Parenting with All the Pieces

TEENAGERS WITH ANXIETY

Families and schools are not too bad at spotting when a teenager has depression. They are not so good at spotting when a teenager has anxiety. I'm not so sure we actually understand anxiety. Somehow I think we may equate anxiety with stress. They are two different things and should not be confused as the same. Anxiety can take many forms. Sometimes it is about worry. Sometimes it is about panic attacks. It may manifest as social anxiety. We see many teens with obsessive compulsive disorder. Phobias are a form of anxiety. Whenever I see a teenager that is putting off drivers ed I look at the possibility of anxiety. Parents are usually surprised when they learn their teen is a perfectionist and that is a form of anxiety. There does not have to be an event that triggers anxiety. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. With teenagers and children anxiety may manifest as anger. You may not have any idea what triggered a rage. Teens with anxiety will often avoid something if it is likely to cause anxiety. Teenagers will anxiety cannot pull themselves up by their bootstraps. (By the way if you think about it that is actually physically impossible.)

When a teenager has one or more forms of anxiety the life inside their skin is terrifying. It is not really in their control. Professional intervention is warranted at least for an evaluation to determine what is happening and if treatment is recommended. The teenager needs to know it is not their fault and this have not done anything wrong. They need to be helped to learn different tools to deal with what is happening so they have some ways to manage their anxiety. They should not be told that what they are worrying about is silly. They need to be listened to so they do not feel ignored.

If you may have a teen with anxiety do not hesitate about getting them the help they need so they can normalize their life.

Sherri

Family Weekend Challenge: School Check-In

We have reached the middle of the semester.  School will intensify over the next two months.  Your teen will have schoolwork and holiday activities to contend with as the year ends.

Take a little time to check in with your teen as to how school is going.  Help him anticipate the deadlines he will have and help him with planning.  Marke sure he knows you are available as a consultant.

And when he gets overwhelmed, remind him he has holiday breaks coming up to anticipate!

Dr. Debra

VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE NIGHT AND YOUR TEEN

Tonight the Vice President of the U.S., Joe Biden, will debate the Vice Presidential contender, Paul Ryan.  This debate has sparked a lot of discussion in light of the Presidential debate which occurred last week.  Since the Presidential debate has been discussed a great deal recently in the media, folks have also been wondering what the outcome of the debate tonight will be.  Obviously this is important - Vice President Biden has not campaigned this week so that he can prepare for the debate.

We live in very tense times politically.  Many of my patients have voiced fears to even talk about how they think politically because people are so polarized in their positions.  Many people have expressed to me that they are losing sleep because they are fearful of the outcome of this election - that this election will change the very nature of our country.  I suspect your teen has heard comments along these lines as well.  And your teen - who does not have the experience of seeing a lot of presidential election cycles - may be fearful also.

I encourage you to watch the debate tonight with your teen.  Pay attention to what you hear, but also pay attention to your teen's facial expressions and comments.  Spend some time getting your teen to tell you what he heard in the debate.  If you wish to discuss your political views with your teen, I encourage you to do it in such a way that he will not be frightened about possible outcomes.  By doing this with your teen, you will help him understand the political process in America.  And he might learn something about the issues our country faces.

Dr. Debra

 

I HATE MY TEENAGER

I think that if parents thought about having teenagers instead of having babies the human race would be extinct. No one imagines how infuriating teenagers can become. Many parents get to a place at times where they just want to give that child up. I'm not exactly sure where they think they can do that but the feelings are very strong. I heard of a situation once where the parents wanted to give their 16 year old daughter $200 and a one way bus ticket to Las Vegas. How do we get to this point? This usually happens when the parents feel the child is out of control. Certainly when this is happening it may be warranted to seek some type of mental health services.

Too frequently a power imbalance has developed. And usually parents and the teenagers get into power struggles. A power struggle with a teenager is the kiss of death. I learned a long time ago that they are willing to fight to the death and I'm not. And besides, in truth no one actually wins. So you have to avoid the power struggle. This means as you see it ramping up you say "I will not fight with you about this." Then walk away. Stay away until you find the situation is calmer and you can return to discuss the issue. Walk away as many times as needed to resolve the issue. If the teenager continues to push their position tell them they can write a position paper to you about why their opinion should be the solution. When you get the position paper you can discuss it. In truth they seldom write the paper because they don't "win" from that stance. It takes their power away when you won't engage in the fight. This works in lots of situations.

Parents also reach this place when they feel their teenager is not practicing appropriate behaviors with peers. This can be sexual acting out, drugs and alcohol, ignoring curfew among others. This is still about power. You have to take the power back but you can't do it from a position of aggression. Use the same techniques as above. This will take some time but in the end it will be worth it. I hope you are not at this place but these things keep you ram getting to this place.

Sherri

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS - FACT OR FICTION

Last week I wrote about helping your teens find the facts regarding the election. I am finding it more and more difficult to know what to believe. IT can depend upon who is speaking; where the information is coming from. I know I can be behind the times but today Facebook is alive with rants about Christopher Columbus. I'm writing this on Monday so this is the day we have chosen to honor him. I knew he didn't actually "discover" America but it did not know about how he killed, enslaved, mutilated, and sold young girls into slavery so many indigenous people in the Bahamas. Today I understand the Knight of Columbus were looking for a Catholic hero for their youth and lobbied in the 1930s to honor this man. Hopefully, they did not understand this history. Do school children still learn the little ditty…"in fourteen hundred and ninety two Columbus sailed the ocean blue"? With this information why have we not taken this off the calendar as a national holiday?

