Parenting with All the Pieces

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

Wow it's December 18, 2012 and we are almost to Christmas. It seems that things are so busy that we don't take time to enjoy our families. I hear families tell me that they have so many things to go to for themselves and performances for their children that they feel overwhelmed. Thanksgiving seems to be extended family time. Christmas, traditionally for most Americans is about nuclear family. With our busy lives this is a time to reconnect with our kids. Whatever your plans for the holiday, delineate some time for playing family games, going to do something together, cooking together, and just spending time without other interferences. Enjoy your children and have fun. Sherri

HALLOWEEN IS ONE WEEK AWAY

Halloween is a holiday that children and teens love.  Whether they get to dress up at school or dress up after school to go trick or treating the feeling of fall excitement is in the air.  Some parents do not want their family to participate in Halloween due to thoughts about negative religious implications - and every family has their own way of thinking about this holiday.

We know when Halloween arrives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are not far away.  So the Holiday Season has officially started.  Now is the time to start thinking about how your teen will be spending his time and to make plans for the season!

Dr. Debra

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

Violence Against Americans in Libya and Egypt: Impact on Your Teen

Today we heard the frightening and sad news that the American ambassador in Libya was murdered with other Americans. The American Embassy was breached in Cairo, Egypt and the American flag torn down and burned.  And as I write this, rioting is occurring in Cairo against Americans.  These tragedies began on the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.  A great deal of speculation is being stated in the media as to the significance of these events happening on the 9/11 anniversary.  And people have been talking about this today with a mixture of disbelief and fear.

No doubt your teenager is hearing about this.  As I think about the blog Sharon wrote yesterday, I agree with her that we can not shelter our teens from the frightening information and risks that are present in the world both outside our door and overseas.  But we do want our teens to understand what is happening and to have some ideas as to how to cope in a crisis.

Help your teen understand the political and religious forces happening in the region where these tragedies occurred.  I have found that many American teens do not have much of an understanding of the volatility in that region of the world.  Reviewing the history of the area and the current issues there may help lower your teen's anxiety just because he will at least understand that these types of behaviors do not usually happen in a vacuum.  But no matter how well your teen may understand this, he also needs to understand that THERE IS NO EXCUSE for the behavior that is occurring there.  Talk with your teen about how he feels about these events and also help him voice how he would react if a violent event occurred in the area where he lives.

I hope that our teens never have to encounter this level of violence in their lives.  But as parents, let us help them think through how to react.

And let us have a moment to think about the families of those who died yesterday.

Dr. Debra

 

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

Gold Medals in Life

The Olympics are exciting to watch.  All of us are probably cheering for the USA as we watch these games.  The discipline and talent of these individuals is truly amazing.  I saw a post by a friend on facebook that she did not think she would ever do anything resembling what these athletes have done.  As much as I admire the Olympians, I cannot help but think that many people every day deserve gold medals for things that many take for granted. 

What and how do we teach our teens about being a gold medalist in life?  I think we as parents have to be clear with ourselves about what we think is really important.  Relationships that are healthy and committed, work that is meaningful by providing for our family and aiding others in some way, and faith are important to us.  Helping our teens understand why these things are important will help them start to improve themselves in such a way that someday they will realize that you can be a gold medal winner in how you live your life.

Dr. Debra

Pornography and Addiction

Sherri wrote thoughtful blog about teens and porn.  Teens often become exposed to porn through the internet, but exposure can and often does occur in a variety of other ways.  Teens have media exposure to porn in the form of magazines, books, and television/movies.  And we can not discount the constant barrage of billboards, commercials, etc. which have pornographic undertones.

Addiction to any substance often occurs with gradual exposure and use of that substance.  With pornography, addiction begins with everyday media exposure to material which has undertones of pornograpy.  Over time, the teen becomes accustomed to the porn and will seek out other ways to increase his thrill from the material.  Magazines, movies, and the internet are the ways your teen may seek out porn. 

Many parents do not want to be a "policeman" but in this instance it is important to check your teen's phone and internet - you want to stop this cycle a soon as possible.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

3.)

A WORLD OF HATE

Last week I wrote on Facebook about something I had discovered that I found disturbing; what, is not relevant here. The point is, I am becoming more and more concerned about the world we are entrusting to our children. I remember growing up in a "Good Christian Home" where I was taught I was not acceptable to "hate" anyone. I'm unsure what is being taught today but I am realizing that if someone thinks differently from you and the issue is important (or not) we can not only hate them but see them as evil. I find this very disturbing.

I have a friend who is currently a Peace Corp Volunteer. In response to my "status" she posted this response: "I believe that there is simply too much thought of violence in our society. Being in South Africa and seeing how hard the Afrikaaners and the blacks are working to build a united country post-Apartheid, it makes me wonder why the USA is only interested in taking the other side down. Can we ever bridge the gap? Maybe when we decide it's important for the future we will." As I read this my hope is that it is not too late. I enjoy listening to Bill Moyer and one time I heard him say I learn the most when I have a guest that thinks differently from me. Difference should not scare us.

