Parenting with All the Pieces

Teens and Electronics

Teens are very skilled at using technology and electronics.  I have heard a number of them say that being able to use technology is essential for success at school and work.  And I believe that they are right.  Technology provides many positives; as parents, we also have to be aware of the negatives.

Positive aspects of technology include the ability to research information quickly, which helps with learning and school assignments.  Communication using texting occurs with many teens - the upside of this is that they can develop relationships with peers and also can update parents about daily schedule changes. 

So what are the negative aspects of technology?  Teens can stumble upon data that is not appropriate for them to see, such as pornography.  They can also communicate with people who are trying to prey upon teens.  Sexting activity can occur - in which a teen is coerced to take a photo of his or her genitals and text the picture to someone.  Some teens have discovered that their photos then wind up on the internet.  

How do parents help their teen make wise choices about the internet and electronics?  Discuss with your teen the risks involved and talk with them about how to make wise choices with electronic useage.  Many teens do not seem to realize that anything they text or post can easily become a public record which may haunt them for years. 

As parents we have to teach our teens how to best use information - and share information.  Model this by talking with them about this very important topic.

Dr. Debra

 

Prepare for Summer

School will be out soon.  How do we help our teens prepare for summer?  First  - help your teen "wrap up" the final details of school.  Final exams, projects, etc. should all be given full attention.  Next discuss with your teen if he has any goals for the summer - what he would like to be able to say he has done before going back to school. 

And help hi think of activities that would help him learn and would also benefit others.  Volunteering for agencies is an excellent way for teens to develop more skills while being worthwhile contributors to others.  And working at a job can be very helpful also. 

Factor in some fun too!  Summer should be a time for fun also.

Dr Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

via parentingwithallthepieces.typepad.com

Criticism and Bullying

How does bullying start?  Sherri wrote in her last blog that bullying is present in our society in many places.  She gives examples where adults are bullying other adults as well as children.  And her observations certainly make a lot of sense.  People learn bullying by example.

What often comes before bullying besides the example set?  I think criticism is the precursor of bullying.  Adults - and teens - will criticism someone harshly and then wait to see how they respond.  People who are intimidated by harsh criticism can become a target for bullying.  And once the bullying has occurred, the victim may be so demoralized that he does not ask for help.

Teaching our teen about criticism - what is healthy criticism and what is not - is important.  And remember, our teens usually learn best by watching us.

Dr. Debra

 

 

A BULLYING SOCIETY

We live in a bullying society.  Not absolutely everyone or everything but we all experience this in our daily lives either directly or indirectly.  Do you ever watch David Letterman or his spin offs.  There is bullying.  Parents bully their children.  Principals bully their teachers.  Coaches, enough said.  Certainly politicians.  Talk show hosts. Bosses.   The list is long.  I am very concerned about the bullying of children but I have come to believe that until or unless we address how we, as a society, treat our fellow humans we cannot stop school children from their bullying.

 Look around on a daily basis.  Where do you see or experience bullying?  We normalize this lost of the time because it is so common place.  I would appreciate hearing from you.  Where are you seeing examples of bullying? 

SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO BE OUT FOR SUMMER

We have talked about this before - but school is about to be out once again for summertime!  Are you ready?  Are your teens ready?

How do you get prepared for the end of school?  Help your teen organize himself for final exams and the completion of final projects.  As we know, mentally checking out of school before school is actually over can have painful consequences academically.

Another important project at this time is to review any plans you have made about summer schedules, work, camp, and other expectations such as community service for summer.

Be certain to celebrate with your teen the end of school by spending some time talking about the end of the year - what was good about the year and what he feels he accomplished this year.

And have some fun this summer!

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

SPRING AND CHANGE IS COMING

We are ending the first weekend in March.  Even in areas of the country where the weather is cold, people have started thinking about spring.  Teens are especially excited because spring means that summer is just around the corner.

Spring signifies growth and change.  All of us are looking forward to warmer weather after winter.  Many of us welcome the change of spring.  Your teen has pressures at this time of year, however.

What are some of the challenges of spring for teens?  The last nine weeks of school are characterized by spring break, projects to complete, final exams.  For juniors, the SAT and ACT are usually taken during this time and for seniors, the decision about college must be made.

How can you be helpful to your teen?  Help him think about how to schedule himself so that he gets adequate sleep while he has so much going on at school.  Ask him to talk about his stressors.  And make sure that he gets some fun time during this three month marathon to the end of the school year.

Dr. Debra

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE YOUNGER GENERATION?

