Parenting with All the Pieces

WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OUR DAUGHTERS?

This is a diversion from my plan for the blog today. Sometimes I hear something that makes me change my plan. This morning on Good Morning America the Girl Scouts of America were interviewed about their new initiative to get more girls involved in scouting. They have changed direction of Girl Scouts to help young women be all that they can be. They quoted a study that talked about the small number of women in leadership positions in jobs in America. I tried to find the stats but I have not been successful in that endeavor. But what they did say that this trend for females to move away from leadership position goals begins in middle school. I was not surprised but I was appalled. As a nation we need to pay attention to helping young women find heart for moving into more of these career goals. Although women are dominating the fields in medicine and science we are still not moving into these positions. Just food for thought and maybe action. Sheri

COULD MY TEEN’S SOCIAL ISOLATION BE RELATED TO POOR SELF WORTH?

We have been blogging about things that can contribute to social isolation in teenagers. Today I want to address low self-worth. Teenagers may often have issues with poor self-worth. I think about self-worth in two ways. There is the aspect of feeling like you don't have anything you are good at. There is also the aspect of feeling like at your core you don't measure up. Since adolescence is such a time of flux it is common for teenagers to feel like they are not valuable. Their bodies are changing and things they used to count on no longer work the same. For example, if there is a large growth spurt they might be seen as clumsy since where they put their feet when walking doesn't work the same; not until they adjust to the changes. The ways they always interacted with friend family etc. now doesn't seem to work the same and at times they open their mouth to say something and someone else speaks in a different voice or especially with a different tone. All of these changes can contribute to poor self-worth.

There are other situations when a child has been abused either physically or sexually or other traumatic factors and they can feel defective at the core. I recently saw the movie "Extremely Loud and Incredibilly Close". (If you haven't seen this movie you should see it even though it is very sad.) In this movie Oskar is very traumatized by his father's death in 9-11. He struggles with his own worth as a result of this loss. In situations of abuse, at times, a survivor is known to say "I must have been defective when I was born or God would have given me to different parents. These traumatic events lead very directly to poor self-worth.

In any situation of poor self-worth teenagers may isolate more because they do not feel like they measure up or it is too difficult to try to join in when they feel less than….. In these situations it is important to do thing to improve your child's self-worth. I think tomorrow we will address activities to do about self-worth. Sherri

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

These past 2 weeks we have been writing about social isolation. Especially if you have an isolating teen but even if you don't that a few hours this weekend to spend time playing a game together. Watching a movie or a football game together is not the same because this is not the interaction. Have a great time. Sherri

BULLYING AND SOCIAL ISOLATION

Teens with social isolation may find themselves in a no-win situation. These students may be avoiding other students because they feel that they are not deserving to have friends due to their status as someone who is bullied. This creates a terrible cycle for the teen - he feels badly about his social status and feels worse once he is bullied. Then he withdraws more due to feeling badly after being bullied. How do we help these teens? We need to try to determine when we see a teen isolating himself what is going on in his world. Becoming socially isolated may be a response to several stresses: bullying, abuse, depression, social anxiety, substance abuse, family conflict, or peer conflict. As parents, we can try to determine what is causing the social isolation. If bullying is the cause, we need to meet with school personnel if the bullying is occurring in the school setting. Whatever the cause, we need to support our teen and help him find better ways to cope than withdrawing from others. Dr. Debra

COULD BULLYING CAUSE MY TEENAGER TO ISOLATE?

Bullying is one of the most tragic conditions in schools today. In latency and early adolescence, developmentally kids are trying to figure out who they are especially in relationship to others. This contributes to the bullying in schools but the schools do not take a hard enough line on bullying. Today this is even worse because of cyber bullying. When children are small we not allow them to determine how they will fare against a car by running in the street, so we teach them to stay out of the street and to watch when they cross the road. In school we say well, kids will be kids. How is it not the same and why don't schools take a hard line on bullies? What are we really teaching them?

Bullying damages both the bully and the bullied. But for the purposes here I will speak of the bullied. Teenagers have very fragile self-esteems. They need peer conformation that they are" doing adolescence well." When they are the target of a bully they feel flawed and inadequate. At this fragile time this is something that can last a lifetime.

