to be about the connection, finding someone that "completes" you.  

If we think about this in terms of growing critical thinking there are some things we can do to help this develop.   We need to be seen as a parent that listens without judging.  Then if you have been working on your listening skills - that is critical here.  You can have some conversations with your teen about their new "love interest".  Ask inquiring questions about what they like about this new person.  It is important to listen and be curios about things but not to judge even when you want to.  

Please, do not lecture.  The days of teaching by telling are done.  We need to give them the space to learn by experience.  We are always watchful so we can intervene if they really have to have a safety net.  This is not every time we fear they could get hurt but when really difficult things are falling apart. We need to ask questions to help them process when things did go wrong.  I divert, this is not what this is about.  

I got off the track for a minute.  Have conversations where you listen more that you talk and find out what they are looking for in someone to date.  How do they want to spend time.  I often hear girls say they want to go on dates but the boys want to stay home and watch movies.  Help them learn how to ask for what they need as they are getting to know tho other person but also who they are in a dating relationship.   

Hummmm, I did not realize that this was where I was going.  I think this is important and tomorrow I want to write about that.  See you tomorrow.  Sherri

Due Diligence in Dating

We have been talking about critical thinking and decision making.  One area in which our teen needs to use critical thinking relates to dating!  Attraction and hormones tend to rule the decisions our teen makes in this area, not careful thinking about the person he or she may be "talking to" or dating.

Due diligence involves getting to know a person - his values, his likes/dislikes, and his history.  Dating is about getting to know another person - and most teens will "talk to " someone via text-messaging or cell phone conversations for a time before actually dating. 

Help your teen think about the things he or she should ask about during this "talking" phase.  Many teens won't think about  some important topics.  Some topics you might consider discussing would be as follows:  Who is in the teen's family?  How does he get along with family members?  Does he attend school regularly?  What extra-curricular activities does he like?  Does he go to church?  These are questions your teen might want to ask along with the usual type of questions as to which music does he like, food he likes, etc.  Your teen might know a lot of little details about a potential boyfriend or girlfriend without know the big details. 

Help your teen think about what he or she needs to discuss with potential love interests.  After all, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Let's play a game this weekend.  We have been talking about respect and critical thinking.  Soooo, on Friday night before you go to bed toss a coin.  If you get heads then on Saturday, catch ever person in your family "doing something good" and surprise them with a validation.   But don't tell anyone what you are doing.  If you get tails then you can choose to to the task or not.  But if you choose to do it you must do it for everyone not just those that are especially good that day.  Watch to see the reactions you receive.  Have fun with this. Have a great weekend.  Sherri

RESPECT and your teen

Arethra Franklin sang about respect.  I sometimes think about her song when I am working with teens and their families.  Respect is a key ingredient that is frequently missing in parent-teen interactions. Adding this ingredient into the relationship with your teen can change the interactions between you and your teen in a positive way.

As parents, we often feel we get no respect (to quote Rodney Dangerfield) from our teens.  But have you ever considered that your teen may feel he gets no respect from you?  Many teens have told me that they do not feel respected by their parents.  Teens interpret comments we make as parents as disrespectful often - and we parents may not even realize this. 

How do we get respect from our teen?  We get respect by giving respect.  Interact with your teen in the way you would with a coworker in terms of your tone of voice and how you ask questions.  Give your teen some privacy.  And talk to your teen about how you would like to be addressed by him.  Bringing the topic of respect up with your teen - mutual respect - may be a catalyst for bringing this element into your relationship.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

 

PARENT POWER

Too often in my office I see teenagers with too much power in the family.  When kids get power in a family it is quite difficult to get the power back.  It is certainly better to not loose the power in the first place but we are looking at what to do when you have already given away your power.  There are many techniques to do this and usually all or most of them are relevant but today I want to talk about just one thing.  I don't know about you but I do better if I have to manage one change at a time.  

Frequently I hear parents talk about disrespectful teenagers.  They talk about the old fashioned eye rolling, "whatever", "sure", arguing etc.  Disrespectful behavior is not acceptable but too often we give them our power when we overreact to those and similar behaviors. When we stay "in control" we keep our power.  For example:  when your teen in arguing with you and speaking in a disrespectful manner it is better to respond with "This is not an acceptable way to talk with me.  When you are calmer come back and we can discuss this in a reasonable manner."When we respond in an angry manner we give them our power and provide poor role modeling.  

