Parenting with All the Pieces

WHAT ARE WE DOING TO OUR DAUGHTERS?

This is a diversion from my plan for the blog today. Sometimes I hear something that makes me change my plan. This morning on Good Morning America the Girl Scouts of America were interviewed about their new initiative to get more girls involved in scouting. They have changed direction of Girl Scouts to help young women be all that they can be. They quoted a study that talked about the small number of women in leadership positions in jobs in America. I tried to find the stats but I have not been successful in that endeavor. But what they did say that this trend for females to move away from leadership position goals begins in middle school. I was not surprised but I was appalled. As a nation we need to pay attention to helping young women find heart for moving into more of these career goals. Although women are dominating the fields in medicine and science we are still not moving into these positions. Just food for thought and maybe action. Sheri

RAISING VALUED TEENAGERS IN A VALUELESS WORLD

As I listened to the morning news today I was struck by something I heard.  I have  a bumper sticker on my car that says if you are not appalled you're not paying attention.  I have had this for years and have not yet found a reason to remove it.  I have come to believe that anyone can say anything on the television, the internet or the news paper (among other places) and it then has credibility.  It doesn't matter if you are an athlete, CEO, president, congressional seat holder, actor or any of the other possible positions that give you the real or artificial position of "expert" I believe that most of the time the speaker believes what they are saying. I saw a movie one time where the speaker said you can get anyone to believe anything if you say it with authority.  Today when the news media's driving force is ratings not necessarily truth, anything is fair game.  

So today, how do you raise "valued" teenagers?  By valued I mean not that we value them but that they develop values.  One value is to tell the truth.  Truth is too frequently an elusive quality today.  In schools we are really no longer teaching critical thinking.  This does not meant that this never happens but it is not the norm in public school.  What this means is the students are not encouraged to question and inquire about what something means. As parents this is something we might consider encouraging in our children.  So when the dinner table discussion goes to whatever is currently the big issue in the news or whatever you  might encourage your children to explore the topic further.  After they have done so, or you do it together, talk about the range of possibilities.  What is truth and what is someones opinion.  We could also do this with advertising.  They can develop the ability to look critically at advertising.  To determine when a photo has been air brushed, when a claim in not realistic and why.  

I used to get emails about horrific dangers and would forward them to my daughters - DANGER- DANGER PAY ATTENTION!  one or both would look them up and at times let me know they were a hoax.   Help your children know when and how to question.  Help them to evaluate truth telling in the media.  This is pretty important.  For those of you already doing this congratulations.  For the others experiment with this.  Sherri

DRINKING, DRUGS, AND YOUR TEEN

Sherri's post on drinking and driving last week made me think about how drinking affects our teens. Teens who drink are at risk for other behaviors which can be dangerous such as using drugs and having unprotected intercourse. 

It seems so easy - just have a little drink.  "Come on, just one beer."  And before you know it, your teen has had a few drinks and is very relaxed.  So when someone says "Come on, it is just a joint, just try it."  And your teen becomes even more relaxed after a little marijuana.  "Come on, everybody else does it, just try having a little fun."  And your teen is sexually active - and probably having unprotected sex - after all, "everybody does it."

Talking about this with your teen is very uncomfortable for almost all parents.  But maybe approaching this from a different angle might make it easier.  Research was published last year that shows that using marijuana as a teenager or young adult can actually cause changes in the brain that can make the user more at risk for psychotic and bipolar disorders.  Very few teens know this - and discussing the effects of drugs on the brain can be helpful to both educate your teen and to open the door to discussing what can happen when using alcohol and drugs. 

Teens do not realize that using alcohol and/or drugs can cause them to become disinhibited.  And losing one's inhibitions is not a good thing - especially when you are keeping company with other folks who have lost their inhibitions.  Discussing this concept with your teen can help him or her be more aware of when they may be vulnerable to peer pressure.  Role playing how you might handle a situation like this can help your teen as well.  If he has thought about how he might respond before such a situation occurs, he can handle the situation in a more positive way.

Always let your teen know that you are available to discuss tough topics like this - and that you are available to come and get him if he needs you.  An older movie "Less Than Zero" portrays the downward spiral a teen (played by a young Robert Downey, Jr.) gets into when he becomes involved in drug use.  This movie is a tough portrayal of what can happen to a teen using drugs.  You might think about watching this with your teen.

Dr. Debra

Grades and Your Teen

Report card time!  Your teen has either received or is about to receive his first report card for this academic year.  Some teens are dreading their parents receiving the news that that report card is not going to look as good as the teen would like.  And some parents are dreading seeing that first report card.  There are teens who have been working hard and/or are very intelligent who will bring home a straight A report card.  Is there any downside to that? 

So how do you handle the "report card news" whether it is not as positive as you thought it would be or whether it is fantastic?  As a parent, the first thing you have to tell yourself is  "These are not MY grades - whether they are great or not so great."  I think a lot of parents see their child's grades as a reflection of the parent's self-worth sometimes.  Of course parents should be encouraging good study habits and helping their teen be as successful as he can be.  But the grades are your teen's grades, not yours.  The second thing you must do is not allow your child's self-worth be rated solely on his grades, whether those grades are high or low.  Obviously the child who does not make high marks will be at risk to feel he is deficient - and you should help him see that a report card does not completely define who he is.  If grades are lower than the teen would like, or lower than you think he is capable of making, I would suggest having a discussion about what factors influenced his grades and how he can make some changes to help him perform at his best for the next grading period.  Set some realistic goals with your teen about that next period.

So what do you do if your teen brings home straight A's?  Again, you should not get your self-worth tangled up in that success - this is your TEEN'S grades, not yours.  And you should congratulate him on a job well done.  But again - don't let your teen see his value as being solely dependent on the grades he makes.  Talk with him about what other activities he has going on in his life.  Be sure to talk with him about what he did to be successful with the grades, but also ask him if he feels he is being successful in other areas.  If not, this may open the door for you to help him think about and set goals for other areas in his life.

A lot to think about - but just remember, you should help your teen with his reaction whether negative or positive!

Good luck!

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

Anxiety and Your Adolescent

Anxiety is normal during the teen years.  Everyone is worrying about academic performance, sports, extracurricular activities (like band, drama) and of course their romantic interest!  You should expect your teen to exhibit anxiety and some panic-like behavior when he/she is about to go to homecoming or has some big test. 

But sometimes anxiety is more than you might expect.  How do you know if your teen has anxiety that might require professional help?

If your teen starts worrying excessively and that worry starts to interfere with his ability to function, then he has a problem which requires professional help.The signs of a developing anxiety disorder include excessive worry, a fear that seems unreasonable, physical complaints which do not bear out any medical illness, and sleep disturbance.  Oftentimes a few sessions with a therapist can shift anxiety that is just beginning to develop.  The sooner you get help for him or her the more quickly his/her functioning can return to normal. If your teen does not shift back to normal with some therapy, take him to his primary care physician for additional help.

After all, anxiety disorders are the most common mental health problem in America with a prevalence of almost 25%!  Makes you a little anxious just thinking about it - but there is not need to feel worried as anxiety disorders are very treatable.  Don't hesitate to get help if you think your teen needs it.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.