There are so many of these dilemmas. There is no agreement about whether George Washington actually shopped down the cherry tree. I am worried that there are those that believe the Holocaust did not actually happen. There are so many things how do we decide what it true and what is not. Again we have resources due to the internet. These are things we can look up as a family and then discuss what is factual and what is not and why that may have happened. Also some stories are folk lore and we understand them to be so. This does not mean we have to eliminate them but understand them to be folk lore.

Doing this should help your teenagers become savvy consumers as well as more informed about issues and history. It also opens up many avenues of communication between you and your teenager.

Sherri

POLITICAL DEBATES 2012

I don't know how many of you are tired of listening to the pundits perseverate about the upcoming presidential debates. In this stressful political time there is so much in any form of media about the election it becomes difficult to keep an open mind and not want to just turn it all off. If you live in what these pundits term a swing state you are inundated with political ads. So in this turbulent time how do we help our teenagers develop a positive perspective on voting, the political process and democracy? It is so easy, at least at home, to rant about the other candidate and to get tied up in what "facts" the reporters choose to spin. A good family activity might be to research some of these "facts" to help your teenager see the entire picture. Remember you want them to develop their own opinion about what they feel is right. You want them to develop the skills to become a wise and informed voter when they are old enough to vote and with teens this is not far off. I remember my parent's frustration but patience with me when I choose a position different from what they believed. They allowed be to develop my own beliefs.

Sherri

SO YOUR CHILD IS THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about teenagers making plans to go to college. I agree with her college does not mean you have to seek an Ivy League University. There are so many options. If you missed her blog please refer back to it. In keeping with this college theme I want to address something else.

As parents you need to determine what is reasonable for you as a family to contribute toward college. This should be determined before the decision of which college is made. If you really can't afford NYU don't put it on the table. There are scholarships available but not all kids will get or find scholarships or enough scholarships to pay for any college of their choosing. Some colleges provide more scholarships than others. You and your teen need to be well informed about this process.

This being said, then comes the difficult work of deciding which college and applying. These two tasks belong to your teenager. Taking college tours should be a family event. It helps when decisions are being made to have seen the schools together. It seems to me that most high schools are pretty good about letting teens know about college and keeping them apprised about the process. The teenager may need to be proactive. I knew of a teenager recently that was accepted to a big name state school. It came time to leave for school and she had not gone to registration or orientation and although the family thought they knew what benefits were available but they had not checked this out and in addition to not having registered for class she did not have her funding nailed down. This should not occur today. The parents might not have known but the teenager, when all her friends were registering etc. should have been checking into her own plans. When the decision is being made you and your teenager should be discussing this but the decision is the teenagers to make; this hold true for the choice of college and the classes to be taken. Colleges provide advisors to help guide the students and they are best equipped to determine what your teen needs to sign up for.

Hopefully you have been slowly turning decision making over to your teen for years but if not this is still one that they should be making. These are decisions about the rest of their life and it should be what is best for them not what is best for us. So, good luck. It is exciting (and a bit sad) to watch your teen go off to college but celebrate with them as they endorse this process.

Sherri

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

NUTURING GOOD CHARACTER IN YOUR TEENAGERS

After my blog yesterday on the Springtown corporal punishment incident I decided to write about how to help your children develop good character. I thought I first needed to see how good character is described. I think we all know what good character is but defining it is another thing. I decided to research this on the web. There were lots of answers but mostly too complicated and preachy. I saw one written by a student for a NHS application. I liked that one the best. The writer said among other things good character is "who we are when no one is looking." This of course precludes what we can get away with when no one is watching but you get the message. Good character is doing the right thing when you might be able to get away with less. It is doing it because it is what is true about you.

Like so much of parenting, what you role model to your children is the most important. Many years ago my mother and I were shopping for a winter coat. We were in a discount store. We found the jacket we liked. It did not have a price tag so my mother put a tag on the coat. We both knew the tag she put on was cheaper that the real price of the coat. We went to the cash register to pay. I was a bit nervous. You may not all remember the blackout of 1965 where 80, 000 square miles, 30 million people were without electricity for 12 hours. As we got ready to check out the electricity went out. We did not get the coat. They couldn't check us out. It is a memory I will never forget; I thought God had put the lights out because we knew what we were doing was wrong. This wasn't the only time God spoke to me in this way. In third grade I went home for lunch and before returning to school I stole a nickel from my mother's money and bought a candy bar which I ate on the way to school. When I got to school I fell and broke my arm. I know one event had nothing to do with the other but don't try to tell a kid that. Do I have good moral character? Not always but I continue to strive for that goal.

So I digress. The first job of parents is to model good character. Let you children just observe you making the good choices, even when the good choices are hard. You don't have to tell them. Children see everything even when we think they are not watching. It's not about how much you go to church or pray before meals but that helps. It is about the decisions and choices you make. If you are not sure your actions demonstrate the character you want to relay look at what you are doing and make changes.

