Parenting with All the Pieces

Prepare for Summer

School will be out soon.  How do we help our teens prepare for summer?  First  - help your teen "wrap up" the final details of school.  Final exams, projects, etc. should all be given full attention.  Next discuss with your teen if he has any goals for the summer - what he would like to be able to say he has done before going back to school. 

And help hi think of activities that would help him learn and would also benefit others.  Volunteering for agencies is an excellent way for teens to develop more skills while being worthwhile contributors to others.  And working at a job can be very helpful also. 

Factor in some fun too!  Summer should be a time for fun also.

Dr Debra

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

FAILURE AND YOUR TEEN

Failure is one of a teen's greatest fears.  Teens think about failing at school, failing in relationships, failing in sports and extracurricular activities, and failing at life.  For a teen, not being successful at school and with friends means that he is a loser.  And this is his worst nightmare.

Who among us has not experienced failure?  I don't know one person who has managed to succeed at everything he has undertaken.  Not succeeding at a task can actually be a positive growth experience, although all of us hate to hear that phrase at the time.  Think about some event in your own life that did not work in the way you had wished.  Then think about what you learned from that experience.  As a parent, helping your teen learn that experiences that do not go the way you want can still be experiences that have value. 

Discuss your own experiences with your teen.  He may be more open to talking about his fear of failure once he realizes that everyone struggles with this at some point or the other.  But also remember that many times your teen just needs you to listen and reassure him.

Dr. Debra

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

LABOR DAY AND YOUR TEEN

Labor Day - the holiday we celebrate as the end of summer and a break for workers.  This holiday has bee present since 1882 in our country.  I cannot help but wonder if our teens know much about the origin of this holiday.  I think most of our teens see this holiday as a time to have fun before the hard work of the school year starts.  And labor day was meant as a time for relaxation and fun.  So I think you should encourage your teen to use the holiday for the purpose for which it was intended!  But also spend a little time talking with your teen about the importance of work.  Learning how to balance work with pleasure is an important lesson for our teens to learn.

Time for Americans to Unite

The Olympics ended today.  America led the world in number of medals won: last count that I viewed, America had won 104 medals.  As a country we are proud of our athletes and their efforts.  Take a moment and appreciate feeling proud of American efforts.

When we listen to the headlines today, we hear so much about what is wrong with America.  And indeed America has her share of problems.  But America has a rich history of amazing accomplishments by individuals and groups.  And our history can continue in a positive manner - but this depends on US and our attitudes.  We need to teach our teens what it means to be American.  What differentiates our country from others?  What sacrifices have been made to establish America? 

Talk to your teen about America and pride in our country.  And talk about each of our responsibilities as an American to lift our country up in a positive way and do our part to move us forward.

Dr. Debra

 

Gold Medals in Life

The Olympics are exciting to watch.  All of us are probably cheering for the USA as we watch these games.  The discipline and talent of these individuals is truly amazing.  I saw a post by a friend on facebook that she did not think she would ever do anything resembling what these athletes have done.  As much as I admire the Olympians, I cannot help but think that many people every day deserve gold medals for things that many take for granted. 

What and how do we teach our teens about being a gold medalist in life?  I think we as parents have to be clear with ourselves about what we think is really important.  Relationships that are healthy and committed, work that is meaningful by providing for our family and aiding others in some way, and faith are important to us.  Helping our teens understand why these things are important will help them start to improve themselves in such a way that someday they will realize that you can be a gold medal winner in how you live your life.

Dr. Debra

OLYMPIANS AND COMMITTMENT

I love to watch the Olympics. I love to see teenagers and young adults that have committed to their craft so well that they have reached this level of competing to be the best in the world. It is difficult to see the tears when they don't succeed and heartwarming to see the tears when the win. There are certainly examples of families that push that individual until they reach this level but mostly families sacrifice to reach this level. Mostly it is about the teenager making the commitment to become an expert at something they are good at and enjoy. I believe the 10,000 hour rule applies here. This rule says anyone can be an expert if they do something for 10,000 hours. I know that teenagers are not expected to do anything for 10,000 hours but I worry when I see so many teenagers and young adults that cannot make a commitment to anything. They do not have any interests, they do not have hopes and dreams for their future, and they are essentially lost. Tomorrow we will look at how parents can help with this. Sherri

The Benefits of Being Bored

Sherri wrote a thoughtful commentary on teens being bored over the summer.  And she is right - about now, teens start getting bored during their summer vacations.  The suggestion of talking to your teen and suggesting volunteer work is a good idea.  And as parents we need to engage our teen and help him find positive ways to use his time.

