I think that if parents thought about having teenagers instead of having babies the human race would be extinct. No one imagines how infuriating teenagers can become. Many parents get to a place at times where they just want to give that child up. I'm not exactly sure where they think they can do that but the feelings are very strong. I heard of a situation once where the parents wanted to give their 16 year old daughter $200 and a one way bus ticket to Las Vegas. How do we get to this point? This usually happens when the parents feel the child is out of control. Certainly when this is happening it may be warranted to seek some type of mental health services.
Too frequently a power imbalance has developed. And usually parents and the teenagers get into power struggles. A power struggle with a teenager is the kiss of death. I learned a long time ago that they are willing to fight to the death and I'm not. And besides, in truth no one actually wins. So you have to avoid the power struggle. This means as you see it ramping up you say "I will not fight with you about this." Then walk away. Stay away until you find the situation is calmer and you can return to discuss the issue. Walk away as many times as needed to resolve the issue. If the teenager continues to push their position tell them they can write a position paper to you about why their opinion should be the solution. When you get the position paper you can discuss it. In truth they seldom write the paper because they don't "win" from that stance. It takes their power away when you won't engage in the fight. This works in lots of situations.
Parents also reach this place when they feel their teenager is not practicing appropriate behaviors with peers. This can be sexual acting out, drugs and alcohol, ignoring curfew among others. This is still about power. You have to take the power back but you can't do it from a position of aggression. Use the same techniques as above. This will take some time but in the end it will be worth it. I hope you are not at this place but these things keep you ram getting to this place.
Sherri
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