So why am I writing about this in a parenting blog? As parents we need to teach our children to not fear difference but to learn from it. This is not only true for our country but it will be true for them in relationships. Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about Cyber bullying. This contributes to bullying. We want our children to inherit a world that they could be proud to bring up their families, work and play. This kind of division is bad for our children in many ways. I hope we will all take this into account as we contribute to this polarization. Sherri

TRADITIONS

Yesterday I wrote about not pushing what was bothering you under the carpet for the holidays but making a plan to address the issue. After you have done that it is time to get to the business of enjoying the holidays. When there are changes in your life you can make adjustments in your plan or traditions. When my daughters were young and I had recently divorced their father I decided to change some traditions. I ask them to help me decide what we would do for Christmas dinner. They decided they wanted hot dogs and s'mores cooked in the fireplace. I had to do all the "cooking" it was too hot for them but they enjoyed this and for a number of years this was our tradition. I can't say I wasn't grateful when they decided to let go of this tradition but it was perfect for them at the time. Make whatever plan works for your family. Traditions are important and make the holidays special. Merry Christmas. Sherri

ONE WEEK AND COUNTING

ONE WEEK AND COUNTING

Christmas is one week from today. Many teens and their family members were shopping today for gifts. This week will be busy with wrapping gifts and preparing for the holiday. Everyone gets so busy this time of year with the "busyness" of the season. How do you handle this with your teen? Many families get very focused on trying to do everything to make their teen happy with material goods this season. This year try to spend time pointing out to your teen the importance of the season for you and your family. Through all the busyness, try to spend a few minutes each day talking with your teen. Help them with their tasks and help them make time to relax and just soak in the beauty of the season.

Trying to work on finding balance in this last week before the holiday is not easy – but is well worth it!

Dr. Debra

COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS

Christmas is two weeks from today. The media is letting us know that we need to be shopping to get everything completed in time for the holidays. We see these messages on television, on billboards, in the newspapers, on the internet. Our teens are noting these messages as well. So how do we handle the "countdown to Christmas" with our teens? Balancing the commercial messages with the spiritual meaning of the holiday is not an easy task. Realistically, we do look to give gifts so shopping is a part of the season. One way to think of shopping at this time of year is that more jobs are provided to people during this time. So your shopping helps the economy in the real way of providing employment. Spiritual preparation is very important during this time - and your teen may not get this message from anyone other than you. By spiritual preparation I am referring to reflections on faith and the importance of this time of year. I am also thinking about taking stock of relationships, especially family members and friends. Spending time with family, friends, and faith is a way to make the most of the holiday season. Help your teen think about how he is going to spend his time. And don't forget to factor in fun! Dr. Debra

GROOMING RESPECTFUL ADULTS

I was listening to the View this morning. They were ranting about all the current news about Cain and Penn State and the elections in general. I think for me, so much of this boils down to teaching our children to treat others with respect. As human beings we all need to be treated with human dignity. (I realize that child sexual abuse is another situation.) We all have been told "to respect our elders." That isn't what I'm referring to here. In all walks of our lives we need to think about treating all others with dignity. I think in part, that is what the Ten Commandments are really about. So as a parent how do you convey this to your children? I think it is difficult to teach this in words. It needs to be a value and something they observe in us. It is also what they need to see in our interactions with them. Those of you that have been reading our blog know I absolutely believe in having rules and boundaries with children. I believe there have to be consequences when these are not followed. This being true does not negate the need to also treat those same disobedient children with respect and human dignity. When they react to us in a manner that is less than this we need to remind them that we treat them in a respectful manner and we expect that returned in kind. In this manner I believe we will eventually help them develop this value for themselves. Respectfully submitted. Sherri

PUNISHMENT NEEDS TO HURT TO WORK???

This morning I was watching The View and during Hot Topics they discussed Michael Pearl's book To Train Up A Child. It seems that in this book he discusses using a "switch" and later a rubber hose to punish children. They reported he said he had never met a well-adjusted adult that was not spanked as a child. He also is reported to have said punishment needs to hurt to work. What worries me is that parents have purchased his self-published book. You know I believe that it is the parent's job to help a child learn how to function in this world. Parenting is about training your child about the ways of our world. They start as a blank slate. They learn everything from us. If we use hitting and yelling as the training model what have we actually taught them about our world and how to succeed in this world. We need to think about a model that is based on teaching and when necessary using techniques of discipline to alter behavior patterns. We should not support anyone that advocates using switches and rubber hoses to teach children about the ways of the world. You do not train adults in a foundation of fear. It is obvious I feel very strongly about this. Thanks for letting me vent. Sherri

Post Script: After I wrote this I saw a brief on my home page that said there have been some deaths of children linked to his "abusive" child rearing practices.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS APPROACHING

Everyone you look you see signs of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween occurred one week ago, which tends to start the holiday season for teenagers and families. As a parent, I always have lots of ideas about the holiday season and usually find that we do not have enough time to follow through with these ideas. And my teenager has ideas as well as to how we should spend the holiday season. For the next eight weeks we should all enjoy the holidays with our family and friends. The best way to do this is to ask each family member what he wants most to do this holiday season, and discuss as a family how you will spend the holiday together.

Setting priorities during the holiday season is important - and I hope you will help your teens not lose sight that the most important part of the holiday season is time spend with family and friends and observing your family's religious traditions. So easily your teen can get caught up in the commercialism of the season - you should be a role model for him about how to balance this time. Some teens get in the trap of trying to "squeeze it all in" and don't enjoy their season because they are too tired or overwhelmed.

