Parenting with All the Pieces

Holiday Time is Here!

In a few weeks your teens will be out of school and ready to celebrate the holidays.  The reality is that many of our teens are "checking out" now from school due to holiday excitement.  How do we help them stay focused and also enjoy this time of year?

Help your teens by talking to them about a schedule for the next few weeks while they finish school assignments and study for mid-term exams.  Make sure they have something fun to look forward to each week - which will help them do the school-related tasks they need to do.  One way to keep them on track is to spend a few minutes each evening talking about upcoming holiday plans and reminding your teen that he/she will have free time soon.

Be sure to plan at least one fun event for your teen - watching holidays movies with friends and eating popcorn counts as a very positive fun event.  Be creative - and ask your teen for ideas.

And enjoy the season!

Dr. Debra

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

What do I mean?  Respect for others means listening politely when they express ideas with which you do not agree.  Respect describes a code of conduct where you value other people's right to think differently, to worship differently, and to live differently from the way in which you conduct yourself.  And respect is a reciprocal interaction, not a one-way street.   In our society today, which is so polarized, we hear that not following the party line means that we don't matter.  So how in the world do we teach our teens respect?

We teach our teens respect by pointing out to them that the adult members of our population, as exhibited frequently in our media, are woefully lacking in this virtue.  We teach them that even though our elected officials behave in a disrespectful manner to many members of our society, that this does not make their behavior the right behavior.  We model respect for them by the way in which we talk about others  - even those with whom we disagree.  We show respect in the highest form by listening, but not compromising our core values of integrity, respect, family values, and work.

By behaving in this manner and having open discussions with our teens, we will possibly earn their respect as well.

Dr. Debra

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Christmas is two weeks from today.  Your teen is wrapping up final exams and projects and looking forward to probably having time with his friends.  You probably have heard him talk about the fun things he is looking forward to doing when he is out on break.

Do you have any family traditions you usually do at Christmas?  Many families have activities they do each year like decorating the tree, viewing favorite movies, attending special church services.  Sometimes families just take these traditions for granted and do not realize that individual family members might find these important. 

Ask your teen what things the families does at Christmas time that he looks forward to doing.  Ask him what he would like to do as a family.  If you feel you do not have a Christmas tradition, the time is now to develop one!

Dr. Debra

 

FAILURE AND YOUR TEEN

Failure is one of a teen's greatest fears.  Teens think about failing at school, failing in relationships, failing in sports and extracurricular activities, and failing at life.  For a teen, not being successful at school and with friends means that he is a loser.  And this is his worst nightmare.

Who among us has not experienced failure?  I don't know one person who has managed to succeed at everything he has undertaken.  Not succeeding at a task can actually be a positive growth experience, although all of us hate to hear that phrase at the time.  Think about some event in your own life that did not work in the way you had wished.  Then think about what you learned from that experience.  As a parent, helping your teen learn that experiences that do not go the way you want can still be experiences that have value. 

Discuss your own experiences with your teen.  He may be more open to talking about his fear of failure once he realizes that everyone struggles with this at some point or the other.  But also remember that many times your teen just needs you to listen and reassure him.

Dr. Debra

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

Teens, the Internet, and Porn

Today our teens are plugged into the internet in so many ways:  computers, smart phones, ipads, etc.  The internet is so easy to use and is so helpful in many ways.  Easy access to material helps all of us, and helps our teens with their academic work.

But is there any downside to fast easy access to material?  Pornography has become so easy for our teens to access, and this can lead to sexual preoccupations in our teen population.  Years ago, the access to  pornography usually came in the form of a magazine and those were not always easily accessible.  Today, your teen can enter so many websites and view pornography of all types.  

What are the implications of this?  Teens who are exposed early - prior to age 16 - are at high risk to engage in sexual behaviors.  And which teens are at highest risk?  Those with emotional issues such as depression, low self-esteem, addictive tendencies to name a few.  Teens who are socially isolated will also be at higher risk to enter the world of cybersex to feel more connected in some way.