Parents sometimes tell me they are too angry to handle things constructively.  If that is the case tell you teen that I need to calm down and when we are both calmer we can discuss this.  In this manner we are teaching our ten ways to handle disagreement in a constructive way and we are teaching respect.  So I hope this is not your issue but if it is try a different way to handle disrespect and see what results.  Have a good week.  Sherri

 

 

A BRIGHTER LOOK AT GROWING INTO ADULTHOOD

Happy the sun has finally come out day.  We have had such cloudy weather for days I'm happy to see the sun.  So what has been the theme in my office today.  As I write this I have seen young adults and not teenagers so far today.  What I have heard is about the negative feedback these young women received as kids and especially as teenagers.  As a result, today they are having trouble getting on with their lives because they have no sense of self worth. They cannot trust their ability to make decisions that will work out well and as a result they often sabotage those decisions.  

We have been talking about critical thinking.  Just encouraging and modeling critical thinking may not be enough if at the same time we don't give them enough of a foundation upon which to build their self worth.    We all want out children to grow up to be happy and productive adults.  I believe we accomplish that more with positive feedback and not so much criticism.  I'm not suggesting a return to Pollyanna but this blank slate we get to influence needs more positives than negatives.  

Give this some thought.  I think it really makes a difference.  Sherri

Critical Thinking and Critical Decisions

Decisions that our teens make can impact their lives.  Teaching our teens that decision-making is critical for them involves helping them develop critical thinking skills.  Sherri and I have blogged about different ways to help our teen improve critical thinking.  Different ways to develop this skill include game-playing, discussions of current media events, and discussions of how to problem-solve difficult situations.

Discuss important life decisions with your teen.  Ask your teen to think about all the possible outcomes to these life decisions.  One example would be the decision to pursue more education after high school or not to pursue more education.  Ask your teen to think about how things might go for him if he gets his high school education then enters the working world; gets training in a program for a specialized job such as an auto mechanic or a hairdresser; or goes to college for a degree.  Have your teen discuss the positive and negative aspects of each of these decisions.  Critical thinking would involve thinking about all the possible outcomes of each decision.

As parents we do not always want to talk about these issues with our teen.  But we are the best people to teach our teens these very important critical thinking skills.  We want to equip our teen to make the decisions that will have the most positive outcome for his life.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week Sherri and I have blogged about critical thinking and how to help your teen develop this skill.  The challenge for you this weekend is to listen to your teen and look for something he is talking about that he can apply critical thinking skills to the problem.  Get him to tell you how he is thinking about that topic and how he developed his ideas.

Have fun!

Dr. Debra

Critical Thinking and the Arizona Shooting Tragedy

Critical thinking is important for us to help our teens develop.  Sherri's blog about finding ways to help your teen develop this skill through game playing and other strategies is an excellent way to help your teen sharpen those thinking skills.

What we as parents do to help our teens critically think about the tragedies we face?  The terrible tragedy of the Arizona shooting is in all of our media outlets - your teen probably has seen or heard of the murder and injury of the Congresswoman and others in Arizona.  How do we apply critical thinking to this tragedy?

Let your teen tell you what he or she thinks about this tragedy.  Ask him how he feels about this horrible event.  After he expresses his thoughts and feelings, ask him why he think this happened.  Ask him what he thinks about the intern who rapidly attended to the Congresswoman and why his actions were important.  Ask him how he would handle being in such a situation.  We don't want to discuss these painful events with our teens, but helping them process this and helping them think about what they would do in a crisis situation such as this is important.  By talking through such a tragic event and helping your teen think about this critically you are not only helping him learn how to continue thinking even when he has sad or fearful thinking, you are helping him be prepared for crises.

Tonight I ask for all of us to pray for the families of the people who were killed or injured in this tragedy.    

