Last night saw David Letterman talking to Dr. Phil about his son, Harry. Harry is eight, defiant and tries to make all his decisions in the family. With our children it is important to establish who has the power. In therapy we often look at who has the power the parents or the child. You do not have to be controlling, raging or dictatorial among other things to have power but children feel safer when they know someone is in charge. Kids do not want the power but when they have it they do not want to give it up. This is not usually because they enjoy having the power but they don't necessarily trust that the parents will maintain the power in a constructive way.
Parents maintain power by determining in advance where they stand on various issues. Parents have to decide if a stand is negotiable or nonnegotiable. If an issue is nonnegotiable, and the child pushes the limit, parents have to maintain their stand. It is perfectly alright to say, "This is nonnegotiable." When kids whine, complain have a temper tantrum etc. they learn they can get the power if they persevere. Kids also get the power when they can drive their parents off the track. Even when a parent does not give in but rages back the parent loses. This is a very important issue. It is about helping our children develop trust in us and ultimately in others. Watch to see where the power balance is in your family. Sherri
A friend of mine wrote about this recently on an email list we are both on:
We learned so much about this idea (humans #1 need is safety, all else is secondary and children USE the adults in their life as beacons. It is how they are programmed to navigate the world) through the awesome people we found when dealing with Raymond’s ASD. ASD kids are often not very good at all at using their parents as “beacons” and thus rely on themselves. It is why they are often extremely controlling. And anxious. We spent years trying to show Raymond that it is US he needs to rely on, not himself.
Posted by: Liz O | 05/08/2012 at 05:30 PM
Children should learn to follow their parents. But there are times that parents are going through a wrong direction so we must also listen to our children. It's a give and take relationship. Parents should know their limitation towards their children and children should know when to reason out or to take in charge of the situation.
Posted by: north shore carers | 05/15/2012 at 05:40 PM
Aw, this was a really nice post. In idea I would like to put in writing like this additionally – taking time and actual effort to make a very good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and by no means seem to get something done.
Posted by: Olli Warelius | 05/27/2012 at 07:00 AM
Thanks for all of your work on this web page. I am looking forward to reading more of your posts in the future.
HTTP://www.CoolMobilePhone.net
Posted by: Toussaint Houle | 07/22/2012 at 05:04 AM