If your teenager is or has been the target of a bully they may isolate and avoid social interaction because they don't feel they measure up and they are fearful that other are watching and judging them. If this has been happening some intervention is indicated. If they have reached the point of social isolation professional help might be warranted. Stay tuned for more on social isolation as the week progresses. Sherri

MY TEENAGER IS AN INTROVERT

In our culture (I guess as in most) we have introverts and extroverts. Introverts have to think things out in their heads, need time to think quietly about things before they act or speak about it, when their social energy is used up they need to be alone to rejuvenate, may have only one or two friends, and dislike social gathering expect with close friends. Introverts tend to isolate naturally. Extroverts are the reverse; they process decisions by talking, have to be with people to rejuvenate, have many friends, and thrive in social settings. This is not an either or situation. We see this on a continuum; very introverted people at one end and very extroverted at the opposite end. In the middle it might be difficult to tell the difference.

Depending on where your introverted teenager falls on the continuum introversion may be a variable in social isolation. Many times people that are introverted wish it was different. This is most true in adolescence. However, at this time, introverted individuals are more outgoing than most other times in their lives. In the October 17, 2011 blog "Teenagers only think with half their brain….." we discussed physiological changes in the adolescent brain and how this increases the need to socialize with peers. As a result even the introverted are driven for peer involvement. It will be with smaller groups or just with another individual. It will be less frequent that the extroverted teenager but they will still need to be with peers to some degree. On line peer group contact is not the same as face to face even though many will argue that "that is my peer group".

If the social isolation if fairly constant there are likely other issues complicating the situation. Then you could have a component of social anxiety low self-esteem etc. If they complain to you that they have no friends you might help the introverted teen find small, like interest groups that are available in your community. They could join a theater group, an Explorer group or various other activities. An introverted teenager does not necessarily need professional help only if other variables are present. If you suspect you teenager is introverted and you are not do a bit of research to learn more about this. Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SOCIAL ISOLATION

Sometime in the next few days talk to your teen about whether he feels socially connected. If he does feel isolated, talk to him about this and find out when he began to feel this way. Talk with him about ways in which he can feel more connected. Try to him or her problem-solve. If he feels socially connected, be sure to check in with him from time to time to make sure he still feels that way. Dr. Debra

SMOKING POT AND SOCIAL ISOLATION

A number of articles have been published in the last two years about the effects of smoking pot on the adolescent and young adult brain. We now know that teens and young adults who smoke marijuana regularly are at higher risk of developing a severe mental disorder such as schizophrenia. A recent article entitled "smoking pot shrinks the brain" shows how brain size decreases in the young brain with steady useage of marijuana. What else does marijuana do to the brain? Many folks report that they feel calmer, more mellow, less anxious with using marijuana. Marijuana does have a calming effect, but it is not a true antianxiety drug. Marijuana slows reaction time and the speed of processing information and has a sedative-like effect which makes people feel they are calmer. Some teens who are anxious and feel socially isolated will smoke pot with friends to try to feel like they "fit in" with other teens. This is their way of trying to develop a peer group. Anxious teens, especially those teens like Sherri wrote about with social anxiety, are at a greater risk to smoke pot and try other substances like alcohol for these reasons. Talk to your teen about pot and alcohol - there is a lot of misinformation out there that neither alcohol or pot is bad for you. Help your teen understand consequences on their brain and their future by using drugs and alcohol. And if your teen has anxiety, talk to him and try to problem-solve coping skills for him. Professional help may be needed, and if you think that is the case, seek out help. Dr Debra

WHAT IF MY TEEN'S ISOLATION IS DUE TO SOCIAL ANXIETY?

Many teenagers have social anxiety. Anxiety is common in our society. Some say that anxiety occurs in 1 in 4 people. (This does not just refer to social anxiety but all forms of anxiety.) Frequently this individual is unaware that they are experiencing anxiety. There is a tendency to avoid social situations by saying, I didn't want to go, I'm not feeling well, those kids are not fun, and they are just going to do … (fill in the blank) and I don't enjoy that, or many other responses that the teen may give. Social anxiety means basically feeling fearful that one will do something to humiliate self and feel inadequate and embarrassed in the social setting; feeling that others are always watching and judging. This can be a party or date or making a presentation in front of the class. The individual does not always realize that this reaction is anxiety and internalizes it as just how they are. As you talk with your child work hard on your listening to see if there are any incidents of anxiety that might be contributing to the social isolation. Social skills training may help but professional help is likely indicated. The sooner you seek assistance the better and quicker the results. Once lifelong patterns have been formed it is more difficult to change. If your teenager is experiencing anxiety you cannot just  force them to get over this. Sherri

MY TEENAGER DOES NOT HAVE MANY FRIENDS

I have written about social isolation in teenagers before but it deserves a bit more attention. With this generation having so much access to social media we find an increase in social isolation and friends only on the computer. During adolescence we find that even introverted teenagers have more friends and more of a need for peer interaction. When teenagers are not doing things with peers and do not have some type of peer group activity we need to look at the reasons and then solutions. On occasion there is even a teenager that appears to be functioning well because they devote so much time to their school work (and this is certainly a virtue) but it may also be a way to avoid attention for the social isolation. So… why would teenagers isolate? There are a variety of reasons.