Dr. Debra

STELTH STRATEGIES FOR TEACHING CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS

This morning while I was in the shower and thinking about today's blog (Do you do your best thinking in the shower?) I got to thinking about how serious this topic has felt to me.  So with that in mind, let's look at ways to make this more fun.  Traditionally, when teachers are developing critical thinking skills they read a story and then ask the children to tell what they think will happen next.  You can certainly do this with your younger children and Memory games and things like that are a good way to work on this.  With older kids there are many games that can be played as a family the develop critical thinking skills.  You don't have to teach all your children to play chess but any game that is not just based on luck or the deal of the cards will help.  

Since it is important to have some family time this is a good way to sort of kill 2 birds with one stone. (What a terrible analogy.)   With much older teens this may be difficult to start if it is not your family pattern.  However, since sometimes it is difficult for teens to sit down and have conversations with parents or the entire family this is a easier way to be together.  Find games that may interest your teens.  It depends upon their interests.  My kids have always liked to play cards so we would play Spades, and Pinocchio; things they liked.  I tried to interest them in bridge but not luck there.  We also played Battleship and then they played Risk.  Even jig saw puzzles on a cold winter day are good.  

So have fun with your kids and try some new things.  Don't get connected to just one certain game.  Find one the entire family enjoys playing.   They don't have to know they are developing better critical thinking skills.  Sherri

MORE ON CRITICAL THINKING

I so agree with Dr. Debra's post yesterday.  I worry that we are not providing an environment that teaches our children critical thinking.  We cannot be high functioning adults with out this.  I have been thinking about this today in relationship to allowing our teens to make more of their own decisions.  When we turn over this process on a specific issue it is difficult for us to allow them to sort through the decision.  We have a tendency to want to interject our opinions.  It is even more difficult when the decision does not work out too well.  In an effort to help them develop more critical thinking skills we need to allow them to make mistakes and then "be curious" about how it worked out.  We need to ask questions about what they will do next.  If we take over because it did not work out well they will not develop confidence in decision making and they will be more likely to turn to us to make decisions for them.  

Good luck and be patient.  The rewards are worth it.  Sherri

Teaching Your Teen about Critical Thinking

Critical thinking is a phrase we hear more frequently these days.  How do we think about teaching our teens how to think critically?

The first component to teaching our teens to think critically is for us to have some idea of how our teen thinks.  You might be pleasantly surprised to learn that your teen thinks independently and in a positive problem-solving manner.  On the other hand, you might learn that your teen thinks in sound bites - due to so much communication being via texting these days.

You can learn how your teen thinks by having some conversations in which you pose some typical problems and ask your teen how he would handle them.  I am referring to problems that a young adult or teen might have to solve, such as how do you deal with your car not starting one day?  Think about other problems that might have to be solved, and ask your teen how he would handle those problems.

Once you have an idea of how your teen problem-solves, you can begin to teach him how to think critically.  In critical thinking, one problem-solves the immediate problem and then thinks of what changes he needs to make to improve the situation.

Teaching this skill to our teens today is essential to helping them function in today's world.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend as you are involved with your daily activities.  Talk through with your children a decision you are making.  Not to process the decision with them but so they can "overhear" the steps you are taking when making a decision.  

Rewarding Good Decision Making

We have talked about your teen and decision making this week.  Making decisions is something everyone has to learn.  And being able to make good, well thought out decisions is a skill that will help your teen in all areas of his life.  

So how do we help our teen with decision making?  Listening to their decision points is very important.  Don't jump in too quickly to tell your teen what he should do, even though the answer seems so obvious to you.  Instead, sit back and watch how they debate what they should do.  If you are asked, help them think through the pros and cons of each decision rather than telling them what you think is the best answer for their situation. 

And once those decisions are made, be supportive of your teen's positive choices.  When you see your teen make a good decision, reward his choice by letting him know you think he chose well.  You might ask him if he would like to celebrate by watching a movie, or going to the museum, or ballgame, or whatever you and your teen's imagination might take you.

Dr. Debra

Rewarding Good Decision Making

We have talked about your teen and decision making this week.  Making decisions is something everyone has to learn.  And being able to make good, well thought out decisions is a skill that will help your teen in all areas of his life.  

So how do we help our teen with decision making?  Listening to their decision points is very important.  Don't jump in too quickly to tell your teen what he should do, even though the answer seems so obvious to you.  Instead, sit back and watch how they debate what they should do.  If you are asked, help them think through the pros and cons of each decision rather than telling them what you think is the best answer for their situation. 