I think that we should also let our teen have the experience of being "bored."  Boredom can be a positive motivator itself.  Teens will realize that they have to take responsibility for their own entertainment and for making choices about how they spend their time.  Many times we as parents think we are responsibility to always make sure our teen is either doing something that is good for them or doing something that they have fun doing.  But everyone finds a place and time where he feels bored - and learning how to manage that feeling is a good coping skill.

Be available to help your teen come up with ideas about how to deal with summer boredom - but let him do some of the work trying to resolve this himself.

Dr. Debra

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

Brave: Can a Disney movie impact your teen?

This weekend the Disney movie Brave opened.  Many parents took their young children to a new Disney movie and enjoyed the show.  Some teenagers attended the movie also, even though many teens did not see the movie since it is something that is they see as only entertaining to young children.

So does the movie Brave have anything to offer teens?  Absolutely!  This movie is focused on the relationship between a teen girl and her mother.  And the dynamics in the relationship could apply to any teen, male or female, and his or her parent. 

The movie shows how parents, even when very well-meaning, do not always actually listen to their teens and do not take into account that the teen is changing and becoming a young adult.  And the movie shows how the teen does not listen to the parent.  The consequences are very frightening to everyone.

But the lessons learned by both the teen and the parent help positive change occur in the relationship.

I hope you enjoy the movie!  And be sure to take your teen.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

SOCIAL ISOLATION, YOUR TEEN, AND SUMMER

Teens are usually very happy about the arrival of summertime and vacation away from school  But how does this impact the teen who struggles with social isolation?

A teen who does not have many social connections may escape into a virtual world of friendship in his computer.  Although this may help the teen not feel alone (which is important), this type of relating to others does not help social skills and can in fact lead to more social isolation.  A concerned parent should not take away all computer gaming, etc., but should limit the amount.

Summer provides a time to help your teen learn different ways to relate to others.  Volunteering helps your teen develop social skills while helping him to develop increased self-esteem because he is helping others.  Many forums for volunteering exist for teens in the summer.  Camps, child-care facilitiies, nursing homes, hospitals, missions, and churches are agencies that are usually looking for volunteers.  And your teen will meet others who are volunteering and may develop some positive relationships. 

Look at agencies in your areas that offer summer enrichment programs for teens also - your teen could benefit from taking a class himself.  He might not only learn something new or improve his skills, but he might meet some new positive friends as well.

As a parent, motivate and encourage your teen to look at summer enrichment and volunteering.  And be sure to get him to talk about what he might be interested in doing - that involves others in the real, not virtual, world.

Dr. Debra

 

 

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

THE HUNGER GAMES

Tomorrow night is the midnight premiere of "The Hunger Games", a movie about teenagers who must fight to the death in an arena. Many teens have read the book series. Many teens will watch the movie. Do you know much about this new series? Many themes in the books are about loyalty to family, selflessness, and survival. These books will hopefully make your teen think about the things he/she has to be thankful for in his life. But I do think it would be important for teens to discuss the frightening parts of the book/movie such as how the government controlled whether a person lived or died. The themes of rebellion should be discussed as well. I strongly encourage you to either watch the movie or read the book if your teen has an interest in this. I think a lot can be discussed in a positive way with your teen and some very important topics are illustrated in this material. Dr. Debra

Spring Break

This week or next week your teen will have the pleasure of having a week off from school – spring break. Teens, teachers, and parents often need a break around this time. So what do you do at spring break? Many parents work, although some families take time off during this week. How do you manage this week as a family? For those parents who work during spring break week, take some time to help your teen develop ideas of fun things to do during the day with friends or at home. Be sure to plan something for the family to do for fun sometime during the week. For families who are taking time off during this week, be sure to plan some time together. It is surprising how many people take time off but wind up not spending time together. But whatever you do, be sure to have fun. Because spring break happens all too fast and your teen will be in a whirlwind to complete the school semester once school resumes. Dr Debra