Parents can help by checking their teen's computer history - and be prepared to talk with your teen if you find information tht indicates he or she has been on websites with sexual content. 

Dr. Debra

 

Pornography and Addiction

Sherri wrote thoughtful blog about teens and porn.  Teens often become exposed to porn through the internet, but exposure can and often does occur in a variety of other ways.  Teens have media exposure to porn in the form of magazines, books, and television/movies.  And we can not discount the constant barrage of billboards, commercials, etc. which have pornographic undertones.

Addiction to any substance often occurs with gradual exposure and use of that substance.  With pornography, addiction begins with everyday media exposure to material which has undertones of pornograpy.  Over time, the teen becomes accustomed to the porn and will seek out other ways to increase his thrill from the material.  Magazines, movies, and the internet are the ways your teen may seek out porn. 

Many parents do not want to be a "policeman" but in this instance it is important to check your teen's phone and internet - you want to stop this cycle a soon as possible.

Dr. Debra

Murders at "The Dark Knight Rises"

All of us are horrified by the murders at the Colorado movie theatre at the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" this past week.  Details are just now being released about the events of that evening.  We are hearing that a man opened fire at this premiere, killing 12 and wounding 59 people. 

Stories of bravery have been coming forth such as a man who leaped in front of the gunman, saving his girlfriend and her brother while he himself was killed.  Stories of fear and terror have been recounted by those who were present in the theatre.

Why and how did this happen?  I think all of us are asking that question today.  Places like movie theatres are considered safe places to go for everyone.  Now many families and teens are questioning whether it is safe to go anywhere after witnessing this horrible tragic event.

We do not know the motive or thoughts of the gunman.  Knowing this might help us understand what he was thinking, if he was seeking revenge for something, or if he was developing delusional thinking.  And sometimes understanding how something occurred can help all of us cope with fear and anger.

Talk to your teen about this.  Help him understand that we do not have answers as to how this happened, and that we need to gather more information.  Have him discuss with you how he feels about this and ask him if this has changed his thoughts about where or even if he is safe anywhere.

If is so important that we help our teen have a sense of being able to function in the outside world and not let them become paralyzed by events such as this.  But to do that we need to help them by talking with them and getting them to talk to us.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who did not survive this assault and with the survivors who were injured and witnessed this tragedy.

Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about diversity and helping you teens develop understanding about differences. This weekend do something about diversity.  Watch a movie together; you can google movies about diversity and get a list, go to a museum of tolerence if it's available in your area  or somehting else that will stimulate a discussion.  Sherri    

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

Brave: Can a Disney movie impact your teen?

This weekend the Disney movie Brave opened.  Many parents took their young children to a new Disney movie and enjoyed the show.  Some teenagers attended the movie also, even though many teens did not see the movie since it is something that is they see as only entertaining to young children.

So does the movie Brave have anything to offer teens?  Absolutely!  This movie is focused on the relationship between a teen girl and her mother.  And the dynamics in the relationship could apply to any teen, male or female, and his or her parent. 

The movie shows how parents, even when very well-meaning, do not always actually listen to their teens and do not take into account that the teen is changing and becoming a young adult.  And the movie shows how the teen does not listen to the parent.  The consequences are very frightening to everyone.

But the lessons learned by both the teen and the parent help positive change occur in the relationship.

I hope you enjoy the movie!  And be sure to take your teen.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

3.)

TEENS AND MAKING DECISIONS

Sherri has given us a lot to think about in her recent posts. She has discussed how you think through issues with your teen about feelings and relationships. I think that we can carry this further with helping our teen think about decision making. If our teen does not learn how to handle "small decisions" then he will not be able to work through more important decisions later. I often tell teens that there are two decisions that will have great impact on their lives: 1) the education and training you receive to prepare you for a job – hopefully one you like and 2) the person you select as your mate. Either decision can have a major impact on your life. I believe people get to the place where they can effectively consier the pros/cons of relationships and work when they have learned as a teen to solve problems. Help your teen think about traits he or she would want in a boyfriend or future spouse and then talk to the about how they evaluate this information and make decisions. Do the same exercise with work and career. You will be amazed at how much discussion can start form this.

