Parenting with All the Pieces

ENCOURAGING POSITIVE STEPS

I really liked Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about helping your teen define success.  Too often I see adults that never learned to define their own success and always have felt that they were not "measuring up".  If they had received help in defining their own success as a child they would be better about it today.  

But that being said today I want to talk about encouraging positive direction in decision making.  When we are learning to make decisions we may not always end up at a good place but along the way we did some good things.  We may not end up with a "good" decision but we determined correctly the aspects that had to be considered.  Sometimes I see people have a good decision making process but they start with faulty information and end up with a decision that will not work out well.  If they make a decision that does not work out well we need to use this as a learning opportunity to help them hone their skills.  

As the parent of a teenager working on decision making we need to encourage the positive aspects of decision making we see in this manner we assist them in continuing making decisions.  Our goal is for them to grow into good decision makers as adults.  Work on not allowing this to stress you out too much but to understand that this is a process.  

Oscar Night with your Teen: Becoming a Winner

Tonight is Oscar Night- a time in which many teens will be watching with friends and maybe family.  Our society places an emphasis on celebrities and their success.  Our teens receive messages about what success means.  And the movies that are nominated have messages to our teens about life and how to succeed.

What lessons can we help our teen learn from this annual event?  Talking about the content of the movies which are nominated is important.  You will have an opportunity to understand how your teen is interpreting messages from the movies - some of which may be very positive and some which may be negative.  Another topic for discussion is how your teen perceives the actors and actresses who are present at the event.  And probably the most important topic is what succeeding actually means. 

Everyone has his or her own definition of success.  I challenge you to really think about what is important and how this pertains to being successful.  And be certain to discuss this with your teen.  I have seen many a teenager become derailed from happiness because he did not think he was being "successful."

Enjoy talking with your teen about this topic - you might be pleasantly surprised about how your teen views this.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

Since we have been talking about decision making this week why not try to experiment with decision making this weekend.  You might play a game that requires decision making.  You might try asking your teenager to process a decision about your summer vacation or weekend plans.  Set up a situation that puts them in the position of making a decision.  Watch for how they do and what role you play.  Have fun.  Sherri

Practicing Good Decision Making

Decision making is something all of us do daily.  Many decisions your teen faces are not complex - what to eat for breakfast or wear to school for example.  But even decisions which are simple can have negative consequences if poor choices are made.  Wearing clothes to school that do not comply to the school dress code can cause your teen to have school problems as an example.

Our teens are faced with many decisions that are more complex.  Which classes to take in school, how to spend time in electives, who to hang out with at school, what kind of job to try to find - the list goes on.  How do we help our teen with practicing good decision making?

I think the first thing we should do as parents is to try to reduce any anxiety our teen has about these decisions.  I have seen some teens who are almost tied up in knots with anxiety due to their fears that if they don't do everything just right that their future will be a bad one.  If we can reduce the anxiety we can help our teens see that there is almost always more than one possibility with decision making.  Practicing good decision making means helping our teens generate many possible options and deciding which one makes the most sense to them. 

I like to think of decision making as a puzzle to be solved.  If you can approach this in a way to make decision making interesting, you can engage your teen and help him learn one of his most important life skills.

Dr. Debra

 

ROMANCING INDEPENDENT THINKERS

As parents we are initially put in the position of making all decisions for our children.  As they grow and mature we want them to be able to make more of those decisions on their own.  There is a critical balance here.  We should not hold them back and make decisions for them when they should be able to make them for themselves.  But on the flip side, we don't want to put them in a situation where they have to make decisions before they have the cognitive complexity to accomplish this task.  

We want to start early when for the most part the decisions "don't matter."  We start by giving them choices.  Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt.  As time goes on we encourage their confidence in making independent decisions by asking them what they think should happen or what they should do.  When we allow them to make decisions on their own we then process with them how that decision worked out.  If it worked okay even if not the decision we would have made, we encourage them.  If it was a bust first we ask them about how they feel it worked out and then we inquire about how they might fix what had occurred if possible or we ask them to process with us what they might try in this situation in the future.  

