Parenting with All the Pieces

Holiday Time is Here!

In a few weeks your teens will be out of school and ready to celebrate the holidays.  The reality is that many of our teens are "checking out" now from school due to holiday excitement.  How do we help them stay focused and also enjoy this time of year?

Help your teens by talking to them about a schedule for the next few weeks while they finish school assignments and study for mid-term exams.  Make sure they have something fun to look forward to each week - which will help them do the school-related tasks they need to do.  One way to keep them on track is to spend a few minutes each evening talking about upcoming holiday plans and reminding your teen that he/she will have free time soon.

Be sure to plan at least one fun event for your teen - watching holidays movies with friends and eating popcorn counts as a very positive fun event.  Be creative - and ask your teen for ideas.

And enjoy the season!

Dr. Debra

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Christmas is two weeks from today.  Your teen is wrapping up final exams and projects and looking forward to probably having time with his friends.  You probably have heard him talk about the fun things he is looking forward to doing when he is out on break.

Do you have any family traditions you usually do at Christmas?  Many families have activities they do each year like decorating the tree, viewing favorite movies, attending special church services.  Sometimes families just take these traditions for granted and do not realize that individual family members might find these important. 

Ask your teen what things the families does at Christmas time that he looks forward to doing.  Ask him what he would like to do as a family.  If you feel you do not have a Christmas tradition, the time is now to develop one!

Dr. Debra

 

After Thanksgiving: Black Friday

Today is Thanksgiving.  I hope that all of you had a pleasant day with your family and enjoyed relaxation, fellowship, and good food. Our American holiday of giving thanks is an important tradition. 

Tomorrow is Black Friday - a more modern American tradition.  This day marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.  I often find irony in the fact that we spend one day giving thanks and interacting peacefully to then shift into a mad race to find the best merchandise in holiday sales!  Nevertheless, our retailers find this day important for their businesses and many folks are able to find gifts and items at better prices than they can at other times of the year.

So what does this mean for your teen?  Black Friday could be a time to help your teen learn to shop effectively and get the biggest bang for his buck.  And while you are doing that, be sure to help him s treat people in a positive manner such as being courteous in long lines! 

Dr. Debra

TEENAGERS AND DRINKING

Some studies done by NIAAA (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism) have shown the following, 2012

Prevalence in 8th graders:

51.7% have tried alcohol

43.1% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

25.1% have been drunk

15.2% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

Prevalence in 10th graders:

70.6% have tried alcohol

63.7% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

48.9% have been drunk

25.6% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

1.9% have been daily drinking for at least 1 month at some point in their lives

Prevalence in 12th graders:

80% have tried alcohol

73.8% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

62.3% have been drunk

30.8% binge drank in the past 2 weeks

3.6% use alcohol daily

Here are some statistics on drinking in adolescence. These figures do not include college drinking stats. I recently had a college student tell me that she could not give up drinking. "It just wasn't her." Having fun is equated with drinking in many instances. You can't "party" without alcohol. It is true and the above stats point out that not all teens are drinking and most are not drinking all the time. But for those that are this is a significant problem. Consensual sex, date rape and rape are more common when drinking is involved. Teenagers run the risk of addiction at this early age. There is also certainly the issue of driving under the influence.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know. My attention here is as parents what is your role? I believe that at an early age likely in early middle school you need to start talking to your teens about drinking; the dangers, risks etc. Don't make this a weekly thing but keep the lines of communication open. As you kids enter high school help them problem solve what to do when they find themselves at an event where there is drinking. Don't lecture but help them, problem solve. Tell them you will never condone drinking but if they drink they are to tell you. To many parents use the philosophy of don't ask don't tell. They are never to drink and drive or to get into a car with anyone that has had a drink. If they call you for a ride they won't be "in trouble". When my daughter was a teenager she seldom drank but as a senior she did on a few occasions and would tell me prior to the party that there would be drinking and what the plan was to be safe. She knew I did not condone drinking but I also needed to know.

