Parenting with All the Pieces

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

TEENAGERS PICKING THEIR PROFESSIONAL CAREERS

There seems to be a big push today to decide in High School, and even middle school, a career path. This is certainly the course in some European systems but no so much here. I recently spoke with a High School Freshman who was distraught because her father had told her the different interests she had would not be good career choices. The future she saw was working in a cubical and being unhappy for the rest of her life. I believe we need to help our children look at their gifts and talents and think about their future but at times we try to lock them in too early to a career choice. In middle school and high school they need to be exploring their gifts and talents to find out what they are good at. If they know they want a certain career that is certainly fine. My oldest daughter knew she would be a vet since she was very young. I didn't encourage or discourage this but supported her. As a junior in high school she worked part time for a vet and determined that mostly vets spayed and neutered dogs and cats and she would be bored. This was a crisis of identity for her. She navigated the waters of this crisis and did fine but she had embraced being a vet as part of who she was. If your teen does not yet know what they really want to do please don't worry. Help them find opportunities to find out what their gifts and talents are. This will help. I also believe that in college they are exposed to many new things and that opens door they may not have known were there. Relax, enjoy the ride.

TRADITION VERSUS CHANGE AND YOUR TEEN

I just finished watching the play "Fiddler on the Roof." The theme of tradition versus change is a major consideration in this play. Watching how young adults navigated their struggle of how to follow their hearts and not follow tradition made me think of the changes our teens will face. Tradition is important. Family and religious traditions keep you anchored during the storms of life. So how do you help your teen evaluate when to follow his heart and when to follow tradition? Teaching traditions to your teen will help him learn important values and coping skills. Teach critical thinking skills as well so that your teen can balance between tradition and new data he encounters. I read a statement today that gives me pause to think: Goodness without knowledge is weak....but Knowledge without goodness is dangerous. I think that following traditions without understanding where they came from and how they help us is a bit like having goodness without knowledge. Having a clear understanding of his family and religious traditions will help your teen when he has to make choices regarding tradition and change.Dr. Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

SPRING CELEBRATIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Spring has arrived!  Many positives come with Spring  which is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and religious celebrations.  Spring also indicates that summer is just around the corner and school is ending for the year.  What an exciting time in the life of your teen!

A special challenge for this time involves having fun, letting yourself enjoy all the beauty of spring, and balancing responsibilities involved with ending the school year.  Add into that equation celebrating religious holidays and you have a recipe for a busy but energizing season. 

I have found Spring to be a great time to sit down with your teen and revisit New Year's resolutions.  Looking at what you have accomplished and what you still need to move forward on can be helpful - this teaches your teen that it is OK to make progress, reassess, and figure out where to go from there.  Spring is a time of renewal - and renewing your goals can be a real positive. 

Renewing your spirit is probably the most important aspect of Spring.  For Christians, Easter is a celebration of the very basic belief of death, resurrection, and salvation.  I find for Christian families this reminder of faith can be helpful in building cohesion among family members and strenghtening faith.

So in this season of renewal and faith what else should your teen be thinking of - finishing school on a positive note.  Encourage your teen to balance fun with responsibility.  As a parent this is one of the most important things you can teach your teen.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week we have talked about decision making and helping your teens with the thinking that is important with decision making.  This weekend, try to find something that you or your teen is doing that takes decision making.  Encourage your teen to talk with you about how he or she would make a decision about that topic and have them talk you through their thinking process. 

Dr. Debra

 

Modelling Relationships for Your Teen

Do our teens listen to what we say?  Sometimes.  Do our teens notice what we do.  In one word - yes.  Believe it or not, your teen can probably tell you more about how you relate to others than you realize.  And they base their own relationships on how they see you behave in your relationships.

I think this goes back to the old adage of "Do what I say not what I do."  But in the case of teaching your teen how to have healthy relationships, the thought should be "Listen to what I say and do what I do."  We need to be consistent in behaving in a thoughtful, kind manner in our relationships with peers and significant others.  Your teen will hopefully behave the same way in his relationships. 

I don't know about you, but the fact that my teen is watching will make me think twice about my interactions!

Dr. Debra

Life is a Process

Life is a process - this is something I am learning as a parent.  I find that no matter how I might think about parenting with intention, the process of parenting throws me curve balls and I have to adjust.  Just like life - being observant and ready to adjust is something we all have to do regularly.  A wise woman once said to me "You never know what may be just around the corner."

But even so...thinking about parenting with intention helps you with the process.  Don't you find that thinking about potential situations in advance seems to help when you find yourself in those situations?  Parenting is an area in life which is just chock full of potential situations; honestly, even when you think you have covered all the bases you will find one which you did not anticipate.  Having thought about other issues can help you when you have to problem-solve an unexpected bump in the road.  A mother told me last week that just when she thinks she knows how to handle her special needs child that he changes his behaviors and she has to readjust to him.  I think that all of us experience this as parents.  The process is one in which we have to accept our teen is ever-changing and developing.  Our job is to help guide him through this process and hopefully give him the skills he will need to be able to see life as a process.

The lyrics of John Michael Montgomery describe this process in a way many of us can relate to "Life's a dance we learn as we go, sometimes we lead and sometimes we follow." 

Enjoy the process.

Dr. Debra

Making Summer Time Count

Time spent with your teen over the summer can be time well spent.  Fun should be a focus for time spent together.  Your teen and you can bond by engaging in fun activities.  And fun can be a great tool for learning valuable lessons.

Look around your community - many agencies sponsor recreational and educational activities all summer.  Our local community in Fort Worth has a wealth of activities such as summer plays, concerts in the garden, and museum displays.  All of these activities are enjoyable and educational as well. 

Your teen can learn how to have fun at home and learn how to manage the financial aspects of fun as well.  Many activities are free - summer plays provided by schools being one example - or are low cost.  Develop a budget with your teen and let him or her find activities to enjoy with you.  Your teen can begin to learn how to stretch his money in a productive way and still have a good time.

How else should summer count?  We have talked about fun and time spent together.  Service is another important way to make summer count.  Help your teen find a volunteer opportunity and help him develop a plan as to how he will help others through this activity.  Local hospitals, churches, and charity organizations are good places to start.

And one other thought...  Summer is a great time to help your teen learn practical life skills.  I am talking laundry, cooking, cleaning, and yard work.  Encourage them to learn how to manage these skills as preparation to be self-sufficient when they graduate from high school.  Believe it or not, I encounter college freshmen every year who don't know how to operate a washing machine. 

One of our jobs as a parent is to help our teen learn how to balance fun, learning, and self-sufficiency.  And summer is a great time for us to take on those tasks with our teens.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.