Parenting with All the Pieces

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: HOW IS SCHOOL?

Your teen either started school already or is looking to start next week.  Check in with him about what his expectations are about this school year.  Listen for concerns he may have as well as positive thoughts he has.  Help him think positively about the challenges he might face by identifying them and developing a strategy to make the challenges manageable.  Support the thoughts he has about what might be exciting about the school year. Include extra-curricular activities in your discussion such as sports and clubs.  Attitude can make a major difference at the beginning of school to the student and the teachers.

Dr. Debra

Time for Americans to Unite

The Olympics ended today.  America led the world in number of medals won: last count that I viewed, America had won 104 medals.  As a country we are proud of our athletes and their efforts.  Take a moment and appreciate feeling proud of American efforts.

When we listen to the headlines today, we hear so much about what is wrong with America.  And indeed America has her share of problems.  But America has a rich history of amazing accomplishments by individuals and groups.  And our history can continue in a positive manner - but this depends on US and our attitudes.  We need to teach our teens what it means to be American.  What differentiates our country from others?  What sacrifices have been made to establish America? 

Talk to your teen about America and pride in our country.  And talk about each of our responsibilities as an American to lift our country up in a positive way and do our part to move us forward.

Dr. Debra

 

HOW DO WE RAISE GOLD MEDALISTS?

Obviously I do not feel we should raise a child to be a gold medalist but how do we raise our children in a manner that they have a sense of commitment and direction in their life. I see so many teenagers that have no hopes and dreams. They have no interests that they pursue. But worse I see so many young adults that don't work, do not go to college or are in college but have no idea what they are good at or what they might be interested in pursuing. I watching this as often as I do I think it relates back to guiding our teen into becoming good decision makers. Too often they have parents that are afraid to allow them to make their own decisions. Parents are afraid to allow them to learn by their mistakes or even to own their successes. They often have what Foster Cline called helicopter parents that control the decisions their teen makes and are afraid to turn thing over to them. These young adults have no drive of their own, are fearful they will let their parents down, are afraid they will fail, are afraid they will make the wrong decision (like there is only one right decision) among other things. As parents we should encourage our teens to try new things. We should celebrate success with them and be a good listener when they are unhappy with how a decision has worked out. We should tell them often that we believe in them. We should restrain ourselves from pushing them into a direction we think would be best for them. As parents it is difficult to watch them be unhappy or for things to not work out well. But the sooner we encourage the less the impact. Be brave enough to allow your child to fail.  Sherri

OLYMPIANS AND COMMITTMENT

I love to watch the Olympics. I love to see teenagers and young adults that have committed to their craft so well that they have reached this level of competing to be the best in the world. It is difficult to see the tears when they don't succeed and heartwarming to see the tears when the win. There are certainly examples of families that push that individual until they reach this level but mostly families sacrifice to reach this level. Mostly it is about the teenager making the commitment to become an expert at something they are good at and enjoy. I believe the 10,000 hour rule applies here. This rule says anyone can be an expert if they do something for 10,000 hours. I know that teenagers are not expected to do anything for 10,000 hours but I worry when I see so many teenagers and young adults that cannot make a commitment to anything. They do not have any interests, they do not have hopes and dreams for their future, and they are essentially lost. Tomorrow we will look at how parents can help with this. Sherri

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND MAKING DECISIONS

Sherri has given us a lot to think about in her recent posts. She has discussed how you think through issues with your teen about feelings and relationships. I think that we can carry this further with helping our teen think about decision making. If our teen does not learn how to handle "small decisions" then he will not be able to work through more important decisions later. I often tell teens that there are two decisions that will have great impact on their lives: 1) the education and training you receive to prepare you for a job – hopefully one you like and 2) the person you select as your mate. Either decision can have a major impact on your life. I believe people get to the place where they can effectively consier the pros/cons of relationships and work when they have learned as a teen to solve problems. Help your teen think about traits he or she would want in a boyfriend or future spouse and then talk to the about how they evaluate this information and make decisions. Do the same exercise with work and career. You will be amazed at how much discussion can start form this.

Dr. Debra

CHEATING

Cheating comes in so many forms:  academic cheating, sports cheating, spouse cheating, financial cheating. Our teens usually encounter cheating at school.  Many schools have honor codes not so that if a student is aware of someone cheating, that student is supposed to alert a teacher. How do teens view the honor code?

Many teens make statements like "Everyone cheats - it is O.K."  I recently heard "The only way to get fair treatment on a test is to cheat - everyone cheats."  Cheating occurs not only in the academic world, but we are always hearing about some sports team which has cheated in some way.  The message our teens receive is that cheating is acceptable - after all, their sports hero has done it.

This makes cheating on a spouse or the family or in financial transactions O.K. as well to the teen.  After all, the most successful folks do it.  How many teens can tell you about their own family or a friend's family having one of the parents have an affair? 

The definition of cheating is "using an unfair advantage in transactions" or "to deceive or trick."  We need to start helping our teens understand that when they cheat they are also cheating themselves.  By cheating - you never are fully prepared for the next level - and the cycle of cheating continues.

Setting a positive example for your teen in how you live your life is the best way to teach them that cheating is not an appropriate way to do business in work or your relationships.  Talk to your teen about cheating and better ways to deal with stressful academic or work situations.

Dr. Debra

Back to School: Blues or Beginnings?

The end of summertime is nearing.  Many teens have started back to school this week or will start back next week.  Vacations are ending.  Sleeping late in the mornings will soon be a thing of the past.  Your teen may be feeling blue about the "end of freedom" and the tasks involved in restarting school.