Plan now for your holiday season. Help your teen balance finishing the semester at school with the festivities ahead.

Dr Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

I PRAYED FOR YOU

I am going to share with you a very touching story I was told this week. A grandmother raising her two young grandsons for her daughter who is unable to be with them at this time reported this story to me. She said the eight year old came home from school and told her it was not her fault that he had to go to a new school this year. He reported that his teacher told the class that she had prayed to God to give her the very best third graders in the world and her prayer was answered. She had the best third graders. He was relieved and felt proud. This summer has been very traumatic for this little boy and this was just what he needed to hear.

We may never know how our words will impact the children around us. This can be the children we live with or the children we encounter during our days. Children are so impressionable that whether we say things like this teacher did that really encouraged this hurting child or we say things that are hurtful because of our own emotions and level of stress and our words impact our children. Think before you speak. Sherri

STRESS AND YOUR WORK AND YOUR TEEN

The topic of work and stress and family is always a sore point for many of us.  As Americans, we probably work harder than many folks around the world.  Our work environments are so fast-paced and intense that we frequently work longer than the eight hour work day and leave feeling that we still have so much to accomplish.

How does this effect our teens and our families?  Our teenager feels our stress when we come home.  As parents, we don't even have to talk about how stressed we are - our teen can pick up on this by our tension.  Sherri just wrote a blog about yeling at our teens - I think that many parents yell because of the stress they accumulate during their work-day.  How do we deal with this differently?

I strongly suggest that as parents we find a way to transition from work to home.  On the drive home, listening to peaceful music or a book on CD about relaxation, family relationships, or spiritual thoughts can be so helpful in setting a boundary between work and home.  Consciously telling yourself that you are going to leave the work stressors there and be an open and present parent to your teen before walking in the door of your home is a very valuable tool.  And this will be helpful for you as well as your teen.

Balancing work and parenthood is never easy.  But each step you take in being aware and taking action to improve this boundary is a step towards helping your teen.

Dr Debra

THE TRAGEDY IN NORWAY: THE IMPACT ON YOUR TEEN

We are all saddened and horrified by the tragic shooting in Norway in which more than 80 teens were killed following the bombing in Oslo.  The media has been updating us regularly with these events.  I just finished reading an accounting of a teen who survived this ordeal.  Reading her experience was very unsettling; the descriptions of how people tried to flee but were shot down conveyed terror.

Your teen will hear about this.  How does this impact your teen?  The idea of young teens away at summer camp being murdered is so senseless that your teen will have difficulty comprehending why this even happened.  And at this point, we don't know the gunman's motives.  What we can surmise is that he is disturbed at a severe level to commit these atrocities.  Unfortunately, our media has already tried to label this act as being a political act.  This act was one of evil intent by someone who is disturbed at a deep level, regardless of his political or religious leanings.  And helping your teen understand that disturbed people with evil intentions walk among us is a job that parents do not want to address.  None of us like talking about this.  We would all like to believe that these incidents are just rare incidents and that these things "happen somewhere else."   I am sure the people of Norway would have never expected something like this to happen in their country, where the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded.  The next time you begin to think in that manner, just recall 9/11 in New York City.  These events happen everywhere.

So in going back to talking about this with your teen, what is the best course of action?  Get your teen to talk about his thoughts about what happened, as well as his emotional reactions.  Be certain to listen for any fear your teen has.  Help him think through how he might have reacted.  And be realistic with your teen.  He has a greater chance of having to deal with an incident in his lifetime than the generation before him.  Thinking about these incidents and how you would cope in the moment can help your teen be prepared as much as anyone can be. 

I am not suggesting that we encourage fear in our teens.  I am suggesting that we do the best we can as parents to help them be prepared for whatever they may face.

My prayers continue for the families in Norway.

Dr Debra

 

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

PRESENT, PAST, AND FUTURE and YOUR TEEN

Sometimes I forget that teens don't have the frame of reference that we do.  A major advantage of being a parent is that we can remember the past and how past events and present events can affect the future.  Our teens have difficulties with seeing this because they don't always understand the connections of events.

So how do we help with that?  I think that recounting memories can be extremely helpful.  Helping your teen remember memories from childhood begins to build a bridge to present events.  Discussing present events and future consequences of those events is instrumental in giving your teen a frame of reference.  One way to do this is to take the discussion outside of your teen and family and discuss something from history.  This is less threatening to your teen and does not personalize the discussion so much. 

Remember that discussions you have with your teen are similar to putting money in the bank.  Everytime you have a discussion about one of these topics, you are "saving" information for your teen to think about at some point in the future.

Dr. Debra

RAISING VALUED TEENAGERS IN A VALUELESS WORLD

As I listened to the morning news today I was struck by something I heard.  I have  a bumper sticker on my car that says if you are not appalled you're not paying attention.  I have had this for years and have not yet found a reason to remove it.  I have come to believe that anyone can say anything on the television, the internet or the news paper (among other places) and it then has credibility.  It doesn't matter if you are an athlete, CEO, president, congressional seat holder, actor or any of the other possible positions that give you the real or artificial position of "expert" I believe that most of the time the speaker believes what they are saying. I saw a movie one time where the speaker said you can get anyone to believe anything if you say it with authority.  Today when the news media's driving force is ratings not necessarily truth, anything is fair game.  