The biggest issue I find concerning parents of teenagers that are drinking is that parents bury their head in the sand. Kids will tell me this is what I do to sneak into the house and my parents don't suspect I have been drinking. I don't think parents have to be hyper vigilant, just observant and keep the lines of communication open. It may have become a standard that kids will drink but I am unwilling to accept that standard and think as parents we need to do our part with our children to help change the tide.

Sherri

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

BACK TO SCHOOL TIME

Your teen is about to start back to school soon.  He is either trying to avoid the thought of returning to school or he is starting to make preparations to return to school.  Many teens try to not think about school starting - if your teen is one of these, how do you help him?  Ask your teen to make a list of all the things that need to happen so that he is ready on the first day of school.  Common list items might be "buy school supplies."  So ask him to check to see what his school supply list is or develop one.  Another item might be something along the lines of "get school uniforms out" or "get my clothes that meet dress code ready."  So ask him to do those things.  And if your teen had any summer reading or projects to do - check with him to see what his progress is.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in getting him ready to return to school is give him deadlines for tasks - and help him understand how to break those tasks down so that they are not overwhelming.  If your teen is about to start junior or senior year, hopefully he has mastered the return to school tasks and simply needs for you to check in with him to see that they are completed.

Good luck!

Dr Debra

 

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

REBUILDING TRUST

In the course of raising teenagers there are times that they will lose your trust. (For the record, there are also times when you will lose their trust.) But, back to the issue at hand. When you teen has made a decision that caused you to lose trust there needs to be a plan to earn back the trust. I hear teens tell me that a parent has told them "I will never be able to trust you again." If you will think about this as your teenager making an inappropriate choice it will be easier to begin to rebuild the trust. I do this sort of like doing a contract for behavior. Look at what was the poor decision, what were the consequences, what needs to be done differently in the future. This is not something you have to do by yourself. This should be a discussion between parent(s) and teen. Together you can develop the steps to rebuilding the trust. For example, I tell teens that broke trust by drinking, to obviously not drink but if they mess up to go home and tell their parents that they had a beer. There will be s consequence for drinking but it will be less because they owned up to the mistake. If they drink, don't tell and get caught the trust meter goes back to the beginning. Give this a try. If you get stuck make a comment and we will look at the issues you are having. Thanks Sherri

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Many friends are getting together to celebrate the beginning of a new year, 2012. The holiday season will be ending in an evening of merriment. Your teen probably will be seeing his friends as well. Tomorrow, the last day of 2011, try to take a few moments to think about what has been positive about the past year. Talk to your teen and help him reflect. If he is going out with friends, remind him about the importance of not drinking and driving, and how unsafe the roads can be on New Year's Eve because of all the folks who do drink and drive. Talk to him about his hopes for the new year, for 2012. And be sure to have a good time as we end the holiday season! Dr. Debra

SOLVE PROBLEMS ON A FULL STOMACH

This may be quite obvious to most of you, but I still see teen patients whose parents do not think about how irritable a hungry teen can be! And those same parents are surprised when their conversations do not get any response from the teenager. Teens cannot think well when hungry - and this reflects back to the neurochemistry that Sherri referenced. After eating, dopamine is released from the brain and the person who just ate feels a sense of well-being and calmness. This is probably the very best time to discuss problematic areas and how problem-solving can occur. Just remember, wait until after dinner not before to deal with important issues. Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge

This week Sherri has blogged about the teenage brain. She has emphasized how teenagers seek out the thrill that occurs with high-risk behaviors. Many of their behaviors have to do with seeking out this thrill, or reward - and brain chemistry is an important factor. Take a moment this weekend to talk about why your teen seeks out thrills with him. Help him think through the consequences of high-risk behaviors. Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Try to talk with your teen once this weekend about an interest of his that you perceive as important to him. Find out more about why this is a special interest to him and how his interest is a positive force in his life. Perhaps you might want to share with your teen something about a special interest of yours!Dr Debra

Unhappy Teens

Sherri wrote an excellent blog about American children being only second to British children in unhappiness. What an eye-opener this was to me! We are an advanced nation which offers so much in opportunities. As I began to think about this, I started to realize that our teens are so over-scheduled.