When your children make a decision process the outcome with them. It does not matter if we are talking about how to spend play time or what to do about a bully at school. Let them make their decisions and then process with them how that went and how they felt about the outcome. You can also process with them beforehand. With statements like what will you do? How might that work out? What do you hope will happen? When they are unsettled with on outcome help them process what they might do to correct it or do differently the next time.

In the world we live in today there are not very many Mother Teresas. Our children see poor choices by movie stars, star athletes, political leaders, school teachers, clergy and the list goes on. In this world we need to discuss these incidents on the news when our children see them or come home talking about them. It is alright to say that everyone does not always make the good choices but our task is to make good choices as often as we can. But most especially, tell them that when we do not make a good choice and "get away with something" we should not feel proud or like we dodged a bullet.

Sherri

BUILDING CHARACTER THROUGH "SWATS"

Okay, so I think I'm going to get on my soap box today. This morning, on the local news, there was a story about a high school student in Texas that received corporal punishment (for those of you outside of Texas this is hit with a paddle) for helping her friend cheat on a test. . This was a good student who does not really get into trouble according to the report. The family had previously agreed this was to be the punishment of choice for their daughter, you read this correctly, a high school student. The issue the family presented was not that she was paddled but that it had been done by a male administrator.

So let's look at this. What was the lesson learned? If you cheat you get hit? I don't know but I'm thinking that if you cheat and you are a good student that a zero might make a bigger impact to a good student. There are certainly many options. I have never understood the popularity given to "swats". But someone once told me the line between the bottom and the brain dissolves by the age of 5. Of course, a female teenage should likely not be given "swats" by a male but isn't the bigger issue if "swats" should have been used at all.

Deciding whether or not to help your friend cheat on a test is about character. "Swats" do not build character. I wonder what this girl learned about cheating???? I think I'll focus on this some more. Maybe tomorrow I will blog about character building techniques. Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING STYLE?

I write this on Saturday night which leaves little time for a complete weekend, but I feel this is something to be thought about for more than a weekend.  Start thinking about the descriptions of attachment vs. free range range parenting.  And think about how you have parented your teen.  Did you lean more in one direction than the other?  Did you use a blend of the two types? 

Think about how your parenting style has worked well and also think about what you might want to adjust now that your child is a teen.

Dr. Debra

FREE RANGE VS. ATTACHMENT PARENTING: Which is Best?

Sharon has written blogs comparing free range versus attachment parenting.  This information gives us a great deal to think about related to parenting styles, specifically which type of parenting fits best with our own approach.

Each style of parenting has positive points.  Free range parenting involves assessing your child/teen's ability to cope in situations in which parents may not be present.  The free range parent determines if his teen can go unsupervised to engage with the neighborhood, etc.  Giving your teen some freedom to explore and learn hou to handle situations does have some merit.  Your teen can develop more problem-solving skills.  The only concern is that the teen may find himself in a situation in which he does need adult help but is unable to assess a parent or other adult to help him.

Attachment parenting talks about making your child/teen  a highest priority in your life and working with him in such a way that he feels secure.  The parent makes a lot of efforts to aid attachment and structure their life in such a way to do so.  A positive benefit to this type of parenting is that your child/teen will feel secure and bonded to parents.  The concern with this type of parenting is that your teen may not be able to make decisions independently of parents and he may struggle with functioning on his own.

Think about your own style of parenting.  Which parenting style fits you best?

Dr. Debra

THE OTHER SIDE – ATTACHMENT PARENTING

Thanks for reading yesterday. Today I want to address Attachment Parenting. WebMD in their article entitled What Is Attachment Parenting? lists the principles of this method of parenting.

The Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting

• Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Proponents of attachment parenting believe it is important to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings about pregnancy. Doing so, they say, readies a parent for the emotionally demanding work of being a parent. Feed with love and respect. Breastfeeding, proponents say, is the ideal way to create a secure attachment. It also teaches infants that parents will listen to their cues and fulfill their needs.
• Respond with sensitivity. With attachment parenting, parents consider all expressions of emotions, including repeated tantrums, as real efforts at communication. Those efforts are to be taken seriously and understood rather than punished or dismissed.
• Use nurturing touch. Attachment parenting proponents advise maximum skin-to-skin touching. Ways to achieve that include joint baths and "baby-wearing" -- carrying babies during the day in a front-facing sling.
• Engage in nighttime parenting. Attachment parenting experts advise making "co-sleeping" arrangements. With co-sleeping, an infant sleeps in the same room with parents so they can feed and emotionally soothe the child during the night. Some parents practice "bed-sharing" or sleeping in the same bed with babies. It's thought that this creates an even more secure attachment. Precautions are advised, though, to help prevent sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS.
• Provide constant, loving care. Proponents of attachment parenting advise the nearly constant presence of a parent. That includes during walks, parents' night out, and work. They advocate against childcare for more than 20 hours a week for babies younger than 30 months old.
• Practice positive discipline. Parents are advised to distract, redirect, and guide even the youngest of babies, and to model positive behavior. Attachment parenting aims at understanding what a child's negative behavior is communicating. And parents are encouraged to work out a solution together with a child, rather than spanking or simply imposing their will on children.
• Strive for balance in personal and family life. Parents are encouraged to create a support network, live a healthy lifestyle, and prevent parenting burn-out.