Dr. Debra

THE HUNGER GAMES

Tomorrow night is the midnight premiere of "The Hunger Games", a movie about teenagers who must fight to the death in an arena. Many teens have read the book series. Many teens will watch the movie. Do you know much about this new series? Many themes in the books are about loyalty to family, selflessness, and survival. These books will hopefully make your teen think about the things he/she has to be thankful for in his life. But I do think it would be important for teens to discuss the frightening parts of the book/movie such as how the government controlled whether a person lived or died. The themes of rebellion should be discussed as well. I strongly encourage you to either watch the movie or read the book if your teen has an interest in this. I think a lot can be discussed in a positive way with your teen and some very important topics are illustrated in this material. Dr. Debra

END OF THE YEAR REFLECTIONS

We are in the transition time between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Many people spend time during this week with family and friends. Retail businesses are busy with sales and exchanges. The holiday lights are still blazing at night, the holiday new movie releases are playing, and people are still making merry. Your teenager is off from school this week and probably enjoying texting his friends and spending time with friends. This is a time of year to enjoy the company of those you care about and to start thinking about how the year has been for you. For many this has been a difficult year - one of tough financial times, losses, fears about the future. But amongst those concerns have also been moments of joy and insight. Talk to your teen about how this year has been for him - discuss the things that have been positive and the things that have been negative. Help him think through how he might have handled the negative moments in a way that he feels O.K. about today. And be sure to praise him for how he has handled tough times and for his successes. This is the time of year to be thinking back before we move before into next year. Dr. Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

Back to School: Blues or Beginnings?

The end of summertime is nearing.  Many teens have started back to school this week or will start back next week.  Vacations are ending.  Sleeping late in the mornings will soon be a thing of the past.  Your teen may be feeling blue about the "end of freedom" and the tasks involved in restarting school.

But could your teen see this school year as a new beginning?  A time to think about priorities and set goals? 

How can we as parents help our teen be positive about the school year?  I would like you to think about a back-to-school tradition to establish with your teen.  One idea is to talk with your teen over the dinner table a week before school starts and ask him what things he would like to see be different this year and what things he sees from last year that he would like to continue.  Ask your teen how you can help him be successful in what he wants this school year.  Writing down his thoughts - goals, changes he wants to make, things to remain the same, can be extremely helpful.  Reviewing this with him a few weeks into school to see how he thinks he is doing and what he needs help with can help him also.

You have ideas of what would work best with your teen and your family.  I hope that your back to school tradition is something that you can use each year.

Dr. Debra

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have talked a lot about what parents and their reactions to teens due to their own backgrounds. 

This weekend, find a time to ask your teen what he or she likes most about their backgrounds.  Be sure to talk about what a "background" is comprised of :  ethnicity, religion, values, region of country, family history, etc.  Ask them why they like this.  You might be surprised about what you find out about your teen!  And you might be surprised about where the conversation leads you.

Dr Debra

 

Positive Use of Power

We hear about powerful people in the media every day.  How do we see these people as powerful?  Usually they are famous in some way, either by being elected officials, movie stars, or wealthy.  And we see some good ways they use their fame - by helping people in need or promoting a cause that will effect others in a good way. These good examples of positively using power can be witnessed in both our media but also in our community. 

Volunteering in causes such as Habitat for Humanity or missions gives hope to many.  Community service  performed by your teen can help him learn about using power for the good.  Parents modelling these behaviors make a great impact on our youth.

Talk to your teen about power - we all have it - and how we choose to use it.  All of us have the ability to be positive in each of our decisions.  Our positivity can change our environment for the betterment of everyone.  But remember, our teen learns a great deal by just watching our behaviors!