And once those decisions are made, be supportive of your teen's positive choices.  When you see your teen make a good decision, reward his choice by letting him know you think he chose well.  You might ask him if he would like to celebrate by watching a movie, or going to the museum, or ballgame, or whatever you and your teen's imagination might take you.

Dr. Debra

MOLDING SUCCESSFUL DECISION MAKERS AND INDIVIDUATION

Yesterday I said I would discuss helping our children Individuate.  Ideally, this is a process that occurs gradually.  As they get older they are given more and more freedom to take on new responsibilities and privileges.  This does not imply that they will always make "good" decisions.  They need to experience what it is like to make a decision that does not work out well and then figure out what to do about it.  This may sound irresponsible.   But if you start this early enough the decisions are inconsequential and the risk is less.  

If you now have a teenager and you have not started this early and have to start now it can be scarier because the issues to be decided can be bigger.  Also, in adolescence, we believe that we are invincible.  But the process is still basically the same.  Look at the issues to be decided.  You may be looking at your older teenager driving by themselves.  You set the guidelines and then have them make short trips.  When all goes well you can increase the length of the trip.  Please understand.  They do not have to drive to the mailbox 35 times to prove they are a safe driver.  I tended to give my kids more freedom and allowed them to make decisions because I was still here with the safety net.  When they were off at college I would not be able to be so aware of what they were doing.  After my eldest daughter's high school graduation she wanted to drive to New Orleans with a non driving friend.  I told her that was too long a trip and she could not do it.  When she got to college she and 4 friends drove to Matamoris, Mexico for the weekend.  It was a very long trip and on the way my daughter drove the entire way to prove to me that she could drive a long car trip. I must confess I wasn't happy about this but I understood.   

So, slowly turn things over to your children so they develop the confidence they need in making their own decisions and guiding them into adulthood. Sherri

ARRESTED DECISION MAKING

Sometimes I blog about things that I am seeing my office that worry me.  We all want to be great parents. We want our kids to be happy, healthy and safe.  I have and do worry about those things with my own children, who are now adults.  When my oldest daughter was born I did everything I could to make her life, in my mind, "perfect"; even down to making her baby food.  And then when she was 2 1/2 half she fell and broke her leg.  In truth she was only in a cast about 3 weeks.  But when this happened she actually got depressed.  I could see it and knew what it was.  I realized, luckily for her, that no matter what I could never protect her from all hurts and probably shouldn't. We need to allow our children to experience both the good and the bad so they learn how to handle such things.  I am not suggesting we don't have rules etc but I am suggesting that we should not be so overprotective that they don't learn to handle hurt when it comes.  When we are too overprotective we give the message that they are not capable.  

As they are growing up and even when they become adults they will make decisions that are not the ones we would make for them.  We need to allow them to learn from their mistakes and we need to learn from their successful, but not our, decisions.  

I seem to be seeing a number of out of high school teens that are not allowed to make decisions.  Of course they can just move out but they do not want to have to do this.  They want to be allowed to grow up.  If your find yourself in this situation you need to start giving them more and more rope so they can do this growing.  If you are overprotective but they are younger you can space out the increase in independent decision making.  In any case, encourage them to make their own decisions.  Help them learn to do this.  Tomorrow I will talk about how to do this.  

Sherri

Implementing Change with Your Teen

New Year's Day has passed.  We brought in the New Year with positive thoughts and resolutions.  We have taken the first step to implementing change - which is to identify what we want to improve.

Identify with your teen the changes he wants to make.  While you are doing this, help him focus on what changes are really important.  I heard someone today say that when we make resolutions, we tend to shoot too low.  We should be thinking of those things that are most important.

After identifying the changes, decide how much change and by when - in other words, set specific measurable achievable time frames and goals.  For example, if a family goal is for the family to communicate better, set a specific time each week for a family meeting and decide in advance what things you should be talking about.  School, work, faith issues are topics you might want to consider.

The more you can teach your teen about taking the right steps to make change, the better you equip him to cope with change in the future.  And you can teach him how to take control of what he can to make change a positive event.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Debra