But could your teen see this school year as a new beginning?  A time to think about priorities and set goals? 

How can we as parents help our teen be positive about the school year?  I would like you to think about a back-to-school tradition to establish with your teen.  One idea is to talk with your teen over the dinner table a week before school starts and ask him what things he would like to see be different this year and what things he sees from last year that he would like to continue.  Ask your teen how you can help him be successful in what he wants this school year.  Writing down his thoughts - goals, changes he wants to make, things to remain the same, can be extremely helpful.  Reviewing this with him a few weeks into school to see how he thinks he is doing and what he needs help with can help him also.

You have ideas of what would work best with your teen and your family.  I hope that your back to school tradition is something that you can use each year.

Dr. Debra

Super Bowl Sunday

So much excitement has occurred this week about the Super Bowl.  As I write this, Green Bay is leading Pittsburgh by a few points in the last quarter of the game.  Teenagers are congregating at friend's homes to watch the superbowl game and have fun in each other's company.  Your home may be one of the gathering spots for teens.

The Super Bowl represents for sports fans the two best football teams in the country fighting it out to be number 1; to "be the best."  What does the Super Bowl represent for our teens?  Friends, fun, and food is the immediate focus for most teenagers on Super Bowl Sunday.  But what is the other message that our teens are receiving?  The focus on the importance of being number 1; "to be the best."

Visit with your teen about the concept of being "the best."  Explore how your teen views this concept.  Make sure he does not see himself as someone who can never measure up to being the best.  Instead, help him define what that term would mean for him personally.  And help him understand the concept of "doing one's best" and "being the best person you can be" which is a very different concept from being number 1.  The best idea to give your teen is that many people can be the best, but usually at different things.  The person who is the best football player is not the person who may be the best vocalist, for example. 

Identifying what your personal best is and developing ways to improve your strengths is a great thing for your teen to learn now.

Dr. Debra

Making Summer Time Count

Time spent with your teen over the summer can be time well spent.  Fun should be a focus for time spent together.  Your teen and you can bond by engaging in fun activities.  And fun can be a great tool for learning valuable lessons.

Look around your community - many agencies sponsor recreational and educational activities all summer.  Our local community in Fort Worth has a wealth of activities such as summer plays, concerts in the garden, and museum displays.  All of these activities are enjoyable and educational as well. 

Your teen can learn how to have fun at home and learn how to manage the financial aspects of fun as well.  Many activities are free - summer plays provided by schools being one example - or are low cost.  Develop a budget with your teen and let him or her find activities to enjoy with you.  Your teen can begin to learn how to stretch his money in a productive way and still have a good time.

How else should summer count?  We have talked about fun and time spent together.  Service is another important way to make summer count.  Help your teen find a volunteer opportunity and help him develop a plan as to how he will help others through this activity.  Local hospitals, churches, and charity organizations are good places to start.

And one other thought...  Summer is a great time to help your teen learn practical life skills.  I am talking laundry, cooking, cleaning, and yard work.  Encourage them to learn how to manage these skills as preparation to be self-sufficient when they graduate from high school.  Believe it or not, I encounter college freshmen every year who don't know how to operate a washing machine. 

One of our jobs as a parent is to help our teen learn how to balance fun, learning, and self-sufficiency.  And summer is a great time for us to take on those tasks with our teens.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

School Transitions into Summer

School is about to be over for the summer.  Teens everywhere are already "checked out" from school.  How will their summer break go for them?

As parents of teens, having a checklist for those "checked out" teens can help the summer be a positive time for them and you.

1. Help your teen finish his school year on a positive note.  Encourage him to organize and study for finals and turn in remaining homework and projects.  One way to help is to plan something fun to do when school is finished for him to look forward to doing. 

2.  Think with your teen about what activities would help him most this summer in terms of his goals.  A job can be helpful not only to earn money, but to build a resume for further education or for more jobs.  A summer camp in an area of interest - such as the theatre, music, or science can be helpful in strengthening academics or areas of interest. 

3.  Physical activity is a must for summer!  Exercise is helpful not only for health, but also helpful for any sports your teen might engage in when school returns.

4.  And don't forget about FUN - plan fun activities that you can do as a family - and include your teen in the planning.  Picnics, visiting nearby parks, attending summer concerts or other events in your community can be fun for everyone.

Have a great summer!

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

  

Winning and Losing

Today is SuperBowl Sunday.  Many families will sit around the television cheering on the team they hope will win.  In this game, there will be a designated winner and a designated loser. 

How does winning and losing work in families?  Think about an argument a parent might have with a teenager.  Can an adult effectively argue with a teen?  Think about it - the teen has the idea that his parent could not possibly be right.  I mean, who can argue with that?  So what defines winning and losing in this situation?

Winning happens for all involved when a conflict is effectively mediated by a parent who gets the teen to think and reason through the problem.  Maybe the teen sees himself as "winning" if the parent concedes that a point the teen makes is accurate.  But it is the relationship between the parent and teen that has truly won in that instance. 

I am not suggesting that parents concede to teens in matters in which a firm stance is required - such as violating curfew, drinking alcohol, etc.  But what about an argument which is simply a difference in viewpoint about politics or what is the best type of chicken dish to eat?  I think agreeing to disagree in these situations can be very helpful for all involved.

So back to the notion of winning and losing - in a family system everybody wins when active discussion and conflict resolution can occur.

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.