Parenting with All the Pieces

ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING

I heard President Obama say we need to put our political issues behind us and figure out how to solve this problem. I really hope this is something we can try to do. So far we have been unable to do this on any other issue. Today on the View I heard a guest say this is not about gun control. We need armed guards in the schools and hospitalize the mentally ill for longer periods. I understand that a school district in Texas is now going to allow teachers to carry concealed hand guns to school. I find that disturbing on so many fronts. We do not need a shoot from the hip approach.

I do not claim to be smart enough to know how to solve this problem. I do know that to solve a really difficult problem we need to gather a group that can put their own issues aside and address all the ramifications of these shootings. We now have a lot of information about school shootings. What are the aspects of mental illness and how could that have been addressed better or could it have been. How does school bullying play into this. Do you know that when a child is bullied in school if anything is done and usually it is not it is the child who is bullied that is sent to therapy? I want that child sent to therapy but why is it that the bully is not sent to therapy? What role does the news media play in these shootings? How do guns play into this?

Before this becomes a distant memory encourage your leaders to encourage a comprehensive approach to this issue. Support the conditions that offer changes that include a method to evaluate how well this is working. I would love to see this country pull together on something and this would be a great place to start. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING? HOW DO WE TALK TO OUR TEENS?

All of us have been deeply horrified and saddened by the shooting in Connecticut.  Some information about the shooter has been published by the media and he is portrayed as a teen who was isolated and different from his peers.  The information about the victims is staggering - beautiful kindergarten children and the brave teachers, principal, psychologist who died trying to protect them.  Every murder is horrific and brings sadness to us all.  But how do we deal with a young teen who kills - and who by reports appeared to have problems of his own - and his victims deaths?

As parents we cannot help but relate to the parents who have lost their children.  I have been thinking about life as the mother of a kindergarten child, and I remember how my own emotions were daily stirred by her.  Losing a child at this age to a senseless murder would be a pain I cannot even imagine.  And many teens have expressed sadness as they relate the deaths of these children as to how they might feel if they lost their younger siblings. 

One other theme I am hearing from teens is "how do I know that somebody I go to school with won't be like the guy who killed these kids?"  This is a good question to be raised, and one that adults and school authorities should be thinking about more these days.  Going back, we can see signs that the killer had some difficulties as a teen.  Could an intervention have occurred with him that could have changed the outcome of December 14 in Connecticut? 

So how do you talk to your teens about this tragedy? 

1.)  Encourage them to talk and use the following questions to encourage conversation.

2.)  How did you hear about this?

3.)  What was your reaction?

4.)  Did hearing about this make you feel worried or afraid?

5.)  Talk with your teen about he might react if he is in a situation where gunfire begins.  The people who survive are those who run and hide.  Many times people freeze in this situation - discussing with your teen in advance will probably help him not be one of those people who freeze.

6.)  Reassure your teen but also let him know you are always there to talk about any issues that may occur.

I am so deeply saddened by the loss of these children and their teachers.  And I am so deeply saddened that we live in a world where we have to educate our children about what to do in the event of a crisis such as this one.  But I know that we have to do our best as parents to mentally prepare our teens to be alert and aware and ready to take action in a crisis.

Dr. Debra

ADOLESENCE AFFLICTED WITH ADOLESENCE

If we thought about having teenagers when we get pregnant the human race would be on the endangered species list. At their worse teenagers can be cruel and demeaning to their parents. This is a part of them pushing you away so they can assert their independence. As parents this happens at the time we are getting used to the fact that our days with them are numbered. It is difficult to not get your feeling hurt with all of this.

Don't go crazy. It really won't help. Stay calm, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. This will pass and most of what they are yelling at you is not how they feel. The take care of yourself is really important here. Talk to others. Get your rest and exercise. Please don't get into the power struggle. This is a very difficult time and you will need to summon all your resources.

Good luck. Sherri

BEING FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR TEEN PART II

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about feeling frustrated with your teenagers. She gave very good information about how to handle this. If you haven't read it you should check it out. As I read her blog, thinking about the changes in adolescence and what a struggle this is for parents, I thought about the struggles the parents are having. As we are raising our children we don't think very often about how these changes impact us the parents. We enjoy the fun of this cute little child and we celebrate in their accomplishments; feeling proud. As they begin to break the barrier that is adolescence and as the distancing from us begins we are also going through changes. Our life will change as the child rearing years come to an end. We struggle with what is next. This does not mean this is a bad thing but a change all the same. As our teenagers change and are growing up sometimes we want them to be adults and act grown up and responsible. Other times they are our little baby and we dread their launching from home. For us the parents their emancipation means our relationship with them will change. As the mother of two adult daughters it does not mean that the relationship ends; it just changes. But in the throes of it we feel the loss. For our teens they have the entire world before them. For teenagers this is a new beginning for us it is a loss. This puts us in different places and we need to recognize the changes. It is important to talk about this so we don't take out our feeling on a teenager who is already a bit volatile at times. Sherri

Violence Against Americans in Libya and Egypt: Impact on Your Teen

Today we heard the frightening and sad news that the American ambassador in Libya was murdered with other Americans. The American Embassy was breached in Cairo, Egypt and the American flag torn down and burned.  And as I write this, rioting is occurring in Cairo against Americans.  These tragedies began on the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.  A great deal of speculation is being stated in the media as to the significance of these events happening on the 9/11 anniversary.  And people have been talking about this today with a mixture of disbelief and fear.

No doubt your teenager is hearing about this.  As I think about the blog Sharon wrote yesterday, I agree with her that we can not shelter our teens from the frightening information and risks that are present in the world both outside our door and overseas.  But we do want our teens to understand what is happening and to have some ideas as to how to cope in a crisis.

Help your teen understand the political and religious forces happening in the region where these tragedies occurred.  I have found that many American teens do not have much of an understanding of the volatility in that region of the world.  Reviewing the history of the area and the current issues there may help lower your teen's anxiety just because he will at least understand that these types of behaviors do not usually happen in a vacuum.  But no matter how well your teen may understand this, he also needs to understand that THERE IS NO EXCUSE for the behavior that is occurring there.  Talk with your teen about how he feels about these events and also help him voice how he would react if a violent event occurred in the area where he lives.

I hope that our teens never have to encounter this level of violence in their lives.  But as parents, let us help them think through how to react.

