Parenting with All the Pieces

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

Wow it's December 18, 2012 and we are almost to Christmas. It seems that things are so busy that we don't take time to enjoy our families. I hear families tell me that they have so many things to go to for themselves and performances for their children that they feel overwhelmed. Thanksgiving seems to be extended family time. Christmas, traditionally for most Americans is about nuclear family. With our busy lives this is a time to reconnect with our kids. Whatever your plans for the holiday, delineate some time for playing family games, going to do something together, cooking together, and just spending time without other interferences. Enjoy your children and have fun. Sherri

ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING

I heard President Obama say we need to put our political issues behind us and figure out how to solve this problem. I really hope this is something we can try to do. So far we have been unable to do this on any other issue. Today on the View I heard a guest say this is not about gun control. We need armed guards in the schools and hospitalize the mentally ill for longer periods. I understand that a school district in Texas is now going to allow teachers to carry concealed hand guns to school. I find that disturbing on so many fronts. We do not need a shoot from the hip approach.

I do not claim to be smart enough to know how to solve this problem. I do know that to solve a really difficult problem we need to gather a group that can put their own issues aside and address all the ramifications of these shootings. We now have a lot of information about school shootings. What are the aspects of mental illness and how could that have been addressed better or could it have been. How does school bullying play into this. Do you know that when a child is bullied in school if anything is done and usually it is not it is the child who is bullied that is sent to therapy? I want that child sent to therapy but why is it that the bully is not sent to therapy? What role does the news media play in these shootings? How do guns play into this?

Before this becomes a distant memory encourage your leaders to encourage a comprehensive approach to this issue. Support the conditions that offer changes that include a method to evaluate how well this is working. I would love to see this country pull together on something and this would be a great place to start. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING? HOW DO WE TALK TO OUR TEENS?

All of us have been deeply horrified and saddened by the shooting in Connecticut.  Some information about the shooter has been published by the media and he is portrayed as a teen who was isolated and different from his peers.  The information about the victims is staggering - beautiful kindergarten children and the brave teachers, principal, psychologist who died trying to protect them.  Every murder is horrific and brings sadness to us all.  But how do we deal with a young teen who kills - and who by reports appeared to have problems of his own - and his victims deaths?

As parents we cannot help but relate to the parents who have lost their children.  I have been thinking about life as the mother of a kindergarten child, and I remember how my own emotions were daily stirred by her.  Losing a child at this age to a senseless murder would be a pain I cannot even imagine.  And many teens have expressed sadness as they relate the deaths of these children as to how they might feel if they lost their younger siblings. 

One other theme I am hearing from teens is "how do I know that somebody I go to school with won't be like the guy who killed these kids?"  This is a good question to be raised, and one that adults and school authorities should be thinking about more these days.  Going back, we can see signs that the killer had some difficulties as a teen.  Could an intervention have occurred with him that could have changed the outcome of December 14 in Connecticut? 

So how do you talk to your teens about this tragedy? 

1.)  Encourage them to talk and use the following questions to encourage conversation.

2.)  How did you hear about this?

3.)  What was your reaction?

4.)  Did hearing about this make you feel worried or afraid?

5.)  Talk with your teen about he might react if he is in a situation where gunfire begins.  The people who survive are those who run and hide.  Many times people freeze in this situation - discussing with your teen in advance will probably help him not be one of those people who freeze.

6.)  Reassure your teen but also let him know you are always there to talk about any issues that may occur.

I am so deeply saddened by the loss of these children and their teachers.  And I am so deeply saddened that we live in a world where we have to educate our children about what to do in the event of a crisis such as this one.  But I know that we have to do our best as parents to mentally prepare our teens to be alert and aware and ready to take action in a crisis.

Dr. Debra

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Christmas is two weeks from today.  Your teen is wrapping up final exams and projects and looking forward to probably having time with his friends.  You probably have heard him talk about the fun things he is looking forward to doing when he is out on break.

Do you have any family traditions you usually do at Christmas?  Many families have activities they do each year like decorating the tree, viewing favorite movies, attending special church services.  Sometimes families just take these traditions for granted and do not realize that individual family members might find these important. 

Ask your teen what things the families does at Christmas time that he looks forward to doing.  Ask him what he would like to do as a family.  If you feel you do not have a Christmas tradition, the time is now to develop one!

Dr. Debra

 

ADOLESENCE AFFLICTED WITH ADOLESENCE

If we thought about having teenagers when we get pregnant the human race would be on the endangered species list. At their worse teenagers can be cruel and demeaning to their parents. This is a part of them pushing you away so they can assert their independence. As parents this happens at the time we are getting used to the fact that our days with them are numbered. It is difficult to not get your feeling hurt with all of this.

Don't go crazy. It really won't help. Stay calm, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. This will pass and most of what they are yelling at you is not how they feel. The take care of yourself is really important here. Talk to others. Get your rest and exercise. Please don't get into the power struggle. This is a very difficult time and you will need to summon all your resources.

Good luck. Sherri

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TEXTS

This morning on NPR I heard a story about a new app that will eliminate a text in seconds or up to 6 days. I had mixed feelings about this. On one hand this eliminates those texts that could impact your future if the wrong person gets to read it. However, on the other hand it gives those that will cyber bully or sext free reign to do what the please with no threat of recrimination. Because of this I am wary about this app. Many parents of young teens check their text messages regularly and discover inappropriate texts which they then deal with. This seems to me to present a problem. Currently this is a free app so any teen could download it. I would be interested in what you think. Sherri

DEFINING FAILURE

I heard an educator say once that if you're getting all A's the work is likely not difficult enough for you. In the course of learning something new there is a process. We do not reach this being part of our knowledge base until we have worked for it. It does not matter if we are talking about Physics, Home Ec or riding a bike. We are not supposed to be instant learners. It is only through "failure" that we grow. Especially when we are in school or "trying out" for something we think if we don't get an A or we did not get the part or whatever we failed.

We only fail when we fail to try or fail to do our work. Yes these other things feel like failures. In addition to telling our kids about times thing did not work out for us we need to tell them about times we tried but just didn't come out on top. The only real failure if not trying.

Sherri

FAILURE AND YOUR TEEN

Failure is one of a teen's greatest fears.  Teens think about failing at school, failing in relationships, failing in sports and extracurricular activities, and failing at life.  For a teen, not being successful at school and with friends means that he is a loser.  And this is his worst nightmare.

Who among us has not experienced failure?  I don't know one person who has managed to succeed at everything he has undertaken.  Not succeeding at a task can actually be a positive growth experience, although all of us hate to hear that phrase at the time.  Think about some event in your own life that did not work in the way you had wished.  Then think about what you learned from that experience.  As a parent, helping your teen learn that experiences that do not go the way you want can still be experiences that have value. 

Discuss your own experiences with your teen.  He may be more open to talking about his fear of failure once he realizes that everyone struggles with this at some point or the other.  But also remember that many times your teen just needs you to listen and reassure him.

Dr. Debra