How can we help our teens learn to be if not happy, perhaps content with their lives? I think that the first thing we do is try to model balance and happiness for our teens. How often to they hear us griping about our jobs or not having enough money or other issues in our lives? Probably too often considering the stressors parents face. Perhaps if we began to look at the things in our lives for which we are grateful and start expressing those sentiments our teens might start thinking differently about their lives.

Help your teen identify the things in his life for which he is grateful: food to eat, a roof over his head, clothes to wear, a school to attend, a parent(s) who care about him, friends. All of these things are frequently taken for granted by people who have them. But the absence of these things makes us realize that we should have realized we have so much to be happy about every day.

Life is full of difficulties. Identifying the things in life which help us get through helps us become happy. And isn't that what we want for our children?

Dr Debra

 

Back to School: Blues or Beginnings?

The end of summertime is nearing.  Many teens have started back to school this week or will start back next week.  Vacations are ending.  Sleeping late in the mornings will soon be a thing of the past.  Your teen may be feeling blue about the "end of freedom" and the tasks involved in restarting school.

But could your teen see this school year as a new beginning?  A time to think about priorities and set goals? 

How can we as parents help our teen be positive about the school year?  I would like you to think about a back-to-school tradition to establish with your teen.  One idea is to talk with your teen over the dinner table a week before school starts and ask him what things he would like to see be different this year and what things he sees from last year that he would like to continue.  Ask your teen how you can help him be successful in what he wants this school year.  Writing down his thoughts - goals, changes he wants to make, things to remain the same, can be extremely helpful.  Reviewing this with him a few weeks into school to see how he thinks he is doing and what he needs help with can help him also.

You have ideas of what would work best with your teen and your family.  I hope that your back to school tradition is something that you can use each year.

Dr. Debra

July 4th: Freedom and Fun

Today is July 4th!  The day which celebrates our American independence.  Today is a day for remembering those who sacrificed that we may live free.  And today is also a day for our teens to understand that part of freedom is having fun as we celebrate.

Sherri has commented that we should celebrate more with our family.  Celebration and fun is so important.  Our teens will remember July 4th as a time in which family enjoyed each other, had good food, and hopefully talked about why July 4 is such an important day for us.  I find that many teens do not seem to know much about our history - this day offers an opportunity to talk about that a bit.

But whatever you do today, have safe fun.  Many areas have been under a burn ban and are not safe to light firecrackers today.  Please be mindful of the need to be safe today. 

Happy July 4th to you and your family.

Dr. Debra

 

Celebrate Independence: July 4th Holiday

Juy 4th is just around the corner.  This holiday holds such significance for us as it marks our country's independence.  I cannot help but think that we should be celebrating our country's independence and discussing the importance of American independence with our teens. 

My perspective on the value of our independence has been shaped by listening to the stories of my parents and grandparents as they discussed our heritage.  Members of my family have fought in wars for American freedom since the Revolutionary War.  Listening to the sacrifices made by my ancestors for our freedom - so that I could live free  - has made me realize my debt of gratitude to the people who have come before me.

Sharing this information with our teens is invaluable to help them realize the importance of maintaining our freedom and independence.  And this also provides an opportunity to talk about the responsibilities involved in being independent - both as a nation and as an individual. 

While thinking about the meaning of this holiday, also think about having fun.  After all, our ancestors would want us to celebrate.  They fought to give us that opportunity.

Dr Debra

Essential Competencies: Preparing Your Teen

We have talked a lot about working with your teen to help him or her prepare to leave home for school or work.  Talking to your teen is important to prepare him by helping him think about this process.

What else is important besides talking to your teen?

Establishing competency is essential.  By establishing competencies, I mean teaching and preparing your teen to be able to make his way without you.  Essential competencies include the following:

1.  Self-care:  personal hygiene includes also being able to do laundry, make your bed, clean a bathroom.  You would be amazed at how many teens do not know how to do these things - often because a parent does this for them and never teaches them.

2.  Meal Planning and Food Preparation:  can your teen figure out what to cook?  Does he know how?  Every teen should be able to plan at least five basic meals that he can shop for and prepare. 

