Parenting with All the Pieces

PICKING COLLEGES

I find many families are in the throes of looking at colleges. Either their teen is a high school junior or a senior or they are choosing from the places where they have been accepted. Either way; this is a big decision to be made by the teenagers. Sort of scary isn't it. Too often I talk with college students that didn't make it at their first college. At times the choice of college was what the parents wanted. This is what I think parents need to tell their kids about college choices:

1. This is the amount of money we have available to help with college. Or this is what we will pay for. Parents are not obligated to put themselves into debt to pay for college. If your teen understands this up front they can make a more informed decision about the schools they choose to investigate.
2. Parents can help the teen investigate the kinds of information they need to make an informed choice. But this is if the teen wants the help.
3. When a teen selects a college 1500 miles from home parents can support that decision but make sure they understand the ramifications of visiting from that distance.
4. When we feel a teen is making a decision based on factors like that is where my boyfriend is going parents should express their concerns if they have them.

As they narrow down the choices it is nice when they will discuss with you their thought about particular schools. If your teen is incredibly shy and tends to isolate you may want to discuss their expectations about building a social network in the schools they are looking at. This holds true for anything that might be a deal breaker for your teen and a particular school.

They may not know what they want to major in and that is perfectly alright. They will grow and have new experiences in college that will help direct those decisions. But if they are fairly set on engineering for example and hate writing and literature you could discuss the pros and cons of a liberal arts program vs. a more technical school. These discussions are just to help them think through their own decision.

This is a very exciting and scary time for them and an exciting and "griefish" time for us. This is the time parents need to serve as the consultant and not the decision maker. Good luck and I hope it goes well. Sherri

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE YOUNGER GENERATION?

Today I listened to most of or all of a NPR show on the Millennia generation. I have looked at this before but was impressed about the new take on the issues prevalent with this generation. I have tended to see the theory that this is a very narcissistic generation and the future looked very bleak. This report talked about the trauma they have experienced in their life time with 9-11 and Columbine. They have known 2 wars and an economic collapse. We may need a new template to look at how they see the future and their part in it. It is not uncommon for me to hear a young adult tell me I was promised a job if I went to college and did well. I tell them this was not really a promise. I have been thinking about this and I think I thought that when I graduated from college. I was a sociology and anthropology major and thought I was "promised a job". I did get a job just not the one I had hoped for whatever that was. I believe I thought that also. Today there are no promises but we still tell kids go to college so you can get a good job but then we can't deliver. So this generation may need more guidance and understanding and maybe we need to be more open to the template that is their life. Just thoughts. Sherri

Dads as Role Models for Teens

Like it or not, our teens are watching our behaviors.  Boys look to their fathers to teach them how to behave in many areas of their lives.  Girls look to their fathers to learn what are positive attributes in a man.  And both boys and girls look at their parent's interactions to learn about relationships.  So how do we become positive role models for our teens?  I say "Let them catch us being good."

We should think about our interactions and words being viewed, and we should behave in a way that we want our teens to behave.  We should interact in a respectful way with our family members, listen and think before responding, and model good health habits.  Our teens should see us exercising, eating in a healthy manner, balancing work with relaxation.  This is one of the most important things we can do - model good healthy behavior and interactions.

Dr. Debra

WHEN PARENTS ARE STRUGGLING

There are times in our life when things are going poorly. This could be a financial issue, work related, marital stress, a health issue, or a host of many other things. In our role of parenting this requires special handling. Usually, our children do not need to know the details of our struggle. They may see us crying, or hear parents fighting. It is reasonable to let them know that even moms and dads have difficult days at times. You might relate it to a struggle they have had with a peer or sibling. You should reassure them that they are safe and you have the tools to work it out. If this is a very difficult and long term issue they could benefit from professional counseling. All of this being said; kids are usually resilient and when they see us overcome a difficulty they learn that handling something and moving on is possible for them in their lives too. I wish for you pleasant times but this is for those difficult times that invariably come. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND SELF-WORTH

I see many teens in my practice. I find that usually I have to spend part of my time with each one boosting their self-worth. Even though they may appear to be arrogant or self-absorbed; they are frequently not as confident under the surface. I find one simple solution is to provide them with lots and lots of positives. Positive comments need to be authentic and specific. We probably need to be doing this with everyone in our lives we find important to us but especially with our children. There are other things that make a difference. Pay attention to the activities that they do well. Not because you want them to be successful in that activity but they excel and they seem to love it. Give them support and encouragement in those activities. It is important for you to be a good role model. Make sure you don't practice negative self-talk. Don't put yourself down. Encourage positive relationships and their involvement in those relationships. Just make sure you are not trying to put your agenda on your teen. You may have a teen with good self-worth but if not try a few things to help this. Sherri

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

When a marriage cannot be repaired there are times when divorce in imminent. Whether we are looking at small children or teenagers divorce is stressful for the kids. First of all, kids of whatever age need to know what will happen to them. Where will I live, when will I see each parent. What about holidays and my birthday. How will I get money for college? This is not selfish on the part of the children but simply practical. Children do not need to know that reason for the divorce. Parents should never, never use kids as a sounding board. Children will handle divorce as well as parents do. This means that if parents fight a great deal during this process it will be upsetting to the kids. They need to be able to see both parents just about us much as they want. Certainly it goes without saying that this does not apply when the divorce is a result of any type of abuse of the child. When adults take actions to have a child whether planned or not there is a responsibility to be the guides for that child. This does not change when there is a divorce. If you are struggling in your marriage I hope it can be worked out but if not remember the responsibility you have to your children. Sherri