Today I listened to most of or all of a NPR show on the Millennia generation. I have looked at this before but was impressed about the new take on the issues prevalent with this generation. I have tended to see the theory that this is a very narcissistic generation and the future looked very bleak. This report talked about the trauma they have experienced in their life time with 9-11 and Columbine. They have known 2 wars and an economic collapse. We may need a new template to look at how they see the future and their part in it. It is not uncommon for me to hear a young adult tell me I was promised a job if I went to college and did well. I tell them this was not really a promise. I have been thinking about this and I think I thought that when I graduated from college. I was a sociology and anthropology major and thought I was "promised a job". I did get a job just not the one I had hoped for whatever that was. I believe I thought that also. Today there are no promises but we still tell kids go to college so you can get a good job but then we can't deliver. So this generation may need more guidance and understanding and maybe we need to be more open to the template that is their life. Just thoughts. Sherri

Dads as Role Models for Teens

Like it or not, our teens are watching our behaviors.  Boys look to their fathers to teach them how to behave in many areas of their lives.  Girls look to their fathers to learn what are positive attributes in a man.  And both boys and girls look at their parent's interactions to learn about relationships.  So how do we become positive role models for our teens?  I say "Let them catch us being good."

We should think about our interactions and words being viewed, and we should behave in a way that we want our teens to behave.  We should interact in a respectful way with our family members, listen and think before responding, and model good health habits.  Our teens should see us exercising, eating in a healthy manner, balancing work with relaxation.  This is one of the most important things we can do - model good healthy behavior and interactions.

Dr. Debra

WHEN PARENTS ARE STRUGGLING

There are times in our life when things are going poorly. This could be a financial issue, work related, marital stress, a health issue, or a host of many other things. In our role of parenting this requires special handling. Usually, our children do not need to know the details of our struggle. They may see us crying, or hear parents fighting. It is reasonable to let them know that even moms and dads have difficult days at times. You might relate it to a struggle they have had with a peer or sibling. You should reassure them that they are safe and you have the tools to work it out. If this is a very difficult and long term issue they could benefit from professional counseling. All of this being said; kids are usually resilient and when they see us overcome a difficulty they learn that handling something and moving on is possible for them in their lives too. I wish for you pleasant times but this is for those difficult times that invariably come. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND SELF-WORTH

I see many teens in my practice. I find that usually I have to spend part of my time with each one boosting their self-worth. Even though they may appear to be arrogant or self-absorbed; they are frequently not as confident under the surface. I find one simple solution is to provide them with lots and lots of positives. Positive comments need to be authentic and specific. We probably need to be doing this with everyone in our lives we find important to us but especially with our children. There are other things that make a difference. Pay attention to the activities that they do well. Not because you want them to be successful in that activity but they excel and they seem to love it. Give them support and encouragement in those activities. It is important for you to be a good role model. Make sure you don't practice negative self-talk. Don't put yourself down. Encourage positive relationships and their involvement in those relationships. Just make sure you are not trying to put your agenda on your teen. You may have a teen with good self-worth but if not try a few things to help this. Sherri

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

When a marriage cannot be repaired there are times when divorce in imminent. Whether we are looking at small children or teenagers divorce is stressful for the kids. First of all, kids of whatever age need to know what will happen to them. Where will I live, when will I see each parent. What about holidays and my birthday. How will I get money for college? This is not selfish on the part of the children but simply practical. Children do not need to know that reason for the divorce. Parents should never, never use kids as a sounding board. Children will handle divorce as well as parents do. This means that if parents fight a great deal during this process it will be upsetting to the kids. They need to be able to see both parents just about us much as they want. Certainly it goes without saying that this does not apply when the divorce is a result of any type of abuse of the child. When adults take actions to have a child whether planned or not there is a responsibility to be the guides for that child. This does not change when there is a divorce. If you are struggling in your marriage I hope it can be worked out but if not remember the responsibility you have to your children. Sherri

TRUST AND YOUR TEENAGER

Since I work with teenagers and their families we are frequently looking at issues related to trust. Parents need to be able to trust their teenagers and this is likely an ongoing process. It is also not a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. As the parents we need to not get to the place where we say "I will never trust you again" or the often used "I cannot trust you until you are 30". When there is a violation of trust we need to put in place a "plan" to rebuild that trust. That means you may have to be watching and checking up on until the trust seems to be rebuilt. Also, know that as your teenager develops there will be another occasion to rebuild the trust again. As we are building, loosing and rebuilding this trust they are building trust with us. They need to trust us to be the adults. They need to know we are there to guide them in the process of becoming adults. They need to trust we will not overreact. Yeah, really try to not overreact. Believe me the job is not done when they turn 13 – 16 – 18; you pick the age. Sherri

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

What do I mean?  Respect for others means listening politely when they express ideas with which you do not agree.  Respect describes a code of conduct where you value other people's right to think differently, to worship differently, and to live differently from the way in which you conduct yourself.  And respect is a reciprocal interaction, not a one-way street.   In our society today, which is so polarized, we hear that not following the party line means that we don't matter.  So how in the world do we teach our teens respect?

