ARRESTED DECISION MAKING

Sometimes I blog about things that I am seeing my office that worry me.  We all want to be great parents. We want our kids to be happy, healthy and safe.  I have and do worry about those things with my own children, who are now adults.  When my oldest daughter was born I did everything I could to make her life, in my mind, "perfect"; even down to making her baby food.  And then when she was 2 1/2 half she fell and broke her leg.  In truth she was only in a cast about 3 weeks.  But when this happened she actually got depressed.  I could see it and knew what it was.  I realized, luckily for her, that no matter what I could never protect her from all hurts and probably shouldn't. We need to allow our children to experience both the good and the bad so they learn how to handle such things.  I am not suggesting we don't have rules etc but I am suggesting that we should not be so overprotective that they don't learn to handle hurt when it comes.  When we are too overprotective we give the message that they are not capable.  

As they are growing up and even when they become adults they will make decisions that are not the ones we would make for them.  We need to allow them to learn from their mistakes and we need to learn from their successful, but not our, decisions.  

I seem to be seeing a number of out of high school teens that are not allowed to make decisions.  Of course they can just move out but they do not want to have to do this.  They want to be allowed to grow up.  If your find yourself in this situation you need to start giving them more and more rope so they can do this growing.  If you are overprotective but they are younger you can space out the increase in independent decision making.  In any case, encourage them to make their own decisions.  Help them learn to do this.  Tomorrow I will talk about how to do this.  

Sherri

Comments

[Debra Atkisson Kowalski]

Sherri,
This is a very thoughtful and insightful about letting your teen experience pain at times as part of the growth process. Thanks for writing this and I look forward to your follow-up.
Dr. Debra