This morning there is more controversy on the news about the Time magazine photo of the Mom breastfeeding her 4 year old. There is a new cover for a different magazine, Pathways to Family Wellness. There are some really good concepts they propose. I believe in positive discipline. Those of you that have been reading this blog for a while know I believe that yelling at kids is like trying to steer a car by honking the horn. I believe we do not cherish children enough in this current society. My concern is that in the extreme this goes against so many cultural norms that there is a very strong reaction to all of this. Also, I wonder if the research will play out that these children become as independent and self-assured as they indicate. My worry is that this in the extreme could foster dependency and lower self-esteem because of not being placed in a situation that encourages independent decision making in a difficult situation.

So where do you line up. Let us know. Sherri

FREE RANGE PARENTING

What an interesting world we live in. For about a year now I have been hearing about Attachment Parenting. Recently I saw a news story about Free Range Parenting. These two styles of parenting are certainly opposite ends of the continuum. For today and tomorrow I want to write about each. In truth, neither of these has to do with raising teenagers but I found it interesting so thanks for indulging me.

As the free range parenting people say when we were kids we could take off on a Saturday (if our chores were done) and had to be back before dark. (Or some variation of the arrangement) They say that when children are more responsible for problem solving, they develop self-confidence. They say that when they are overscheduled they use computers, video games etc. to entertain them. They feel that as more and more parents were both working they provided scheduled activities for their children to have them supervised and to assuage their guilt for being gone. As a result our societal norms have changed to feeling that children even to older teenagers and young adults need parent supervision to be successful and safe. In these later cases we worry that our kids will not get things done unless we are in charge of it.

The proponents of this style of parenting do not believe in throwing their kids into the pool and it is sink or swim. They have guidelines they incorporate before giving their child increased freedom. WebMD in their article Free-Range Parenting It's a new, hands-off approach to raising kids. Should you give it a try? This article provides some guidelines for this decision process.

• Does my child have the disposition to handle the activity?
• Can he or she follow rules?
• Does my child know what to do in case there is a problem?
• Does my child know from whom it is safe to ask for help?
• Does my child have a sense of how to reach out to parents, use a phone, and distinguish between police officers and other people?

I see merits of this style of parenting but nothing is perfect. The WebMD article says actually he crime rate has gone down since the mid-90s and children are actually safer that in the 70s and 80s. For parents of latency age children this would be such a big jump this may be too unstructured to incorporate in to parenting.

Tomorrow we will discuss Attachment parenting. Think about this and let me know what you think. Sherri

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

INSULATING OUR CHILDREN FROM TRAUMA

It is such a dilemma in the world we live in today. How do we protect our children and still allow them to learn life lessons without allowing them to experience horrible trauma? Recently we have talked about bullying and all the aspects of the world of the internet. There are many things that our teens can experience that scare parents. And with good reason; by the same token we cannot make them bubble children that never face the "real world". I hear this dilemma in my office every day. Some parents don't protect enough and some too much. In every case parents are confused about what is best. I think about this a great deal. I have come to the conclusion that maybe our best protection is to make our children good decision makers from an early age. At the beginning there are certainly decisions they should not be allowed to make but as they grow and mature they need more and more ability to make their own decision. Not all decisions will turn out well but that is perfectly alright. We learn more from the unsuccessful decisions than from the successful ones. When we can trust their ability to make good decisions and also they usually do make good decisions – even when we may not agree with a decision; we can trust that they will make a good decision in a difficult situation. They need to make decisions about when to play and when to do school work. They need to decide whether or not to drink and how much. When we can trust they make the best decision for themselves we can breathe a sigh of relief and trust they will be alright. We can never prevent all possible disasters even with good decision makers. Just like there is nothing we or they can do to keep us always out of harm's way. Today is September 11^th. All those people that went to work that day or got into a plane were making the best decision they could make at the time. Sometimes horrible things happen and we grieve and eventually figure out how to put our lives back together. Work on decision making with your children. They will grow from the experience. Sherri

STAND AGAINST BULLYING

In Dallas CBS news aired a week long program "Take a Stand against Bullying". If you missed this you can go on line to see aspects of this programing. I'm pleased they did this and they did a good job. There has been an effort to teach kids how to respond in a manner to reduce the prospect of bullying. There is now a law to address the issues of bullying. I felt there is still a void in addressing the bullies and their parents directly. In the cases I am aware of when the bully's parents were contacted the bullying ended. Certainly there are situations where this will not be the result but a void in all of this is that most of the attention is on the child who is bullied. Don't misunderstand me they need a great deal of assistance. But doing therapy with many of these children I find it difficult to tell them how to get past this especially when there are few efforts to stop the bullying. We need to be addressing the bully and their families. Even if your child is not a target of a bully or you have no kids in schools the community should pull together to get this issue addressed and that means taking action about the children who bully. There are school shootings and suicides that can be traced back to bullying. In a society where we think we cherish children we need to not sit by and hope someone else will take action. Thank you for listening and please take action. Sherri

Teens, the Internet, and Porn

Today our teens are plugged into the internet in so many ways:  computers, smart phones, ipads, etc.  The internet is so easy to use and is so helpful in many ways.  Easy access to material helps all of us, and helps our teens with their academic work.