3.  Managing Money:  does your teen have a bank account?  A debit card?  A teen needs to know how to make a budget, balance his checking account, and keep up with debit transactions.

4.  Car Care:  will your teen be taking an automobile with him?  Does he know how to change a tire?  Does he know how often his oil needs to be changed?  Does he know about where to take his car for routine maintenance?  You would be amazed how many adults do not think about this until something goes wrong - like a flat tire.

5.  Time Management:  can your teen understand how to "budget" his time for study or work?  And for all those tasks he needs to do for activities of daily living?  And for basic essentials - like sleep?

These are just a few things to think about - essential competencies - for any teenager.

Let me know of other important competencies that I did not list here - I need to add them to the list for my teen!

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SUMMER VACATION

Memorial Day weekend is upon us.  This holiday in remembrance of others is the marker for the beginning of summer.  School is already out or is about to be out soon.  Families spend this weekend often having backyard barbecues and hanging out and enjoying each other's company. 

Summer is a time for relaxation and vacations.  But is that the only way to use this time?  Having fun should be a definite priority this time or year, but so should working on goals you have laid to the side while you plow through the school year.  For some teens, this means that they can participate in activities that give them a better idea of what studies they may wish to pursue upon graduation.  For others, this means that they may spend some time working on fitness, volunteer work, a job, and spiritual development.

The family weekend challenge is to start talking with your teen about how he will spend the summer - both in fun and in other pursuits.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Dr. Debra

Graduation Time

This month marks many graduation celebrities in high schools and colleges.  Students and their families are excited about the ending of this phase of their life.  Many people look ahead with anticipation; and may also look back with longing about the past.

How should we help our family move forward in a positive way at graduation time?  Reminiscing about the past experiences is healthy and should be done. Talking with each other - looking at old photos - and remembering the fun times as well as the challenging times is a good way for family members to look at this transition time.  Talking about the future and the positive things we may experience as we move forward is very helpful for young adults embarking on work or further education. 

Dr. Seuss says it best in "Oh, the Places You'll Go".  he talks about the excitement in moving forward in life and all the happiness to come.  But he also talks about the Bang-Ups and Hang-Ups people face. 

Reassure your young adult that there will be bumps in the road, and that you will be there to help them navigate them.

Congratulations!

Dr. Debra

THE BUDGET DEFICIT: HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT MONEY

We see headlines on a regular basis informing us of the huge budget deficit our country faces.  The amount of debt is staggering.  How do we even explain this to our teens when it is hard for us to understand it?  The first step is to go back to basics and try to understand how one gets in debt.

Help your teen understand the importance of living within your budget.  A common mistake many people make - and our country has made - is to live on credit.  Developing a budget involves understanding costs, anticipating future needs, and preparing for those needs.  You might be surprised at how little your teen understands about the basic cost of his everyday needs.

Start a budget with your teen related to his immediate needs.  This is a good way to help him never have his own personal budget deficit in the future.

Dr. Debra

Mother's Day: Celebration of the Family

Mother's Day is a day in which we honor mothers.  Many families may do something together such as having breakfast or brunch, or attending church or some other event.  Celebration occurs for mothers, but a bigger celebration of family is taking place.  By taking time to think about mothers, the entire family can reflect on the connections the family has with each other.

All families have positive memories and things to celebrate.  Too often we get caught up in the stressors of hard times or day-to-day life and forget to honor those important connections we have with our family.  Remembering each other and some of those positive memories can enhance communication between family members.

I encourage parents to keep notes about cherished memories they have of their family and children.  Reviewing those notes during difficult times can help us keep things in perspective.

But for today, celebrate the family!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend spend some time with your teen talking about the end of school and the approach of summer.  Ask your teen what he would like to do this summer for fun and for work - whether volunteer or employed.  Ask your teen to set a deadline for when he will make inquiries into some work.  And talk with him about the positive benefits of working this summer. 

Helping your teen start planning for summer now will help him make the most of his summer.

Dr. Debra

 

 

EASTER, PASSOVER, AND YOUR FAMILY VALUES

Easter is indeed a time of new beginnings, as Sherri talked about in her last blog.  All of us should take an inventory of how we are interacting with others and try to determine if we need to make changes.  This is especially true of our interactions with our teens. 