And let us have a moment to think about the families of those who died yesterday.

Dr. Debra

 

INSULATING OUR CHILDREN FROM TRAUMA

It is such a dilemma in the world we live in today. How do we protect our children and still allow them to learn life lessons without allowing them to experience horrible trauma? Recently we have talked about bullying and all the aspects of the world of the internet. There are many things that our teens can experience that scare parents. And with good reason; by the same token we cannot make them bubble children that never face the "real world". I hear this dilemma in my office every day. Some parents don't protect enough and some too much. In every case parents are confused about what is best. I think about this a great deal. I have come to the conclusion that maybe our best protection is to make our children good decision makers from an early age. At the beginning there are certainly decisions they should not be allowed to make but as they grow and mature they need more and more ability to make their own decision. Not all decisions will turn out well but that is perfectly alright. We learn more from the unsuccessful decisions than from the successful ones. When we can trust their ability to make good decisions and also they usually do make good decisions – even when we may not agree with a decision; we can trust that they will make a good decision in a difficult situation. They need to make decisions about when to play and when to do school work. They need to decide whether or not to drink and how much. When we can trust they make the best decision for themselves we can breathe a sigh of relief and trust they will be alright. We can never prevent all possible disasters even with good decision makers. Just like there is nothing we or they can do to keep us always out of harm's way. Today is September 11^th. All those people that went to work that day or got into a plane were making the best decision they could make at the time. Sometimes horrible things happen and we grieve and eventually figure out how to put our lives back together. Work on decision making with your children. They will grow from the experience. Sherri

STAND AGAINST BULLYING

In Dallas CBS news aired a week long program "Take a Stand against Bullying". If you missed this you can go on line to see aspects of this programing. I'm pleased they did this and they did a good job. There has been an effort to teach kids how to respond in a manner to reduce the prospect of bullying. There is now a law to address the issues of bullying. I felt there is still a void in addressing the bullies and their parents directly. In the cases I am aware of when the bully's parents were contacted the bullying ended. Certainly there are situations where this will not be the result but a void in all of this is that most of the attention is on the child who is bullied. Don't misunderstand me they need a great deal of assistance. But doing therapy with many of these children I find it difficult to tell them how to get past this especially when there are few efforts to stop the bullying. We need to be addressing the bully and their families. Even if your child is not a target of a bully or you have no kids in schools the community should pull together to get this issue addressed and that means taking action about the children who bully. There are school shootings and suicides that can be traced back to bullying. In a society where we think we cherish children we need to not sit by and hope someone else will take action. Thank you for listening and please take action. Sherri

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND INDEPENDENCE

Recently I have seen a few college students that have not been successful in their first year of college and returned home. They seem to feel that they did not know how to take care of themselves. This seems like this might be true for most college freshman but not actually. These young adults could not manage the transition to college and had to leave. As parents we need to help our kids develop these independent skills. They need to adjust to that separation from parents and be able to make decisions for themselves. It is a lot easier to do this now while they are still under your wing than after they have had to leave college. If you are a parent of a teenager that is not separating encourage independent decision making. (even when you are not happy with the decision) Give them chores to do so they can manage their own stuff. They need a checking account. They need to be doing their own laundry. They need to be deciding how to balance everything they have in their life. A parents you are not abandoning them, you are giving them freedom to succeed. Sherri

BUSINESS AS USUAL????

If you did not get to Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about shooting and teenagers please go back and read this very thoughtful blog. Our teenagers today have so many stresses on them. They have shootings to worry about, they have to worry about war, about school bullying, about college and life choices. On top of the usual stresses of being a teenager they have real life issues to occupy their minds. I know this has always been true but it seems the life issues are more severe today and the media attention keeps it in our faces. I think that with so many real life issues in their faces it would be possible to view serious issues or events as "business as usual". We don't want them to normalize tragedy so consider taking Dr. Debra's advice about talking to your teenagers about these things when they occur. Sherri

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

BULLIED AND ISOLATING TEENS NEED SAFE PEER GROUP ACTIVITIES

Nothing is more heart breaking than seeing isolating kids that want peer involvement and for a variety of reasons they can't find a place to fit in. Sometimes they are so damaged by bullying that they don't even try since they just believe they will be bullied again. Their ability to trust is so damaged. During adolescence peer involvement is crucial. Parents may say just call a friend to come over. Frequently there is no friend to call or they are too worried that they may not be able to find anyone or the "friend" will say no. It might be helpful to help you teen find a teenage organization; volunteer, church youth group, service, interest group like camera club, explorer troop etc. It is to be a place where they can experiment with finding ways to fit in. If it is an active group where they have things to do not just sit around and talk that would be better. You must do this with their approval and interest. Help them understand that this is a place to try out new social skills to find ways to fit in better. It would be better to know if it is a fairly closed group socially before they try it out. It is also okay to tell them to try a group a few times before they decide it won't work. If they are willing to try this might help. Good luck. Sherri

Murders at "The Dark Knight Rises"

All of us are horrified by the murders at the Colorado movie theatre at the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" this past week.  Details are just now being released about the events of that evening.  We are hearing that a man opened fire at this premiere, killing 12 and wounding 59 people. 

Stories of bravery have been coming forth such as a man who leaped in front of the gunman, saving his girlfriend and her brother while he himself was killed.  Stories of fear and terror have been recounted by those who were present in the theatre.

Why and how did this happen?  I think all of us are asking that question today.  Places like movie theatres are considered safe places to go for everyone.  Now many families and teens are questioning whether it is safe to go anywhere after witnessing this horrible tragic event.

We do not know the motive or thoughts of the gunman.  Knowing this might help us understand what he was thinking, if he was seeking revenge for something, or if he was developing delusional thinking.  And sometimes understanding how something occurred can help all of us cope with fear and anger.

Talk to your teen about this.  Help him understand that we do not have answers as to how this happened, and that we need to gather more information.  Have him discuss with you how he feels about this and ask him if this has changed his thoughts about where or even if he is safe anywhere.

If is so important that we help our teen have a sense of being able to function in the outside world and not let them become paralyzed by events such as this.  But to do that we need to help them by talking with them and getting them to talk to us.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who did not survive this assault and with the survivors who were injured and witnessed this tragedy.