In my practice I see both older teenagers and young adults.  I'm sad when a young adult tells me that they are afraid to make decisions and/or they don't know how.  The other side of this is the young adult that makes decisions but they are impulsive and seldom work out well for them. We have not done our job if they get to this place and the decision making process is flawed. I think it is like teaching your child to make their bed.  If the parents just says...make your bed but there is not teaching they may not do a good job.  If instead the parents works with the child to teach them the steps and encourage their progress they learn to do a good job.  Children are not born knowing how to make a bed or make good decisions.  They need guidance and training.   As the parent this is our job.  Watch for things you alread do to encourage good decision making in your children.  HAve a good day.  Sherri

MODELING RESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOR

Last week I wrote about romancing our teens. I want to write for awhile about how to do this. I think it goes without saying that as parents we need to model the behavior we want to see in our kids.  We model behavior for them in so many situations basically; in our personal relationships, in our relationship with them, in our management of business affairs, in how we care for ourselves, in how we handle our emotions, in how we deal with conflict, this could turn into an exhaustive list.  In each situation we show our children how to "be" by what we do.  Sometimes we simply react and that is normal but we want to minimize that sort of reaction as best we can.  I choose to try to always think about how ai will manage any situation before I respond.  I tend to start from the end result as a way to do this.  For example, if I want someone to listen to my idea I realize that this is where I want to end up and a decide what is my best approach for this to happen.  I then develop a plan for achieving this goal.  This is not the only way to do this but what works best for me.  The more we make a decision about how to respond to any given situation the more we are in control of our actions.  In particular, I see so many families where someone gets very angry with a child and yells or is disrespectful.  When we model this behavior that may be the behavior we see back.  If we want our children to grow up to be charitable we need to demonstrate how important that is to us.  If we use financial discretion our children are more likely to show that same behavior as adults.  All of this is about modeling the behavior we want to see in our children.  Watch for what you model.  Sherri

Modelling Relationships for Your Teen

Do our teens listen to what we say?  Sometimes.  Do our teens notice what we do.  In one word - yes.  Believe it or not, your teen can probably tell you more about how you relate to others than you realize.  And they base their own relationships on how they see you behave in your relationships.

I think this goes back to the old adage of "Do what I say not what I do."  But in the case of teaching your teen how to have healthy relationships, the thought should be "Listen to what I say and do what I do."  We need to be consistent in behaving in a thoughtful, kind manner in our relationships with peers and significant others.  Your teen will hopefully behave the same way in his relationships. 

I don't know about you, but the fact that my teen is watching will make me think twice about my interactions!

Dr. Debra

ROMANCING TEENAGERS

This is not a left over valentine blog.  For some reason I have been thinking about romancing responsible behavior in teenagers.  I do not believe that any parent would say they did not want their child to grow up to be responsible.  However, we do not always understand how to accomplish this.  Too often we feel that if we control all aspects of their lives they will learn responsibility.  Not true.  I think instead it is more of a shaping process; why I call this romancing responsible behavior.  I think I will blog about this for a few sessions  There are various techniques inherent here.  As always modeling the behavior we hope to see is the first thing.  After that the romancing part comes into play.  We need to guide them into independent decision making.  We need to encourage positive behaviors or steps.  We also need to express confidence in them and in their choices often.  I think for the next few blogs I will talk about these and other tips for romancing responsible behavior.  I hope you will check in and comment.  Sherri

Making Each Day Count with Your Teen

Today we celebrate Valentine's Day.  Seems like we were just celebrating Christmas and New Year's!

Holidays are great times with family and friends.  Your teen especially enjoys holiday time - being away from from school is reason enough to enjoy holiday times.  Special days like Valentine's Day can be a fun time as well.

But what do we do on "regular" days?  Do we do anything to make each day special, to celebrate each day?  I know that most of us are busy trying to just get through our work day and other obligations; and this can interfere with us having a focus on the importance of time with our teen.  Because our teen is rapidly approaching adulthood and will be leaving home, we need to focus on making each day count.

How do we do that?  Just checking in with our teen, asking about his day, his thoughts, his experiences can be a way of making each day count.  Trying to celebrate the day in some small way can also be an important way to make the day special.

If you think about it, you can probably think of even more ways to make each day count with your teen.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Dr. Debra

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Valentine's Day is approaching on Monday.  Find a time to ask your teen what he thinks is special about Valentine's Day this weekend.  Plan something to surprise your teen; your surprise can be a card in which you write some of the things you think are special about your teen.  Another consideration would be to think about something to make the day special for your teen such as preparing a favorite food.   Surprise your teen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr. Debra

The Overscheduled Teen

We have been writing about helping your teen find his talents and learning to be his personal best.  One stumbling block to accomplishing this is having a teen who is overscheduled.  I see teens all the time who are going to band or athletic practice at 6:30 AM, attending class, then returning to practice until evening. Then they go to dance class, or sports lessons, or tutoring before returning home to start homework sometime that night.  One teen told me she had four hours each night "scheduled" to sleep.  She seemed convinced that four hours was adequate sleep.  Listening to some of these teens' schedules makes me feel tired.  I cannot imagine how it is for them.

