TEENS AND DIVORCED PARENTS

I have thought a lot about Dr. Debra's blog on consistency with divorced parents. There has always been a great deal of discussion if it is better to get divorced or to "stay together for the sake of the kids". I don't think there is one right answer and that is not the topic here today. I have always thought that when parents divorce the kids should live in the house and the parents should move in and out for visitation. Obviously, this is not practical but it would set a tone of making decisions with the needs of the children in mind. There are a few kinds of referrals that when I hear the reason for the referral I think "Oh Dear". One of these is divorced parents and they (all four; parents and step parents will be coming in) for the session. In truth, a few times this has worked well but more often it is a disaster. I have taken a few cases referred by family court and I won't take those any more. At one point parents loved each other (at least I hope that was the case) and had children together. In those cases the parents put their own needs ahead of the needs of their children.

There are times when divorce is necessary and needs to happen. When that is the case the needs of the children become even more critical than before. Parents have made the decision to end their marriage but they cannot end their parenting responsibilities. This is when you are really called to be a grownup. It is never alright to continue your fight, through the issues related to the children and especially custody. We know that fighting after divorce whether face to face or through the courts is about the parent's unresolved issues and not the kids. I knew someone once that at the time of the divorce they agreed to live on the same school bus line so from either house the kids would get onto the same school bus every morning. They kept one checking account for the kids' expenses and they both contributed to that account. They both stayed at the same church so the kids didn't have to move. Children need both of their parents and they need to feel that it is okay with each parent to make that happen. Children should never be expected to choose whom they love more. Rest assured that happens, sadly, more that I want to think. The needs of the children become paramount. You have to attend activities, help with homework and other duties of parenting. This does not change with remarriage. Parents divorce for themselves; children usually want their parents to reconcile. We owe our children the very best we can do for them. When we have children in this vertical relationship we are expected to care for them, teach them how the world works, give them unconditional love, validate them, listen, and guide them among other things. This still needs to happen even when we put them in the position of living in two different homes. When you divorce make sure you make the children primary and that likely means you may need to seek professional help to understand your actions and your perspective. You owe this to your children. Obviously this does not apply when there is abuse by one parent. In many of those cases the children need to be protected from the abusive parent and that changes all of this. These are difficult issues. If these are your issues, don't lose sight of the goal. Sherri

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