Superbowl Sunday and Your Teen

Today is Superbowl Sunday. Many people will gather at the homes of friends to watch the Superbowl game. Lots of excitement and money has been expended on preparations for the Superbowl. Your teen probably has been invited to attend a superbowl-watching party somewhere. Lately we have been writing about anxiety and teens – and social anxiety might be peaking today in a teen who thinks he is expected to go to a superbowl event. This would provide an opportunity to talk to your teen about social avoidance. You could help him develop some strategies to deal with his fears. Another important discussion with your teen is the concept of winning and losing – which is definitely discussed with the Superbowl! Try to see how your teen defines those terms and how he sees himself. This would be a good way to get some idea about your teen's view of himself. Good luck! Dr. Debra

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Video Games and your Teen’s Brain

Video games are popular with teens for many reasons. The stimulation of the game and fun is exciting for teens. And teens who struggle with social interactions feel some degree of mastery when they play these games – often retreating into their own little world in which they do have mastery. But how do these games do anything to our teen's brains that we should have concerns about at times? Some studies have suggested that watching these games can cause problems with how a teen's brain regulates certain chemicals related to attention and focus. This is especially important in those teens who already have attention and focus issues. And when you think about teens with awkwardness with social interactions – do we really want them doing anything that could interfere with their attention and focus when they are interacting with others? I don't think so. Teens can still play video games – but moderation is very important. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND VIDEO GAMES

Video games are fun, no doubt about it. And our teens enjoy playing them. To tell the truth, so do most parents! Video games can help you relax and unwind. There is something satisfying in winning one of these games. Some video games can be played on-line with groups of people, which provides a feeling of community for many teens who may feel somewhat isolated at times. Is there anything about video games that may not be positive? Some studies have shown that prolonged video playing is addictive and can actually increase the levels of some chemicals which are elevated with addictive substances. And some teens while feeling a sense of community with on-line gaming may actually decrease the time they have available to make connections with teens in their community. Like most things that are fun, you can get too much of it. Help your teen find a balance in the amount of time he is spending with video games. Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge

This week Sherri has blogged about the teenage brain. She has emphasized how teenagers seek out the thrill that occurs with high-risk behaviors. Many of their behaviors have to do with seeking out this thrill, or reward - and brain chemistry is an important factor. Take a moment this weekend to talk about why your teen seeks out thrills with him. Help him think through the consequences of high-risk behaviors. Dr Debra

CHEATING

Cheating comes in so many forms:  academic cheating, sports cheating, spouse cheating, financial cheating. Our teens usually encounter cheating at school.  Many schools have honor codes not so that if a student is aware of someone cheating, that student is supposed to alert a teacher. How do teens view the honor code?

Many teens make statements like "Everyone cheats - it is O.K."  I recently heard "The only way to get fair treatment on a test is to cheat - everyone cheats."  Cheating occurs not only in the academic world, but we are always hearing about some sports team which has cheated in some way.  The message our teens receive is that cheating is acceptable - after all, their sports hero has done it.

This makes cheating on a spouse or the family or in financial transactions O.K. as well to the teen.  After all, the most successful folks do it.  How many teens can tell you about their own family or a friend's family having one of the parents have an affair? 

The definition of cheating is "using an unfair advantage in transactions" or "to deceive or trick."  We need to start helping our teens understand that when they cheat they are also cheating themselves.  By cheating - you never are fully prepared for the next level - and the cycle of cheating continues.

Setting a positive example for your teen in how you live your life is the best way to teach them that cheating is not an appropriate way to do business in work or your relationships.  Talk to your teen about cheating and better ways to deal with stressful academic or work situations.

Dr. Debra

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have talked a lot about what parents and their reactions to teens due to their own backgrounds. 

This weekend, find a time to ask your teen what he or she likes most about their backgrounds.  Be sure to talk about what a "background" is comprised of :  ethnicity, religion, values, region of country, family history, etc.  Ask them why they like this.  You might be surprised about what you find out about your teen!  And you might be surprised about where the conversation leads you.

Dr Debra

 

July 4th: Freedom and Fun

Today is July 4th!  The day which celebrates our American independence.  Today is a day for remembering those who sacrificed that we may live free.  And today is also a day for our teens to understand that part of freedom is having fun as we celebrate.