Dr. Debra

The Royal Wedding: Romance and Your Teen

The Royal Wedding - just like a fairy tale, the prince marries his beautiful princess.  Several million people tuned in to watch the royal wedding about three weeks ago.  Everyone has talked about how beautiful the bride is. And people like the idea of a romantic happy ending.

How do teens think about romance?  Teens may feel that romance is something wonderful, and that they hae a chance for their special relationship.  Other teens may feel cynical about romance, with thoughts that love and romance may be there for others, but not for themselves.

How do teens develop their ideas about romance?  Watching their parents and friends and reading information in the media shapes their ideas.  We may not think that we might be helping our teens develop their ideas of marriage by how we model our relationships.  But we do. 

Talk to your teen - asking their opinion of the Royal Wedding might open the door to find out how they view relationships and marriage.

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

DRINKING, DRUGS, AND YOUR TEEN

Sherri's post on drinking and driving last week made me think about how drinking affects our teens. Teens who drink are at risk for other behaviors which can be dangerous such as using drugs and having unprotected intercourse. 

It seems so easy - just have a little drink.  "Come on, just one beer."  And before you know it, your teen has had a few drinks and is very relaxed.  So when someone says "Come on, it is just a joint, just try it."  And your teen becomes even more relaxed after a little marijuana.  "Come on, everybody else does it, just try having a little fun."  And your teen is sexually active - and probably having unprotected sex - after all, "everybody does it."

Talking about this with your teen is very uncomfortable for almost all parents.  But maybe approaching this from a different angle might make it easier.  Research was published last year that shows that using marijuana as a teenager or young adult can actually cause changes in the brain that can make the user more at risk for psychotic and bipolar disorders.  Very few teens know this - and discussing the effects of drugs on the brain can be helpful to both educate your teen and to open the door to discussing what can happen when using alcohol and drugs. 

Teens do not realize that using alcohol and/or drugs can cause them to become disinhibited.  And losing one's inhibitions is not a good thing - especially when you are keeping company with other folks who have lost their inhibitions.  Discussing this concept with your teen can help him or her be more aware of when they may be vulnerable to peer pressure.  Role playing how you might handle a situation like this can help your teen as well.  If he has thought about how he might respond before such a situation occurs, he can handle the situation in a more positive way.

Always let your teen know that you are available to discuss tough topics like this - and that you are available to come and get him if he needs you.  An older movie "Less Than Zero" portrays the downward spiral a teen (played by a young Robert Downey, Jr.) gets into when he becomes involved in drug use.  This movie is a tough portrayal of what can happen to a teen using drugs.  You might think about watching this with your teen.

Dr. Debra

Oscar Night with your Teen: Becoming a Winner

Tonight is Oscar Night- a time in which many teens will be watching with friends and maybe family.  Our society places an emphasis on celebrities and their success.  Our teens receive messages about what success means.  And the movies that are nominated have messages to our teens about life and how to succeed.

What lessons can we help our teen learn from this annual event?  Talking about the content of the movies which are nominated is important.  You will have an opportunity to understand how your teen is interpreting messages from the movies - some of which may be very positive and some which may be negative.  Another topic for discussion is how your teen perceives the actors and actresses who are present at the event.  And probably the most important topic is what succeeding actually means. 

Everyone has his or her own definition of success.  I challenge you to really think about what is important and how this pertains to being successful.  And be certain to discuss this with your teen.  I have seen many a teenager become derailed from happiness because he did not think he was being "successful."

Enjoy talking with your teen about this topic - you might be pleasantly surprised about how your teen views this.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

Rewarding Good Decision Making

We have talked about your teen and decision making this week.  Making decisions is something everyone has to learn.  And being able to make good, well thought out decisions is a skill that will help your teen in all areas of his life.  

