Parenting with All the Pieces

TRUST AND YOUR TEENAGER

Since I work with teenagers and their families we are frequently looking at issues related to trust. Parents need to be able to trust their teenagers and this is likely an ongoing process. It is also not a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. As the parents we need to not get to the place where we say "I will never trust you again" or the often used "I cannot trust you until you are 30". When there is a violation of trust we need to put in place a "plan" to rebuild that trust. That means you may have to be watching and checking up on until the trust seems to be rebuilt. Also, know that as your teenager develops there will be another occasion to rebuild the trust again. As we are building, loosing and rebuilding this trust they are building trust with us. They need to trust us to be the adults. They need to know we are there to guide them in the process of becoming adults. They need to trust we will not overreact. Yeah, really try to not overreact. Believe me the job is not done when they turn 13 – 16 – 18; you pick the age. Sherri

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

What do I mean?  Respect for others means listening politely when they express ideas with which you do not agree.  Respect describes a code of conduct where you value other people's right to think differently, to worship differently, and to live differently from the way in which you conduct yourself.  And respect is a reciprocal interaction, not a one-way street.   In our society today, which is so polarized, we hear that not following the party line means that we don't matter.  So how in the world do we teach our teens respect?

We teach our teens respect by pointing out to them that the adult members of our population, as exhibited frequently in our media, are woefully lacking in this virtue.  We teach them that even though our elected officials behave in a disrespectful manner to many members of our society, that this does not make their behavior the right behavior.  We model respect for them by the way in which we talk about others  - even those with whom we disagree.  We show respect in the highest form by listening, but not compromising our core values of integrity, respect, family values, and work.

By behaving in this manner and having open discussions with our teens, we will possibly earn their respect as well.

Dr. Debra

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER DISAPPOINTS YOU

It is not uncommon to hear parents talk to me about feeling disappointed about something their teenager has done. This can be about grades, a decision they have made or many other things. Sometimes the "thing" is really big and sometimes it just feels really big. Either way it is something that needs to be discussed. We often have to remind ourselves about adolescence. Teenagers don't usually do something just to disappoint parents. However, it may feel like that at times. The decision making process is just not finished yet and they make decisions that are not thought out well. They can be very impulsive and act without really thinking. Now, there are times when they are not setting out to disappoint us but they are rebelling and they often direct that at whatever they think might "get" to us. They don't really think that out so well but that is still the agenda. In those instances our best defense is to not over react. The calmer we are the more they lose the power of their action.

Whatever the agenda we need to say calm and discuss the incident with them. When they are not ready to talk take a break and then try again.

Good Luck Sherri

TRUST BETWEEN TEENS AND PARENTS

I see a number of teenagers and their families. I think trust becomes a very big issue. Of course there is the usual of being able to trust your kid. But trust is bigger than that. I think the relationship that needs to be developed is one where each can trust the other's reactions. Teenagers need to know that their parents will not "go ballistic" when they mess up. They need to understand that their parents have their back. Not, no matter what, but that when they are wronged they are there for them without taking over and when they are wrong that they will hold their feet to the fire without demeaning them. They need to know that parents will listen and try to understand. They need to know that their opinion matters even when parents disagree. However, families are not a democracy. Parents are in charge. Parents need to trust that their teenagers will talk to them even if it is not always as soon as they need to. But if something bad happens they will talk to them even if it means they might get" in trouble". I have seen so many teenagers, especially girls where something bad has happened like rape or sexual abuse and they don't tell their parents.

If you don't have this trust at this time it is not too late to begin. Start listening. Remember to not overreact, even if you have to leave the room to calm down. Teenagers are not yet adults and they do not have all the skills in problem solving and responding that they will acquire in a few years. It would take long to begin to see changes.

Sherri

ANGER AND CRITICAL THINKING

Anger and critical thinking - how can those possibly coexist?  You cannot have good critical thinking and problem-solving skills when you are angry.  And this is the very reason you must work with your teen to help him or her with learning to manage his anger. 

Being emotionally overwhelmed whether one is anger or anxious stops the ability to think through a problem and find a solution.  So how do you help your teen with this?  The first thing to do is to model for your teen how you handle being angry.  If your teen sees you handle anger in a positive way, he will often model this behavior.  Unfortunately, he will model negative ways to handle anger if that is what you teach him by your behavior.

Discuss with your teen the concept of taking a "personal time out."  This means learning how to take ten minutes or longer if needed to separate oneself from the issue or person which is contributing to the feelings of anger.  Having a discussion about your teen going to a separate room for a personal time out can be very beneficial.  Then discuss with your teen how to think through the issues ONCE HE IS CALM.  Learning to not make decisions when angry is a big step in critical thinking.

So teaching your teen an immediate way to lower anger and then teaching him how to think through his problem and give this time before making a decision helps build his critical thinking skills.

Dr. Debra

ANGRY TEENAGERS IN ANGRY HOMES

Sometimes I am inclined to post about thoughts that get triggered by events in my office. This week I have seen more than one family presenting with a teenager who has anger management issues at home. This can be a significant issues in families but it is more complicated in cases like these where one parent (or in some cases both parents) also have an anger management issues at home. I feel I have no credibility with a teenager when I discuss managing their feeling of anger better when there is a parent that does not. When you go to work most people understand there is a certain level of behavior that is required and beyond that is unacceptable. I believe we need to develop the same standards for home life.

Anger is a normal feeling; we all get feelings of anger. We just don't get to do whatever we want because we are angry. We are the role models for most of our children's behaviors as they grow into adulthood. If we want our children to handle these emotions better we must also demonstrate better handling of emotions. It is alright to talk about this in the family. You can make decisions about ways to handle this that can change these patterns.

If this is your issue, good luck it can be done. Sherri

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IN 2013

I must confess I have taken a little unscheduled break from blogging. I guess I just got into the hubbub of the holidays and neglected this blog. I am back to the real world now. So how did your adolescents survive the holidays? We recently took down the holiday decoration in my house. I always have mixed feeling; hating to see them gone and being grateful that life gets back to normal. I think that is true for all of us just in our lives and finding the end to the holidays. Our kids are getting back to school and life is returning to normal. Is this a smooth transition in your family or are there bumps in the road. For the tens that look forward to a return to school this should be smooth. For others it is not always the case. If this is a bumpy ride try to have conversations with your teen. As always please don't do all the talking. Listen more that you talk. Find out what the stressors about returning to school might be and see if they want any help getting over the hump. Have a great 2013. Sherri