So how do we help our teen with this?  Going back to helping him understand his aptitudes and gifts is a good way to help.  Once he understands where his talents and interests lie, help him look carefully at how he is spending his time.  If he is engaging in activities that fall outside his interest, try to help him understand why he is in those activities.  He may need to make some choices about how he spends his time.

After all, don't we want our teen to have fun during the process? 

Dr. Debra

 

TENNIS AS A LIFE PRESERVER?

This week we have been writing about nurturing your teenager’s gifts and talents.  Dr. Debra talked about our personal best.  I wrote about being positive about our own gifts.  Our teenagers do not always know what their gifts and talents are.  It is our job to help them find this.  James Dobson once wrote about his father teaching him to play tennis and they played together all the time.  At times he hated it but when he was a teenager he said it was tennis that saved him as a teen.  When everything was falling apart as a teenager he could depend upon tennis going well.  It was the one thing he could depend upon.  

Today I see teenagers that either have too many activities or nothing but friends and video games.  Our kids need activities but not so many that they do not have personal time.  Also they need to be in activities.  Again, I think it is about balance.  When a teen knows what they are good at they can strive for their personal best.  

Watch your teenager and help them decide what they are good at and allow them the space and guidance to pursue interests.  As the parent we need to be careful that we do not push then into what we want them to do.  I have seen teens that want to stop an activity but fear the parent will be disappointed.  They should find what they are good at but also what they enjoy.  This should be a fun pursuit for both of you just remember it needs to be about them not you.  Have fun.  Sherri

 

BEING ALL THAT YOU CAN BE

I really like what Dr. Debra said yesterday aobut defining what your best is; helping you teens understand what their best is.  I think these is another aspect to this as we look at the role models we are.  We need to be very good at how we speak to ourselves in this arena.  I remember watching my mother, an amature artist, being critical of her work.  I then heard My daughter, a budding artist, saying those same things about her work.  

As parents we need to find the balance between humality and personal pride.  Our children need to overhear us take pride in the things we do well.  But we also don't want them to feel we are an act to difficult to follow.  That's where the balance piece comes in.  Sherri

Super Bowl Sunday

So much excitement has occurred this week about the Super Bowl.  As I write this, Green Bay is leading Pittsburgh by a few points in the last quarter of the game.  Teenagers are congregating at friend's homes to watch the superbowl game and have fun in each other's company.  Your home may be one of the gathering spots for teens.

The Super Bowl represents for sports fans the two best football teams in the country fighting it out to be number 1; to "be the best."  What does the Super Bowl represent for our teens?  Friends, fun, and food is the immediate focus for most teenagers on Super Bowl Sunday.  But what is the other message that our teens are receiving?  The focus on the importance of being number 1; "to be the best."

Visit with your teen about the concept of being "the best."  Explore how your teen views this concept.  Make sure he does not see himself as someone who can never measure up to being the best.  Instead, help him define what that term would mean for him personally.  And help him understand the concept of "doing one's best" and "being the best person you can be" which is a very different concept from being number 1.  The best idea to give your teen is that many people can be the best, but usually at different things.  The person who is the best football player is not the person who may be the best vocalist, for example. 

Identifying what your personal best is and developing ways to improve your strengths is a great thing for your teen to learn now.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

A big area of the USA has been covered with snow and ice.  Many families have been housebound this week at different times.  As the weather begins to clear, talk to your teen about what he or she has missed most while being at home this week.  Plan to go somewhere together once you can safely go outdoors.  And until you can go out, enjoy each other's company.

Dr. Debra

 

INTENTIONAL PARENTING

Yesterday I wrote about saucing.  I'm still disturbed about this practice.  I have been thinking about this and decided to write about parenting with attention and intention.  Dr. Debra and I write about this at times and discuss it when we conduct parenting workshops.  I think that at times some parents, parent in a reactive manner.  

Everything you do in your role as parent has an impact on your child.  Today, I see primarily adults in therapy.   Frequently I hear stories about things that occurred when they were growing up.  If you think back to your own childhood you will likely remember things that occurred that were difficult for you at the time.  Obviously, for most of this these memories were not abuse.  I believe all parents do the best job they are capable of doing.  This blog is to help you see that there are always things you can do better.  In the incident of "saucing" on the news this mother believed she had an unmanageable child.  If this is the cased please get help for yu and your child to prevent these kinds of abuse. 

Doing better is parenting with attention and intention.  That means to to think about your actions in the role of parent.  You never have to act immediately to address 99% of misbehaviors.  If we take the time to think about the best action we are less likely to parent reactively.  Sherri