Parenting with All the Pieces

MORE THOUGHTS ON TEENAGERS AND DECISION MAKING

I decided it would be prudent to talk about decision making just a bit more. As parents we have difficulty turning decision making over to our children because we want to protect them and we worry they will get hurt. As a result we tend to tell them what to do and not wait and listen to what they decide. At times teenagers will not make a decision because they know we will just step in anyway.

So as parents what things do you say. Here are a few lines to use:

• I trust that you will be able to figure this out.
• What do you think you should do here?
• Let me know what you decide and if you need help let me know.

When a decision has been made and has gone well here are some responses to use.

• You did a great job figuring this out
• You must feel proud of yourself.
• I knew you could do this.

When a decision has been made and it did not go so well here are a few responses:

• How do you feel about how this worked out?
• Would you have done anything differently?
• What is your next step?

Try not to forget that when we give them the space to make their own decisions we are preparing them to enter the adult world. They won't be perfect but neither are we.

Sherri

DECISION MAKING

As I do this work I become more and more convinced that we need to give our children more rope to make their own decisions. I raised a VERY strong will daughter. Everything was a power struggle with her. On a cold winter morning I was known to say to my daughters it is going to be cold today you should wear a coat. To which she would respond I don't have to wear a coat if I don't want to. I knew not to get into a power struggle with her but I must confess that was difficult to not argue with her about a coat. One day I simply said "Okay." That night a dinner she said "How can I decide for myself whether I need a coat or not." We discussed ways to know if it would be cold all day. From then on it was never an issue. She made her own decision. It seems that since it had stayed cold all day she had not been able to go outside for recess. I love it when natural consequences come into play.

Start with the small issues when they are young. If there is a foundation of making decisions they will be better equipped to make those big decisions that occur in adolescence. I am convinced that we make too many decisions for our teens. Experiment with trying this soon. When it is a decision that did not turn out well, process with them the outcome. Please resist the urge to say I told you so….. You want them to develop into good decision makers. This is not about you being right. Sherri

HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE!

We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving.  Teens are back to school and parents are back to work this week.  Most teens will be in school for four more weeks, then will be out of school for the Christmas break.  During this time, teens and families have some difficulty staying focused on "business as usual" which means schoolwork/homework/exams for your teen and work for we parents.

How do you balance the holiday season celebrations and responsibilities?  Not only do we as parents need to do this, we need to teach our teens how to balance these areas in our lives.  Some practical suggestions for teens:  map out what school assignments and exams are due before the end of the year and develop a timeline for how much work you will do on each one daily.  And then write out the holiday events you would most like to enjoy by Christmas.  This may include some holiday shopping, going to a museum, or seeing light exhibits.

Talk to your teen about rewarding himself each week for meeting deadlines.  Have him allow himself to do something he wishes to do each weekend if he has been successful in keeping his deadlines.  This is a good way to teach him to balance his time between work and pleasure.

And be sure to enjoy the holiday season!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This is Thanksgiving weekend - a time for family, relaxation, fun, shopping,.... and giving thanks.  Sometime this weekend spend a minute thinking about the traits your teen has that you are glad he possesses.  Find the right time to let him know that you have noticed these traits and are thankful for him. 

Dr. Debra

 

After Thanksgiving: Black Friday

Today is Thanksgiving.  I hope that all of you had a pleasant day with your family and enjoyed relaxation, fellowship, and good food. Our American holiday of giving thanks is an important tradition. 

Tomorrow is Black Friday - a more modern American tradition.  This day marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.  I often find irony in the fact that we spend one day giving thanks and interacting peacefully to then shift into a mad race to find the best merchandise in holiday sales!  Nevertheless, our retailers find this day important for their businesses and many folks are able to find gifts and items at better prices than they can at other times of the year.

So what does this mean for your teen?  Black Friday could be a time to help your teen learn to shop effectively and get the biggest bang for his buck.  And while you are doing that, be sure to help him s treat people in a positive manner such as being courteous in long lines! 

Dr. Debra

FACE TIME WITH YOUR TEENS

I was talking to a mother today and thought about today's teenagers; a common diversion for me these days. I worry that our teens are not developing self-reliance and a sense of direction about the outward world. I began to realize that we are actually spending more time with our children but it really amounts to less time. We take them to all their activities which is important for them to have the "right" data on their college applications. More and more meals are eaten in the car driving from one activity to another. We hover over them to make sure they are doing their homework whether they need us to do that or not.

The problem is that we are not necessarily having face time with our kids. Dr. Debra talks about a mother and daughter that were in her office seeing her and were texting each other during the entire appointment. Texting in not face time; even when you are sitting next to each other. Our children even teens need us to give of our time. We need to talk, play together and teach about life. Since we are seeing so many issues with teens in general today we need to spend this more focused time interacting with our kids.