We teach our teens respect by pointing out to them that the adult members of our population, as exhibited frequently in our media, are woefully lacking in this virtue.  We teach them that even though our elected officials behave in a disrespectful manner to many members of our society, that this does not make their behavior the right behavior.  We model respect for them by the way in which we talk about others  - even those with whom we disagree.  We show respect in the highest form by listening, but not compromising our core values of integrity, respect, family values, and work.

By behaving in this manner and having open discussions with our teens, we will possibly earn their respect as well.

Dr. Debra

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER DISAPPOINTS YOU

It is not uncommon to hear parents talk to me about feeling disappointed about something their teenager has done. This can be about grades, a decision they have made or many other things. Sometimes the "thing" is really big and sometimes it just feels really big. Either way it is something that needs to be discussed. We often have to remind ourselves about adolescence. Teenagers don't usually do something just to disappoint parents. However, it may feel like that at times. The decision making process is just not finished yet and they make decisions that are not thought out well. They can be very impulsive and act without really thinking. Now, there are times when they are not setting out to disappoint us but they are rebelling and they often direct that at whatever they think might "get" to us. They don't really think that out so well but that is still the agenda. In those instances our best defense is to not over react. The calmer we are the more they lose the power of their action.

Whatever the agenda we need to say calm and discuss the incident with them. When they are not ready to talk take a break and then try again.

Good Luck Sherri

TRUST BETWEEN TEENS AND PARENTS

I see a number of teenagers and their families. I think trust becomes a very big issue. Of course there is the usual of being able to trust your kid. But trust is bigger than that. I think the relationship that needs to be developed is one where each can trust the other's reactions. Teenagers need to know that their parents will not "go ballistic" when they mess up. They need to understand that their parents have their back. Not, no matter what, but that when they are wronged they are there for them without taking over and when they are wrong that they will hold their feet to the fire without demeaning them. They need to know that parents will listen and try to understand. They need to know that their opinion matters even when parents disagree. However, families are not a democracy. Parents are in charge. Parents need to trust that their teenagers will talk to them even if it is not always as soon as they need to. But if something bad happens they will talk to them even if it means they might get" in trouble". I have seen so many teenagers, especially girls where something bad has happened like rape or sexual abuse and they don't tell their parents.

If you don't have this trust at this time it is not too late to begin. Start listening. Remember to not overreact, even if you have to leave the room to calm down. Teenagers are not yet adults and they do not have all the skills in problem solving and responding that they will acquire in a few years. It would take long to begin to see changes.

Sherri

ANGER AND CRITICAL THINKING

Anger and critical thinking - how can those possibly coexist?  You cannot have good critical thinking and problem-solving skills when you are angry.  And this is the very reason you must work with your teen to help him or her with learning to manage his anger. 

Being emotionally overwhelmed whether one is anger or anxious stops the ability to think through a problem and find a solution.  So how do you help your teen with this?  The first thing to do is to model for your teen how you handle being angry.  If your teen sees you handle anger in a positive way, he will often model this behavior.  Unfortunately, he will model negative ways to handle anger if that is what you teach him by your behavior.

Discuss with your teen the concept of taking a "personal time out."  This means learning how to take ten minutes or longer if needed to separate oneself from the issue or person which is contributing to the feelings of anger.  Having a discussion about your teen going to a separate room for a personal time out can be very beneficial.  Then discuss with your teen how to think through the issues ONCE HE IS CALM.  Learning to not make decisions when angry is a big step in critical thinking.

So teaching your teen an immediate way to lower anger and then teaching him how to think through his problem and give this time before making a decision helps build his critical thinking skills.

Dr. Debra

ANGRY TEENAGERS IN ANGRY HOMES

Sometimes I am inclined to post about thoughts that get triggered by events in my office. This week I have seen more than one family presenting with a teenager who has anger management issues at home. This can be a significant issues in families but it is more complicated in cases like these where one parent (or in some cases both parents) also have an anger management issues at home. I feel I have no credibility with a teenager when I discuss managing their feeling of anger better when there is a parent that does not. When you go to work most people understand there is a certain level of behavior that is required and beyond that is unacceptable. I believe we need to develop the same standards for home life.

Anger is a normal feeling; we all get feelings of anger. We just don't get to do whatever we want because we are angry. We are the role models for most of our children's behaviors as they grow into adulthood. If we want our children to handle these emotions better we must also demonstrate better handling of emotions. It is alright to talk about this in the family. You can make decisions about ways to handle this that can change these patterns.