Sherri has commented that we should celebrate more with our family.  Celebration and fun is so important.  Our teens will remember July 4th as a time in which family enjoyed each other, had good food, and hopefully talked about why July 4 is such an important day for us.  I find that many teens do not seem to know much about our history - this day offers an opportunity to talk about that a bit.

But whatever you do today, have safe fun.  Many areas have been under a burn ban and are not safe to light firecrackers today.  Please be mindful of the need to be safe today. 

Happy July 4th to you and your family.

Dr. Debra

 

Essential Competencies: Preparing Your Teen

We have talked a lot about working with your teen to help him or her prepare to leave home for school or work.  Talking to your teen is important to prepare him by helping him think about this process.

What else is important besides talking to your teen?

Establishing competency is essential.  By establishing competencies, I mean teaching and preparing your teen to be able to make his way without you.  Essential competencies include the following:

1.  Self-care:  personal hygiene includes also being able to do laundry, make your bed, clean a bathroom.  You would be amazed at how many teens do not know how to do these things - often because a parent does this for them and never teaches them.

2.  Meal Planning and Food Preparation:  can your teen figure out what to cook?  Does he know how?  Every teen should be able to plan at least five basic meals that he can shop for and prepare. 

3.  Managing Money:  does your teen have a bank account?  A debit card?  A teen needs to know how to make a budget, balance his checking account, and keep up with debit transactions.

4.  Car Care:  will your teen be taking an automobile with him?  Does he know how to change a tire?  Does he know how often his oil needs to be changed?  Does he know about where to take his car for routine maintenance?  You would be amazed how many adults do not think about this until something goes wrong - like a flat tire.

5.  Time Management:  can your teen understand how to "budget" his time for study or work?  And for all those tasks he needs to do for activities of daily living?  And for basic essentials - like sleep?

These are just a few things to think about - essential competencies - for any teenager.

Let me know of other important competencies that I did not list here - I need to add them to the list for my teen!

Dr Debra

LEAVING HOME

Your teen may be spending his last summer with the family before going off to college.  Today I saw a teen who graduated high school and his mother stated that the he will be travelling off to college in less than two months.  Two months....can pass fairly quickly.  Will you be ready to watch your teen leave home to go to college?

The summer before starting college can be such a valuable time for a teen and his family.  This is a time to emphasize that your teen is ready for this challenge, but that you are available as a resource to help him with this big change.

Discussing challenges he faced in high school and how he resolved them can be helpful in giving confidence.  And always helping your teen remember that he has a place with you when he needs to rest or retreat from the challenges of college can be especially helpful.

Make this summer a time that both you and your teen will remember.

Dr Debra

Positive Use of Power

We hear about powerful people in the media every day.  How do we see these people as powerful?  Usually they are famous in some way, either by being elected officials, movie stars, or wealthy.  And we see some good ways they use their fame - by helping people in need or promoting a cause that will effect others in a good way. These good examples of positively using power can be witnessed in both our media but also in our community. 

Volunteering in causes such as Habitat for Humanity or missions gives hope to many.  Community service  performed by your teen can help him learn about using power for the good.  Parents modelling these behaviors make a great impact on our youth.

Talk to your teen about power - we all have it - and how we choose to use it.  All of us have the ability to be positive in each of our decisions.  Our positivity can change our environment for the betterment of everyone.  But remember, our teen learns a great deal by just watching our behaviors!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Ask your teen if he has read anything in the news or seen anything on television about the behaviors of Anthony Weiner.  This could provide an excellent time to discuss the risks involved in sexting. 

You might be surprised about how much your teen knows about this situation!

Dr Debra

SEXUAL INDISCRIMINATIONS: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, JOHN EDWARDS, AND ANTHONY WEINER

What do all of the above mentioned men have in common besides being public figures?  Each has gained notoriety for sexual indiscriminations.  The news media has had plenty to cover with Arnold's baby with his mistress outside of marriage, John's alleged misuse of political funds to aid a mistress, and Athony's sexting inappropriate photos of himself.  

How in the world do we talk to our teens about these behaviors in our elected officials?  After all, didn't each of these men get elected to prominent political offices?  So how can their behavior be so inappropriate?

