Parenting with All the Pieces

A BULLYING SOCIETY

We live in a bullying society.  Not absolutely everyone or everything but we all experience this in our daily lives either directly or indirectly.  Do you ever watch David Letterman or his spin offs.  There is bullying.  Parents bully their children.  Principals bully their teachers.  Coaches, enough said.  Certainly politicians.  Talk show hosts. Bosses.   The list is long.  I am very concerned about the bullying of children but I have come to believe that until or unless we address how we, as a society, treat our fellow humans we cannot stop school children from their bullying.

 Look around on a daily basis.  Where do you see or experience bullying?  We normalize this lost of the time because it is so common place.  I would appreciate hearing from you.  Where are you seeing examples of bullying? 

SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO BE OUT FOR SUMMER

We have talked about this before - but school is about to be out once again for summertime!  Are you ready?  Are your teens ready?

How do you get prepared for the end of school?  Help your teen organize himself for final exams and the completion of final projects.  As we know, mentally checking out of school before school is actually over can have painful consequences academically.

Another important project at this time is to review any plans you have made about summer schedules, work, camp, and other expectations such as community service for summer.

Be certain to celebrate with your teen the end of school by spending some time talking about the end of the year - what was good about the year and what he feels he accomplished this year.

And have some fun this summer!

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

What do I mean?  Respect for others means listening politely when they express ideas with which you do not agree.  Respect describes a code of conduct where you value other people's right to think differently, to worship differently, and to live differently from the way in which you conduct yourself.  And respect is a reciprocal interaction, not a one-way street.   In our society today, which is so polarized, we hear that not following the party line means that we don't matter.  So how in the world do we teach our teens respect?

We teach our teens respect by pointing out to them that the adult members of our population, as exhibited frequently in our media, are woefully lacking in this virtue.  We teach them that even though our elected officials behave in a disrespectful manner to many members of our society, that this does not make their behavior the right behavior.  We model respect for them by the way in which we talk about others  - even those with whom we disagree.  We show respect in the highest form by listening, but not compromising our core values of integrity, respect, family values, and work.

By behaving in this manner and having open discussions with our teens, we will possibly earn their respect as well.

Dr. Debra

ANOTHER SHOOTING? HOW DO WE TALK TO OUR TEENS?

All of us have been deeply horrified and saddened by the shooting in Connecticut.  Some information about the shooter has been published by the media and he is portrayed as a teen who was isolated and different from his peers.  The information about the victims is staggering - beautiful kindergarten children and the brave teachers, principal, psychologist who died trying to protect them.  Every murder is horrific and brings sadness to us all.  But how do we deal with a young teen who kills - and who by reports appeared to have problems of his own - and his victims deaths?

As parents we cannot help but relate to the parents who have lost their children.  I have been thinking about life as the mother of a kindergarten child, and I remember how my own emotions were daily stirred by her.  Losing a child at this age to a senseless murder would be a pain I cannot even imagine.  And many teens have expressed sadness as they relate the deaths of these children as to how they might feel if they lost their younger siblings. 

One other theme I am hearing from teens is "how do I know that somebody I go to school with won't be like the guy who killed these kids?"  This is a good question to be raised, and one that adults and school authorities should be thinking about more these days.  Going back, we can see signs that the killer had some difficulties as a teen.  Could an intervention have occurred with him that could have changed the outcome of December 14 in Connecticut? 

So how do you talk to your teens about this tragedy? 

1.)  Encourage them to talk and use the following questions to encourage conversation.

2.)  How did you hear about this?

3.)  What was your reaction?

4.)  Did hearing about this make you feel worried or afraid?

5.)  Talk with your teen about he might react if he is in a situation where gunfire begins.  The people who survive are those who run and hide.  Many times people freeze in this situation - discussing with your teen in advance will probably help him not be one of those people who freeze.

6.)  Reassure your teen but also let him know you are always there to talk about any issues that may occur.

I am so deeply saddened by the loss of these children and their teachers.  And I am so deeply saddened that we live in a world where we have to educate our children about what to do in the event of a crisis such as this one.  But I know that we have to do our best as parents to mentally prepare our teens to be alert and aware and ready to take action in a crisis.