But is there any downside to fast easy access to material?  Pornography has become so easy for our teens to access, and this can lead to sexual preoccupations in our teen population.  Years ago, the access to  pornography usually came in the form of a magazine and those were not always easily accessible.  Today, your teen can enter so many websites and view pornography of all types.  

What are the implications of this?  Teens who are exposed early - prior to age 16 - are at high risk to engage in sexual behaviors.  And which teens are at highest risk?  Those with emotional issues such as depression, low self-esteem, addictive tendencies to name a few.  Teens who are socially isolated will also be at higher risk to enter the world of cybersex to feel more connected in some way.

Parents can help by checking their teen's computer history - and be prepared to talk with your teen if you find information tht indicates he or she has been on websites with sexual content. 

Dr. Debra

 

Weekend Family Challenge: How has school started?

Your teen has probably been back to school for about two to three weeks.  Long enough for him to have some idea about how his back to school year has started.  This weekend check in with him (or her) and ask how the classes have started.  Ask about any extracurricular activities or clubs with which he is involved.  Listen to him and let him know you are available if he needs help, but that you also want to be available just to hear how things are going.

Dr. Debra

THE HOMEWORK DEBACLE

Now that school has started just about everywhere there is the dilemma about homework and the role of parents in homework. We all want our children to do their best. We all want our children to excel. So how do we decide what the boundaries are for teenagers and school work? We have learned that teenagers want to make more of their own decisions and actually do better if given some of that decision making ability. We also want them to be on track for developing responsibility for their own behavior. This being said I believe that we need to allow teenagers to manage their homework process and schedule at least until they have messed up. If that does happen we then need to discuss with them what happened and how they plan to correct their approach. The sooner we move to this approach the better. If it is early enough we don't have to get into the worry about how important high school GPAs are for college applications. There may be times when we give consequences for playing video games and defaulting on homework or things like that. Mostly we are trying to guide our teens into managing this themselves. Occasionally I see college students where the parents are still managing homework. As you can imagine this is a much more serious matter. Good luck. Sherri

POWER STRUGGLES

It seems today, in my office, I have been talking to parents about power struggles with their teenagers. I learned a long time ago to never engage in a power struggle with a teenager. They are willing to fight to the death and I am usually not willing to go there. Somehow as parents we feel as if we need to argue an issue no matter what. When your teen is attempting to engage you in a power struggle it is okay to not fight back. Simply say I'm not willing to have this fight with you. It does not mean you give in only that you will not fight. The parents are (or should be) in charge. If you find yourself in this situation try this and see what happens. Expect that at first they will fight harder because when you get down and dirty with them they get the power. Don't back down. Good Luck. Sherri

LABOR DAY AND YOUR TEEN

Labor Day - the holiday we celebrate as the end of summer and a break for workers.  This holiday has bee present since 1882 in our country.  I cannot help but wonder if our teens know much about the origin of this holiday.  I think most of our teens see this holiday as a time to have fun before the hard work of the school year starts.  And labor day was meant as a time for relaxation and fun.  So I think you should encourage your teen to use the holiday for the purpose for which it was intended!  But also spend a little time talking with your teen about the importance of work.  Learning how to balance work with pleasure is an important lesson for our teens to learn.

School and Social Isolation

The school year is very new or just starting for your teen.  Many teens look forward to starting school to see friends they enjoyed being in class with last year.  I have heard some teens state that they feel "a little isolated" during the summer, but that their social life picks back up when school begins.  But what about the teen who struggles with social isolation?

Teens who struggle with making social connections may feel just the opposite:  a sense of comfort being home in their own world during the summer and a sense of anxiety about having to return to school and be around a lot of people.  Some teens are introverted individuals who do well with some friends but who do not want to have a lot of social popularity, and these are not the individuals I am referring to as socially isolated teens.  Socially isolated teens are those teens who may be introverted but who struggle with connecting with other teens and who feel isolated or apart from the teen world.  And teens struggling with this issue often want something to change but cannot see how to make that happen.

Helping your teen with social issues is always a challenge.  But looking at the beginning of school as an opportunity to change "your social life" can be a positive spin on the issue.  Try to help your teen analyze his school's social structure related to clubs and extracurricular activities.  And help him plan a strategy to enter one of those arenas.  He stands to gain some friends and a boost in self-esteem.  Encourage him to have the courage and be around to help him try again if one attempt is not successful.

Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: HOW IS SCHOOL?

Your teen either started school already or is looking to start next week.  Check in with him about what his expectations are about this school year.  Listen for concerns he may have as well as positive thoughts he has.  Help him think positively about the challenges he might face by identifying them and developing a strategy to make the challenges manageable.  Support the thoughts he has about what might be exciting about the school year. Include extra-curricular activities in your discussion such as sports and clubs.  Attitude can make a major difference at the beginning of school to the student and the teachers.

Dr. Debra

How Will I Ever Make it to College?

Teens are starting back to school this week or next.  Many teens express a lot of worries about starting back to school and the worries they have about how they will do in school academically.  I am seeing more and more teens who express worries about whether they can make good enough grades and test scores to go to college. 

What can you tell your teen who is starting back to high school and who also worries about how he will make it to college?  The first thing I would say for any high school student who is not starting his senior year is to focus on his day to day activities at school in order to do his best academically. 