Dr. Debra

TEENAGERS PICKING THEIR PROFESSIONAL CAREERS

There seems to be a big push today to decide in High School, and even middle school, a career path. This is certainly the course in some European systems but no so much here. I recently spoke with a High School Freshman who was distraught because her father had told her the different interests she had would not be good career choices. The future she saw was working in a cubical and being unhappy for the rest of her life. I believe we need to help our children look at their gifts and talents and think about their future but at times we try to lock them in too early to a career choice. In middle school and high school they need to be exploring their gifts and talents to find out what they are good at. If they know they want a certain career that is certainly fine. My oldest daughter knew she would be a vet since she was very young. I didn't encourage or discourage this but supported her. As a junior in high school she worked part time for a vet and determined that mostly vets spayed and neutered dogs and cats and she would be bored. This was a crisis of identity for her. She navigated the waters of this crisis and did fine but she had embraced being a vet as part of who she was. If your teen does not yet know what they really want to do please don't worry. Help them find opportunities to find out what their gifts and talents are. This will help. I also believe that in college they are exposed to many new things and that opens door they may not have known were there. Relax, enjoy the ride.

ANOTHER COLLEGE SHOOTING

Today I saw a headline about another shooting at a college campus. Granted sometimes this is due to mental illness. This may be the bulk of this outrage but there are other things to consider. As parents we need to mentor our children in dealing with loss and disappointment. I hear all the time in my office an individual telling me they feel or their parent worries that they will get hurt so they might not get into a specific relationship. There are many things that can lead to feelings of hurt or disappointment. We struggle with this as do our children. As good parents we need to be good role models for dealing with these feelings and then helping our kids to do the same. This is a skill we will need all of our lives. Whatever the hurt is usually last only a little while and then the healing begins. When we try to avoid the feelings it can last much longer. Remember the first step is to handle these feeling well ourselves. Sherri

The Trayvon Martin Tragedy and Your Teen

Most of us have heard of the tragic shooting of Trayvon Martin, a 17 year old teen, in Florida by a neighborhood watchman. The information about the shooting is unclear at this time. The shooter had seen suspicious men in his neighborhood, which had recently had some robberies, and had called the police. The watchman had left his vehicle and reports that he was assaulted by Trayvon Martin which led to him shooting and killing the boy. The death of a teenager is a loss for all of us. I cannot help but imagine that the shooter must feel pain about this situation as well. With all of this information being in the media your teen may have heard about this. I have heard two teens this week express fear about being shot by someone. So how do we address this with our teens? We first need to get them to talk about how they feel and what they think about this tragedy. Getting your teen to talk freely about his thoughts and feelings will help you realize what you need to help him think through about this. Anytime there is a tragedy we must try to learn from the event. In this tragedy, you should discuss with your teen the risks he puts himself in when he is in strange territory, and how people might misinterpret his actions. Evaluating risk factors is essential for your teen to learn. I think you might want to help your teen try to think what about what the shooter was thinking about in the time leading up to the shooting and ways your teen could get himself out of a situation like this. However, whatever your teen learns about this, you should help him talk about his own reactions of fear and sadness about this event. Dr Debra

CYBERBULLYING

I just read an article about a teen girl in Maryland who posted on an internet sight that she was going to commit suicide if the school did not address the cyberbullying issue. She described how a "popular guy" has been terrorizing her and others on facebook and twitter. Some of his copied posts were listed in which he was clearly verbally abusive and devaluing of the young girl. From what I understood, teens had made the school aware of the problem but nothing had changed. The girl stated she believed she would have to kill herself in order to get the school's attention. I think this girl's response to the bullying clearly helps us understand how powerless she felt about the situation. The internet has a lot of power especially over teenagers. Facebook provides a very public stage often for "1000" friends or more to see how y ou are treated. How can we help teens understand the ramifications of cyberbullying? Let your teen know that this is wrong and if they know of someone who is behaving like a cyberbully or someone who is the victim of a bully, they each need help. You might discuss with your teen how one goes about getting help from their school. And you can help your teen learn to deflect bullying behavior in the hopes that he will never feel like he has to commit suicide to deal with a bully. Dr. Debra

DEPRESSION AND SOCIAL ISOLATION

Today we are looking at depression and how that impacts social isolation. Today the Washington Post printed this article on teenage depression. There is more to this article and you might be interested in looking at the entire article. I have copied the symptoms of depression so you can see the varied symptoms that a depressed teenager might display.

"Depression can change the way teenagers see themselves, their lives, and the people around them. Teenagers who are depressed usually see everything more negatively. They can't imagine that any problem or situation can be solved in a positive way. Some or all of these symptoms of depression may be present:

• Appetite changes (usually a loss of appetite but sometimes an increase)
• Difficulty concentrating
• Difficulty making decisions
• Episodes of memory loss
• Fatigue
• Feeling upset, restless, and irritable
• Feeling worthless, hopeless, sad, or self-hatred
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once fun
• Thinking or talking about suicide or death
• Trouble sleeping, too much sleeping, or daytime sleepiness
• Sometimes a person's behavior may change, or there may be problems at home or school without any symptoms of depression:
• Acting-out behaviors (missing curfews, unusual defiance)
• Criminal behavior (such as shoplifting)
• Irresponsible behavior
• Poor school performance, grades dropping
• Pulling away from family and friends, spending more time alone
• Use of alcohol or other illegal substances"

You can see that just by the type of symptoms displayed it is reasonable that a depressed teenager might isolate because they feel so bad. Someone once described depression as feeling like you were wrapped in a large black cape and there was no way out and what is worse is that you really didn't feel like getting out of it. If your teenager is experiencing depression it is not something that will work itself out and you need to seek professional help. Sherri

TRADITIONS

Yesterday I wrote about not pushing what was bothering you under the carpet for the holidays but making a plan to address the issue. After you have done that it is time to get to the business of enjoying the holidays. When there are changes in your life you can make adjustments in your plan or traditions. When my daughters were young and I had recently divorced their father I decided to change some traditions. I ask them to help me decide what we would do for Christmas dinner. They decided they wanted hot dogs and s'mores cooked in the fireplace. I had to do all the "cooking" it was too hot for them but they enjoyed this and for a number of years this was our tradition. I can't say I wasn't grateful when they decided to let go of this tradition but it was perfect for them at the time. Make whatever plan works for your family. Traditions are important and make the holidays special. Merry Christmas. Sherri

Helping Your Teen Cope with the Loss of a Parent over the Holidays

The holiday season is here. Everywhere you look, we see families engaged in activities. The media shows laughing happy families. The joy your teen feels this time of year is important. But how does the teen cope who has lost a parent this year? Many of us do not think of a teenager's parent dying - the timing seems out of synch. However, it is not an uncommon experience for a teen to lose a parent. Think about your teen's peers. I imagine that you can think of at least one peer whose father or mother has departed this world. And how does that teen cope in what is a painful situation? The surviving parent is instrumental in helping his or her teen during this time. It is important to acknowledge the loss and grief involved in losing a parent. Developing a time of remembrance for the surviving parent to sit with the teen and remember important times with the deceased parent is critical. Looking at family photo albums or DVDs can help during this time. In addition to acknowledging the loss, celebrate the life of the parent. Remember the things about the teen's parent that bring a smile. And the teen should always be able to articulate what he/she thinks his parent would want him to do over the holidays. Please help the teen remember that he should enjoy the holiday season like his peers. But expect that there will be times which may bring tears. Dr. Debra

THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT FAMILY

This week Dr. Debra has had a loss in her family. I have been thinking a lot about her and her family. Then I got to thinking about my own family and families in general. This is Thanksgiving week. In this country this is the most "family" time of the year. Thanksgiving can be a stressful time for so many families. Today we all get so busy with being busy, that too often we lose sight of the goals. It is not about the perfect turkey but about family. Please remember to make your family the focus of this thanksgiving. Life is short and we don't get a do over. Happy Thanksgiving. Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

I know this is a frightening and depressing topic.  School has started back.  Many teens are feeling a lot of stress with the challenges of a new school year.

Although this is a topic most of us would prefer to not even think about, I encourage you this weekend to bring the topic up and ask your teen how he would react.  Reassure your teen that it is very unlikely he would ever have to face this, but thinking about it in advance as to how he would respond could help him in the future in some other situation.  Get his opinion as to why people engage in school shootings. 

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: 9/11 MEMORIES AND EXPLANATIONS

Tomorrow is the tenth year anniversary of 9/11.  Spend some time talking to your teen about your memories of 9/11 and your understandings of how this happened.  Ask your teen if he/she has any memories or ideas of 9/11.  Talk to your teen about where you would reunite with them in the event of a crisis or disaster in your area.

Dr Debra

9/11 : A day to remember

Sherri's comments n 9/11 are so important for us to be thinking about as we talk with your teens.  Many of our teens have no clear memory of their day on 9/11.  Help your teen by talking about your teen's schedule on that day.  Talk to your teen about your response on 9/11 to the terrible tragedy that struck our nation.

On the front of a magazine this week, I saw an article about the children of 9/11.  The article chronicled a number of children who were babies or not yet born on that fateful day.  The current thoughts of those preteens are interesting.  The sense of someone missing from their family is present in the article. 

Discuss the impact on the families who lost a member that day.  Take time to have your teen tell you how he thinks those families have functioned since that day.  Ask your teen to describe the significance of that day in his life and what lessons he may have learned from this event.

Remember that day - and honor the memories of those who died.

Dr Debra

 

Teenagers and Nine Eleven

This morning for the third day in a row the morning news/talk shows were addressing the 10^th anniversary of Nine Eleven. As I was listening I reflected on my own memories of that time and where I am about all of this today. I then realized that today's teenagers did not really experience that time. They would have been very small children and not likely to have really understood what was happening. I know they learned about this in school and hear all about it in many ways but how often do you talk with your teens about what that time was like and what is now like for you today.

Sit down with your teens and talk about what they understand and what it has all meant for your family and for our country. This is the kind of dialogue we encourage you to have with your children. As always remember to listen as you talk together. I would be interested in hearing what you learn. Sherri

I PRAYED FOR YOU

I am going to share with you a very touching story I was told this week. A grandmother raising her two young grandsons for her daughter who is unable to be with them at this time reported this story to me. She said the eight year old came home from school and told her it was not her fault that he had to go to a new school this year. He reported that his teacher told the class that she had prayed to God to give her the very best third graders in the world and her prayer was answered. She had the best third graders. He was relieved and felt proud. This summer has been very traumatic for this little boy and this was just what he needed to hear.

We may never know how our words will impact the children around us. This can be the children we live with or the children we encounter during our days. Children are so impressionable that whether we say things like this teacher did that really encouraged this hurting child or we say things that are hurtful because of our own emotions and level of stress and our words impact our children. Think before you speak. Sherri

HANDLING TRAGEDIES IN OUR CHILDREN'S LIVES

I have reflected a lot about Dr. Debra's last post about the tragedy in Norway. A number of years ago I went to training about trauma and how it impacts people. The presenter gave a very interesting example. She talked about two four year old children. One was in a tornado where the house was destroyed. The child, his mother and his aunt hid in the closet until the tornado passed. Because of how they handled this he never experienced trauma from this. The other example was a girl. Her father would get home in the evening just before her bedtime. He would hold her hands and twirl her around the room with her legs flying out behind her. She would squeal and laugh and say "more Daddy." In truth she was terrified he would let go of her hands and she would fly into the wall but because it was the only time she saw her father each day she would not let him know. This child had trauma years later because of this game.

We hope trauma will never impact our children. But when it does we want to discuss this with them in a manner that allows them to express their feelings and to feel understood and validated for those feelings. They need an opportunity to precess what has occurred and the impact on them and their community. It is less likely that our children will experience a tragedy like in Norway but they experience trauma in High School too often when their peers are killed in a MVA or other similar tragedies.

THE TRAGEDY IN NORWAY: THE IMPACT ON YOUR TEEN

We are all saddened and horrified by the tragic shooting in Norway in which more than 80 teens were killed following the bombing in Oslo.  The media has been updating us regularly with these events.  I just finished reading an accounting of a teen who survived this ordeal.  Reading her experience was very unsettling; the descriptions of how people tried to flee but were shot down conveyed terror.

Your teen will hear about this.  How does this impact your teen?  The idea of young teens away at summer camp being murdered is so senseless that your teen will have difficulty comprehending why this even happened.  And at this point, we don't know the gunman's motives.  What we can surmise is that he is disturbed at a severe level to commit these atrocities.  Unfortunately, our media has already tried to label this act as being a political act.  This act was one of evil intent by someone who is disturbed at a deep level, regardless of his political or religious leanings.  And helping your teen understand that disturbed people with evil intentions walk among us is a job that parents do not want to address.  None of us like talking about this.  We would all like to believe that these incidents are just rare incidents and that these things "happen somewhere else."   I am sure the people of Norway would have never expected something like this to happen in their country, where the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded.  The next time you begin to think in that manner, just recall 9/11 in New York City.  These events happen everywhere.

So in going back to talking about this with your teen, what is the best course of action?  Get your teen to talk about his thoughts about what happened, as well as his emotional reactions.  Be certain to listen for any fear your teen has.  Help him think through how he might have reacted.  And be realistic with your teen.  He has a greater chance of having to deal with an incident in his lifetime than the generation before him.  Thinking about these incidents and how you would cope in the moment can help your teen be prepared as much as anyone can be. 

I am not suggesting that we encourage fear in our teens.  I am suggesting that we do the best we can as parents to help them be prepared for whatever they may face.

My prayers continue for the families in Norway.

Dr Debra

 

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

LEAVING HOME

Your teen may be spending his last summer with the family before going off to college.  Today I saw a teen who graduated high school and his mother stated that the he will be travelling off to college in less than two months.  Two months....can pass fairly quickly.  Will you be ready to watch your teen leave home to go to college?

The summer before starting college can be such a valuable time for a teen and his family.  This is a time to emphasize that your teen is ready for this challenge, but that you are available as a resource to help him with this big change.

Discussing challenges he faced in high school and how he resolved them can be helpful in giving confidence.  And always helping your teen remember that he has a place with you when he needs to rest or retreat from the challenges of college can be especially helpful.

Make this summer a time that both you and your teen will remember.

Dr Debra

ARE THINGS REALLY WORSE OR DO WE HAVE TOO MUCH INFORMATION?

Raising kids in this world today is very frightening.  It seems that it gets worse and worse or we as the parents have so many more options to monitor our kids that we know more and therefore worry more.  We live in a world where every bleep on the radar could become a national crisis.  I know there are true crises in this world and I am grateful that we have a way to be apprised of these world events.  It was difficult when I was raising my teenagers and that was before Facebook et al.  However, it was not before being able to talk to strangers on the internet.

I remember telling parents it was not alright to read their daughter’s diary or journal unless she had done something to loose that trust.  When I was a teenager we would hand out at a local soda shop and all our communication was there and of course talking on the telephone. Sometimes we were just being kids, flirting, telling secrets and embellishing things.  I grew up in a small town and I remember hiding out behind the fire station to practice cursing so we could get good at it if we ever had to use it.   Today between Facebook and texting parents can read all of their teenagers’ conversations.  We know things that in years gone by we did not have access to. 

I have decided I want to blog about this for awhile.  So watch for the next few blogs if this is your interest.  I will cover:  “Are you worrying about the right stuff”, “Should ignorance be bliss or when ignorance should be bliss”, “Trusting teenagers to experiment in order to define who they are”, and “Making the walls of the sandbox age appropriate”.

I will look forward to exploring this. Please add your comments if you agree or disagree.  Sherri

 

MEMORIAL DAY REFLECTIONS

Yesterday I heard Memorial Day referred to as the start of the summer season.  I know that this is true.  When I was a child in upstate New York summer vacation did not start until late June so that did not seem so true.  We may not pay enough attention to Memorial Day being a day to honor those who have died defending our country.  We tend to see it as a day off, picnics and parties and maybe if you are lucky, family time.  I saW things on the news with government officials laying wreaths etc. but mostly it is about gatherings.  An individual in Dallas wrote the names of fallen heroes on the wooden sticks of small flags and put them in his front yard.  It was totally full of flags.  I’m really a pacifist but I ache about so many young lives cut short by war.  Whatever your beliefs, remember yesterday was about honoring war dead. 

Say a prayer for those that are gone, even if you don’t know their names.  Sherri

 

SUMMER VACATION – NOT A CURE FOR DEPRESSION

My oldest daughter is a teacher in a mental health facility.  This has been an interesting first year there for her.  Recently she noted the increased number of adolescents that were being admitted.  We talked about mental health, especially with children, having cycles.  There are times of years that mental health professionals know that the number of families seeking treatment for a teenager will either be up or down.  As we approach the end of the school year we find an increase and then a big drop for summer.  My assumption has always been that parents panic as the school year draws to a close because “Johnny” is really not doing well and the year is catching up with him.  They call the mental health professionals in a panic – “Johnny” may not pass.  If they make it to the summer there is a hope that the vacation will make things right.  This goes on until the first report cards when panic again sets in. 

Certainly only a small number of teenagers require intervention from mental health professionals.  Adolescence is a difficult time for all the developmental reasons we discuss here.  But for those where the issues are significant and there is a reasonable case for depression, anxiety, eating disorders, substance abuse among other possible causes it is important to seek professional help.  Waiting until the eleventh hour is not a good plan.  Hoping that a summer vacation away from school will snap the kid out of it never works.  I see adolescents that have been suffering from depression and/or anxiety for years.  You, as parents are not expected to know that your child has any of the above conditions but when things are going poorly or you see a significant change it is prudent to get a professional opinion.  A competent mental health professional will not sign your child up for therapy or put them on medication unless there is a diagnosable condition. 

Do your child a favor this summer.  If you suspect there my be a problem or there have been significant changes get them to the professionals during the summer so they can have a fresh start in the fall for the new school year and as a result they are likely to be more successful. 

Sherri

 

THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE REVISITED

I am the parent of two teachers.  I hear all their rants about issues with students.  One of the biggest is students not doing their work until the eleventh hour.  I also hear this as a therapist that regularly sees teenagers.  Now we are at the end of the school in most areas and soon to be so in all areas of this country. 

The rite of passage for summer vacation seems to relate to “Johnny”, who has not done most or any of his work this year.  What I hear parents saying…what can “Johnny” do now, to pass. 

 When I was a kid we had a book of Aesop’s Fables.  I loved reading those fables.  As I remember the fable of the tortoise and the hare is that the hare felt very confident that he could win the race so he frittered away his time being distracted and finding other things to do.  The tortoise just set the goal and no matter what the outcome was to be he just stayed the course.  Low and behold, as the finish line loomed near the tortoise was in the lead and try as he may the hare could not make up the distance to beat the tortoise.  The hare lost the race and forever after remembered that “slow and steady wins the race.”

We are seeing the finish line today in school.  Has your child been the hare or the tortoise?  Of course we don’t want our children to fail and not be promoted to the next grade, especially if they “can do the work”.  I wonder what message we give them when we tell them that acting like the hare is acceptable in this family.  So therefore, you help them by guiding them in structuring their time to complete tasks and helping them set priorities and maintain balance.  Finally, you need to make sure you also model those behaviors in how you manage your own time.  Good luck. 

Sherri

 

 

Separating parents: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver

When celebrities separate headlines are made.  We watch from the sidelines as personal information is published.  We wonder how the marriage disintegrated or if they will manage to reconcile.  And many of wonder about how their children are doing.

Separation and divorce takes an enormous toll on our children.  The stress in a household as the parents are fighting about separation can contribute to an emotional impact on the teens in the home.  How can the teens make it through this time?

Separating parents need to make sure their children know that the separation has nothing to do with the teens.  Helping reassure the children that both parents will remain available for them helps relieve anxiety.  Making sure that each parent has time with the children is very important.  One of the biggest fears that kids have is that one of their parents will "disappear" as the separation goes forward.

Helping your teens talk about separation helps them cope.  Use this example of celebrity separating parents to help your teen talk about what it must be like for parents to separate and how the kids in the family are impacted. 

Dr. Debra

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON: MANAGING DISASTERS

"Keep Calm and Carry On" was the slogan printed on over two million posters by the British government in 1939 to boost morale in Great Britain in the event of an invasion.  One of these posters was rediscovered in 2000 and this slogan has resurfaced. 

I believe this phrase "Keep Calm and Carry On" is a motto that we as parents can use especially when reacting to disasters.  Every day some natural disaster or tragedy is blasted out at us from the media.  The earthquake and tsunami in Japan and the tornadoes in the South are two natural disasters that have all of us reacting with worry, fear, and sadness.  The recent news about the death of Osama bin Laden has caused mixed reactions from a remembrance of the tragedy of 9/11 to fear about reactions to his death to celebrations of his death.  A day never passes that we don't hear of some tragedy.

Our teens are hearing about these tragedies, and at times are overwhelmed.  Sherri has commented about the importance of using these events to teach our teens.  I know that we must talk with our teens about these events.  If we don't talk with our teens, they will lose an opportunity to learn how to cope when tragedy strikes.

Many people I have talked to recently either know someone affected by the tornadoes in the South, or attended school in one of the areas struck.  Feelings of sadness, worry, and even guilt that they survived this tragedy when others didn't have been noted.  Talking about the uncertainty of disasters and how one copes with this appears to help not only the emotional reaction but also helps people prepare for future events.  Our teens certainly need to be able to talk about these things.

Both President George W. Bush and President Obama have been examples of keeping calm during intense tragic moments.  When President Bush was reading to a group of second graders as he learned about 9/11, he remained calm, finished the story, and excused himself to deal with the disaster.  Students who were present in the classroom to this day recount the calmness the President exhibited and the impact that has had on them.  When President Obama announced the death of Osama bin Laden this week, he did so in a calm manner.  He also took the time to recount the tragedy of 9/11 and to put in perspective why our country has hunted bin Laden.  His calmness of presence was reassuring as he delivered information that had a strong emotional impact.

As a parent, I encourage you to check in with your teen about these events.  But I also encourage you to truly enjoy the moments you have with your teen in the here and now.  I believe that noting and enjoying the moment is one way to help sustain you when you have to "keep calm and carry on."

Carry on,

Dr. Debra

USING THE BIN LADEN STORY TO TEACH OUR KIDS HOW TO REACT TO TRAGEDY

Yesterday I bloged about bin Laden’s death and how that is handled by families.  My daughter, a teacher commented and I would like to address her very wise insight.  She told her students “that death is always a tragedy, and to glorify death makes us too much like the terrorists we fight.” 

In these very troubled times we may not always know how best to address these ethical dilemmas with our children.  Yesterday, on the news, when  I saw a young woman tying red white and blue balloons on George Bush’s gate I found I felt regretful.  Realistically, I’m sure she did not know how to react and that is why the comment of the teacher, Kat, is important.  She may have seen this as something to celebrate and this is how she understood celebration.  As parents we need to help our children put things like this in perspective. 

Many are saying that bin Laden’s death is justice for his many wrongs to us and to countless others but death is always a tragedy. 

This is a very troubled world and in addition natural disasters seem to cause great tragedy to many.  I recently went to some training that seemed to address  how we react to events that occur and what happens when we do not understand or learn how to react in an appropriate manner.  As parents we should make sure that how we react is the model we want to give our children. 

I guess that’s enough said.  Pray for or world at this time. 

Sherri

 

BIN LADEN AND THE IMPACT ON FAMILIES

I guess I have to write about the world events related to the capture and killing of bin Laden.  I am saddened about myself to say that this had really left my conscious attention.  I just didn’t think about our inability to find bin Laden any more.  Last night a friend called me to say the President would be speaking about 10:30 but they weren’t saying about what.  “My first reaction was Oh no, what’s happened now…” 

For all of us there are mixed reactions.  Since bin Laden was the leader of al-Qaida at the time of 9-11 this was long overdue.  I was saddened to see how groups of Americans seemed pulled together last night as they rallied in support of this action.  Almost 10 years ago we were pulled together as a nation as we struggled to understand the events of 9-11.   From then we have been more polarized as a nation than maybe ever before.  We have lost sight of how as a nation we can achieve great things if we can act as one. We fight over all kinds of things and loose sight of the big picture. 

So this is actually a blog on parenting so how will I bring this back to task?  I have two ways to make this relevant.  1- Talk to your children about the events of last night.  Allow them to talk about how they felt and answer questions they may have.  Give them the space they need to have their own opinions.  2- As a nation we are seldom pulled together as one.  We need to use this thought and apply it to our own families.  Are we pulled together when we need to be and can we have separate identities when we need to?  A healthy family can do both.

Whatever you believe, these are difficult times in our world.  Pray for peace for all involved.  Sherri

 

Teaching Empathy: Changing "Generation Me"

Reading Sherri's blog about "Generation Me" has caused me to think.  How do we go about helping this generation shift their thinking away from "It is all about me?"  All of us know adults who are narcissistic, who take the position that everything is about them.  And those adults as a group do not have happy relationships with others and in general are unhappy people.  Somewhere during healthy adult development, one realizes that true happiness comes from giving not taking.  Narcissistic adults never reach this stage of development.

One major difference between teenagers and adults is that teenagers are in the process of developing their identity and character. So teenagers can be taught ways of relating more easily than adults. How do we help our teens change their viewpoint that "it is all about me?" 

I believe that helping teens develop empathy - understanding how another person feels - is one of the best ways of changing the self-centered mindset of Generation Me.  How to you teach empathy?  Watching television shows and movies with your teen and pointing out incidents in which a person feels sad or angry because of something that has happened can be helpful.  This is a good time to hit the pause button and ask your teen to identify what the hurt person is feeling - and why that may be.  Bringing the example close to home by asking your teen if he has ever felt that way can reinforce empathy by helping your teen generalize how he feels to how another person may feel. 

One of the best exercises in helping your teen develop empathy is to take your teen to volunteer in some capacity.  Working at a foodbank or mission can help your teen not only develop empathy, but to also begin to see how he can help others. 

Helping your teen learn how to care about and help others is one of the biggest gifts you can give to him.  After all, would you deprive your teen of the enormous pleasure that a person receives from helping others? 

Dr. Debra

 

Critical Thinking and the Arizona Shooting Tragedy

Critical thinking is important for us to help our teens develop.  Sherri's blog about finding ways to help your teen develop this skill through game playing and other strategies is an excellent way to help your teen sharpen those thinking skills.

What we as parents do to help our teens critically think about the tragedies we face?  The terrible tragedy of the Arizona shooting is in all of our media outlets - your teen probably has seen or heard of the murder and injury of the Congresswoman and others in Arizona.  How do we apply critical thinking to this tragedy?

Let your teen tell you what he or she thinks about this tragedy.  Ask him how he feels about this horrible event.  After he expresses his thoughts and feelings, ask him why he think this happened.  Ask him what he thinks about the intern who rapidly attended to the Congresswoman and why his actions were important.  Ask him how he would handle being in such a situation.  We don't want to discuss these painful events with our teens, but helping them process this and helping them think about what they would do in a crisis situation such as this is important.  By talking through such a tragic event and helping your teen think about this critically you are not only helping him learn how to continue thinking even when he has sad or fearful thinking, you are helping him be prepared for crises.

Tonight I ask for all of us to pray for the families of the people who were killed or injured in this tragedy.    

Dr. Debra

FALL FEELINGS

This week we set the clocks back to standard time.  In Texas that is a sign that fall is finally on the way. (At least I hope fall is on the way.)  Tonight I am reminded of fall when I was growing up in Western New York State.  The beginning of fall was marked by certain smells, fresh apples were the best.  There was the smell of leaves burning ands even throwing horse chestnuts into the fire until the popped or exploded.   There was also shorter days.  Those were all a sure sign of the start of fall. I remember all of those signs fondly.  I would look forward to coming home, the lights were on in all the houses adding to the sense of warmth.  

Today many parents are both working and children are in daycare or coming home to an empty house. And after that they have lessons and games and the family may not arrive home until bedtime.  The good feeling about coming home to the warm welcoming home of my youth is not the same.  

So why does this matter?  Children need to feel they have an anchor.  A place they know they are loved and trusted.  They need to feel that no matter what happens home is the safe place to come to when the journey gets rough.  We are so busy today and parents are so stressed by work, the economy etc. that they do not always have the energy that children need.  As parents we need to take care of ourselves but still find patience, nurture and love for our children.  Doing this does not have to be a big affair because often the simple things mean the most. 

Sherri

 

Troubled Teens: How Should Parents Intervene?

Reading Sherri's blog made me think about all the issues that teens face and how do we as parents help or not help?  Deciding how to be helpful may be deciding not to intervene.  This is a true tightrope that parents walk with teens. 

Watching your teen be upset, disappointed, or frightened is hard for any parent.  We would like our teen to listen to us and take our advice - which would help them not experience as much pain, or we would like to think so.  But I don't know ANY teen who always listens to his parent and takes that advice regularly.  I think about the toddler who you tell repeatedly to not touch a hot dish.  Unfortunately, that toddler usually has to touch a hot surface at least once to understand why his Mom or Dad has been telling him not to do that!  We always hope that the burn is not too severe.

As a parent you must carefully observe the level of distress and the actual stressor that your child is facing.  If your child is engaging in dangerous behavior a parent should intervene by helping that child see what he is doing; if the behavior is using alcohol or drugs, the parent may need to intervene to the level of taking the child to treatment.

But if your teen is struggling over a breakup with a boyfriend or a difficult class, you should offer help but realize that your teen must find a way to deal with this himself.  And be there for him when he needs to talk about how the situation hurts.

Good luck.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

DECISION MAKING: WALKING THE TIGHTROPE OVER TURBULENT WATERS

When our children are young there are not very many decisions they can make.  We have to decide most things for them.  As they get older they need to be able to make more and more decisions on their own.  As a parent this is often a difficult transition to watch.  We want them to make the "right" decisions.  Sometimes they make decisions that have negative consequences for them.  Sometimes we have an image of who they are and when they make decisions that don't fit our image we are miffed.  Certainly, due to brain development, hormones and other factors they simply make "poor" decisions.  Since rebellion is part of adolescence sometimes they are just trying to get a rise out of us and assert their independence.  

In my office, I see sort of a continuum of parental functioning regarding decision making.  At one end we have parents that either turned too much decision making over to the child or did not make this a gradual transition.  At the other end we have parents that still make most of the decisions for the teen.  Somewhere in the middle is a healthier balance.  I am always concerned when I see a high school senior that still is not making most decisions.  Please don't misunderstand me.  Parents are still in control but I worry about those kids headed for college still not making most of their decision.  I always ask adolescents what decisions they are allowed to make themselves.  They are usually surprised but some do make many decisions and other really have to idea how to answer this question.  

Parents always want their children to be happy and not have to suffer or be sad.   I think this contributes to why we avoid the process to help them become good decision makers.  I like to think about this as being able to trust them to make decisions, knowing that they will make some bad decisions.  I would prefer they make those bad decisions while the stakes are lower and while I have the ability to hold the safety net during this process.  

If you are new to turning this over to them think about starting with the smaller decisions and allow them to experiment with decisions with a lower cost.  Also, know that some decisions that seem crucial to us may not be so big in the scope of the world.  Don't try to intervene even if they ask.  Tell them you trust them to decide this.  If it falls off the track process with them about how they feel this worked out.  Problem solve with them options in the future or how to alter the decision, if possible now.  As they become adults the decisions get so big that you want to trust they have this skill

Good luck and try this on a small scale today.  Sherri

TEENS WITH SOCIAL ISOLATION

Teenagers with  issues related to social isolation seems almost an oxymoron  . During    adolescence teenagers are all quite extroverted, even those that are more on the introverted end of the continuum.  

Recently I have seen a number of teenagers that present with the parents' complaint of social isolation. They don't seem to have a very active peer group. They are not doing things with peers on the weekends or talking much to peers.  They may have on line peers but not the kind that allow face to face interactions. Like many teenagers they spend a great deal of time in their rooms away from family but don't have the other part of needing to be with their peers.  

There can be many reasons for this.  Sometimes these teens are struggling with social anxiety.  In these instances they find it too difficult to seek out others.  They may not have any idea what is happening to them and often they feel defective.  They see others having fun that seems unattainable to them.

Sometimes they have been or are a victim of harassment.   This is so common today in schools and we can't depend upon the schools to monitor this form of abuse.  These teens have developed a poor sense of self worth and isolate to avoid the pain of the abuse.  

Others have poor social skills.  They just have not developed the skills necessary to "fit in".  This could be teens that have struggled with this since elementary school or ones that did not make the transition into the adolescent culture.  You will at times find here that they describe themselves as above all of this.

No matter what has triggered this, it is a issue worth addressing.  The teens that present in my office often have been told by their family that there is something wrong with them and by the time I see them they are defensive.  The earlier parents intervene the better.  If you are dealing with social anxiety it would be reasonable to seek professional assistance.  If your teen is a victim of harassment that needs to be addressed with the school and professional help may be indicated. ( A few year ago I visited the Tolerance Museum in LA.  There was a interactive exhibit about bullying.  At the time I participated 73% of the people in the room reported having been bullied in their life time. I was appalled at that high number.) If your child needs social skills, participation in some leadership activities would be helpful.  It can be a community or church activity that would help them develop those skills.

In any case, approach your child carefully.  They are likely already feeling defective they need to feel support from you.  These are important issues with teens since this is the beginning of learning how to create an adult peer group so they can make the launching they will need to do in the near future.  

If you find this related to your teen good luck and tread lightly.  Sherri

DISAPPOINTMENT

You know as a parent we always want our kids to be happy.  I watched this this weekend with my 29 year old daughter awaiting for an upcoming call for a job interview.  Of course I want this to work out well for her.  As parents we have to observe this often.  It is very important to allow our children to experience the emotions inherent in any disappointment.  We want them to be able to handle these feelings as they get older and have the inevitable disappointments that life can bring.  When these situations occur we can serve as a consultant if asked but not take on the feelings for them or try to shied them from experiencing disappointment.  When they have handled it we need to cheer lead the effort.  If we see maladaptive coping techniques we should intervene and ask them to tell us how this is going and to see if they are willing to problem solve with us a better solution.  

 

Good luck in this endeavor.  Sherri

Remembering 9/11 with your Teen

Today marks the ninth anniversary of the horrific tragedy which occurred in New York City and the Pentagon.  I bet all of us remember where we were when we heard about the planes hitting the twin towers.  The images we witnessed in the media are burned into our memories forever.  And I still feel the pain for all those who lost loved ones - the lives which were extinguished much too early.  The impact on our country still reverberates across time.

How do our teens remember that time?  My teen was in kindergarten that day; I had dropped her at school and was driving to work when I heard the radio report.  I stopped my car to listen, then called her school.  The school was going to conduct business as usual, and they have a safety plan in event of emergency; also the school was some distance from the center of the city.  I decided school was a safe place that day.  The lower school children were not told about the tragedy; the older children were brought into the auditorium and told by the school.

That being said... my child has no memory of 9/11.  I purposefully did not let her watch the news because I was concerned about her developing anxiety.  Over the years, she has learned about 9/11 from me, other family members, and school where they have studied the events.

But today I decided she was old enough to talk about what 9/11 meant emotionally to Americans and how this has impacted so many families and continues to have impact today.  I recounted to her my own experience from that day and the experiences of others I know who were in New York - one woman who escaped from the building.  And the experiences of others I know  of those who lost loved ones. And the extreme bravery exhibited by many of Americans that day.  And I talked to her about airspace being shut down and the prevailing fear in America. 

My teen was able to talk about all of this and she asked great questions.  This opened the door to a broader discussion of how one reacts in a crisis.  I found this interaction to be a positive one for her -  and I was impressed by her ability to show empathy for all involved.

I would like to encourage you to talk with your teen about your memories of this day.  You may find this to be an opportunity to help your teen develop critical thinking about events and ways to respond.  We never know when he or she may need them.

I write this in remembrance of all those who lost their lives that day.  I write this in remembrance of the brave acts we all saw from our countrymen.  Let us make sure our adolescents know.

From the heart,

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

The End and the New Beginning

The holiday season is over.  A month of celebrations for many people  has passed.  We celebrated the End of 2009 as we rang in the New Year.

Mixed feelings occur with the new beginning of 2010.  A feeling of relief that a difficult year has passed has been expressed by many.  Economic and family stresses are commented upon frequently by parents as they discuss the challenges of 2009.  But anxieties about a new beginning are expressed as well.  Will this year be any better?  How can I as a parent effect any change for my family?

Nothing raises this question more than loss.  Many people who are ill manage to make it through the holiday season, only to pass away in January.  This loss is particularly difficult for children and teens who have just celebrated the holidays.  As difficult as this may be, parents can use this painful experience to teach their children how to cope in a healthy  way with loss.  Grief is part of the human experience.  Helping your children learn to grieve is an important role for parents.  Helping your children learn that they will survive the pain of grief is even more important.  Children and teens who experience grief for the first time are often so overwhelmed that they cannot imagine feeling "normal" again.

Encourage your child to discuss loss with you, from the pain of a death to the disappointment of a school experience. Putting losses in appropriate context is invaluable. Handling loss helps each of us find our new beginnings.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.