So today, how do you raise "valued" teenagers?  By valued I mean not that we value them but that they develop values.  One value is to tell the truth.  Truth is too frequently an elusive quality today.  In schools we are really no longer teaching critical thinking.  This does not meant that this never happens but it is not the norm in public school.  What this means is the students are not encouraged to question and inquire about what something means. As parents this is something we might consider encouraging in our children.  So when the dinner table discussion goes to whatever is currently the big issue in the news or whatever you  might encourage your children to explore the topic further.  After they have done so, or you do it together, talk about the range of possibilities.  What is truth and what is someones opinion.  We could also do this with advertising.  They can develop the ability to look critically at advertising.  To determine when a photo has been air brushed, when a claim in not realistic and why.  

I used to get emails about horrific dangers and would forward them to my daughters - DANGER- DANGER PAY ATTENTION!  one or both would look them up and at times let me know they were a hoax.   Help your children know when and how to question.  Help them to evaluate truth telling in the media.  This is pretty important.  For those of you already doing this congratulations.  For the others experiment with this.  Sherri

FINDING YOUR CHILD'S GIFTS AND TALENTS

Yesterday I got off on a tangent so today I will not be so verbose. 

Someone, I think it was James Dobson, said in a book that kids need an activity.  He reported that his father made him play tennis on a regular basis.  It made him angry but he did it and as an adolescent when nothing was right with the world he could play tennis and that is what got him through the unstable time of adolescence; one thing he was good at.   

Some of the kids I see have too many activities.  They have dance and soccer and piano and church groups etc.  The trick is to finding the balance.  I worry about the kids that have no time to themselves but I worry more about the ones that have no answer when I ask them about their interests or activities.  Hanging with my friends is not sufficient. 

So, if you are the parents of younger children please get them into one activity.  It may change until you find the fit but they need something to be good at. 

A teenager told me one time that High School is a great place for the smart kids, the football players, the band members etc. She said for me, the average kid; I don’t excel at anything, I hate to go there every day.  I have never forgotten this. 

Help you kids find a gift or talent.  Have a great day.  Sherri

 

LEAVING HOME

Your teen may be spending his last summer with the family before going off to college.  Today I saw a teen who graduated high school and his mother stated that the he will be travelling off to college in less than two months.  Two months....can pass fairly quickly.  Will you be ready to watch your teen leave home to go to college?

The summer before starting college can be such a valuable time for a teen and his family.  This is a time to emphasize that your teen is ready for this challenge, but that you are available as a resource to help him with this big change.

Discussing challenges he faced in high school and how he resolved them can be helpful in giving confidence.  And always helping your teen remember that he has a place with you when he needs to rest or retreat from the challenges of college can be especially helpful.

Make this summer a time that both you and your teen will remember.

Dr Debra

ARE YOU WORRYING ABOUT THE RIGHT STUFF?

Today we have so much access to practically everything our teenagers say to their friends.  So how do you know what to worry about?  Since I am a therapist let me just make a disclaimer about worry.  Either decide to address an issue or to not worry about it but just worrying solves nothing. 

We know that employers and universities look at the social networking sites when they are deciding about admissions and job offers.  Teenagers are by nature optimistic and don’t always understand how critical this could be in their future.  One might think that since politicians and others are in a negative light in the press for sexting this may help kids understand better. However, since this does not stop adults from sexting I wouldn’t expects teens to respond better.   But that’s not all, when our teens are using their own sexuality as a way to get attention via phone or Facebook they don’t really realize that it conveys disrespect for themselves. Teenagers today may feel that parents have provincial attitudes about things sexual.   As a result, sexuality is a way for teens to rebel.  Teenagers use things that parents overreact to as substance for rebellion.  In your own adolescence think about the things your generation used to rebel.  It was usually things that got a rise out of the parents. 

The same concerns hold true for the use of both drugs and alcohol and posting pictures etc from parties.  What may seem cool when one posts about it may not be so cool when the future employer turns you down for a job?

So, in keeping with the title of this post these are things to worry about. When there is sexual content or information about substance use parents need to step in.  You might consider restricting the use of texting and social media for a period of time.  And then they would need to earn back those privileges slowly and with monitoring.  But that is not all.  These are indications you need to dialogue with your teen.  Talk about their goals in life.  What messages are they giving others when they post content about sex and drugs or alcohol?   How consistent is that with their goals.  Remember, this should not be a lecture.  As we have discussed in the past; we need to listen more than we talk.  If we fall into the lecture mode they will shut us out. 

The next time I will discuss things we don’t need to worry about.  Sherri

 

 

ARE THINGS REALLY WORSE OR DO WE HAVE TOO MUCH INFORMATION?

Raising kids in this world today is very frightening.  It seems that it gets worse and worse or we as the parents have so many more options to monitor our kids that we know more and therefore worry more.  We live in a world where every bleep on the radar could become a national crisis.  I know there are true crises in this world and I am grateful that we have a way to be apprised of these world events.  It was difficult when I was raising my teenagers and that was before Facebook et al.  However, it was not before being able to talk to strangers on the internet.