If this is your issue, good luck it can be done. Sherri

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IN 2013

I must confess I have taken a little unscheduled break from blogging. I guess I just got into the hubbub of the holidays and neglected this blog. I am back to the real world now. So how did your adolescents survive the holidays? We recently took down the holiday decoration in my house. I always have mixed feeling; hating to see them gone and being grateful that life gets back to normal. I think that is true for all of us just in our lives and finding the end to the holidays. Our kids are getting back to school and life is returning to normal. Is this a smooth transition in your family or are there bumps in the road. For the tens that look forward to a return to school this should be smooth. For others it is not always the case. If this is a bumpy ride try to have conversations with your teen. As always please don't do all the talking. Listen more that you talk. Find out what the stressors about returning to school might be and see if they want any help getting over the hump. Have a great 2013. Sherri

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

Wow it's December 18, 2012 and we are almost to Christmas. It seems that things are so busy that we don't take time to enjoy our families. I hear families tell me that they have so many things to go to for themselves and performances for their children that they feel overwhelmed. Thanksgiving seems to be extended family time. Christmas, traditionally for most Americans is about nuclear family. With our busy lives this is a time to reconnect with our kids. Whatever your plans for the holiday, delineate some time for playing family games, going to do something together, cooking together, and just spending time without other interferences. Enjoy your children and have fun. Sherri

ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING

I heard President Obama say we need to put our political issues behind us and figure out how to solve this problem. I really hope this is something we can try to do. So far we have been unable to do this on any other issue. Today on the View I heard a guest say this is not about gun control. We need armed guards in the schools and hospitalize the mentally ill for longer periods. I understand that a school district in Texas is now going to allow teachers to carry concealed hand guns to school. I find that disturbing on so many fronts. We do not need a shoot from the hip approach.

I do not claim to be smart enough to know how to solve this problem. I do know that to solve a really difficult problem we need to gather a group that can put their own issues aside and address all the ramifications of these shootings. We now have a lot of information about school shootings. What are the aspects of mental illness and how could that have been addressed better or could it have been. How does school bullying play into this. Do you know that when a child is bullied in school if anything is done and usually it is not it is the child who is bullied that is sent to therapy? I want that child sent to therapy but why is it that the bully is not sent to therapy? What role does the news media play in these shootings? How do guns play into this?

Before this becomes a distant memory encourage your leaders to encourage a comprehensive approach to this issue. Support the conditions that offer changes that include a method to evaluate how well this is working. I would love to see this country pull together on something and this would be a great place to start. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING? HOW DO WE TALK TO OUR TEENS?

All of us have been deeply horrified and saddened by the shooting in Connecticut.  Some information about the shooter has been published by the media and he is portrayed as a teen who was isolated and different from his peers.  The information about the victims is staggering - beautiful kindergarten children and the brave teachers, principal, psychologist who died trying to protect them.  Every murder is horrific and brings sadness to us all.  But how do we deal with a young teen who kills - and who by reports appeared to have problems of his own - and his victims deaths?

As parents we cannot help but relate to the parents who have lost their children.  I have been thinking about life as the mother of a kindergarten child, and I remember how my own emotions were daily stirred by her.  Losing a child at this age to a senseless murder would be a pain I cannot even imagine.  And many teens have expressed sadness as they relate the deaths of these children as to how they might feel if they lost their younger siblings. 

One other theme I am hearing from teens is "how do I know that somebody I go to school with won't be like the guy who killed these kids?"  This is a good question to be raised, and one that adults and school authorities should be thinking about more these days.  Going back, we can see signs that the killer had some difficulties as a teen.  Could an intervention have occurred with him that could have changed the outcome of December 14 in Connecticut? 

So how do you talk to your teens about this tragedy? 

1.)  Encourage them to talk and use the following questions to encourage conversation.

2.)  How did you hear about this?

3.)  What was your reaction?

4.)  Did hearing about this make you feel worried or afraid?

5.)  Talk with your teen about he might react if he is in a situation where gunfire begins.  The people who survive are those who run and hide.  Many times people freeze in this situation - discussing with your teen in advance will probably help him not be one of those people who freeze.

6.)  Reassure your teen but also let him know you are always there to talk about any issues that may occur.

I am so deeply saddened by the loss of these children and their teachers.  And I am so deeply saddened that we live in a world where we have to educate our children about what to do in the event of a crisis such as this one.  But I know that we have to do our best as parents to mentally prepare our teens to be alert and aware and ready to take action in a crisis.

Dr. Debra

ADOLESENCE AFFLICTED WITH ADOLESENCE

If we thought about having teenagers when we get pregnant the human race would be on the endangered species list. At their worse teenagers can be cruel and demeaning to their parents. This is a part of them pushing you away so they can assert their independence. As parents this happens at the time we are getting used to the fact that our days with them are numbered. It is difficult to not get your feeling hurt with all of this.

Don't go crazy. It really won't help. Stay calm, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. This will pass and most of what they are yelling at you is not how they feel. The take care of yourself is really important here. Talk to others. Get your rest and exercise. Please don't get into the power struggle. This is a very difficult time and you will need to summon all your resources.