I would like to suggest that as parents we stop and look at our family values and how that has shaped our values.  As Christians we celebrate Easter at this time.  This year, our Jewish friends are currently celebrating Passover.  Reflecting on what each of those religous celebrations signify is very important at this time.  Think about what values you would like your teen to take from this celebration.

Before you start outlining family values to your teen, let your teen explain to you how he sees this season of religious celebration.  You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that he has absorbed family values raealated to this time.

Happy Easter and Passover to your families,

Dr. Debra

SPRING CELEBRATIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Spring has arrived!  Many positives come with Spring  which is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and religious celebrations.  Spring also indicates that summer is just around the corner and school is ending for the year.  What an exciting time in the life of your teen!

A special challenge for this time involves having fun, letting yourself enjoy all the beauty of spring, and balancing responsibilities involved with ending the school year.  Add into that equation celebrating religious holidays and you have a recipe for a busy but energizing season. 

I have found Spring to be a great time to sit down with your teen and revisit New Year's resolutions.  Looking at what you have accomplished and what you still need to move forward on can be helpful - this teaches your teen that it is OK to make progress, reassess, and figure out where to go from there.  Spring is a time of renewal - and renewing your goals can be a real positive. 

Renewing your spirit is probably the most important aspect of Spring.  For Christians, Easter is a celebration of the very basic belief of death, resurrection, and salvation.  I find for Christian families this reminder of faith can be helpful in building cohesion among family members and strenghtening faith.

So in this season of renewal and faith what else should your teen be thinking of - finishing school on a positive note.  Encourage your teen to balance fun with responsibility.  As a parent this is one of the most important things you can teach your teen.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

DRINKING, DRUGS, AND YOUR TEEN

Sherri's post on drinking and driving last week made me think about how drinking affects our teens. Teens who drink are at risk for other behaviors which can be dangerous such as using drugs and having unprotected intercourse. 

It seems so easy - just have a little drink.  "Come on, just one beer."  And before you know it, your teen has had a few drinks and is very relaxed.  So when someone says "Come on, it is just a joint, just try it."  And your teen becomes even more relaxed after a little marijuana.  "Come on, everybody else does it, just try having a little fun."  And your teen is sexually active - and probably having unprotected sex - after all, "everybody does it."

Talking about this with your teen is very uncomfortable for almost all parents.  But maybe approaching this from a different angle might make it easier.  Research was published last year that shows that using marijuana as a teenager or young adult can actually cause changes in the brain that can make the user more at risk for psychotic and bipolar disorders.  Very few teens know this - and discussing the effects of drugs on the brain can be helpful to both educate your teen and to open the door to discussing what can happen when using alcohol and drugs. 

Teens do not realize that using alcohol and/or drugs can cause them to become disinhibited.  And losing one's inhibitions is not a good thing - especially when you are keeping company with other folks who have lost their inhibitions.  Discussing this concept with your teen can help him or her be more aware of when they may be vulnerable to peer pressure.  Role playing how you might handle a situation like this can help your teen as well.  If he has thought about how he might respond before such a situation occurs, he can handle the situation in a more positive way.

Always let your teen know that you are available to discuss tough topics like this - and that you are available to come and get him if he needs you.  An older movie "Less Than Zero" portrays the downward spiral a teen (played by a young Robert Downey, Jr.) gets into when he becomes involved in drug use.  This movie is a tough portrayal of what can happen to a teen using drugs.  You might think about watching this with your teen.

Dr. Debra

Spring Celebrations and Resolutions

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  This season can mean many things for your family.  Some families see this as a time to celebrate winter ending and warmer weather coming.  Other families see Spring as a time to clean the house and prepare for the wrap-up of the school year. 

Spring can be a great time to celebrate with the family.  Easter is a Christian holiday associated with Spring; other religious faiths have holidays associated with this time as well.   A positive tradition can be to celebrate together the beginning of the season, whether you are having a time of spiritual celebration or celebrating the onset of warmer weather.  Scheduling a consistent time for celebration as a new family tradition can be very positive for your family.