I remember telling parents it was not alright to read their daughter’s diary or journal unless she had done something to loose that trust.  When I was a teenager we would hand out at a local soda shop and all our communication was there and of course talking on the telephone. Sometimes we were just being kids, flirting, telling secrets and embellishing things.  I grew up in a small town and I remember hiding out behind the fire station to practice cursing so we could get good at it if we ever had to use it.   Today between Facebook and texting parents can read all of their teenagers’ conversations.  We know things that in years gone by we did not have access to. 

I have decided I want to blog about this for awhile.  So watch for the next few blogs if this is your interest.  I will cover:  “Are you worrying about the right stuff”, “Should ignorance be bliss or when ignorance should be bliss”, “Trusting teenagers to experiment in order to define who they are”, and “Making the walls of the sandbox age appropriate”.

I will look forward to exploring this. Please add your comments if you agree or disagree.  Sherri

 

JUDGEMENT DAY

The blogs, Facebook, late night talk show hosts and others have all been full of comments, quips and explanations.  Whatever you believe and feel the world did not end on Saturday evening.  When I think about judgment day I think about something else entirely.  This morning my first two appointments referred to children being judged by influential adults in their lives.  Whether it is parents, teachers or members of the child’s “village” when a child receives negative judgment it can have a lasting impact on that child as an adult.  I have always believed that when a child does not meld well into the structure of the “village” there are reasons.  There can be multiple explanations why this could occur and frequently we are not privy to that information.  In addition, we tend to judge when someone does not meet the expectations we have or we think we know what is best. 

Please don’t confuse what I am saying.  I am a firm believer in discipline.  I believe the “village” has rules and that is important, and it is our job to help children learn how to follow those rules.  It is the other things we judge about.  Is the child smart enough, thin enough, driven enough, athletic enough, etc.  I raised two daughters that have some OCD about food.  It is not their fault, they were born that way.  They didn’t like foods to be mixed up, certain foods didn’t go together, and foods couldn’t touch, all the usual about OCD and food.  People would say they were too picky.  It was not other’s place to judge.  They didn’t know.  If your high school senior says I’m just not ready to go to college, I need time to figure out what I want to do; it is not for others to judge.  Does that mean they stay home and play WOW?  No they have to get a job and think at the same time. 

Children know when they are being judged.  It impacts their self esteem.  Children who have been judged a lot can become indecisive adults; afraid someone will be disappointed in them if the make the “wrong decision”. 

So today, think about the judgments you are inclined to make.  Is it useful or destructive?  Do you have the right to make that judgment?  Is the observation worth impacting that child’s self worth as an adult?

Thanks for listening.  Have a good day.  Sherri

 

Mother's Day: Celebration of the Family

Mother's Day is a day in which we honor mothers.  Many families may do something together such as having breakfast or brunch, or attending church or some other event.  Celebration occurs for mothers, but a bigger celebration of family is taking place.  By taking time to think about mothers, the entire family can reflect on the connections the family has with each other.

All families have positive memories and things to celebrate.  Too often we get caught up in the stressors of hard times or day-to-day life and forget to honor those important connections we have with our family.  Remembering each other and some of those positive memories can enhance communication between family members.

I encourage parents to keep notes about cherished memories they have of their family and children.  Reviewing those notes during difficult times can help us keep things in perspective.

But for today, celebrate the family!

Dr. Debra

USING THE BIN LADEN STORY TO TEACH OUR KIDS HOW TO REACT TO TRAGEDY

Yesterday I bloged about bin Laden’s death and how that is handled by families.  My daughter, a teacher commented and I would like to address her very wise insight.  She told her students “that death is always a tragedy, and to glorify death makes us too much like the terrorists we fight.” 

In these very troubled times we may not always know how best to address these ethical dilemmas with our children.  Yesterday, on the news, when  I saw a young woman tying red white and blue balloons on George Bush’s gate I found I felt regretful.  Realistically, I’m sure she did not know how to react and that is why the comment of the teacher, Kat, is important.  She may have seen this as something to celebrate and this is how she understood celebration.  As parents we need to help our children put things like this in perspective. 

Many are saying that bin Laden’s death is justice for his many wrongs to us and to countless others but death is always a tragedy. 

This is a very troubled world and in addition natural disasters seem to cause great tragedy to many.  I recently went to some training that seemed to address  how we react to events that occur and what happens when we do not understand or learn how to react in an appropriate manner.  As parents we should make sure that how we react is the model we want to give our children. 

I guess that’s enough said.  Pray for or world at this time. 

Sherri

 

BIN LADEN AND THE IMPACT ON FAMILIES

I guess I have to write about the world events related to the capture and killing of bin Laden.  I am saddened about myself to say that this had really left my conscious attention.  I just didn’t think about our inability to find bin Laden any more.  Last night a friend called me to say the President would be speaking about 10:30 but they weren’t saying about what.  “My first reaction was Oh no, what’s happened now…” 

For all of us there are mixed reactions.  Since bin Laden was the leader of al-Qaida at the time of 9-11 this was long overdue.  I was saddened to see how groups of Americans seemed pulled together last night as they rallied in support of this action.  Almost 10 years ago we were pulled together as a nation as we struggled to understand the events of 9-11.   From then we have been more polarized as a nation than maybe ever before.  We have lost sight of how as a nation we can achieve great things if we can act as one. We fight over all kinds of things and loose sight of the big picture. 