Good luck. Sherri

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TEXTS

This morning on NPR I heard a story about a new app that will eliminate a text in seconds or up to 6 days. I had mixed feelings about this. On one hand this eliminates those texts that could impact your future if the wrong person gets to read it. However, on the other hand it gives those that will cyber bully or sext free reign to do what the please with no threat of recrimination. Because of this I am wary about this app. Many parents of young teens check their text messages regularly and discover inappropriate texts which they then deal with. This seems to me to present a problem. Currently this is a free app so any teen could download it. I would be interested in what you think. Sherri

DEFINING FAILURE

I heard an educator say once that if you're getting all A's the work is likely not difficult enough for you. In the course of learning something new there is a process. We do not reach this being part of our knowledge base until we have worked for it. It does not matter if we are talking about Physics, Home Ec or riding a bike. We are not supposed to be instant learners. It is only through "failure" that we grow. Especially when we are in school or "trying out" for something we think if we don't get an A or we did not get the part or whatever we failed.

We only fail when we fail to try or fail to do our work. Yes these other things feel like failures. In addition to telling our kids about times thing did not work out for us we need to tell them about times we tried but just didn't come out on top. The only real failure if not trying.

Sherri

FAILURE AND YOUR TEEN

Failure is one of a teen's greatest fears.  Teens think about failing at school, failing in relationships, failing in sports and extracurricular activities, and failing at life.  For a teen, not being successful at school and with friends means that he is a loser.  And this is his worst nightmare.

Who among us has not experienced failure?  I don't know one person who has managed to succeed at everything he has undertaken.  Not succeeding at a task can actually be a positive growth experience, although all of us hate to hear that phrase at the time.  Think about some event in your own life that did not work in the way you had wished.  Then think about what you learned from that experience.  As a parent, helping your teen learn that experiences that do not go the way you want can still be experiences that have value. 

Discuss your own experiences with your teen.  He may be more open to talking about his fear of failure once he realizes that everyone struggles with this at some point or the other.  But also remember that many times your teen just needs you to listen and reassure him.

Dr. Debra

MORE THOUGHTS ON TEENAGERS AND DECISION MAKING

I decided it would be prudent to talk about decision making just a bit more. As parents we have difficulty turning decision making over to our children because we want to protect them and we worry they will get hurt. As a result we tend to tell them what to do and not wait and listen to what they decide. At times teenagers will not make a decision because they know we will just step in anyway.

So as parents what things do you say. Here are a few lines to use:

• I trust that you will be able to figure this out.
• What do you think you should do here?
• Let me know what you decide and if you need help let me know.

When a decision has been made and has gone well here are some responses to use.

• You did a great job figuring this out
• You must feel proud of yourself.
• I knew you could do this.

When a decision has been made and it did not go so well here are a few responses:

• How do you feel about how this worked out?
• Would you have done anything differently?
• What is your next step?

Try not to forget that when we give them the space to make their own decisions we are preparing them to enter the adult world. They won't be perfect but neither are we.

Sherri

DECISION MAKING

As I do this work I become more and more convinced that we need to give our children more rope to make their own decisions. I raised a VERY strong will daughter. Everything was a power struggle with her. On a cold winter morning I was known to say to my daughters it is going to be cold today you should wear a coat. To which she would respond I don't have to wear a coat if I don't want to. I knew not to get into a power struggle with her but I must confess that was difficult to not argue with her about a coat. One day I simply said "Okay." That night a dinner she said "How can I decide for myself whether I need a coat or not." We discussed ways to know if it would be cold all day. From then on it was never an issue. She made her own decision. It seems that since it had stayed cold all day she had not been able to go outside for recess. I love it when natural consequences come into play.

Start with the small issues when they are young. If there is a foundation of making decisions they will be better equipped to make those big decisions that occur in adolescence. I am convinced that we make too many decisions for our teens. Experiment with trying this soon. When it is a decision that did not turn out well, process with them the outcome. Please resist the urge to say I told you so….. You want them to develop into good decision makers. This is not about you being right. Sherri

HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE!

We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving.  Teens are back to school and parents are back to work this week.  Most teens will be in school for four more weeks, then will be out of school for the Christmas break.  During this time, teens and families have some difficulty staying focused on "business as usual" which means schoolwork/homework/exams for your teen and work for we parents.

How do you balance the holiday season celebrations and responsibilities?  Not only do we as parents need to do this, we need to teach our teens how to balance these areas in our lives.  Some practical suggestions for teens:  map out what school assignments and exams are due before the end of the year and develop a timeline for how much work you will do on each one daily.  And then write out the holiday events you would most like to enjoy by Christmas.  This may include some holiday shopping, going to a museum, or seeing light exhibits.

Talk to your teen about rewarding himself each week for meeting deadlines.  Have him allow himself to do something he wishes to do each weekend if he has been successful in keeping his deadlines.  This is a good way to teach him to balance his time between work and pleasure.

And be sure to enjoy the holiday season!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This is Thanksgiving weekend - a time for family, relaxation, fun, shopping,.... and giving thanks.  Sometime this weekend spend a minute thinking about the traits your teen has that you are glad he possesses.  Find the right time to let him know that you have noticed these traits and are thankful for him. 