I think the onset of Spring can be a good time to revisit your New Year's resolutions as well.  Most New Year's resolutions are made and then broken within a month.  Revisiting the resolutions can be helpful to decide what is reasonable and what is not reasonable at this time.   This might be a time for the family to set a resolution for the remainder of the year.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

 

 

Family Weekend Challenge: Spring Break Week

Next week is spring break for many schools.  You probably have plans for your teen and family for spring break.  If you do - great. Be on the lookout for opportunities to talk with your teen about how other people feel.  Discussing the recent tragedy in Japan with the tsunami might be a way to discuss thinking about other people.  If you don't have spring break plans, make some with your teen.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week we have talked about decision making and helping your teens with the thinking that is important with decision making.  This weekend, try to find something that you or your teen is doing that takes decision making.  Encourage your teen to talk with you about how he or she would make a decision about that topic and have them talk you through their thinking process. 

Dr. Debra

 

Oscar Night with your Teen: Becoming a Winner

Tonight is Oscar Night- a time in which many teens will be watching with friends and maybe family.  Our society places an emphasis on celebrities and their success.  Our teens receive messages about what success means.  And the movies that are nominated have messages to our teens about life and how to succeed.

What lessons can we help our teen learn from this annual event?  Talking about the content of the movies which are nominated is important.  You will have an opportunity to understand how your teen is interpreting messages from the movies - some of which may be very positive and some which may be negative.  Another topic for discussion is how your teen perceives the actors and actresses who are present at the event.  And probably the most important topic is what succeeding actually means. 

Everyone has his or her own definition of success.  I challenge you to really think about what is important and how this pertains to being successful.  And be certain to discuss this with your teen.  I have seen many a teenager become derailed from happiness because he did not think he was being "successful."

Enjoy talking with your teen about this topic - you might be pleasantly surprised about how your teen views this.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

Modelling Relationships for Your Teen

Do our teens listen to what we say?  Sometimes.  Do our teens notice what we do.  In one word - yes.  Believe it or not, your teen can probably tell you more about how you relate to others than you realize.  And they base their own relationships on how they see you behave in your relationships.

I think this goes back to the old adage of "Do what I say not what I do."  But in the case of teaching your teen how to have healthy relationships, the thought should be "Listen to what I say and do what I do."  We need to be consistent in behaving in a thoughtful, kind manner in our relationships with peers and significant others.  Your teen will hopefully behave the same way in his relationships. 

I don't know about you, but the fact that my teen is watching will make me think twice about my interactions!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Valentine's Day is approaching on Monday.  Find a time to ask your teen what he thinks is special about Valentine's Day this weekend.  Plan something to surprise your teen; your surprise can be a card in which you write some of the things you think are special about your teen.  Another consideration would be to think about something to make the day special for your teen such as preparing a favorite food.   Surprise your teen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr. Debra

Super Bowl Sunday

So much excitement has occurred this week about the Super Bowl.  As I write this, Green Bay is leading Pittsburgh by a few points in the last quarter of the game.  Teenagers are congregating at friend's homes to watch the superbowl game and have fun in each other's company.  Your home may be one of the gathering spots for teens.

The Super Bowl represents for sports fans the two best football teams in the country fighting it out to be number 1; to "be the best."  What does the Super Bowl represent for our teens?  Friends, fun, and food is the immediate focus for most teenagers on Super Bowl Sunday.  But what is the other message that our teens are receiving?  The focus on the importance of being number 1; "to be the best."

Visit with your teen about the concept of being "the best."  Explore how your teen views this concept.  Make sure he does not see himself as someone who can never measure up to being the best.  Instead, help him define what that term would mean for him personally.  And help him understand the concept of "doing one's best" and "being the best person you can be" which is a very different concept from being number 1.  The best idea to give your teen is that many people can be the best, but usually at different things.  The person who is the best football player is not the person who may be the best vocalist, for example. 

Identifying what your personal best is and developing ways to improve your strengths is a great thing for your teen to learn now.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week Sherri and I have blogged about critical thinking and how to help your teen develop this skill.  The challenge for you this weekend is to listen to your teen and look for something he is talking about that he can apply critical thinking skills to the problem.  Get him to tell you how he is thinking about that topic and how he developed his ideas.