So this is actually a blog on parenting so how will I bring this back to task?  I have two ways to make this relevant.  1- Talk to your children about the events of last night.  Allow them to talk about how they felt and answer questions they may have.  Give them the space they need to have their own opinions.  2- As a nation we are seldom pulled together as one.  We need to use this thought and apply it to our own families.  Are we pulled together when we need to be and can we have separate identities when we need to?  A healthy family can do both.

Whatever you believe, these are difficult times in our world.  Pray for peace for all involved.  Sherri

 

EASTER, PASSOVER, AND YOUR FAMILY VALUES

Easter is indeed a time of new beginnings, as Sherri talked about in her last blog.  All of us should take an inventory of how we are interacting with others and try to determine if we need to make changes.  This is especially true of our interactions with our teens. 

I would like to suggest that as parents we stop and look at our family values and how that has shaped our values.  As Christians we celebrate Easter at this time.  This year, our Jewish friends are currently celebrating Passover.  Reflecting on what each of those religous celebrations signify is very important at this time.  Think about what values you would like your teen to take from this celebration.

Before you start outlining family values to your teen, let your teen explain to you how he sees this season of religious celebration.  You might be pleasantly surprised to hear that he has absorbed family values raealated to this time.

Happy Easter and Passover to your families,

Dr. Debra

REFLECTIONS ON EASTER

Easter is really late this year.  Growing up in New York State Easter was frequently a snowy day.  I recall scraping ice off the car window to drive to the sunrise service.  Now, in Texas, it is a different thing.  Today it is currently 90 degrees. 

This thing I have always loved about Easter is that it seems to me to be about new beginnings and spring is either here or just around the corner.  I love the onset of spring because it is the end of the dreary winter and everything is new and fresh.  This seems to be true about Easter.  Infinite possibilities about new opportunities and beginnings. 

As a parent what does the mean for you?  I think that all new beginnings times are a time for us to reflect upon the things that we might want to alter.  This week we have been talking about new beginnings and changing the things that we think might work out better if we made a course correction.  I think parenting like most aspects of our lives are a work in progress.  So, don’t get stuck thinking you can’t change direction. 

Have a great Easter and fun looking at course corrections for you.  Sherri

 

SPRING CELEBRATIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Spring has arrived!  Many positives come with Spring  which is a time of renewal, new beginnings, and religious celebrations.  Spring also indicates that summer is just around the corner and school is ending for the year.  What an exciting time in the life of your teen!

A special challenge for this time involves having fun, letting yourself enjoy all the beauty of spring, and balancing responsibilities involved with ending the school year.  Add into that equation celebrating religious holidays and you have a recipe for a busy but energizing season. 

I have found Spring to be a great time to sit down with your teen and revisit New Year's resolutions.  Looking at what you have accomplished and what you still need to move forward on can be helpful - this teaches your teen that it is OK to make progress, reassess, and figure out where to go from there.  Spring is a time of renewal - and renewing your goals can be a real positive. 

Renewing your spirit is probably the most important aspect of Spring.  For Christians, Easter is a celebration of the very basic belief of death, resurrection, and salvation.  I find for Christian families this reminder of faith can be helpful in building cohesion among family members and strenghtening faith.

So in this season of renewal and faith what else should your teen be thinking of - finishing school on a positive note.  Encourage your teen to balance fun with responsibility.  As a parent this is one of the most important things you can teach your teen.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

VALUES AND YOUR TEENS

Reading Sherri's blog and comments made by readers stimulated my thoughts about our teens and the values and observations they have.  Observing our behaviors and our values impacts our children and how they value other people, objects, and themselves.  We model for them what is important.  And the words we say do not always match our behaviors.

I was talking to a teen one day who told me "It is important to win no matter what."  He talked about how he does not mind hurting people who he is competing against in athletic events.  Upon further discussion, he revealed how he learned from his parents that "winning is everything" and that "people don't matter."  He could remember many conversations he had overheard between his parents in which he heard them talking about how they would work at making themselves look better to bosses as a way to get a raise or better positions.  He began to develop a framework that people are not important but success is.

I talked to another teen who talked about a completely different way in which she thought about people.  Her comment was that people and your relationship with those people were very important; more important than winning.  She discussed watching her parents help people who were their friends and church members.  She could remember at holiday times watching her parents find ways to help people who were less financially fortunate than their family.  She then talked about how in high school she had worked to develop assistance for children who were hospitalized as a way to reach out to others.

What did each of these teens have in common?  Both had learned how to think about and interact with people based upon listening and observing their parents.  So many things we say and do are observed and used by our children to help them develop their value system and world view.

I like to think that hopefully we are paying it forward with our teens - that something they learned from us may be beneficial in helping others.

Dr. Debra

 

"SAUCING" - ARE YOU KIDDING ME!

Today on the morning news shows I heard about a woman that might be charged for "saucing" her son.  It seems this is a practice of pouring hot sauce in your child's mouth and making them keep it in their mouth without swallowing it.  First of all, I am outraged that we have come up with a "cute" name for an abusive practice.  It seems if we give it a cute name it may be more palatiable.  