Dr. Debra

ELECTION DAY AND YOUR TEEN

November 6 is less than an hour away - and election day will be here!  This campaign has been intense and polls indicate that the election will be close.  Many people have strong feelings about this election.

Your teen no doubt has heard you and others discuss thoughts about the election.  Some teens will automatically take their parents' position while others will take the opposite position as a way to differentiate themselves from their parents.  Whichever position your teen takes, this election provides an important opportunity for you to dialogue with your teen.

Talk with your teen about why we have elections and what this process means historically in our country.  And talk to your teen about how even though we Americans have our differences, we unite as Americans when necessary.  Let your teen know that having differing opinions is what makes our country different from many other societies, and that our diversity has made us great.

Enjoy your conversation with your teen - and listen to what he has to say.  You might be surprised to hear that he has been more thoughtful about this process than you could have imagined.

Dr. Debra

LIVING THROUGH CRISIS

We are faced with a number of crises in recent times.  Just a few days ago. we listened to the news reporters telling us about the crises of Hurricane Sandy crashing into the east coastline.  In following these reports, we have learned that a number of people have been killed and many properties destroyed.  Rebuilding will happen - but the pace will depend on resources and ongoing weather concerns.

How do we help our teens understand crises?  Not an easy task - many teens struggle with anxieties about these concerns.  Our first task is to reassure our teen and help him/her realize that problem-solving is critical in times of crisis.  One way to start this process is to problem-solve with him about what the family will do in the event of crisis.  In other words, develop a plan of action for how your family responds.  Once you have determined this plan, you wil be able to lower anxiety for any family members.

Help your teen understand that recovery is a process and does not happen at the pace of the destruction that determined the problem in the first place.  And sometimes helping your teen understand that crises are ongoing throughtout human history will put these events into perspective.

Dr. Debra

 

VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE NIGHT AND YOUR TEEN

Tonight the Vice President of the U.S., Joe Biden, will debate the Vice Presidential contender, Paul Ryan.  This debate has sparked a lot of discussion in light of the Presidential debate which occurred last week.  Since the Presidential debate has been discussed a great deal recently in the media, folks have also been wondering what the outcome of the debate tonight will be.  Obviously this is important - Vice President Biden has not campaigned this week so that he can prepare for the debate.

We live in very tense times politically.  Many of my patients have voiced fears to even talk about how they think politically because people are so polarized in their positions.  Many people have expressed to me that they are losing sleep because they are fearful of the outcome of this election - that this election will change the very nature of our country.  I suspect your teen has heard comments along these lines as well.  And your teen - who does not have the experience of seeing a lot of presidential election cycles - may be fearful also.

I encourage you to watch the debate tonight with your teen.  Pay attention to what you hear, but also pay attention to your teen's facial expressions and comments.  Spend some time getting your teen to tell you what he heard in the debate.  If you wish to discuss your political views with your teen, I encourage you to do it in such a way that he will not be frightened about possible outcomes.  By doing this with your teen, you will help him understand the political process in America.  And he might learn something about the issues our country faces.

Dr. Debra

 

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

FREE RANGE VS. ATTACHMENT PARENTING: Which is Best?

Sharon has written blogs comparing free range versus attachment parenting.  This information gives us a great deal to think about related to parenting styles, specifically which type of parenting fits best with our own approach.

Each style of parenting has positive points.  Free range parenting involves assessing your child/teen's ability to cope in situations in which parents may not be present.  The free range parent determines if his teen can go unsupervised to engage with the neighborhood, etc.  Giving your teen some freedom to explore and learn hou to handle situations does have some merit.  Your teen can develop more problem-solving skills.  The only concern is that the teen may find himself in a situation in which he does need adult help but is unable to assess a parent or other adult to help him.

Attachment parenting talks about making your child/teen  a highest priority in your life and working with him in such a way that he feels secure.  The parent makes a lot of efforts to aid attachment and structure their life in such a way to do so.  A positive benefit to this type of parenting is that your child/teen will feel secure and bonded to parents.  The concern with this type of parenting is that your teen may not be able to make decisions independently of parents and he may struggle with functioning on his own.

Think about your own style of parenting.  Which parenting style fits you best?