Have fun!

Dr. Debra

Holiday Happenings and Your Teen

Sherri and I have been talking about a number of topics related to the holiday season.  Sherri last wrote about acts of service and the importance of helping your teen find a way to volunteer to help others over the holiday season. 

Your teen is probably focused on fun, parties, and time off from school.  Holiday happenings are everywhere and will be for the next three weeks.  This is the time of the year when the focus can be on just having a good time.  And having a good time with your teen is important! 

Activities can cause all of us to focus on the "busyness" of the season and lead us to not spend much time really enjoying our family and friends.  Ways to avoid this "busyness" trap include volunteering and making time for people who are important to us.  I encourage you to spend time with your teen in a positive way - which might include volunteering with your teen!

Happy Holiday Happenings

Dr. Debra

Arguments and the Holidays

Do people in your family have arguments over the holiday season?  If so, you are one of many.  Why do arguments occur at this time of year - isn't everything "magical" during this season?  I think the expectation for everything to be special can often lead to arguments.  People set their expections to be at a very high level for everyone in the family.  Teens can often feel the tension and can react in an irritable manner which can worsen arguments.

So what are the arguments usually about during holiday time?  How much time you spend and with which family members can be a dilemma. What holiday events are the ones people want to attend - conflict can occur when different family members have different expectations as to who will accompany them to office parties, etc.  And for the teen - how much time does he get to spend with his friends?  So time becomes a major factor during this time of year. 

Another topic of argument can be who does what chores - chores increase with Christmas decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, cooking for open houses or school activities.  Who has time to add in those chores?  This is often the time of year that your teen says "I have so much school work to do there is no way I can help with anything else." 

I think it all goes back to expectations.  What does your teen expect from the holidays and his family?  And what does the family expect from the holidays and your teen?  I think as parents we have to be clear about what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.  For example, some family time needs to be special and protected - but perhaps we can compromise on how much time we allow our teen to have with peers versus family.

After all, the most important expectation is that family members remember the reason for the season - and have some fun with each other during this time.

Dr. Debra

 

The End of the Year Dash

Thanksgiving weekend is coming to a close.  Tomorrow the teens go back to school and many of us return to work after being off for a long weekend.  The holiday season is in full swing.

As we move through this holiday season we can easily lose sight of what has been meaningful for us and our teens this year.  Taking time to slow from a dash to a walk can help us enjoy the remainder of the year and can also help us reflect upon what we have enjoyed about this year. 

Help your teen balance these next three weeks - which are probably filled with school projects, papers to complete, and exams.  Try to help him develop a schedule which allows adequate sleep while he tries to meet all the academic demands.  By doing this with your teen, you will give him or her valuable skills to use anytime the pace of life seems too fast.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Yesterday was  Black Friday.  Many of you spent the day and maybe the weekend shopping.  We hope that you and your teen survived the Black Friday rush.  Maybe some of you avoided the shopping; and maybe some of you plunged into the masses of folks searching for those perfect Christmas gifts at bargain prices.

The family weekend challenge over this holiday weekend is to take a few minutes to just stop and think about how you have spent the weekend with your teen.  Ask your teen what he or she liked best about this Thanksgiving weekend - for some, it may be the shopping!  For others, it may be the food.  And surprisingly, for some, it may be time spent laughing together.

We hope you are finding some fun together this weekend.

Sherri and Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Each week Sherri or I will post a weekend challenge.  This week's weekend challenge involves Thanksgiving, which is just around the corner.

Talk to your teen and get his idea of something that he would like to do with the family over the Thanksgiving break.  This can be something as simple as playing a game, watching a favorite holiday DVD, taking a walk, or making a favorite snack.  Plan with your teen using his idea for this activity.

Ask your teen to think of one thing she is thankful for this year, and ask her to express it over Thanksgiving dinner.  And plan on something you can mention you are thankful for as well!

Enjoy the challenge.