So how do we help our teen with decision making?  Listening to their decision points is very important.  Don't jump in too quickly to tell your teen what he should do, even though the answer seems so obvious to you.  Instead, sit back and watch how they debate what they should do.  If you are asked, help them think through the pros and cons of each decision rather than telling them what you think is the best answer for their situation. 

And once those decisions are made, be supportive of your teen's positive choices.  When you see your teen make a good decision, reward his choice by letting him know you think he chose well.  You might ask him if he would like to celebrate by watching a movie, or going to the museum, or ballgame, or whatever you and your teen's imagination might take you.

Dr. Debra

Rewarding Good Decision Making

We have talked about your teen and decision making this week.  Making decisions is something everyone has to learn.  And being able to make good, well thought out decisions is a skill that will help your teen in all areas of his life.  

So how do we help our teen with decision making?  Listening to their decision points is very important.  Don't jump in too quickly to tell your teen what he should do, even though the answer seems so obvious to you.  Instead, sit back and watch how they debate what they should do.  If you are asked, help them think through the pros and cons of each decision rather than telling them what you think is the best answer for their situation. 

And once those decisions are made, be supportive of your teen's positive choices.  When you see your teen make a good decision, reward his choice by letting him know you think he chose well.  You might ask him if he would like to celebrate by watching a movie, or going to the museum, or ballgame, or whatever you and your teen's imagination might take you.

Dr. Debra

Does your teen remind you of Rudolph?

Sherri's blogs about the Grinch have caused me to think about all the traditional holiday shows that we watch this time of year.  My favorite is "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."  As I thought about the show, I was struck at the issues played out and how those issues are the very ones that our teens cope with every day.

Rudolph starts his life by being different - and his difference ( shining red nose) causes his father to feel embarrassed to the point that Rudolph's Dad tries to cover the difference.  Rudolph leaves home because he feels he does not fit in with his family or peers.  Through his struggles Rudolph develops confidence and finds a way to use his difference in a positive way. 

All teens are like Rudolph in that at some time they feel they don't belong or that they are different from their peers.  Feeling different is a part of trying to determine who you are - which is one of the main tasks of adolescence.  As parents we have to think of how to help our teen with these feelings - and Rudolph's Dad could have handled things differently by not trying to make his teen cover his difference.  None of us want our teen to feel he has to leave because he does not fit in with the family.  Helping our teen think through how he or she is "different" is a way to help him feel supported. 

I encourage you to help your teen talk to you about his differences.  Watching Rudolph might be a way to stimulate that conversation. 

Dr. Debra

Arguments and the Holidays

Do people in your family have arguments over the holiday season?  If so, you are one of many.  Why do arguments occur at this time of year - isn't everything "magical" during this season?  I think the expectation for everything to be special can often lead to arguments.  People set their expections to be at a very high level for everyone in the family.  Teens can often feel the tension and can react in an irritable manner which can worsen arguments.

So what are the arguments usually about during holiday time?  How much time you spend and with which family members can be a dilemma. What holiday events are the ones people want to attend - conflict can occur when different family members have different expectations as to who will accompany them to office parties, etc.  And for the teen - how much time does he get to spend with his friends?  So time becomes a major factor during this time of year. 

Another topic of argument can be who does what chores - chores increase with Christmas decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, cooking for open houses or school activities.  Who has time to add in those chores?  This is often the time of year that your teen says "I have so much school work to do there is no way I can help with anything else." 

I think it all goes back to expectations.  What does your teen expect from the holidays and his family?  And what does the family expect from the holidays and your teen?  I think as parents we have to be clear about what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.  For example, some family time needs to be special and protected - but perhaps we can compromise on how much time we allow our teen to have with peers versus family.

After all, the most important expectation is that family members remember the reason for the season - and have some fun with each other during this time.

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Each week Sherri or I will post a weekend challenge.  This week's weekend challenge involves Thanksgiving, which is just around the corner.