This might provide a good lesson to our teen that no matter one's position in society, one should hold firm to good moral values and behaviors.  One other thing that each of these men have in common:  consequences.  Each will bear some consequence to his behavior.  Talk to your teen about what those onsequences might be...and how unpleasant living with those consequences can be. 

Sherri has talked about sexting and how this can impact our teens in such a negative way.  Make this point as you talk about the information in the news media with your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

SUMMER GOALS: VACATION VS WORK

Summer is here!  Most schools will be out for summer by the end of this week.  What does this mean for your family and your teen?

All of the teens I have talked to lately are focused on one topic:  vacation versus work.  All teens want to have fun this summer, hang out with friends, take life easy.  But they also feel the need to work - hopefully to make some money to help with college in the future or just to fund their fun with friends.  Some teens have even told me that they feel like they are in a real bind as to what to do.

As parents you can help your teen with this dilemma by teaching them how to balance fun with work.  I really like and agree with Sherri's last post about summer jobs.  If your teen can't find a paying position, doing volunteer work can be a very positive experience which can lead to opportunities as well. 

We like to make a list of all the fun things we would like to do over the summer as well as goals we have for the summer.  Everyone in the family participates in making his/her own "list"; then we share these with each other and look for common goals and fun times.  Deciding on some things to do together as a family can  be a positive experience - and everybody looks forward to those outings.  We inspire each other about goals we want to accomplish over the summer.

Have a talk with your teen about vacation and work.  Helping him plan his summer can be a good experience for you both.

Dr. Debra

Graduation Time

This month marks many graduation celebrities in high schools and colleges.  Students and their families are excited about the ending of this phase of their life.  Many people look ahead with anticipation; and may also look back with longing about the past.

How should we help our family move forward in a positive way at graduation time?  Reminiscing about the past experiences is healthy and should be done. Talking with each other - looking at old photos - and remembering the fun times as well as the challenging times is a good way for family members to look at this transition time.  Talking about the future and the positive things we may experience as we move forward is very helpful for young adults embarking on work or further education. 

Dr. Seuss says it best in "Oh, the Places You'll Go".  he talks about the excitement in moving forward in life and all the happiness to come.  But he also talks about the Bang-Ups and Hang-Ups people face. 

Reassure your young adult that there will be bumps in the road, and that you will be there to help them navigate them.

Congratulations!

Dr. Debra

Mother's Day: Celebration of the Family

Mother's Day is a day in which we honor mothers.  Many families may do something together such as having breakfast or brunch, or attending church or some other event.  Celebration occurs for mothers, but a bigger celebration of family is taking place.  By taking time to think about mothers, the entire family can reflect on the connections the family has with each other.

All families have positive memories and things to celebrate.  Too often we get caught up in the stressors of hard times or day-to-day life and forget to honor those important connections we have with our family.  Remembering each other and some of those positive memories can enhance communication between family members.

I encourage parents to keep notes about cherished memories they have of their family and children.  Reviewing those notes during difficult times can help us keep things in perspective.

But for today, celebrate the family!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend spend some time with your teen talking about the end of school and the approach of summer.  Ask your teen what he would like to do this summer for fun and for work - whether volunteer or employed.  Ask your teen to set a deadline for when he will make inquiries into some work.  And talk with him about the positive benefits of working this summer. 

Helping your teen start planning for summer now will help him make the most of his summer.

Dr. Debra

 

 

COUNTDOWN TO END OF SCHOOL

Why am I writing about the end of school?  Because for some students school ends one month from today.  For other students, school may contonue five to six weeks from today.

Parents, think about how to make summertime meaningful for your teenager.  All too often, we become so busy during the academic year that we don't always make positive plans for summertime.  Any ideas?

Summer should be a time for fun. Plan with your teen some activities he would like to do and make a plan for the summer when you might do some of those together; also help your teen determine what fun activities he might want to do with friends.  Work can be a very important part of summer activity.  Explore with your teen all work options:  paid positions and volunteer positions alike.

Parents - think about what would help you feel good about the time you spend with your teen this summer.  Be sure to think about the things you most want to teach your teen and how you can fold in teaching opportunities.

Good luck with your planning!