Dr. Debra

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

Violence Against Americans in Libya and Egypt: Impact on Your Teen

Today we heard the frightening and sad news that the American ambassador in Libya was murdered with other Americans. The American Embassy was breached in Cairo, Egypt and the American flag torn down and burned.  And as I write this, rioting is occurring in Cairo against Americans.  These tragedies began on the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.  A great deal of speculation is being stated in the media as to the significance of these events happening on the 9/11 anniversary.  And people have been talking about this today with a mixture of disbelief and fear.

No doubt your teenager is hearing about this.  As I think about the blog Sharon wrote yesterday, I agree with her that we can not shelter our teens from the frightening information and risks that are present in the world both outside our door and overseas.  But we do want our teens to understand what is happening and to have some ideas as to how to cope in a crisis.

Help your teen understand the political and religious forces happening in the region where these tragedies occurred.  I have found that many American teens do not have much of an understanding of the volatility in that region of the world.  Reviewing the history of the area and the current issues there may help lower your teen's anxiety just because he will at least understand that these types of behaviors do not usually happen in a vacuum.  But no matter how well your teen may understand this, he also needs to understand that THERE IS NO EXCUSE for the behavior that is occurring there.  Talk with your teen about how he feels about these events and also help him voice how he would react if a violent event occurred in the area where he lives.

I hope that our teens never have to encounter this level of violence in their lives.  But as parents, let us help them think through how to react.

And let us have a moment to think about the families of those who died yesterday.

Dr. Debra

 

STAND AGAINST BULLYING

In Dallas CBS news aired a week long program "Take a Stand against Bullying". If you missed this you can go on line to see aspects of this programing. I'm pleased they did this and they did a good job. There has been an effort to teach kids how to respond in a manner to reduce the prospect of bullying. There is now a law to address the issues of bullying. I felt there is still a void in addressing the bullies and their parents directly. In the cases I am aware of when the bully's parents were contacted the bullying ended. Certainly there are situations where this will not be the result but a void in all of this is that most of the attention is on the child who is bullied. Don't misunderstand me they need a great deal of assistance. But doing therapy with many of these children I find it difficult to tell them how to get past this especially when there are few efforts to stop the bullying. We need to be addressing the bully and their families. Even if your child is not a target of a bully or you have no kids in schools the community should pull together to get this issue addressed and that means taking action about the children who bully. There are school shootings and suicides that can be traced back to bullying. In a society where we think we cherish children we need to not sit by and hope someone else will take action. Thank you for listening and please take action. Sherri

How Will I Ever Make it to College?

Teens are starting back to school this week or next.  Many teens express a lot of worries about starting back to school and the worries they have about how they will do in school academically.  I am seeing more and more teens who express worries about whether they can make good enough grades and test scores to go to college. 

What can you tell your teen who is starting back to high school and who also worries about how he will make it to college?  The first thing I would say for any high school student who is not starting his senior year is to focus on his day to day activities at school in order to do his best academically. 

For the students entering 9th through 11th grade.  I would work with my teen to set reasonable reachable goals for him academically.  I would also suggest evaluating his needs in regard to standardized testing - does he need to take a SAT prep course?  Does his school offer SAT preparation?  And look at his extracurricular activities with him.  Help him decide what he is interested in and help him find a way to volunteer in that area.  You might consider volunteering with him!

For the students entering 12th grade, much work has already occurred and college applications are now needing to be completed.  Help your teen organize the deadlines he has for his applications and assist him with this process.  And remind him that there are a number of colleges where he could learn and be  happy.  Make the process as interesting as you can as a way to aid in removing your teen's anxiety.

Dr. Debra

BACK TO SCHOOL TIME

Your teen is about to start back to school soon.  He is either trying to avoid the thought of returning to school or he is starting to make preparations to return to school.  Many teens try to not think about school starting - if your teen is one of these, how do you help him?  Ask your teen to make a list of all the things that need to happen so that he is ready on the first day of school.  Common list items might be "buy school supplies."  So ask him to check to see what his school supply list is or develop one.  Another item might be something along the lines of "get school uniforms out" or "get my clothes that meet dress code ready."  So ask him to do those things.  And if your teen had any summer reading or projects to do - check with him to see what his progress is.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in getting him ready to return to school is give him deadlines for tasks - and help him understand how to break those tasks down so that they are not overwhelming.  If your teen is about to start junior or senior year, hopefully he has mastered the return to school tasks and simply needs for you to check in with him to see that they are completed.