That is however, not my main issue with this practice.  When we are raising children we are teaching the child how to become a high functioning adult.  When their behavior does not fall within an acceptable range it is our responsibility as the parent to guide that child and assist them in learning the proper behavior.  At times this involves consequences for the misbehavior.  There is a difference between consequences and punishment.  Punishment may alter a behavior but only if we are likely to find out about it.  We do not instill self regulation of responses with pain or humiliation. Pouring hot sauce in a child's mouth is only about hurting the child not about correcting the behavior.

I continue to be appalled and I am more and more concerned that we are not a society that cherishes children.  Let me know where you stand on this.  Thinks for allowing me to rant.  Sherri

Due Diligence in Dating

We have been talking about critical thinking and decision making.  One area in which our teen needs to use critical thinking relates to dating!  Attraction and hormones tend to rule the decisions our teen makes in this area, not careful thinking about the person he or she may be "talking to" or dating.

Due diligence involves getting to know a person - his values, his likes/dislikes, and his history.  Dating is about getting to know another person - and most teens will "talk to " someone via text-messaging or cell phone conversations for a time before actually dating. 

Help your teen think about the things he or she should ask about during this "talking" phase.  Many teens won't think about  some important topics.  Some topics you might consider discussing would be as follows:  Who is in the teen's family?  How does he get along with family members?  Does he attend school regularly?  What extra-curricular activities does he like?  Does he go to church?  These are questions your teen might want to ask along with the usual type of questions as to which music does he like, food he likes, etc.  Your teen might know a lot of little details about a potential boyfriend or girlfriend without know the big details. 

Help your teen think about what he or she needs to discuss with potential love interests.  After all, Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week Sherri and I have blogged about critical thinking and how to help your teen develop this skill.  The challenge for you this weekend is to listen to your teen and look for something he is talking about that he can apply critical thinking skills to the problem.  Get him to tell you how he is thinking about that topic and how he developed his ideas.

Have fun!

Dr. Debra

Critical Thinking and the Arizona Shooting Tragedy

Critical thinking is important for us to help our teens develop.  Sherri's blog about finding ways to help your teen develop this skill through game playing and other strategies is an excellent way to help your teen sharpen those thinking skills.

What we as parents do to help our teens critically think about the tragedies we face?  The terrible tragedy of the Arizona shooting is in all of our media outlets - your teen probably has seen or heard of the murder and injury of the Congresswoman and others in Arizona.  How do we apply critical thinking to this tragedy?

Let your teen tell you what he or she thinks about this tragedy.  Ask him how he feels about this horrible event.  After he expresses his thoughts and feelings, ask him why he think this happened.  Ask him what he thinks about the intern who rapidly attended to the Congresswoman and why his actions were important.  Ask him how he would handle being in such a situation.  We don't want to discuss these painful events with our teens, but helping them process this and helping them think about what they would do in a crisis situation such as this is important.  By talking through such a tragic event and helping your teen think about this critically you are not only helping him learn how to continue thinking even when he has sad or fearful thinking, you are helping him be prepared for crises.

Tonight I ask for all of us to pray for the families of the people who were killed or injured in this tragedy.    

Dr. Debra

Implementing Change with Your Teen

New Year's Day has passed.  We brought in the New Year with positive thoughts and resolutions.  We have taken the first step to implementing change - which is to identify what we want to improve.

Identify with your teen the changes he wants to make.  While you are doing this, help him focus on what changes are really important.  I heard someone today say that when we make resolutions, we tend to shoot too low.  We should be thinking of those things that are most important.

After identifying the changes, decide how much change and by when - in other words, set specific measurable achievable time frames and goals.  For example, if a family goal is for the family to communicate better, set a specific time each week for a family meeting and decide in advance what things you should be talking about.  School, work, faith issues are topics you might want to consider.

The more you can teach your teen about taking the right steps to make change, the better you equip him to cope with change in the future.  And you can teach him how to take control of what he can to make change a positive event.

Happy New Year!

Dr. Debra

What Choices does our Teen have about Change?

One constant in our world is that things do not remain the same - change occurs whether you mean for it to happen or not.  Keeping that in mind, we have to try to determine what change we can effect versus what change happens without our input.  How we handle changes gives our teens a guide for how they can make decisions about change.

We must first decide what change we would like to see happen.  Common New Year's resolutions include exercise, weight loss, budgeting, and perhaps improving one's job.  Certainly these are important items to want to improve.  But what are other changes that we might want to consider?  I encourage you to think about what you will think is truly important ten years from now.  That thought might cause you to think about other matters, such as improving communication with important people in your life, or making the practice of your faith more of a priority.  These are things you can work to change in the way you would want. 

Realistically, we need to also think about change that we can't necessarily stop.  One obvious example would be "getting older."  I am sure that most of you with teens have had the experience of your teen pointing out your gray hair or wrinkles.  Although no one likes the idea of "getting older" , gracefully accepting these changes provides a good role model for your teen.  He will learn that some changes may not be the ones you would choose, but you can accept those changes.  And go on and thrive even with that gray hair!

I would encourage each of you to think about the changes you would like to have an impact upon this year.  And I would encourage you to ask your teens to think of something he thinks is important to change during this coming year.  Let him see he does have some choice about what he can change.