For the students entering 9th through 11th grade.  I would work with my teen to set reasonable reachable goals for him academically.  I would also suggest evaluating his needs in regard to standardized testing - does he need to take a SAT prep course?  Does his school offer SAT preparation?  And look at his extracurricular activities with him.  Help him decide what he is interested in and help him find a way to volunteer in that area.  You might consider volunteering with him!

For the students entering 12th grade, much work has already occurred and college applications are now needing to be completed.  Help your teen organize the deadlines he has for his applications and assist him with this process.  And remind him that there are a number of colleges where he could learn and be  happy.  Make the process as interesting as you can as a way to aid in removing your teen's anxiety.

Dr. Debra

BACK TO SCHOOL TIME

Your teen is about to start back to school soon.  He is either trying to avoid the thought of returning to school or he is starting to make preparations to return to school.  Many teens try to not think about school starting - if your teen is one of these, how do you help him?  Ask your teen to make a list of all the things that need to happen so that he is ready on the first day of school.  Common list items might be "buy school supplies."  So ask him to check to see what his school supply list is or develop one.  Another item might be something along the lines of "get school uniforms out" or "get my clothes that meet dress code ready."  So ask him to do those things.  And if your teen had any summer reading or projects to do - check with him to see what his progress is.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in getting him ready to return to school is give him deadlines for tasks - and help him understand how to break those tasks down so that they are not overwhelming.  If your teen is about to start junior or senior year, hopefully he has mastered the return to school tasks and simply needs for you to check in with him to see that they are completed.

Good luck!

Dr Debra

 

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND INDEPENDENCE

Recently I have seen a few college students that have not been successful in their first year of college and returned home. They seem to feel that they did not know how to take care of themselves. This seems like this might be true for most college freshman but not actually. These young adults could not manage the transition to college and had to leave. As parents we need to help our kids develop these independent skills. They need to adjust to that separation from parents and be able to make decisions for themselves. It is a lot easier to do this now while they are still under your wing than after they have had to leave college. If you are a parent of a teenager that is not separating encourage independent decision making. (even when you are not happy with the decision) Give them chores to do so they can manage their own stuff. They need a checking account. They need to be doing their own laundry. They need to be deciding how to balance everything they have in their life. A parents you are not abandoning them, you are giving them freedom to succeed. Sherri

TRUTH TELLING

Today on my way to work I was listening to the radio and the host was speaking to Dan Ariely the author of The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie To Everyone Especially Ourselves. I have not read his book yet but in the short time I was listening it became obvious that we tend to lie about things more than I would like to think. If we live in a world where lying and cheating exists how do we guide our children into the value of truth telling? Obviously, we need to be role models. We also need to have frank talks with our children about when they tell the truth and what might or might not be considered an expectable lie. How do you explain the "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Our children are like video recorders to our lives and they pick up on all the things we do. Kids tell me all the time what they know about their families that parents think they are hiding from them. Think about this if you would. What values do you want your teenager to ground themselves with concerning truth telling? Sherri

RUN, HIDE, AND FIGHT: A LESSON FROM A HOUSTON VIDEO

I saw a video that the city of Houston, Texas had recently completed about how to respond in an emergency situation with a gunman.  The video shows a group of people who appear to be office workers talking together and organizing to assault a gunman when he comes through their door.  The information from the video is that it is better to organize and fight the gunman to try to survive.  Like "stop, drop, and roll", the phrase to remember if on fire, this catch phrase in a shooting emergency is "run, hide, and fight."  The thinking is that anyone who is shooting up the place with a gun needs to be avoided and then stopped.

Do you almost want to say "What is our world coming to these days?"  We should remember that this is a frightening topic, but thinking in advance about what to do in a crisis is always helpful for folks when they find themselves in that crisis.  The phrase "run, hide, and fight" might indeed help someone in a difficult situation in the future.

I am hoping that your teen never has to put this slogan into effect.

Dr. Debra 

BUSINESS AS USUAL????

If you did not get to Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about shooting and teenagers please go back and read this very thoughtful blog. Our teenagers today have so many stresses on them. They have shootings to worry about, they have to worry about war, about school bullying, about college and life choices. On top of the usual stresses of being a teenager they have real life issues to occupy their minds. I know this has always been true but it seems the life issues are more severe today and the media attention keeps it in our faces. I think that with so many real life issues in their faces it would be possible to view serious issues or events as "business as usual". We don't want them to normalize tragedy so consider taking Dr. Debra's advice about talking to your teenagers about these things when they occur. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

HOW DO WE RAISE GOLD MEDALISTS?

Obviously I do not feel we should raise a child to be a gold medalist but how do we raise our children in a manner that they have a sense of commitment and direction in their life. I see so many teenagers that have no hopes and dreams. They have no interests that they pursue. But worse I see so many young adults that don't work, do not go to college or are in college but have no idea what they are good at or what they might be interested in pursuing. I watching this as often as I do I think it relates back to guiding our teen into becoming good decision makers. Too often they have parents that are afraid to allow them to make their own decisions. Parents are afraid to allow them to learn by their mistakes or even to own their successes. They often have what Foster Cline called helicopter parents that control the decisions their teen makes and are afraid to turn thing over to them. These young adults have no drive of their own, are fearful they will let their parents down, are afraid they will fail, are afraid they will make the wrong decision (like there is only one right decision) among other things. As parents we should encourage our teens to try new things. We should celebrate success with them and be a good listener when they are unhappy with how a decision has worked out. We should tell them often that we believe in them. We should restrain ourselves from pushing them into a direction we think would be best for them. As parents it is difficult to watch them be unhappy or for things to not work out well. But the sooner we encourage the less the impact. Be brave enough to allow your child to fail.  Sherri

