Parenting with All the Pieces

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day weekend now.  This is a time to take a break from work and enjoy our family and friends.  Labor Day is often seen as the end of summer and represents time to start back to school for teens.  This weekend, spend some time talking with your teen about what he enjoyed most about last summer.  Talk with him about how he thinks the next school year will go.  Listening to him can be one of the best ways to understand how he sees his life at this time.  And remember to have fun!

Dr. Debra

MEET THE TEACHER

With the beginning of the school year comes meet the teacher night.  Schools have open houses for parents to come to meet their teen's teachers.  Why should you go to this meeting after working all day long or staying at home with young children all day long?  The teachers are required to be there after their long day at school.  So they may not necessarily be that excited about being at school in the evening either.  But many teachers do want to meet the parents of their children because they see the parents as important people in their students lives and the teachers want to open lines of communication with the parents.  So why should you the parent, attend?  You should be there so that the teachers know that your son or daughter has a parent who has made him/her a priority.  You should be there to open communication with the teachers.  And you should be there to model for your teen respectful behavior towards his teachers.

Our teens often learn from our behaviors better than they do with our words.

Dr. Debra

School and Social Isolation

The school year is very new or just starting for your teen.  Many teens look forward to starting school to see friends they enjoyed being in class with last year.  I have heard some teens state that they feel "a little isolated" during the summer, but that their social life picks back up when school begins.  But what about the teen who struggles with social isolation?

Teens who struggle with making social connections may feel just the opposite:  a sense of comfort being home in their own world during the summer and a sense of anxiety about having to return to school and be around a lot of people.  Some teens are introverted individuals who do well with some friends but who do not want to have a lot of social popularity, and these are not the individuals I am referring to as socially isolated teens.  Socially isolated teens are those teens who may be introverted but who struggle with connecting with other teens and who feel isolated or apart from the teen world.  And teens struggling with this issue often want something to change but cannot see how to make that happen.

Helping your teen with social issues is always a challenge.  But looking at the beginning of school as an opportunity to change "your social life" can be a positive spin on the issue.  Try to help your teen analyze his school's social structure related to clubs and extracurricular activities.  And help him plan a strategy to enter one of those arenas.  He stands to gain some friends and a boost in self-esteem.  Encourage him to have the courage and be around to help him try again if one attempt is not successful.

Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: HOW IS SCHOOL?

Your teen either started school already or is looking to start next week.  Check in with him about what his expectations are about this school year.  Listen for concerns he may have as well as positive thoughts he has.  Help him think positively about the challenges he might face by identifying them and developing a strategy to make the challenges manageable.  Support the thoughts he has about what might be exciting about the school year. Include extra-curricular activities in your discussion such as sports and clubs.  Attitude can make a major difference at the beginning of school to the student and the teachers.

Dr. Debra

How Will I Ever Make it to College?

Teens are starting back to school this week or next.  Many teens express a lot of worries about starting back to school and the worries they have about how they will do in school academically.  I am seeing more and more teens who express worries about whether they can make good enough grades and test scores to go to college. 

What can you tell your teen who is starting back to high school and who also worries about how he will make it to college?  The first thing I would say for any high school student who is not starting his senior year is to focus on his day to day activities at school in order to do his best academically. 

For the students entering 9th through 11th grade.  I would work with my teen to set reasonable reachable goals for him academically.  I would also suggest evaluating his needs in regard to standardized testing - does he need to take a SAT prep course?  Does his school offer SAT preparation?  And look at his extracurricular activities with him.  Help him decide what he is interested in and help him find a way to volunteer in that area.  You might consider volunteering with him!

For the students entering 12th grade, much work has already occurred and college applications are now needing to be completed.  Help your teen organize the deadlines he has for his applications and assist him with this process.  And remind him that there are a number of colleges where he could learn and be  happy.  Make the process as interesting as you can as a way to aid in removing your teen's anxiety.

Dr. Debra

BACK TO SCHOOL TIME

Your teen is about to start back to school soon.  He is either trying to avoid the thought of returning to school or he is starting to make preparations to return to school.  Many teens try to not think about school starting - if your teen is one of these, how do you help him?  Ask your teen to make a list of all the things that need to happen so that he is ready on the first day of school.  Common list items might be "buy school supplies."  So ask him to check to see what his school supply list is or develop one.  Another item might be something along the lines of "get school uniforms out" or "get my clothes that meet dress code ready."  So ask him to do those things.  And if your teen had any summer reading or projects to do - check with him to see what his progress is.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in getting him ready to return to school is give him deadlines for tasks - and help him understand how to break those tasks down so that they are not overwhelming.  If your teen is about to start junior or senior year, hopefully he has mastered the return to school tasks and simply needs for you to check in with him to see that they are completed.