Dr. Debra

Yesterday I read a Facebook post from my cousin.  She noted that she was sick of hearing others talk about what they got or wanted.  She wanted peace, others illnesses to be cured and parent-less children to be adopted.  That got me to thinking.  I just read Debra's post from yesterday.  For weeks we have been posting about holidays and your teens, family time the the real meaning of Christmas.  In my office too often I hear families discuss the stress of Christmas.  Not just the preparations and cost but family interactions.  So many families find the family interactions even if just the nuclear family to be stressful and chaotic.  The best gift you can give your family but also yourself is to find patience but better, to focus on the real meaning of Christmas and the reasons you want to spend time with your family and have it be a wonderful memory.  If that means some things don't get done the relationships mean more.  

Have a truly Merry Christmas and remember why your family is important to you in the first place.  

Sherri

OVERCOMING THE GRINCH

Yesterday I talked about finding your heart for Christmas.  If you find this difficult to do think back to what you have always enjoyed about Christmas in the past.  If you have no real fond memories what would you like it to be.  I'm not talking about a fantasy but the feeling you want to have that is realistic.  Think about the meaning of Christmas for you.  Christmas will be spiritual for many of you.  For others is maybe about family times and bonding.  It could be about doing for others, acts of service.  

Whatever it may be build this into your celebration plans.  For me most of these things are important but if I had to choose it would be family time.  During the holidays we have many traditions that are all about time together.  Other responsibilities go on the back burner. We play games together, cook together, and other such things.    Prior to that we all decorate the house together and have fun planning what to do and how to do it.  Whatever it is we spend the time together.  

When my oldest daughter cames home from college the first year she told me she was suprised how her friends dreaded going home becuase the holidays included family fights.  She said I was shocked I always thought everyone had the same experience we had of having fun being together.  She said I love the holidays at out house.  So know that your traditions are important.  If you have no regular traditions maybe this is the year to start some.  But first determine what feeling you have in your heart.  Have a wonderful Christmas.  

Sherri

ACTS OF SERVICE

    We have been blogging a lot about family time and other related topics for your teens during the holidays.  I have been thinking tonight about what are the things that are really important for us to give our kids the message about whatever holiday you and your family might be celebrating at this time of year.

I know everyone is very busy during the holidays but I think we send a good message when we find time to volunteer as a family for some worthy cause.   This could be about an angel tree, working in a soup kitchen or a food bank, or the family working together to raise money to provide toys for families in need.

Maybe the family could decide together what family activity you all would enjoy.  Have fun finding the best act of service for your family.  Happy Holidays.  Sherri 

Arguments and the Holidays

Do people in your family have arguments over the holiday season?  If so, you are one of many.  Why do arguments occur at this time of year - isn't everything "magical" during this season?  I think the expectation for everything to be special can often lead to arguments.  People set their expections to be at a very high level for everyone in the family.  Teens can often feel the tension and can react in an irritable manner which can worsen arguments.

So what are the arguments usually about during holiday time?  How much time you spend and with which family members can be a dilemma. What holiday events are the ones people want to attend - conflict can occur when different family members have different expectations as to who will accompany them to office parties, etc.  And for the teen - how much time does he get to spend with his friends?  So time becomes a major factor during this time of year. 

Another topic of argument can be who does what chores - chores increase with Christmas decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, cooking for open houses or school activities.  Who has time to add in those chores?  This is often the time of year that your teen says "I have so much school work to do there is no way I can help with anything else." 

I think it all goes back to expectations.  What does your teen expect from the holidays and his family?  And what does the family expect from the holidays and your teen?  I think as parents we have to be clear about what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.  For example, some family time needs to be special and protected - but perhaps we can compromise on how much time we allow our teen to have with peers versus family.

After all, the most important expectation is that family members remember the reason for the season - and have some fun with each other during this time.

Dr. Debra

 

REBUILDING TRUST

In the office of a therapist treating adolescents we encounter issues of teenagers breaking their parents trust.  When the violation occurs the parents are frequently heard to say "I will never to able trust you again." Or the other response is "until you are 18 or maybe 30."  Families are sometimes resistant to instructing the child in how to earn trust back.  They tell me that if I tell them what to do they will just do it and how will I know if it is real? If we remember that if we ask someone to do something and they do it that indicates they are trying to do the right thing.  This violation of trust is not the only mistake the teenager will make.  When a teenager keeps making the same mistake then the consequence is not good enough or there is another issue and professional help may be indicated.  But basically teenagers want things to be good between themselves and their parents.  It is like a light bulb going off when a teen says to be "I think I get it.  If I do what they tell me, go to school and do my homework I can just about do what I want."  

So to create a trust building plan.  It of course depends upon the violation. But basically following the consequence there should be a planned reinstatement of the violated privilege, returned slowly with monitoring.  For example, if the child is not where they say they will be the parents will check up on them with decreasing frequency until they feel they have gotten this.  Then sporadicly they check a bit longer on a random basis.  If they violate internet privileges it it the same process.  Check their websites with decreasing frequency to know they are following the rules.  I also tell the kids that if you mess up again don't try to hide it.  Go to your parents as soon as you get home and say I violated the rules tonight,  This is what I did.  There will be a consequence and reduction in freedom but it will not be a bad as trying to hide it.  They are sometimes slow to learn that parents always find out.  Teen are a bit slow to accept this but I convince them (and the parents) the the consequences will be less if they tell the truth.  

As always I feel we need to give our kids lots and lots of positives even when or especially when we are upset with them. 

Good luck with this.  Sherri