Dr. Debra

 

After Thanksgiving: Black Friday

Today is Thanksgiving.  I hope that all of you had a pleasant day with your family and enjoyed relaxation, fellowship, and good food. Our American holiday of giving thanks is an important tradition. 

Tomorrow is Black Friday - a more modern American tradition.  This day marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.  I often find irony in the fact that we spend one day giving thanks and interacting peacefully to then shift into a mad race to find the best merchandise in holiday sales!  Nevertheless, our retailers find this day important for their businesses and many folks are able to find gifts and items at better prices than they can at other times of the year.

So what does this mean for your teen?  Black Friday could be a time to help your teen learn to shop effectively and get the biggest bang for his buck.  And while you are doing that, be sure to help him s treat people in a positive manner such as being courteous in long lines! 

Dr. Debra

FACE TIME WITH YOUR TEENS

I was talking to a mother today and thought about today's teenagers; a common diversion for me these days. I worry that our teens are not developing self-reliance and a sense of direction about the outward world. I began to realize that we are actually spending more time with our children but it really amounts to less time. We take them to all their activities which is important for them to have the "right" data on their college applications. More and more meals are eaten in the car driving from one activity to another. We hover over them to make sure they are doing their homework whether they need us to do that or not.

The problem is that we are not necessarily having face time with our kids. Dr. Debra talks about a mother and daughter that were in her office seeing her and were texting each other during the entire appointment. Texting in not face time; even when you are sitting next to each other. Our children even teens need us to give of our time. We need to talk, play together and teach about life. Since we are seeing so many issues with teens in general today we need to spend this more focused time interacting with our kids.

The way I see this is that it is a win – win. Have a great Thanksgiving. Sherri

THANKSGIVING AND TEENS

As we approach Thanksgiving we have our own memories and traditions that we hold on to. We have expected family time, usually with extended family. That is something that goes very well in some families and goes very badly in others. For our children this can also be true. As I talk with teenagers in my office they tell me all kinds of things about their family Thanksgivings. For some they are looking forward to connecting to extended family. For others they are dreading the drama that is usually created. Help you teens talk about the holiday and find ways to enjoy it. Sherri

FINANCIAL CLIFF AND YOUR TEEN

Everyone is talking about the impending financial cliff which will occur in January if no compromise solution is reached between te House of Representatives and the President regarding budgetary issues.

Your teen no doubt has heard something about this.  But even more importantly, he may have noticed your anxiety about this.  How can you help him cope wih the impending problem?

First, take some seeing if he understads what the financial cliff is.  Then help him understand what is occurring if he is not aware of the situation.  Then take some time explaining to him about budgets annd financial management.  Do not appear anxious yourself - he will struggle with hearing you discuss the difficulties if he sees you as worried.

And finally take some time to discuss money managment with him.  Talk with him about how one does that and if he can see himself managing money better.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

PHARM PARTIES

This morning I heard on the news that teenagers are having a resurgence of what is called Pharm Parties. For a Pharm Party the teens get pills out of their parents' medicine cabinet and take them to parties. They throw the pills into a big bowl and they pass the bowl and take a handful of pills. They don't necessarily know what they are taking. The concerns are obvious. They could be taking things that cannot be taken together and they could be overdosing.

If you are a parent of a teen that gets together often will friends or parties you need to keep an eye on your teen and monitor your medicine cabinet. It could be wise to lock up the meds where they are not accessible to anyone else. This is very dangerous. Don't panic, just be smart.

Sherri

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER MAKES YOU ANGRY

I think I will take a break from blogging about panic attacks today to talk about teens making us angry. Raising teenagers is not for the feign of heart. If anyone ever told you that raising teenagers would really be your favorite time of life they were lying. Teenagers are tough. They have their own issues of surviving the changes of adolescence, they are trying to grow up and leave, and they are attempting to develop an individual identity. All of these things pull together to make them at times your waking nightmare.

It makes me think about suiting up for battle. Not that a fight should ensue but that you must be ready for what is thrown at you. Teenagers will often push away from you and also they will push back. Things that worked once do not work so well now. As the parent it is important to not personalize what they say and do. You can require you be treated in a respectful manner but the pushing will still occur. The better you handle that the more you will all survive adolescence. I tell parents all the time. You need to be firm but keep your cool. When you just get angry you give your power away. I know some days it seems impossible but when you can do this you will have more success in the end. Sherri

SYMPTOMS OF TEENAGER’S PANIC ATTACKS

Teenagers' symptoms of panic attacks are fairly similar to those of adults. They do not always have the words to describe what is happening. They may experience a raid heart rate, have difficulty breathing feel as if they are choking, they may feel dizzy, and they may feel faint, sweaty or experience nausea among other things. These symptoms do not usually all occur at the same time. They usually come out of nowhere; without a trigger. However, sometimes there is a trigger. When a panic attack occurs your child may be afraid they are going to die or that they are going crazy. They may feel detached from their body. It seems to me that it is sort of like the fight or flight response got triggered without an actual trigger. This is truly very scary for both you and your child. They symptoms do not usually last very long and the teenager may be tired after it is over. Certainly you can take them to the ER to be evaluated when this happens. If this is an isolated event and it does not occur again you may not need to do anything. If panic attacks reoccur you need to seek profession help. I will continue to write about this is you have questions please ask them. Sherri

