Parenting with All the Pieces

TRUTH TELLING

Today on my way to work I was listening to the radio and the host was speaking to Dan Ariely the author of The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie To Everyone Especially Ourselves. I have not read his book yet but in the short time I was listening it became obvious that we tend to lie about things more than I would like to think. If we live in a world where lying and cheating exists how do we guide our children into the value of truth telling? Obviously, we need to be role models. We also need to have frank talks with our children about when they tell the truth and what might or might not be considered an expectable lie. How do you explain the "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Our children are like video recorders to our lives and they pick up on all the things we do. Kids tell me all the time what they know about their families that parents think they are hiding from them. Think about this if you would. What values do you want your teenager to ground themselves with concerning truth telling? Sherri

HAMSTERS ON A WHEEL: THE BUSYNESS OF SPRING

One of my patients told me that she felt like a hamster on a wheel as she tried to get everything accomplished by the end of the semester. This teenager tends to make good grades and is involved in a number of extracurricular activities. I find that many students and their parents feel this way as the spring semester is coming to a close. So how does your teen handle this stress? Some teens just feel overwhelmed and appear to be paralyzed in their ability to respond. Other teens tend to start acting out when they are overwhelmed – maybe not completing assignments or using alcohol and/or drugs. This very busy time provides an opportunity to help your teen by helping hi plan his day and weeks and set goals for completion of assignments. By helping your teen develop structure, you are counterbalancing the stress he is experiencing. Good luck. Dr. Debra

THE HUNGER GAMES

Tomorrow night is the midnight premiere of "The Hunger Games", a movie about teenagers who must fight to the death in an arena. Many teens have read the book series. Many teens will watch the movie. Do you know much about this new series? Many themes in the books are about loyalty to family, selflessness, and survival. These books will hopefully make your teen think about the things he/she has to be thankful for in his life. But I do think it would be important for teens to discuss the frightening parts of the book/movie such as how the government controlled whether a person lived or died. The themes of rebellion should be discussed as well. I strongly encourage you to either watch the movie or read the book if your teen has an interest in this. I think a lot can be discussed in a positive way with your teen and some very important topics are illustrated in this material. Dr. Debra

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

DECISION MAKING: WALKING THE TIGHTROPE OVER TURBULENT WATERS

When our children are young there are not very many decisions they can make.  We have to decide most things for them.  As they get older they need to be able to make more and more decisions on their own.  As a parent this is often a difficult transition to watch.  We want them to make the "right" decisions.  Sometimes they make decisions that have negative consequences for them.  Sometimes we have an image of who they are and when they make decisions that don't fit our image we are miffed.  Certainly, due to brain development, hormones and other factors they simply make "poor" decisions.  Since rebellion is part of adolescence sometimes they are just trying to get a rise out of us and assert their independence.  

In my office, I see sort of a continuum of parental functioning regarding decision making.  At one end we have parents that either turned too much decision making over to the child or did not make this a gradual transition.  At the other end we have parents that still make most of the decisions for the teen.  Somewhere in the middle is a healthier balance.  I am always concerned when I see a high school senior that still is not making most decisions.  Please don't misunderstand me.  Parents are still in control but I worry about those kids headed for college still not making most of their decision.  I always ask adolescents what decisions they are allowed to make themselves.  They are usually surprised but some do make many decisions and other really have to idea how to answer this question.  

Parents always want their children to be happy and not have to suffer or be sad.   I think this contributes to why we avoid the process to help them become good decision makers.  I like to think about this as being able to trust them to make decisions, knowing that they will make some bad decisions.  I would prefer they make those bad decisions while the stakes are lower and while I have the ability to hold the safety net during this process.  

If you are new to turning this over to them think about starting with the smaller decisions and allow them to experiment with decisions with a lower cost.  Also, know that some decisions that seem crucial to us may not be so big in the scope of the world.  Don't try to intervene even if they ask.  Tell them you trust them to decide this.  If it falls off the track process with them about how they feel this worked out.  Problem solve with them options in the future or how to alter the decision, if possible now.  As they become adults the decisions get so big that you want to trust they have this skill

Good luck and try this on a small scale today.  Sherri