Dr. Debra

 

Anticipation for the Holidays

Thanksgiving is one week from tomorrow.  Teens are getting excited about being out of school for a few days - some teens are out the entire week; some teens are out two days for a four-day weekend.  Either way, your teen is anticipating the pleasure of being out of class! 

Do you think your teen is excited about having Thanksgiving dinner with the family?  Perhaps.  Probably the atmosphere of prior family dinners is impacting your teen.  Reading Sherri's blog helped me have the image of a pleasant calm family interaction.  Does that happen at your house over the holidays? 

Would you like to have your teen anticipate more than just missing a few days of school?  Or catching the latest Harry Potter movie?  Would you like for your teen to have enthusiasm about spending time with the family?  Is that thought for you almost as much a fantasy as the Harry Potter movie?!

I believe that you can work with your teen to develop some things he or she will look forward to at Thanksgiving.  Talk about some activities she might like - a game that the family has played before, a special holiday movie that you have in your DVD archives, preparing a favorite food together.  Ask your teens for ideas - you might be pleasantly surprised by the ideas he generates!

Who knows, you might have anticipation about one of the ideas you and your teen decide to pursue!  And anticipation is one of the exciting elements of this time of year.

Dr. Debra

 

Family Time

Reading Sherri's blog about the family weekend challenge made me think of how we spend time together as families.  Life moves so quickly for everyone these days.  Making time to spend with family members may sometimes be one of the last things on many people's list. How do we make time with family - and make that time count? 

Involve your teen in planning family time together.  Discuss the things that must be done - like the chores, homework, etc.  But talk about the things that must be done - like grocery shopping - for the family and talk about ways to do some of those tasks together.  Planning menus for the week and doing cooking together accomplishes both doing chores and spending time together in a positive way. Exercising together is another way to do a "task" and also spend quality time together.  I am sure that you can think of other ways to combine work and time together.

Setting special times together is very important too.  Some families schedule a family night together where they always have dinner, or have breakfast together on a weekend day together.  Mealtimes are often times we can spend time with family.  Studies have shown that teens who spend dinnertime with family are happier and better adjusted. 

So start thinking about ways to spend time together - with the holidays fast approaching, I think combining tasks and time together may help everyone.

Dr. Debra

 

Thanksgiving and Family Faith Traditions

The Thanksgiving holiday is almost upon us.  The time of year to give thanks for our blessings is here.  For many families this is a time in which we enjoy each other's company and reflect upon the past year.  We should start thinking about what our faith traditions reflect to us and how we convey this to our teen.

Thanksgiving is a unique holiday in that it is an American holiday.  The day involves a meal with family and friends celebrating the year and giving thanks.  We celebrate American traditions, family traditions, and faith traditions at this time.  Unlike many other holidays, no gifts are exchanged.  Instead, we exchange time with each other - which can be a gift of tremendous value.  This is a good time to share family stories and reflect upon the values which have been important to the family.

What do we want our teens to remember from Thanksgiving days with the family?  What traditions do we want our teens to take with them as they leave home?  Now is the time to be thinking about this.  Many families take a moment for each person to express thanks for something from the year.  The Thanksgiving table is a good place to share these reflections. 

Think about letting your teen know your thanks that he is in your life.

Dr. Debra

The End of Year Holiday Rush Season

Tonight is Halloween!  And while the trick and treating and fun is great, we all know that this kicks off the end of year rush. 

The holiday season is practically upon us with Thanksgiving less than one month away, to be quickly followed by Christmas.  When our teens were young children, the focus was family, school events, and fun.  Although school was important then, our teens face stronger academic stressors in high school. Balancing family and fun with completion of academic tasks is critical for our high school teens.

How can we as parents help our teens with the end of year rush?  We can help them by talking with them about their obligations in both academic activities and extra-curricular activities.  Many teens have projects or reports due prior to semester end; and final exams loom on the horizon for many teens prior to holiday break time.  Helping your teen start to organize their time so that they have adequate time to complete studying, school projects, and other activities will benefit him.  Learning to manage these stressors will help them as young adults.

And please make sure you as the parent take care of yourself during the holiday rush time.  Remember, you are the model of how to balance stressors for your teen.

Dr. Debra