Dr. Debra

 

EASTER, PASSOVER, AND YOUR FAMILY VALUES

Easter is indeed a time of new beginnings, as Sherri talked about in her last blog.  All of us should take an inventory of how we are interacting with others and try to determine if we need to make changes.  This is especially true of our interactions with our teens. 

I would like to suggest that as parents we stop and look at our family values and how that has shaped our values.  As Christians we celebrate Easter at this time.  This year, our Jewish friends are currently celebrating Passover.  Reflecting on what each of those religous celebrations signify is very important at this time.  Think about what values you would like your teen to take from this celebration.

Before you start outlining family values to your teen, let your teen explain to you how he sees this season of religious celebration.  You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that he has absorbed family values raealated to this time.

Happy Easter and Passover to your families,

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have talked a lot about the dance we do with our teens in interactions.  And we have thought about how we need to help our teen reevaluate their New Year's resolutions.  So your challenge for the weekend is to notice how you interact with your teen - and take a moment to talk about taking another look at resolutions. 

But whatever you do, catch yourself having fun with your teen this weekend!

Dr. Debra

SPRING CELEBRATIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Spring has arrived!  Many positives come with Spring  which is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and religious celebrations.  Spring also indicates that summer is just around the corner and school is ending for the year.  What an exciting time in the life of your teen!

A special challenge for this time involves having fun, letting yourself enjoy all the beauty of spring, and balancing responsibilities involved with ending the school year.  Add into that equation celebrating religious holidays and you have a recipe for a busy but energizing season. 

I have found Spring to be a great time to sit down with your teen and revisit New Year's resolutions.  Looking at what you have accomplished and what you still need to move forward on can be helpful - this teaches your teen that it is OK to make progress, reassess, and figure out where to go from there.  Spring is a time of renewal - and renewing your goals can be a real positive. 

Renewing your spirit is probably the most important aspect of Spring.  For Christians, Easter is a celebration of the very basic belief of death, resurrection, and salvation.  I find for Christian families this reminder of faith can be helpful in building cohesion among family members and strenghtening faith.

So in this season of renewal and faith what else should your teen be thinking of - finishing school on a positive note.  Encourage your teen to balance fun with responsibility.  As a parent this is one of the most important things you can teach your teen.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Sometimes our teens seem angry or distant when they are worried about something.  This weekend talk to your teen to catch up on their week - and listen for any worries they may have.  Just listening and letting them talk is a good way to help them.  And find time this weekend for fun, too!  Catch your teen having fun.

Dr. Debra

Spring Celebrations and Resolutions

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  This season can mean many things for your family.  Some families see this as a time to celebrate winter ending and warmer weather coming.  Other families see Spring as a time to clean the house and prepare for the wrap-up of the school year. 

Spring can be a great time to celebrate with the family.  Easter is a Christian holiday associated with Spring; other religious faiths have holidays associated with this time as well.   A positive tradition can be to celebrate together the beginning of the season, whether you are having a time of spiritual celebration or celebrating the onset of warmer weather.  Scheduling a consistent time for celebration as a new family tradition can be very positive for your family.

I think the onset of Spring can be a good time to revisit your New Year's resolutions as well.  Most New Year's resolutions are made and then broken within a month.  Revisiting the resolutions can be helpful to decide what is reasonable and what is not reasonable at this time.   This might be a time for the family to set a resolution for the remainder of the year.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

 

 

Helping Your Teen with a Difficult Decision

I don't know about you, but as a parent I find it difficult to help my teen sometimes with difficult decision-making.  The most difficult part of this is watching your teen struggle with the consequences of his or her decision-making.  I know that I want to rescue my teen sometimes, but rescuing your teen from consequences does not allow him to learn from these experiences.

We need to help our teens think through each decision and help them learn from those decisions.  Pointing out the consequences of a negative choice can help but don't be surprised if your teen does not listen to you.  No doubt you have had that experience already!

Where we help our teens the most is helping them understand "where things went wrong."  As parents we must accept the fact that our teen will make some mistakes.  And we need to be there to help them figure out what went wrong and how to make it better.  If they don't have the experience of making mistakes while still living with us, they will struggle more when they have to make decisions later.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week we have talked about decision making and helping your teens with the thinking that is important with decision making.  This weekend, try to find something that you or your teen is doing that takes decision making.  Encourage your teen to talk with you about how he or she would make a decision about that topic and have them talk you through their thinking process. 