The way I see this is that it is a win – win. Have a great Thanksgiving. Sherri

THANKSGIVING AND TEENS

As we approach Thanksgiving we have our own memories and traditions that we hold on to. We have expected family time, usually with extended family. That is something that goes very well in some families and goes very badly in others. For our children this can also be true. As I talk with teenagers in my office they tell me all kinds of things about their family Thanksgivings. For some they are looking forward to connecting to extended family. For others they are dreading the drama that is usually created. Help you teens talk about the holiday and find ways to enjoy it. Sherri

FINANCIAL CLIFF AND YOUR TEEN

Everyone is talking about the impending financial cliff which will occur in January if no compromise solution is reached between te House of Representatives and the President regarding budgetary issues.

Your teen no doubt has heard something about this.  But even more importantly, he may have noticed your anxiety about this.  How can you help him cope wih the impending problem?

First, take some seeing if he understads what the financial cliff is.  Then help him understand what is occurring if he is not aware of the situation.  Then take some time explaining to him about budgets annd financial management.  Do not appear anxious yourself - he will struggle with hearing you discuss the difficulties if he sees you as worried.

And finally take some time to discuss money managment with him.  Talk with him about how one does that and if he can see himself managing money better.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

PHARM PARTIES

This morning I heard on the news that teenagers are having a resurgence of what is called Pharm Parties. For a Pharm Party the teens get pills out of their parents' medicine cabinet and take them to parties. They throw the pills into a big bowl and they pass the bowl and take a handful of pills. They don't necessarily know what they are taking. The concerns are obvious. They could be taking things that cannot be taken together and they could be overdosing.

If you are a parent of a teen that gets together often will friends or parties you need to keep an eye on your teen and monitor your medicine cabinet. It could be wise to lock up the meds where they are not accessible to anyone else. This is very dangerous. Don't panic, just be smart.

Sherri

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER MAKES YOU ANGRY

I think I will take a break from blogging about panic attacks today to talk about teens making us angry. Raising teenagers is not for the feign of heart. If anyone ever told you that raising teenagers would really be your favorite time of life they were lying. Teenagers are tough. They have their own issues of surviving the changes of adolescence, they are trying to grow up and leave, and they are attempting to develop an individual identity. All of these things pull together to make them at times your waking nightmare.

It makes me think about suiting up for battle. Not that a fight should ensue but that you must be ready for what is thrown at you. Teenagers will often push away from you and also they will push back. Things that worked once do not work so well now. As the parent it is important to not personalize what they say and do. You can require you be treated in a respectful manner but the pushing will still occur. The better you handle that the more you will all survive adolescence. I tell parents all the time. You need to be firm but keep your cool. When you just get angry you give your power away. I know some days it seems impossible but when you can do this you will have more success in the end. Sherri

SYMPTOMS OF TEENAGER’S PANIC ATTACKS

Teenagers' symptoms of panic attacks are fairly similar to those of adults. They do not always have the words to describe what is happening. They may experience a raid heart rate, have difficulty breathing feel as if they are choking, they may feel dizzy, and they may feel faint, sweaty or experience nausea among other things. These symptoms do not usually all occur at the same time. They usually come out of nowhere; without a trigger. However, sometimes there is a trigger. When a panic attack occurs your child may be afraid they are going to die or that they are going crazy. They may feel detached from their body. It seems to me that it is sort of like the fight or flight response got triggered without an actual trigger. This is truly very scary for both you and your child. They symptoms do not usually last very long and the teenager may be tired after it is over. Certainly you can take them to the ER to be evaluated when this happens. If this is an isolated event and it does not occur again you may not need to do anything. If panic attacks reoccur you need to seek profession help. I will continue to write about this is you have questions please ask them. Sherri

PANIC ATTACKS AND TEENS

This blog is in response to a comment by a reader about panic attacks indicating there is not enough attention given to the terrible incidents of panic attacks. We will write a bit about panic attacks in teenagers. This is an important subject because when a child or teenager has had one or some panic attacks they may start to avoid the situations that they think may have triggered a panic attack. Often since the symptoms are so scary they may be afraid that they are going crazy and they may be afraid to even tell an adult what has happened. Even when they do tell what has happened. It may increase isolation out of fear that this could occur again. Frequently an individual that has experienced a panic attack will assume it was caused by whatever event was happening at the time the attack occurred. Frequently this is not the case. When you find out this is happening with your teenager you do not need to panic. Simply ask them to tell you what occurred. Remaining calm will help. We will be addressing issues of how to deal with panic attacks in the next few blogs. Sherri

ELECTION DAY AND YOUR TEEN

November 6 is less than an hour away - and election day will be here!  This campaign has been intense and polls indicate that the election will be close.  Many people have strong feelings about this election.

Your teen no doubt has heard you and others discuss thoughts about the election.  Some teens will automatically take their parents' position while others will take the opposite position as a way to differentiate themselves from their parents.  Whichever position your teen takes, this election provides an important opportunity for you to dialogue with your teen.

Talk with your teen about why we have elections and what this process means historically in our country.  And talk to your teen about how even though we Americans have our differences, we unite as Americans when necessary.  Let your teen know that having differing opinions is what makes our country different from many other societies, and that our diversity has made us great.

Enjoy your conversation with your teen - and listen to what he has to say.  You might be surprised to hear that he has been more thoughtful about this process than you could have imagined.

Dr. Debra