PANIC ATTACKS AND TEENS

This blog is in response to a comment by a reader about panic attacks indicating there is not enough attention given to the terrible incidents of panic attacks. We will write a bit about panic attacks in teenagers. This is an important subject because when a child or teenager has had one or some panic attacks they may start to avoid the situations that they think may have triggered a panic attack. Often since the symptoms are so scary they may be afraid that they are going crazy and they may be afraid to even tell an adult what has happened. Even when they do tell what has happened. It may increase isolation out of fear that this could occur again. Frequently an individual that has experienced a panic attack will assume it was caused by whatever event was happening at the time the attack occurred. Frequently this is not the case. When you find out this is happening with your teenager you do not need to panic. Simply ask them to tell you what occurred. Remaining calm will help. We will be addressing issues of how to deal with panic attacks in the next few blogs. Sherri

ELECTION DAY AND YOUR TEEN

November 6 is less than an hour away - and election day will be here!  This campaign has been intense and polls indicate that the election will be close.  Many people have strong feelings about this election.

Your teen no doubt has heard you and others discuss thoughts about the election.  Some teens will automatically take their parents' position while others will take the opposite position as a way to differentiate themselves from their parents.  Whichever position your teen takes, this election provides an important opportunity for you to dialogue with your teen.

Talk with your teen about why we have elections and what this process means historically in our country.  And talk to your teen about how even though we Americans have our differences, we unite as Americans when necessary.  Let your teen know that having differing opinions is what makes our country different from many other societies, and that our diversity has made us great.

Enjoy your conversation with your teen - and listen to what he has to say.  You might be surprised to hear that he has been more thoughtful about this process than you could have imagined.

Dr. Debra

LIVING THROUGH CRISIS

We are faced with a number of crises in recent times.  Just a few days ago. we listened to the news reporters telling us about the crises of Hurricane Sandy crashing into the east coastline.  In following these reports, we have learned that a number of people have been killed and many properties destroyed.  Rebuilding will happen - but the pace will depend on resources and ongoing weather concerns.

How do we help our teens understand crises?  Not an easy task - many teens struggle with anxieties about these concerns.  Our first task is to reassure our teen and help him/her realize that problem-solving is critical in times of crisis.  One way to start this process is to problem-solve with him about what the family will do in the event of crisis.  In other words, develop a plan of action for how your family responds.  Once you have determined this plan, you wil be able to lower anxiety for any family members.

Help your teen understand that recovery is a process and does not happen at the pace of the destruction that determined the problem in the first place.  And sometimes helping your teen understand that crises are ongoing throughtout human history will put these events into perspective.

Dr. Debra

 

HURRICANE SANDY

It's difficult to hear the news about the north east and not wonder how people are coping. Having lived in the north east for a great deal of my life I knew about hurricanes but they never grew to this force. This has been just horrible. As you hear the reports it is a good time to talk with your children about disaster plans for your family. Every area of the country has some type of natural disaster and especially for teenagers that are often driving their own cars you need to have plans in place for what to do when one hits. Since I am in Texas we have mostly tornadoes and sometime ice storms. I remember one time when my daughter had just gotten her license and we had not discussed driving (or better) not driving on ice. I was in Dallas and she was at the high school in a play rehearsal. A freak ice storm came up, one we had not expected. When I got home I could not find her. I started to check with the peers she had been with. She eventually got home and had driven her friends home but at about 10 miles an hour. After that I understood the necessity of a plan in advance. Our thoughts and prayers are with those of you in the affected area. Sherri

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is this week. This can be such a fun time for young children. They get to dress up in costumes and "be someone else for a short period of time. I have found that this love of Halloween does not go away as they become teenagers. Many teenagers tell me Halloween is their favorite holiday. (I always find it interesting that Halloween is considered a holiday.) Some teenagers celebrate by going to haunted houses others watch scary movies and still others dress up and scare the small children as they trick or treat. Dressing up is fun no matter what the age and they seem to love it. It is certainly fine that your teens want to have fun on this "holiday". Just make sure they do not use this as an opportunity to make choices that will get them into a difficult decision making situation. Sherri

HALLOWEEN IS ONE WEEK AWAY

Halloween is a holiday that children and teens love.  Whether they get to dress up at school or dress up after school to go trick or treating the feeling of fall excitement is in the air.  Some parents do not want their family to participate in Halloween due to thoughts about negative religious implications - and every family has their own way of thinking about this holiday.