• Social Anxiety
• Introversion
• Bullying
• Poor self-worth
• Depression
• Rejection by peers
• Poor social skills

Over the next few times I blog I want to address these issues and what might be done about this. If we remember our job as parents is to help these children grow into well-adjusted happy adults. Stick with me I would be interested in your feedback. Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Sherri has written two blogs about your teen's mental health and identifying if your teen needs help. This weekend and this week think about what you have observed in your teen's behavior. Think about whether there are any areas in his or her life that seem to be causing concerns for him. Talk to your teen to determine if he or she needs any assistance. Dr. Debra

HOW TO KNOW IF YOUR TEENAGER NEEDS MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES

Yesterday I blogged about getting your teenager help when needed. Today I want to address the red flags.

• Whenever you observe a significant change in usual behavior including but not limited to; grades, attitude, mood swings, temperament, social interactions, social isolation etc. you should be watchful to determine if this seems to be a consistent change. You might address this with your child to see if they are aware of it and how they explain it. When my daughter was in middle school she struggled with depression. I began to realize that when she became more sarcastic and her friends called less this was a symptom of increasing depression. As a mental health professional I would not have put that on the list of symptoms of depression but it was.
• When you see or hear about any issue of any type of abuse. This includes self-harm, abusive relationships, sexual abuse or rape etc. We seem to have more information about our kid's goings on due to Facebook and other things. But there are other ways; you might find a razor blade that is not usually there. They may start wearing long sleeves etc. Any kind of abuse should warrant a trip to the mental health professional's office.
• Any threat of suicide should be dealt with seriously and it is not unreasonable to take that child to the local ER. Parents will often ask me if I think they are really serious and my response is that I always take those threats seriously. If it is not serious they will see it gets serious action.
• Any symptom of eating disordered behaviors should be dealt with in a timely fashion. The quicker the intervention the better the long range prognosis. These symptoms include: significant weight loss, change in eating habits, missing meals, picking at foods normally eaten, going into the bathroom for periods of time after eating, talking about being fat, withdrawal or isolation in conjunction with other symptoms, significant increase in exercise, finding things like laxative packages in the trash etc. Just changing eating habits is not stand alone proof of an eating disorder but a cause to be watchful.
• Substance use is an issue in adolescence. Mostly I think too many parents are far too laid back about substance use. There may be more angst about drugs than alcohol but anything beyond experimentation should be addressed.
• Also, defiant behavior; extremely argumentative and hostile warrants some assessment. Sometimes it is an anger management issue but it could also be anxiety. This means you could benefit from a professional helping you decide what is needed.

I don't feel you need to be dragging your kids to therapists' offices all the time but I do feel that help is available and we should take advantage of what is there. I hope none of you even have these issues with your teens but just in case. Sherri

ACCEPTING THAT YOUR TEENAGER NEEDS HELP

It seems to me that at times parents have difficulty deciding that their teenagers may need professional help. We seem to have a value that we did a better job if we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps. I heard someone say one time that if you think about it pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is actually physically impossible. I'm unsure of why we make this so difficult. No one wants to go to therapy or to see a physiatrist but at times it is necessary to make our lives complete. The sooner you decide to go for help the better things will work out. This is so important that tomorrow I will discuss some of the reasons you might consider this options. Sherri

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Every year many Americans make New Year's resolutions. The typical resolutions are usually along the lines of losing weight, exercising, saving money, improving a relationship, etc. And many Americans have good intentions about these resolutions. But the best of intentions can go to the wayside after the new year gets into the swing of being busy. How does your teen view your New Year's resolutions? Do they see you as breaking the same resolutions every year? Does your teen think that New Year's resolutions are something that is not taken seriously? I challenge you to find one New Year's resolution that you think is worth following this year - like taking time to improve your relationship with your teen - and let your teen see you work towards that goal. Dr. Debra