Good luck!

Dr Debra

 

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND INDEPENDENCE

Recently I have seen a few college students that have not been successful in their first year of college and returned home. They seem to feel that they did not know how to take care of themselves. This seems like this might be true for most college freshman but not actually. These young adults could not manage the transition to college and had to leave. As parents we need to help our kids develop these independent skills. They need to adjust to that separation from parents and be able to make decisions for themselves. It is a lot easier to do this now while they are still under your wing than after they have had to leave college. If you are a parent of a teenager that is not separating encourage independent decision making. (even when you are not happy with the decision) Give them chores to do so they can manage their own stuff. They need a checking account. They need to be doing their own laundry. They need to be deciding how to balance everything they have in their life. A parents you are not abandoning them, you are giving them freedom to succeed. Sherri

TRUTH TELLING

Today on my way to work I was listening to the radio and the host was speaking to Dan Ariely the author of The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie To Everyone Especially Ourselves. I have not read his book yet but in the short time I was listening it became obvious that we tend to lie about things more than I would like to think. If we live in a world where lying and cheating exists how do we guide our children into the value of truth telling? Obviously, we need to be role models. We also need to have frank talks with our children about when they tell the truth and what might or might not be considered an expectable lie. How do you explain the "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Our children are like video recorders to our lives and they pick up on all the things we do. Kids tell me all the time what they know about their families that parents think they are hiding from them. Think about this if you would. What values do you want your teenager to ground themselves with concerning truth telling? Sherri

Time for Americans to Unite

The Olympics ended today.  America led the world in number of medals won: last count that I viewed, America had won 104 medals.  As a country we are proud of our athletes and their efforts.  Take a moment and appreciate feeling proud of American efforts.

When we listen to the headlines today, we hear so much about what is wrong with America.  And indeed America has her share of problems.  But America has a rich history of amazing accomplishments by individuals and groups.  And our history can continue in a positive manner - but this depends on US and our attitudes.  We need to teach our teens what it means to be American.  What differentiates our country from others?  What sacrifices have been made to establish America? 

Talk to your teen about America and pride in our country.  And talk about each of our responsibilities as an American to lift our country up in a positive way and do our part to move us forward.

Dr. Debra

 

RUN, HIDE, AND FIGHT: A LESSON FROM A HOUSTON VIDEO

I saw a video that the city of Houston, Texas had recently completed about how to respond in an emergency situation with a gunman.  The video shows a group of people who appear to be office workers talking together and organizing to assault a gunman when he comes through their door.  The information from the video is that it is better to organize and fight the gunman to try to survive.  Like "stop, drop, and roll", the phrase to remember if on fire, this catch phrase in a shooting emergency is "run, hide, and fight."  The thinking is that anyone who is shooting up the place with a gun needs to be avoided and then stopped.

Do you almost want to say "What is our world coming to these days?"  We should remember that this is a frightening topic, but thinking in advance about what to do in a crisis is always helpful for folks when they find themselves in that crisis.  The phrase "run, hide, and fight" might indeed help someone in a difficult situation in the future.

I am hoping that your teen never has to put this slogan into effect.

Dr. Debra 

BUSINESS AS USUAL????

If you did not get to Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about shooting and teenagers please go back and read this very thoughtful blog. Our teenagers today have so many stresses on them. They have shootings to worry about, they have to worry about war, about school bullying, about college and life choices. On top of the usual stresses of being a teenager they have real life issues to occupy their minds. I know this has always been true but it seems the life issues are more severe today and the media attention keeps it in our faces. I think that with so many real life issues in their faces it would be possible to view serious issues or events as "business as usual". We don't want them to normalize tragedy so consider taking Dr. Debra's advice about talking to your teenagers about these things when they occur. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

Gold Medals in Life

The Olympics are exciting to watch.  All of us are probably cheering for the USA as we watch these games.  The discipline and talent of these individuals is truly amazing.  I saw a post by a friend on facebook that she did not think she would ever do anything resembling what these athletes have done.  As much as I admire the Olympians, I cannot help but think that many people every day deserve gold medals for things that many take for granted. 

What and how do we teach our teens about being a gold medalist in life?  I think we as parents have to be clear with ourselves about what we think is really important.  Relationships that are healthy and committed, work that is meaningful by providing for our family and aiding others in some way, and faith are important to us.  Helping our teens understand why these things are important will help them start to improve themselves in such a way that someday they will realize that you can be a gold medal winner in how you live your life.

Dr. Debra