Dr. Debra

 

Oscar Night with your Teen: Becoming a Winner

Tonight is Oscar Night- a time in which many teens will be watching with friends and maybe family.  Our society places an emphasis on celebrities and their success.  Our teens receive messages about what success means.  And the movies that are nominated have messages to our teens about life and how to succeed.

What lessons can we help our teen learn from this annual event?  Talking about the content of the movies which are nominated is important.  You will have an opportunity to understand how your teen is interpreting messages from the movies - some of which may be very positive and some which may be negative.  Another topic for discussion is how your teen perceives the actors and actresses who are present at the event.  And probably the most important topic is what succeeding actually means. 

Everyone has his or her own definition of success.  I challenge you to really think about what is important and how this pertains to being successful.  And be certain to discuss this with your teen.  I have seen many a teenager become derailed from happiness because he did not think he was being "successful."

Enjoy talking with your teen about this topic - you might be pleasantly surprised about how your teen views this.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

Practicing Good Decision Making

Decision making is something all of us do daily.  Many decisions your teen faces are not complex - what to eat for breakfast or wear to school for example.  But even decisions which are simple can have negative consequences if poor choices are made.  Wearing clothes to school that do not comply to the school dress code can cause your teen to have school problems as an example.

Our teens are faced with many decisions that are more complex.  Which classes to take in school, how to spend time in electives, who to hang out with at school, what kind of job to try to find - the list goes on.  How do we help our teen with practicing good decision making?

I think the first thing we should do as parents is to try to reduce any anxiety our teen has about these decisions.  I have seen some teens who are almost tied up in knots with anxiety due to their fears that if they don't do everything just right that their future will be a bad one.  If we can reduce the anxiety we can help our teens see that there is almost always more than one possibility with decision making.  Practicing good decision making means helping our teens generate many possible options and deciding which one makes the most sense to them. 

I like to think of decision making as a puzzle to be solved.  If you can approach this in a way to make decision making interesting, you can engage your teen and help him learn one of his most important life skills.

Dr. Debra

 

The Overscheduled Teen

We have been writing about helping your teen find his talents and learning to be his personal best.  One stumbling block to accomplishing this is having a teen who is overscheduled.  I see teens all the time who are going to band or athletic practice at 6:30 AM, attending class, then returning to practice until evening. Then they go to dance class, or sports lessons, or tutoring before returning home to start homework sometime that night.  One teen told me she had four hours each night "scheduled" to sleep.  She seemed convinced that four hours was adequate sleep.  Listening to some of these teens' schedules makes me feel tired.  I cannot imagine how it is for them.

So how do we help our teen with this?  Going back to helping him understand his aptitudes and gifts is a good way to help.  Once he understands where his talents and interests lie, help him look carefully at how he is spending his time.  If he is engaging in activities that fall outside his interest, try to help him understand why he is in those activities.  He may need to make some choices about how he spends his time.

After all, don't we want our teen to have fun during the process? 

Dr. Debra

 

Super Bowl Sunday

So much excitement has occurred this week about the Super Bowl.  As I write this, Green Bay is leading Pittsburgh by a few points in the last quarter of the game.  Teenagers are congregating at friend's homes to watch the superbowl game and have fun in each other's company.  Your home may be one of the gathering spots for teens.

The Super Bowl represents for sports fans the two best football teams in the country fighting it out to be number 1; to "be the best."  What does the Super Bowl represent for our teens?  Friends, fun, and food is the immediate focus for most teenagers on Super Bowl Sunday.  But what is the other message that our teens are receiving?  The focus on the importance of being number 1; "to be the best."

Visit with your teen about the concept of being "the best."  Explore how your teen views this concept.  Make sure he does not see himself as someone who can never measure up to being the best.  Instead, help him define what that term would mean for him personally.  And help him understand the concept of "doing one's best" and "being the best person you can be" which is a very different concept from being number 1.  The best idea to give your teen is that many people can be the best, but usually at different things.  The person who is the best football player is not the person who may be the best vocalist, for example. 

Identifying what your personal best is and developing ways to improve your strengths is a great thing for your teen to learn now.

Dr. Debra