Talk to your teen and get his idea of something that he would like to do with the family over the Thanksgiving break.  This can be something as simple as playing a game, watching a favorite holiday DVD, taking a walk, or making a favorite snack.  Plan with your teen using his idea for this activity.

Ask your teen to think of one thing she is thankful for this year, and ask her to express it over Thanksgiving dinner.  And plan on something you can mention you are thankful for as well!

Enjoy the challenge.

Dr. Debra

 

Thanksgiving and Family Faith Traditions

The Thanksgiving holiday is almost upon us.  The time of year to give thanks for our blessings is here.  For many families this is a time in which we enjoy each other's company and reflect upon the past year.  We should start thinking about what our faith traditions reflect to us and how we convey this to our teen.

Thanksgiving is a unique holiday in that it is an American holiday.  The day involves a meal with family and friends celebrating the year and giving thanks.  We celebrate American traditions, family traditions, and faith traditions at this time.  Unlike many other holidays, no gifts are exchanged.  Instead, we exchange time with each other - which can be a gift of tremendous value.  This is a good time to share family stories and reflect upon the values which have been important to the family.

What do we want our teens to remember from Thanksgiving days with the family?  What traditions do we want our teens to take with them as they leave home?  Now is the time to be thinking about this.  Many families take a moment for each person to express thanks for something from the year.  The Thanksgiving table is a good place to share these reflections. 

Think about letting your teen know your thanks that he is in your life.

Dr. Debra

Halloween and Your Teen

Halloween is almost upon us - and soon to be followed by other holidays.  Parents should be thinking now about how they will spend the holiday season with their teens.  But we should focus on Halloween first.

Some families have developed a routine for Halloween in which their children (in the preteen years) go trick-or-treating, often in the neighborhood.  Other families have a tradition of taking their children to a Halloween or Fall Festival as a way of celebrating the holiday.  And other families might gather their children's friends to come to the home and watch movies and play games.  All of these traditions are ones which families enjoyed for their children's preteen years.

Should the tradition change when the children become teenagers?  Parents should think about the safety and interests of their teens.  Most teens are not interested in trick-or-treating in that they feel they are "too old"; and indeed many people become a little nervous when they open their door to see a teenager standing there asking for candy. 

Talk to your teen about how they might want to spend Halloween evening.  They may have some ideas you have not considered.  Letting them have some impact upon how they spend this time could help you learn more about their interests.  You and your teen might develop a new tradition for Halloween. 

Happy Halloween!

Dr. Debra

 

 

How does your teen communicate?

Many parents might answer the above question by stating their teen texts to communicate.  Parents of some teenage boys I know would say that their son communicates in monosyllables.  And some parents would say that their daughter is chattering nonstop about trivial matters.

So how does your teen communicate?  I think each of us parents should stop to think about this question - does our teen tell us what is going on, write to us (texts), or communicates nonverbally (facial expressions, withdrawing).  Some teens might use a combination of ways in which to communicate with us.  But we should figure out what our teen's primary source of communication is - because that is the mode in which he or she will best hear us when we need to communicate with them.

Another aspect of teen communication these days is that they communicate in sound bytes.  Although this might be effective, the downside is that they don't take the time to notice nonverbal nuances in conversation.  Surprisingly, I have found that some very bright teens don't pick up on changes in facial expression or change in tone of voice when they are communicating.  Why is this significant?  Because sometimes nonverbal communication gives big cues as to what is happening with another person - which could be quite important if the person with whom you are interacting is becoming angry and you are unaware of that.  Your teen might find himself on the floor because he did not pick up on the fact that the guy he was talking to about some sports game felt insulted by the discussion. 

Try this sometime - while watching television or a movie ask your teen what the character might be feeling when you are noting significant nonverbal communication.  This might be a good teaching moment for your teen.  We parents might not be as fast at texting, but we have a lot of experience at interpreting the full range of human communication.