OLYMPIANS AND COMMITTMENT

I love to watch the Olympics. I love to see teenagers and young adults that have committed to their craft so well that they have reached this level of competing to be the best in the world. It is difficult to see the tears when they don't succeed and heartwarming to see the tears when the win. There are certainly examples of families that push that individual until they reach this level but mostly families sacrifice to reach this level. Mostly it is about the teenager making the commitment to become an expert at something they are good at and enjoy. I believe the 10,000 hour rule applies here. This rule says anyone can be an expert if they do something for 10,000 hours. I know that teenagers are not expected to do anything for 10,000 hours but I worry when I see so many teenagers and young adults that cannot make a commitment to anything. They do not have any interests, they do not have hopes and dreams for their future, and they are essentially lost. Tomorrow we will look at how parents can help with this. Sherri

Pornography and Addiction

Sherri wrote thoughtful blog about teens and porn.  Teens often become exposed to porn through the internet, but exposure can and often does occur in a variety of other ways.  Teens have media exposure to porn in the form of magazines, books, and television/movies.  And we can not discount the constant barrage of billboards, commercials, etc. which have pornographic undertones.

Addiction to any substance often occurs with gradual exposure and use of that substance.  With pornography, addiction begins with everyday media exposure to material which has undertones of pornograpy.  Over time, the teen becomes accustomed to the porn and will seek out other ways to increase his thrill from the material.  Magazines, movies, and the internet are the ways your teen may seek out porn. 

Many parents do not want to be a "policeman" but in this instance it is important to check your teen's phone and internet - you want to stop this cycle a soon as possible.

Dr. Debra

TEENAGERS AND PORN

I really love getting to live in this age of technology even though my daughters tell me I have a computer gremlin that follows me and gets into all my electronics. Beyond that, there are some parts of our lives not enriched by technology. One of these is the access to pornography. Anyone can access a pornography site inadvertently. Once this has been done other sites pop up and are easily opened. Our kids can easily access those sites. All teenagers are curious about sexuality. When these site open up it is easy to explore and find out things about sex. Obviously some kids go looking for these sites but most simply fall into them. As a result the number of teenagers addicted to pron is rising. So what's wrong with this? Human sexuality is about intimacy and connection. Porn sites demonstrate sexual acts that are not consistent with the norms of society and they present the idea that sexuality is about the goal of organism not the process. They objectify both men and women. When our teenagers are looking at porn they are not learning the lessons we might wish them to learn. I see young adults that come in to see me because their partner is requesting sexual acts that have not been in their concept of mutually gratifying sexuality. I believe much of this develops with a teenage obsession with porn. As parents when you are checking your child's phone and computer you might look for porn sites and have conversations with you teen about this issue. Sherri

BULLIED AND ISOLATING TEENS NEED SAFE PEER GROUP ACTIVITIES

Nothing is more heart breaking than seeing isolating kids that want peer involvement and for a variety of reasons they can't find a place to fit in. Sometimes they are so damaged by bullying that they don't even try since they just believe they will be bullied again. Their ability to trust is so damaged. During adolescence peer involvement is crucial. Parents may say just call a friend to come over. Frequently there is no friend to call or they are too worried that they may not be able to find anyone or the "friend" will say no. It might be helpful to help you teen find a teenage organization; volunteer, church youth group, service, interest group like camera club, explorer troop etc. It is to be a place where they can experiment with finding ways to fit in. If it is an active group where they have things to do not just sit around and talk that would be better. You must do this with their approval and interest. Help them understand that this is a place to try out new social skills to find ways to fit in better. It would be better to know if it is a fairly closed group socially before they try it out. It is also okay to tell them to try a group a few times before they decide it won't work. If they are willing to try this might help. Good luck. Sherri

Murders at "The Dark Knight Rises"

All of us are horrified by the murders at the Colorado movie theatre at the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" this past week.  Details are just now being released about the events of that evening.  We are hearing that a man opened fire at this premiere, killing 12 and wounding 59 people. 

Stories of bravery have been coming forth such as a man who leaped in front of the gunman, saving his girlfriend and her brother while he himself was killed.  Stories of fear and terror have been recounted by those who were present in the theatre.

Why and how did this happen?  I think all of us are asking that question today.  Places like movie theatres are considered safe places to go for everyone.  Now many families and teens are questioning whether it is safe to go anywhere after witnessing this horrible tragic event.

We do not know the motive or thoughts of the gunman.  Knowing this might help us understand what he was thinking, if he was seeking revenge for something, or if he was developing delusional thinking.  And sometimes understanding how something occurred can help all of us cope with fear and anger.

Talk to your teen about this.  Help him understand that we do not have answers as to how this happened, and that we need to gather more information.  Have him discuss with you how he feels about this and ask him if this has changed his thoughts about where or even if he is safe anywhere.

If is so important that we help our teen have a sense of being able to function in the outside world and not let them become paralyzed by events such as this.  But to do that we need to help them by talking with them and getting them to talk to us.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who did not survive this assault and with the survivors who were injured and witnessed this tragedy.