We know when Halloween arrives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are not far away.  So the Holiday Season has officially started.  Now is the time to start thinking about how your teen will be spending his time and to make plans for the season!

Dr. Debra

BEING FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR TEEN PART II

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about feeling frustrated with your teenagers. She gave very good information about how to handle this. If you haven't read it you should check it out. As I read her blog, thinking about the changes in adolescence and what a struggle this is for parents, I thought about the struggles the parents are having. As we are raising our children we don't think very often about how these changes impact us the parents. We enjoy the fun of this cute little child and we celebrate in their accomplishments; feeling proud. As they begin to break the barrier that is adolescence and as the distancing from us begins we are also going through changes. Our life will change as the child rearing years come to an end. We struggle with what is next. This does not mean this is a bad thing but a change all the same. As our teenagers change and are growing up sometimes we want them to be adults and act grown up and responsible. Other times they are our little baby and we dread their launching from home. For us the parents their emancipation means our relationship with them will change. As the mother of two adult daughters it does not mean that the relationship ends; it just changes. But in the throes of it we feel the loss. For our teens they have the entire world before them. For teenagers this is a new beginning for us it is a loss. This puts us in different places and we need to recognize the changes. It is important to talk about this so we don't take out our feeling on a teenager who is already a bit volatile at times. Sherri

BEING FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR TEEN

Parents often feel frustrated with their teenagers.  Just listen to any parent talk - and often you will hear something stated like "it is so hard to be the parent of a teenager."  Teens are walking the fine line between childhood and adulthood.  And unfortunately, they often treat their adult parents as if the parent "doesn't know anything."

How do you handle being frustrated with your teen?  I have some suggestions for those moments when you are questioning why you ever had children in the first place.  The 5 R's of dealing with frustration have been very helpful to me over time.

1.)  REMIND yourself of what your teen is doing right.  For example, after reading Sherri's article, I was very grateful that my teen does not drink alcohol.  So if your teen is not drinking or using drugs, that is something he is doing that is "right" at this stage of his life. 

2.)  REALITY CHECK.  Are you expecting your teen to exhibit adult behavior?  The reality is that he is learning how to be an adult...which means that times he will not act like an adult.  So think about how he is not acting appropriately and try to put it in context - is he doing something dangerous?  Or is he just giving you heartburn with some of his political, etc., statements. 

3.)  REFOCUS your sight on what your goals as a parent are for your teen.  What are you hoping to teach him that you think you are not doing?  And develop a strategy for how you can effectively accomplish these tasks.

4.)  REMEMBER that you were once a teenager too, and that you probably did some things that were frustrating for your parents!

5.)  RELAX by finding something to do that will lower your frustrated feelings.  You must take care of yourself if you want to be an effective parent.

Dr. Debra

TEENAGERS AND DRINKING

Some studies done by NIAAA (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism) have shown the following, 2012

Prevalence in 8th graders:

51.7% have tried alcohol

43.1% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

25.1% have been drunk

15.2% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

Prevalence in 10th graders:

70.6% have tried alcohol

63.7% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

48.9% have been drunk

25.6% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

1.9% have been daily drinking for at least 1 month at some point in their lives

Prevalence in 12th graders:

80% have tried alcohol

73.8% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

62.3% have been drunk

30.8% binge drank in the past 2 weeks

3.6% use alcohol daily

Here are some statistics on drinking in adolescence. These figures do not include college drinking stats. I recently had a college student tell me that she could not give up drinking. "It just wasn't her." Having fun is equated with drinking in many instances. You can't "party" without alcohol. It is true and the above stats point out that not all teens are drinking and most are not drinking all the time. But for those that are this is a significant problem. Consensual sex, date rape and rape are more common when drinking is involved. Teenagers run the risk of addiction at this early age. There is also certainly the issue of driving under the influence.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know. My attention here is as parents what is your role? I believe that at an early age likely in early middle school you need to start talking to your teens about drinking; the dangers, risks etc. Don't make this a weekly thing but keep the lines of communication open. As you kids enter high school help them problem solve what to do when they find themselves at an event where there is drinking. Don't lecture but help them, problem solve. Tell them you will never condone drinking but if they drink they are to tell you. To many parents use the philosophy of don't ask don't tell. They are never to drink and drive or to get into a car with anyone that has had a drink. If they call you for a ride they won't be "in trouble". When my daughter was a teenager she seldom drank but as a senior she did on a few occasions and would tell me prior to the party that there would be drinking and what the plan was to be safe. She knew I did not condone drinking but I also needed to know.

The biggest issue I find concerning parents of teenagers that are drinking is that parents bury their head in the sand. Kids will tell me this is what I do to sneak into the house and my parents don't suspect I have been drinking. I don't think parents have to be hyper vigilant, just observant and keep the lines of communication open. It may have become a standard that kids will drink but I am unwilling to accept that standard and think as parents we need to do our part with our children to help change the tide.

Sherri