Food for thought.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

Empathy, Understanding, and Your Teen

Empathy - the ability to understand how another person may feel in a situation - is an important concept for our teens to develop.  Being able to understand others feelings helps your teen think about interactions and relationships on a different level.  Your teen will have healthier relationships when he is able to show empathy for others; hopefully, he will wish to have relationships with teens who show him empathy also.

Can we help our teens learn how to develop empathy?  I have two suggestions to help your teen with this - and I believe that the earlier you start this, the better the outcome.  First, help your teen develop empathy by showing him empathy.  Talk about how you think he might be feeling about a situation and be sure to comment on both positive (happy, excited)  feelings as well as negative (sad,angry) feelings. Your comments will help your teen reflect upon his reactions - and he will note how he feels when others are in tune with him.  Another way you can help your teen is by watching television shows or movies and pausing the show when a character is experiencing a strong emotional response.  Ask your teen to identify the feeling state of the character and to talk about why that person might be feeling that way.  You might be surprised as to the conversation that might develop around this.

Talking about feelings is another way your can help your teen develop into a happy adult.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

 

Remembering 9/11 with your Teen

Today marks the ninth anniversary of the horrific tragedy which occurred in New York City and the Pentagon.  I bet all of us remember where we were when we heard about the planes hitting the twin towers.  The images we witnessed in the media are burned into our memories forever.  And I still feel the pain for all those who lost loved ones - the lives which were extinguished much too early.  The impact on our country still reverberates across time.

How do our teens remember that time?  My teen was in kindergarten that day; I had dropped her at school and was driving to work when I heard the radio report.  I stopped my car to listen, then called her school.  The school was going to conduct business as usual, and they have a safety plan in event of emergency; also the school was some distance from the center of the city.  I decided school was a safe place that day.  The lower school children were not told about the tragedy; the older children were brought into the auditorium and told by the school.

That being said... my child has no memory of 9/11.  I purposefully did not let her watch the news because I was concerned about her developing anxiety.  Over the years, she has learned about 9/11 from me, other family members, and school where they have studied the events.

But today I decided she was old enough to talk about what 9/11 meant emotionally to Americans and how this has impacted so many families and continues to have impact today.  I recounted to her my own experience from that day and the experiences of others I know who were in New York - one woman who escaped from the building.  And the experiences of others I know  of those who lost loved ones. And the extreme bravery exhibited by many of Americans that day.  And I talked to her about airspace being shut down and the prevailing fear in America. 

My teen was able to talk about all of this and she asked great questions.  This opened the door to a broader discussion of how one reacts in a crisis.  I found this interaction to be a positive one for her -  and I was impressed by her ability to show empathy for all involved.

I would like to encourage you to talk with your teen about your memories of this day.  You may find this to be an opportunity to help your teen develop critical thinking about events and ways to respond.  We never know when he or she may need them.

I write this in remembrance of all those who lost their lives that day.  I write this in remembrance of the brave acts we all saw from our countrymen.  Let us make sure our adolescents know.

From the heart,

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

School Transitions into Summer

School is about to be over for the summer.  Teens everywhere are already "checked out" from school.  How will their summer break go for them?

As parents of teens, having a checklist for those "checked out" teens can help the summer be a positive time for them and you.

1. Help your teen finish his school year on a positive note.  Encourage him to organize and study for finals and turn in remaining homework and projects.  One way to help is to plan something fun to do when school is finished for him to look forward to doing. 

2.  Think with your teen about what activities would help him most this summer in terms of his goals.  A job can be helpful not only to earn money, but to build a resume for further education or for more jobs.  A summer camp in an area of interest - such as the theatre, music, or science can be helpful in strengthening academics or areas of interest. 

3.  Physical activity is a must for summer!  Exercise is helpful not only for health, but also helpful for any sports your teen might engage in when school returns.

4.  And don't forget about FUN - plan fun activities that you can do as a family - and include your teen in the planning.  Picnics, visiting nearby parks, attending summer concerts or other events in your community can be fun for everyone.

Have a great summer!

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.