Dr. Debra

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES AMONG PEOPLE

Differences between people are items we all deal with in life.  Our differences - diversity - make life interesting and help us learn and broaden our way to viewing issues.  But diversity is something that teens may alternate between embracing and between shunning.  Because trying to understand diversity is not easy. 

Too many times in history we see events in which diversity was not only allowed, but diverse peoples were strongly discrimated against or even murdered.  The concentration camps ofGermany are a brutal reminder of how rapidly things can change when diversity is not embraced.    

Work with your teen to help him understand the importance of embracing and understanding differences among people.

 

Dr. Debra                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

HOW DO YOU INVOLVE THE SCHOOL WHEN YOU CHILD IS BEING BULLIED

I am seeing a teenager who is being bullied in her school system and has been for the past 4 years. Now that the school is opened for certain positions including counselors I contacted the school to speak to the school counselor. I am looking for the school counselor, the family and me to establish a plan to stop the bullying that is occurring to this child. It seemed that the position was vacant and there was no one for me to talk with so I was transferred to the registrar where I had to leave a message. I know families get this runaround when they have to address the issue of bullying with their child's school. As the parent know what strategies are open to you.

• Don't give up – be persistent but not hostile.
• Request a meeting
• Come prepared with a list of grievances
• Have suggestions for change
• Have specifics about the bullying that has occurred.
• If your school has a handbook which includes their policies on bullying make sure you have that information and have read it.

If your child is having this issue they need you to be their advocate. Just telling them to ignore the bully does not work. It has such a huge impact on that child's sense of self -worth they you need to get the school involved. Schools tend to try to ignore the issue of bullying. I always find it interesting that I frequently have the victims of bullying in my office but I have never had a teenager brought into therapy because they are the bully. I think this says it all. Sherri

CRITICAL THINKING AND YOUR TEEN

Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about life skills for tens was really good. If you have not yet looked at it check it out. I want to piggy back on her comments about critical thinking. Critical is so important. It is the skill that allows us to do higher level thinking. Sadly, it is not being taught enough in school in these days of the standardized test. You can encourage your child to do more critical thinking. When there is an issue, even a behavioral problem; encourage your teenager to think through the impact of what happened and the consequence. Some sample questions are: So how did that work out? What do you think should happen? What do you think you should do now? Do you have an idea about the answer? When schools encourage critical thinking they do so often by asking questions that the student has to think about to answer. If you get an "I don know." push further. Ask other probing questions to encourage them to think about the choices and how it impacts them and the greater world. This is a process and they are likely to NOT come up with what you may feel in the right answer. Don't give them an answer. There is frequently not one right answer. Sherri

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

This weekend you are back into ordinary time; no holiday until Labot Day.  We ahve been writing about your teen getting bored.  Why not do a check in to see if they are happy with their summer schedule and if not what they might do to change it. Have a great weekend.  Sherri

The Benefits of Being Bored

Sherri wrote a thoughtful commentary on teens being bored over the summer.  And she is right - about now, teens start getting bored during their summer vacations.  The suggestion of talking to your teen and suggesting volunteer work is a good idea.  And as parents we need to engage our teen and help him find positive ways to use his time.

I think that we should also let our teen have the experience of being "bored."  Boredom can be a positive motivator itself.  Teens will realize that they have to take responsibility for their own entertainment and for making choices about how they spend their time.  Many times we as parents think we are responsibility to always make sure our teen is either doing something that is good for them or doing something that they have fun doing.  But everyone finds a place and time where he feels bored - and learning how to manage that feeling is a good coping skill.

Be available to help your teen come up with ideas about how to deal with summer boredom - but let him do some of the work trying to resolve this himself.

Dr. Debra

ARE WE BORED YET?

We are now into summer break. This is starting to get to the time when kids are getting bored. Many kids do not have a very full summer schedule. If your children do I'm likely not talking to you. I always told my kids they needed to get a little bored so they were looking forward to going back to school. It helps if there is some routine to the summer activities. When parents are working outside the home there are not too many options. But either way kids need to have something fun to do if possible every week. This does not have to be an expensive trip to the local big amusement park. They also need a certain number of chores in the summer. Even if you are at work and they are at home it does not mean they should have to clean the entire house each week. There need to be ways they can see school friends in the summer. Some volunteer work in the summer is a really good idea. They should also have some time spent reading or something in that realm. Summer should be a balance of fun, friends, and work. If you are a stay at home parent. Know before long it will be over.

OUR TEENAGERS NEED TO KNOW WE ARE PROUD OF THEM

I recently heard a teenager inquire of his mother if she was proud of him for not having any cavities in the last three dental checkups. Her response was that why did he always need her to tell him she was proud of him. I see so many adults and teenagers that have needed to know they made their parents proud. In an assessment session I usually ask a teenager "When do you know that your parents are proud of you?" Some have lots of answers and other are dumbfounded. We live in a world were accurate, authentic positive feedback is sorely lacking. It costs very little to give this kind of feedback and the result is incredible. We worry that if we tell our children too many good things they will become conceited. I really don't believe that is how a child becomes self-absorbed. So what do you have to lose? Start giving lots of positive feedback and see what happens. Sherri

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra