Parenting with All the Pieces

COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS

Christmas is two weeks from today. The media is letting us know that we need to be shopping to get everything completed in time for the holidays. We see these messages on television, on billboards, in the newspapers, on the internet. Our teens are noting these messages as well. So how do we handle the "countdown to Christmas" with our teens? Balancing the commercial messages with the spiritual meaning of the holiday is not an easy task. Realistically, we do look to give gifts so shopping is a part of the season. One way to think of shopping at this time of year is that more jobs are provided to people during this time. So your shopping helps the economy in the real way of providing employment. Spiritual preparation is very important during this time - and your teen may not get this message from anyone other than you. By spiritual preparation I am referring to reflections on faith and the importance of this time of year. I am also thinking about taking stock of relationships, especially family members and friends. Spending time with family, friends, and faith is a way to make the most of the holiday season. Help your teen think about how he is going to spend his time. And don't forget to factor in fun! Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Christmas Eve is two weeks from today. Your teen is most likely both overwhelmed with schoolwork and excitement about the upcoming break.

Spend some time this weekend helping your teen budget his time for the upcoming week so that he can feel less stressed. Encourage him to also think positively about the upcoming holiday break. Dr. Debra

ISN'T EVERYTHING SUPPOSED TO BE FUN?

Today I was talking to a teenager who has not been going to school regularly. She started talking to me about her day when she skips school. In talking to her, she discussed how school is "boring." After further discussion, she told me that I did not understand that "everything I do is supposed to be fun." What has happened with our teens? I find that many of them see work as something "horrible" to do. Of course, I don't think any of us remember enjoying schoolwork, studying, and chores. Or do we? I have distinct memories of some chores being just that - chores. However, I also remember very clearly feeling a sense of accomplishment when I completed some tasks. Upon further exploration with a number of teens about this topic, I find that many of them do not do chores because their parents seem to have no expectations that they will do so. I think a major problem with never doing work and always having fun is that how do you know what real fun is? Leisure time is more enjoyable when you feel you have earned it. We need to help our teens with this concept, or adulthood is going to be "horrible" for them. Dr. Debra

MACHINE GUNS AND SANTA?????

OK, I guess I have to blog about this. I have been stewing about it for a week. Those of you that are NRA supports this is not likely a blog you will like. Last week I read that there is a town in Arizona where you can have your child's photo taken on Santa's lap. This is happening all over America this month. (By the way this is not about parenting teenagers. I just got upset.) This is different because while your child, even a toddler, is sitting on Santa's lap they are holding a gun even a machine gun. I hardly know what else to say; nothing says peace on earth like a machine gun. I understand freedom of speech etc. (no I really don't understand I guess) but this really seems like this is too much. I could rant so I won't this is all I have to say on this matter. Have a happy and safe Holiday. Sherri

Helping Your Teen Cope with the Loss of a Parent over the Holidays

The holiday season is here. Everywhere you look, we see families engaged in activities. The media shows laughing happy families. The joy your teen feels this time of year is important. But how does the teen cope who has lost a parent this year? Many of us do not think of a teenager's parent dying - the timing seems out of synch. However, it is not an uncommon experience for a teen to lose a parent. Think about your teen's peers. I imagine that you can think of at least one peer whose father or mother has departed this world. And how does that teen cope in what is a painful situation? The surviving parent is instrumental in helping his or her teen during this time. It is important to acknowledge the loss and grief involved in losing a parent. Developing a time of remembrance for the surviving parent to sit with the teen and remember important times with the deceased parent is critical. Looking at family photo albums or DVDs can help during this time. In addition to acknowledging the loss, celebrate the life of the parent. Remember the things about the teen's parent that bring a smile. And the teen should always be able to articulate what he/she thinks his parent would want him to do over the holidays. Please help the teen remember that he should enjoy the holiday season like his peers. But expect that there will be times which may bring tears. Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge

Now that we are into December and Thanksgiving is over thoughts turn to The Christmas Holidays. This weekend for the family challenge talk to your kids about some things they would like to do to celebrate this holiday season. It could be musical, charitable etc. Find at least one family type activity you can add to your celebration. Have a great weekend. Sherri

THANKSGIVING IS ABOUT FAMILY

This week Dr. Debra has had a loss in her family. I have been thinking a lot about her and her family. Then I got to thinking about my own family and families in general. This is Thanksgiving week. In this country this is the most "family" time of the year. Thanksgiving can be a stressful time for so many families. Today we all get so busy with being busy, that too often we lose sight of the goals. It is not about the perfect turkey but about family. Please remember to make your family the focus of this thanksgiving. Life is short and we don't get a do over. Happy Thanksgiving. Sherri

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

In most families, things are about to get quite busy with Thanksgiving planning. For many families Thanksgiving is a great holiday where much of the family gets together. However, for many Thanksgiving is much extended family and the stress of too much family with all the family of origin unresolved issues. Whatever shape your holiday takes take a few minutes this weekend to ask your teens what they would like to do this holiday for it to be a great holiday for them. Happy Planning. Sherri

DIVORCE AND THE HOLIDAYS

Teens whose parents are divorcing or divorced often have anxiety about the holidays. In spite of the fact that visitation is usually outlined in divorce proceedings, the teen often feels torn about whether it is O.K. for him to be happy when with either parent over the holidays. Teens often think about how things could have been - and feel sadness and sense of loss. Parents must be sensitive to their children during this time. Sherri wrote an excellent blog about how divorced parents need to put their teens first. So the question is - how do people who did not like each other enough to stay together work together over the holidays? Communicating with each other about the holidays and how the teens will spend time with each parent is critical. Each parent needs to give their child permission to have fun while with the other parent. If the divorced parents can possibly be cordial to each other in their children's presence, this will help the child feel better about the holiday time. Planning traditions for each parent to have with the teen helps the teen establish expected routines which he willl look forward to experiencing. Divorced parents CAN work together over the holidays to make each person's holiday experience a positive one. Dr. Debra

CHANGING SEASONS AND YOUR TEEN

The season has changed from summer to fall. Your teen has made many adjustments - being back in school, the change in sports and other activities, the change in daylight savings time, just to name a few. Fortunately most teens are resilient and can adapt to change easily. But what about those times when your teen struggles with change? Sometimes stressors are enough that even just changing seasons can be the addditional stressor that interferes with your teen's ability to cope. We often don't think about change as a stressor, but to someone who is struggling already with school, work, or family issues this may be just the thing that keeps him from doing as well as he would normally do. So what do we do as parents to help our teens? Anticipation of how a change may impact your teen - whether positively or negatively - can help your teen adapt. And don't forget to talk about the postivite impact of change. This time of year can help bring family together for activities; teens look forward to having a break at Thanksgiving and Christmas school. Help your teen see that there are elements of change that are good for all of us. Discussing this can even lead to discussion of how one deals with bigger life changes - which all of us face at one time or other. Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away. This weekend talk with your teen about what he likes about the Thanksgiving holiday. Talk with your family about how you will spend Thanksgiving day. Ask your teen to think about the things he is thankful for over the last year. And enjoy the beautiful fall weather. Dr. Debra

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS APPROACHING

Everyone you look you see signs of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween occurred one week ago, which tends to start the holiday season for teenagers and families. As a parent, I always have lots of ideas about the holiday season and usually find that we do not have enough time to follow through with these ideas. And my teenager has ideas as well as to how we should spend the holiday season. For the next eight weeks we should all enjoy the holidays with our family and friends. The best way to do this is to ask each family member what he wants most to do this holiday season, and discuss as a family how you will spend the holiday together.

Setting priorities during the holiday season is important - and I hope you will help your teens not lose sight that the most important part of the holiday season is time spend with family and friends and observing your family's religious traditions. So easily your teen can get caught up in the commercialism of the season - you should be a role model for him about how to balance this time. Some teens get in the trap of trying to "squeeze it all in" and don't enjoy their season because they are too tired or overwhelmed.

Plan now for your holiday season. Help your teen balance finishing the semester at school with the festivities ahead.

Dr Debra

SOLVE PROBLEMS ON A FULL STOMACH

This may be quite obvious to most of you, but I still see teen patients whose parents do not think about how irritable a hungry teen can be! And those same parents are surprised when their conversations do not get any response from the teenager. Teens cannot think well when hungry - and this reflects back to the neurochemistry that Sherri referenced. After eating, dopamine is released from the brain and the person who just ate feels a sense of well-being and calmness. This is probably the very best time to discuss problematic areas and how problem-solving can occur. Just remember, wait until after dinner not before to deal with important issues. Dr. Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day this weekend.  This holiday was originally established due to labor unions establishing better working conditions.  We typically view this holiday as the last weekend of summer. 

Spend this weekend talking with your teen about work, and the importance of having time for rest, family, and fun. 

And have an enjoyable weekend too!

Dr Debra

 

FACEBOOK FRENZY

School is about to return for most students.  The teens are texting and posting on facebook to update everyone about their summer and talk about returning to school.

Facebook is a wonderful way for people to stay connected.  However, many people use facebook in ways that are not helpful.  Cyberbullying has become an occurrence which often starts with facebook responses to posts. 

Help your teen see that anything he/she puts in writing can have consequences on their life plans.  Some universities w l view social network sites looking for the comments made by the applicant.

Good luck!

Dr Bebra

Back to School: Blues or Beginnings?

The end of summertime is nearing.  Many teens have started back to school this week or will start back next week.  Vacations are ending.  Sleeping late in the mornings will soon be a thing of the past.  Your teen may be feeling blue about the "end of freedom" and the tasks involved in restarting school.

But could your teen see this school year as a new beginning?  A time to think about priorities and set goals? 

How can we as parents help our teen be positive about the school year?  I would like you to think about a back-to-school tradition to establish with your teen.  One idea is to talk with your teen over the dinner table a week before school starts and ask him what things he would like to see be different this year and what things he sees from last year that he would like to continue.  Ask your teen how you can help him be successful in what he wants this school year.  Writing down his thoughts - goals, changes he wants to make, things to remain the same, can be extremely helpful.  Reviewing this with him a few weeks into school to see how he thinks he is doing and what he needs help with can help him also.

You have ideas of what would work best with your teen and your family.  I hope that your back to school tradition is something that you can use each year.

Dr. Debra

STRESS AND YOUR WORK AND YOUR TEEN

The topic of work and stress and family is always a sore point for many of us.  As Americans, we probably work harder than many folks around the world.  Our work environments are so fast-paced and intense that we frequently work longer than the eight hour work day and leave feeling that we still have so much to accomplish.

How does this effect our teens and our families?  Our teenager feels our stress when we come home.  As parents, we don't even have to talk about how stressed we are - our teen can pick up on this by our tension.  Sherri just wrote a blog about yeling at our teens - I think that many parents yell because of the stress they accumulate during their work-day.  How do we deal with this differently?

I strongly suggest that as parents we find a way to transition from work to home.  On the drive home, listening to peaceful music or a book on CD about relaxation, family relationships, or spiritual thoughts can be so helpful in setting a boundary between work and home.  Consciously telling yourself that you are going to leave the work stressors there and be an open and present parent to your teen before walking in the door of your home is a very valuable tool.  And this will be helpful for you as well as your teen.

Balancing work and parenthood is never easy.  But each step you take in being aware and taking action to improve this boundary is a step towards helping your teen.

Dr Debra

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

July 4th: Freedom and Fun

Today is July 4th!  The day which celebrates our American independence.  Today is a day for remembering those who sacrificed that we may live free.  And today is also a day for our teens to understand that part of freedom is having fun as we celebrate.

Sherri has commented that we should celebrate more with our family.  Celebration and fun is so important.  Our teens will remember July 4th as a time in which family enjoyed each other, had good food, and hopefully talked about why July 4 is such an important day for us.  I find that many teens do not seem to know much about our history - this day offers an opportunity to talk about that a bit.

But whatever you do today, have safe fun.  Many areas have been under a burn ban and are not safe to light firecrackers today.  Please be mindful of the need to be safe today. 

Happy July 4th to you and your family.

Dr. Debra

 

Celebrate Independence: July 4th Holiday

Juy 4th is just around the corner.  This holiday holds such significance for us as it marks our country's independence.  I cannot help but think that we should be celebrating our country's independence and discussing the importance of American independence with our teens. 

My perspective on the value of our independence has been shaped by listening to the stories of my parents and grandparents as they discussed our heritage.  Members of my family have fought in wars for American freedom since the Revolutionary War.  Listening to the sacrifices made by my ancestors for our freedom - so that I could live free  - has made me realize my debt of gratitude to the people who have come before me.

Sharing this information with our teens is invaluable to help them realize the importance of maintaining our freedom and independence.  And this also provides an opportunity to talk about the responsibilities involved in being independent - both as a nation and as an individual. 

While thinking about the meaning of this holiday, also think about having fun.  After all, our ancestors would want us to celebrate.  They fought to give us that opportunity.

Dr Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

I really liked what Dr. Debra wrote yesterday so for this weekend's family challenge why don;t you ask your school age kids, regular or college.  What wold you like to be able to say about the summer and how it went for you as you get ready to return to school.  See what is said and maybe help them brainstorm a bit.

Have a great and fun 4th of July.  Watch for the fire damage.  Sherri 

SUMMERTIME VALUE

Sherri and I have both been writing about how to use your summertime with your teen.  I wrote about helping teach your teen competencies in areas such as self-care and time management to help him when he goes to college or moves away from home.  Sherri talked about how to assess how your child did in school this last year and ways to help your child have a different outcome next year.

As Americans we are always evaluating the value of things.  How do we evaluate the value of summertime?  Summer comes and goes much too rapidly for all of us.  When school starts this fall or your teen leaves home for school elsewhere, how do you determine if you and your teen got "good value" for the summer?

I suggest sitting down with your teen now - as we get ready to enter the July 4th holiday weekend - and ask him what he needs to feel he has used his time in a way that will help him this fall.  Develop a plan of action for the remaining time of the summer.

But whatever you do, make sure you spend some fun time with your teen this summer.  The time we have with our teens is just as fleeting as summer.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend is father’s day.  How will you spend father’s day.  Maybe for the weekend family challenge this needs to be about your teenager’s father.  If you haven’t already done so talk with your teens about how they would like to honor their father on this special day.  Get them involved in the celebration.  You know I really believe we do not have enough celebrations.  Find something to do and have fun.  Sherri

 

SUMMER GOALS: VACATION VS WORK

Summer is here!  Most schools will be out for summer by the end of this week.  What does this mean for your family and your teen?

All of the teens I have talked to lately are focused on one topic:  vacation versus work.  All teens want to have fun this summer, hang out with friends, take life easy.  But they also feel the need to work - hopefully to make some money to help with college in the future or just to fund their fun with friends.  Some teens have even told me that they feel like they are in a real bind as to what to do.

As parents you can help your teen with this dilemma by teaching them how to balance fun with work.  I really like and agree with Sherri's last post about summer jobs.  If your teen can't find a paying position, doing volunteer work can be a very positive experience which can lead to opportunities as well. 

We like to make a list of all the fun things we would like to do over the summer as well as goals we have for the summer.  Everyone in the family participates in making his/her own "list"; then we share these with each other and look for common goals and fun times.  Deciding on some things to do together as a family can  be a positive experience - and everybody looks forward to those outings.  We inspire each other about goals we want to accomplish over the summer.

Have a talk with your teen about vacation and work.  Helping him plan his summer can be a good experience for you both.

Dr. Debra

MEMORIAL DAY REFLECTIONS

Yesterday I heard Memorial Day referred to as the start of the summer season.  I know that this is true.  When I was a child in upstate New York summer vacation did not start until late June so that did not seem so true.  We may not pay enough attention to Memorial Day being a day to honor those who have died defending our country.  We tend to see it as a day off, picnics and parties and maybe if you are lucky, family time.  I saW things on the news with government officials laying wreaths etc. but mostly it is about gatherings.  An individual in Dallas wrote the names of fallen heroes on the wooden sticks of small flags and put them in his front yard.  It was totally full of flags.  I’m really a pacifist but I ache about so many young lives cut short by war.  Whatever your beliefs, remember yesterday was about honoring war dead. 

Say a prayer for those that are gone, even if you don’t know their names.  Sherri

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SUMMER VACATION

Memorial Day weekend is upon us.  This holiday in remembrance of others is the marker for the beginning of summer.  School is already out or is about to be out soon.  Families spend this weekend often having backyard barbecues and hanging out and enjoying each other's company. 

Summer is a time for relaxation and vacations.  But is that the only way to use this time?  Having fun should be a definite priority this time or year, but so should working on goals you have laid to the side while you plow through the school year.  For some teens, this means that they can participate in activities that give them a better idea of what studies they may wish to pursue upon graduation.  For others, this means that they may spend some time working on fitness, volunteer work, a job, and spiritual development.

The family weekend challenge is to start talking with your teen about how he will spend the summer - both in fun and in other pursuits.

Have a great Memorial Day weekend!

Dr. Debra

Graduation Time

This month marks many graduation celebrities in high schools and colleges.  Students and their families are excited about the ending of this phase of their life.  Many people look ahead with anticipation; and may also look back with longing about the past.

How should we help our family move forward in a positive way at graduation time?  Reminiscing about the past experiences is healthy and should be done. Talking with each other - looking at old photos - and remembering the fun times as well as the challenging times is a good way for family members to look at this transition time.  Talking about the future and the positive things we may experience as we move forward is very helpful for young adults embarking on work or further education. 

Dr. Seuss says it best in "Oh, the Places You'll Go".  he talks about the excitement in moving forward in life and all the happiness to come.  But he also talks about the Bang-Ups and Hang-Ups people face. 

Reassure your young adult that there will be bumps in the road, and that you will be there to help them navigate them.

Congratulations!

Dr. Debra

Mother's Day: Celebration of the Family

Mother's Day is a day in which we honor mothers.  Many families may do something together such as having breakfast or brunch, or attending church or some other event.  Celebration occurs for mothers, but a bigger celebration of family is taking place.  By taking time to think about mothers, the entire family can reflect on the connections the family has with each other.

All families have positive memories and things to celebrate.  Too often we get caught up in the stressors of hard times or day-to-day life and forget to honor those important connections we have with our family.  Remembering each other and some of those positive memories can enhance communication between family members.

I encourage parents to keep notes about cherished memories they have of their family and children.  Reviewing those notes during difficult times can help us keep things in perspective.

But for today, celebrate the family!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend is mother's day.  This is the day that mothers are supposed to get a free day and for everyone to let you know how much you mean to them and how special you are.  I hope each of your feels special this year.  However, for the weekend family challenge why don't you take the time to let each one of your children know how special they are to you and how lucky you are to get to be their mother.  Have a great mother's day.  Sherri

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend spend some time with your teen talking about the end of school and the approach of summer.  Ask your teen what he would like to do this summer for fun and for work - whether volunteer or employed.  Ask your teen to set a deadline for when he will make inquiries into some work.  And talk with him about the positive benefits of working this summer. 

Helping your teen start planning for summer now will help him make the most of his summer.

Dr. Debra

 

 

COUNTDOWN TO END OF SCHOOL

Why am I writing about the end of school?  Because for some students school ends one month from today.  For other students, school may contonue five to six weeks from today.

Parents, think about how to make summertime meaningful for your teenager.  All too often, we become so busy during the academic year that we don't always make positive plans for summertime.  Any ideas?

Summer should be a time for fun. Plan with your teen some activities he would like to do and make a plan for the summer when you might do some of those together; also help your teen determine what fun activities he might want to do with friends.  Work can be a very important part of summer activity.  Explore with your teen all work options:  paid positions and volunteer positions alike.

Parents - think about what would help you feel good about the time you spend with your teen this summer.  Be sure to think about the things you most want to teach your teen and how you can fold in teaching opportunities.

Good luck with your planning!

Dr. Debra

 

EASTER, PASSOVER, AND YOUR FAMILY VALUES

Easter is indeed a time of new beginnings, as Sherri talked about in her last blog.  All of us should take an inventory of how we are interacting with others and try to determine if we need to make changes.  This is especially true of our interactions with our teens. 

I would like to suggest that as parents we stop and look at our family values and how that has shaped our values.  As Christians we celebrate Easter at this time.  This year, our Jewish friends are currently celebrating Passover.  Reflecting on what each of those religous celebrations signify is very important at this time.  Think about what values you would like your teen to take from this celebration.

Before you start outlining family values to your teen, let your teen explain to you how he sees this season of religious celebration.  You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that he has absorbed family values raealated to this time.

Happy Easter and Passover to your families,

Dr. Debra

NEW BEGINNINGS FOR YOUR TEEN

Every teen I know believes that he has done soething in his life that seems irreversible.  Being able to change behaviors and develop a new beginning is imoprtant.   But teens get stuck sometimes in their belief that a new beginning might not be possible for them.

How do you handle behaviors that you do not see as positive in your life?  Do you believe in backing up, reevaluating what happened, and deliberately choosing a different way to deal with that issue?  If so, great, you already know what to do and what help to get.  If not, then you need to think about how you handle issues in which you need to make a change

The best way to teach your teen about new beginnings is for him to see how you handle mistakes you make and start new beginnings.  Another good way for your teen to learn about this is to give him examples who did have new beginnings.

Good luck!

 

SPRING CELEBRATIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Spring has arrived!  Many positives come with Spring  which is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and religious celebrations.  Spring also indicates that summer is just around the corner and school is ending for the year.  What an exciting time in the life of your teen!

A special challenge for this time involves having fun, letting yourself enjoy all the beauty of spring, and balancing responsibilities involved with ending the school year.  Add into that equation celebrating religious holidays and you have a recipe for a busy but energizing season. 

I have found Spring to be a great time to sit down with your teen and revisit New Year's resolutions.  Looking at what you have accomplished and what you still need to move forward on can be helpful - this teaches your teen that it is OK to make progress, reassess, and figure out where to go from there.  Spring is a time of renewal - and renewing your goals can be a real positive. 

Renewing your spirit is probably the most important aspect of Spring.  For Christians, Easter is a celebration of the very basic belief of death, resurrection, and salvation.  I find for Christian families this reminder of faith can be helpful in building cohesion among family members and strenghtening faith.

So in this season of renewal and faith what else should your teen be thinking of - finishing school on a positive note.  Encourage your teen to balance fun with responsibility.  As a parent this is one of the most important things you can teach your teen.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

Spring Celebrations and Resolutions

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  This season can mean many things for your family.  Some families see this as a time to celebrate winter ending and warmer weather coming.  Other families see Spring as a time to clean the house and prepare for the wrap-up of the school year. 

Spring can be a great time to celebrate with the family.  Easter is a Christian holiday associated with Spring; other religious faiths have holidays associated with this time as well.   A positive tradition can be to celebrate together the beginning of the season, whether you are having a time of spiritual celebration or celebrating the onset of warmer weather.  Scheduling a consistent time for celebration as a new family tradition can be very positive for your family.

I think the onset of Spring can be a good time to revisit your New Year's resolutions as well.  Most New Year's resolutions are made and then broken within a month.  Revisiting the resolutions can be helpful to decide what is reasonable and what is not reasonable at this time.   This might be a time for the family to set a resolution for the remainder of the year.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

 

 

Teaching Balance to our Teens

Reading Sherri's blog made me think about the importance of balance.  Generation Me is a generation out of balance.  The focus is on "it is all about me and my needs."  Sherri has talked about how we have overcorrected and focused so much on our teens feeling good about themselves that we have awarded them for "showing up."  No wonder they think the world revolves around them and their needs!

Clearly we want our teens to have the capacity to focus on and want to help others.  But we should also want them to be able to recognize the things in life that they need to celebrate.  Some celebrations should occur for routine events:  birthdays and holidays.  Other celebrations should occur for special events and accomplishments, such as graduation. 

Help your teen develop this important sense of balance.  He should be able to have the enjoyment of thinking about and helping others and should be able to have the enjoyment of celebration.

Enjoy teaching your teen about balance!

Dr. Debra

Spring Break and Your Teen

Spring break is upon us this week.  For many teens, this means hanging out at home with friends.  For other teens, this might mean travelling on a family vacation or school trip. 

Everyone needs a break - and spring break can be such a valuable time for your teen.  Getting a break from study and being able to sleep in are at the top of every teen's list.  Encourage your teen to take time to rest and spend time with friends having fun.  Time for play is important.

So is time spent with family.  Use this time to take the opportunity to see how your teen is thinking about the rest of the school year.  Help him prepare for deadlines he might be facing when he returns to school. 

For those of you who have seniors in your home, this might be the last spring break that you spend some time with your teen.  Make the most of it!

Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge: Spring Break Week

Next week is spring break for many schools.  You probably have plans for your teen and family for spring break.  If you do - great. Be on the lookout for opportunities to talk with your teen about how other people feel.  Discussing the recent tragedy in Japan with the tsunami might be a way to discuss thinking about other people.  If you don't have spring break plans, make some with your teen.

Dr. Debra

Helping Your Teen with a Difficult Decision

I don't know about you, but as a parent I find it difficult to help my teen sometimes with difficult decision-making.  The most difficult part of this is watching your teen struggle with the consequences of his or her decision-making.  I know that I want to rescue my teen sometimes, but rescuing your teen from consequences does not allow him to learn from these experiences.

We need to help our teens think through each decision and help them learn from those decisions.  Pointing out the consequences of a negative choice can help but don't be surprised if your teen does not listen to you.  No doubt you have had that experience already!

Where we help our teens the most is helping them understand "where things went wrong."  As parents we must accept the fact that our teen will make some mistakes.  And we need to be there to help them figure out what went wrong and how to make it better.  If they don't have the experience of making mistakes while still living with us, they will struggle more when they have to make decisions later.

Dr. Debra

Making Each Day Count with Your Teen

Today we celebrate Valentine's Day.  Seems like we were just celebrating Christmas and New Year's!

Holidays are great times with family and friends.  Your teen especially enjoys holiday time - being away from from school is reason enough to enjoy holiday times.  Special days like Valentine's Day can be a fun time as well.

But what do we do on "regular" days?  Do we do anything to make each day special, to celebrate each day?  I know that most of us are busy trying to just get through our work day and other obligations; and this can interfere with us having a focus on the importance of time with our teen.  Because our teen is rapidly approaching adulthood and will be leaving home, we need to focus on making each day count.

How do we do that?  Just checking in with our teen, asking about his day, his thoughts, his experiences can be a way of making each day count.  Trying to celebrate the day in some small way can also be an important way to make the day special.

If you think about it, you can probably think of even more ways to make each day count with your teen.

Happy Valentine's Day,

Dr. Debra

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Valentine's Day is approaching on Monday.  Find a time to ask your teen what he thinks is special about Valentine's Day this weekend.  Plan something to surprise your teen; your surprise can be a card in which you write some of the things you think are special about your teen.  Another consideration would be to think about something to make the day special for your teen such as preparing a favorite food.   Surprise your teen!

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr. Debra

Due Diligence in Dating

We have been talking about critical thinking and decision making.  One area in which our teen needs to use critical thinking relates to dating!  Attraction and hormones tend to rule the decisions our teen makes in this area, not careful thinking about the person he or she may be "talking to" or dating.

Due diligence involves getting to know a person - his values, his likes/dislikes, and his history.  Dating is about getting to know another person - and most teens will "talk to " someone via text-messaging or cell phone conversations for a time before actually dating. 

Help your teen think about the things he or she should ask about during this "talking" phase.  Many teens won't think about  some important topics.  Some topics you might consider discussing would be as follows:  Who is in the teen's family?  How does he get along with family members?  Does he attend school regularly?  What extra-curricular activities does he like?  Does he go to church?  These are questions your teen might want to ask along with the usual type of questions as to which music does he like, food he likes, etc.  Your teen might know a lot of little details about a potential boyfriend or girlfriend without know the big details. 

Help your teen think about what he or she needs to discuss with potential love interests.  After all, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week Sherri and I have blogged about critical thinking and how to help your teen develop this skill.  The challenge for you this weekend is to listen to your teen and look for something he is talking about that he can apply critical thinking skills to the problem.  Get him to tell you how he is thinking about that topic and how he developed his ideas.

Have fun!

Dr. Debra

Implementing Change with Your Teen

New Year's Day has passed.  We brought in the New Year with positive thoughts and resolutions.  We have taken the first step to implementing change - which is to identify what we want to improve.

Identify with your teen the changes he wants to make.  While you are doing this, help him focus on what changes are really important.  I heard someone today say that when we make resolutions, we tend to shoot too low.  We should be thinking of those things that are most important.

After identifying the changes, decide how much change and by when - in other words, set specific measurable achievable time frames and goals.  For example, if a family goal is for the family to communicate better, set a specific time each week for a family meeting and decide in advance what things you should be talking about.  School, work, faith issues are topics you might want to consider.

The more you can teach your teen about taking the right steps to make change, the better you equip him to cope with change in the future.  And you can teach him how to take control of what he can to make change a positive event.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This is a special weekend for families.  You will most likely be spending some of the New Year's weekend with your teen.  As you think about the upcoming New Year and New Year's resolutions, ask you teen to think with you about making a New Year resolution for the family.  This can be something as easy as continuing to do things as a family that you do now:  dinner together, setting down weekly to coordinate schedules, having a "fun time" together every week.  Or you can brainstorm something new to do.  You might even think about establishing a new family tradition.  The possibilities are limitless as we enter the new year.

Happy New Year to you and your family.

Dr. Debra

What Choices does our Teen have about Change?

One constant in our world is that things do not remain the same - change occurs whether you mean for it to happen or not.  Keeping that in mind, we have to try to determine what change we can effect versus what change happens without our input.  How we handle changes gives our teens a guide for how they can make decisions about change.

We must first decide what change we would like to see happen.  Common New Year's resolutions include exercise, weight loss, budgeting, and perhaps improving one's job.  Certainly these are important items to want to improve.  But what are other changes that we might want to consider?  I encourage you to think about what you will think is truly important ten years from now.  That thought might cause you to think about other matters, such as improving communication with important people in your life, or making the practice of your faith more of a priority.  These are things you can work to change in the way you would want. 

Realistically, we need to also think about change that we can't necessarily stop.  One obvious example would be "getting older."  I am sure that most of you with teens have had the experience of your teen pointing out your gray hair or wrinkles.  Although no one likes the idea of "getting older" , gracefully accepting these changes provides a good role model for your teen.  He will learn that some changes may not be the ones you would choose, but you can accept those changes.  And go on and thrive even with that gray hair!

I would encourage each of you to think about the changes you would like to have an impact upon this year.  And I would encourage you to ask your teens to think of something he thinks is important to change during this coming year.  Let him see he does have some choice about what he can change.

Dr. Debra

MAKING CHANGE EASIER

Yesterday I blogged about setting goals for the new year.  Setting manageable goals is important to keeping your goals but what else?  Find a accountability partner.  This could be someone you walk with, your spouse, a workmate; anyone who encourages your progress.   This will help keep you on the treadmill.  

If you mess up you have not failed.  As humans we tend to easily revert to the patterns we are used to.  So no matter what get back on track.  When you are developing a new behavior you will find you will start to do the old behavior and then have to stop and continue with the new behavior.  You can mark your progress with how soon into the old behavior you notice and make the switch.  

Note your progress with the positives not the times you continue the old behavior.  That means that you should not see those times as failures.  

Eventually the progress of the new behaviors will self monitor.  I have been watching my younger daughter who has been watching what she eats and running.  I see her making better choices with increasing frequency as she feels good about her progress.  When you are trying not to yell at your child you will be encouraged by the eventual changes in your relationship.  

So happy New Year and if you are setting goals make them reasonable.  If your teen talks about setting goals tell him/her what you are trying.  Sherri