Good luck!

Dr Debra

 

Time for Americans to Unite

The Olympics ended today.  America led the world in number of medals won: last count that I viewed, America had won 104 medals.  As a country we are proud of our athletes and their efforts.  Take a moment and appreciate feeling proud of American efforts.

When we listen to the headlines today, we hear so much about what is wrong with America.  And indeed America has her share of problems.  But America has a rich history of amazing accomplishments by individuals and groups.  And our history can continue in a positive manner - but this depends on US and our attitudes.  We need to teach our teens what it means to be American.  What differentiates our country from others?  What sacrifices have been made to establish America? 

Talk to your teen about America and pride in our country.  And talk about each of our responsibilities as an American to lift our country up in a positive way and do our part to move us forward.

Dr. Debra

 

RUN, HIDE, AND FIGHT: A LESSON FROM A HOUSTON VIDEO

I saw a video that the city of Houston, Texas had recently completed about how to respond in an emergency situation with a gunman.  The video shows a group of people who appear to be office workers talking together and organizing to assault a gunman when he comes through their door.  The information from the video is that it is better to organize and fight the gunman to try to survive.  Like "stop, drop, and roll", the phrase to remember if on fire, this catch phrase in a shooting emergency is "run, hide, and fight."  The thinking is that anyone who is shooting up the place with a gun needs to be avoided and then stopped.

Do you almost want to say "What is our world coming to these days?"  We should remember that this is a frightening topic, but thinking in advance about what to do in a crisis is always helpful for folks when they find themselves in that crisis.  The phrase "run, hide, and fight" might indeed help someone in a difficult situation in the future.

I am hoping that your teen never has to put this slogan into effect.

Dr. Debra 

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

PARENTS AS MURDERERS?!

A very chilling story was released today about a 10 year old boy who had been starved to death by his father and stepmother. The father had been punishing the boy and had placed him on rations of water, bread, and milk. The boy's remains were found in a creek and identified. How might your teen react to reading or seeing a story about parents being the murderers of their child? Your teen will likely see this on the news. Asking him about his response could be very helpful. Take this opportunity to point out that these parents were obviously troubled and that evil can exist in different forms. I think that talking about this can reduce your teen's fears. Dr. Debra

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

3.)

POLITICS AND YOUR TEEN

Lots of attention is being given in the media to the upcoming presidential election this fall.  Unless your teen has been living under a rock lately, he has to have heard something about the upcoming election.  A teen's reaction to politics usually falls into one of three categories:  indifference, the same position of their parents, or the opposite position of their parents.  How your teen expresses his political ideology can tell you how he sees the world and how he is developing.  Sometimes teens want to please their parents so they adopt the parents' political ideas as their own.  Other teens may want to differentiate themselves from their parents so they will adopt the opposite viewpoint.  And some teens just view political issues as something "boring that older people are interested in."  Talking about politics to your teen and getting him to express his viewpoint can be helpful for you in understanding your teen.  You need to make him feel accepted by you regardless of whether you agree with his thoughts or not.  This can open a door to get him to listen to your viewpoints also and start a real dialogue with him.  Dr. Debra

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

The Trayvon Martin Tragedy and Your Teen

Most of us have heard of the tragic shooting of Trayvon Martin, a 17 year old teen, in Florida by a neighborhood watchman. The information about the shooting is unclear at this time. The shooter had seen suspicious men in his neighborhood, which had recently had some robberies, and had called the police. The watchman had left his vehicle and reports that he was assaulted by Trayvon Martin which led to him shooting and killing the boy. The death of a teenager is a loss for all of us. I cannot help but imagine that the shooter must feel pain about this situation as well. With all of this information being in the media your teen may have heard about this. I have heard two teens this week express fear about being shot by someone. So how do we address this with our teens? We first need to get them to talk about how they feel and what they think about this tragedy. Getting your teen to talk freely about his thoughts and feelings will help you realize what you need to help him think through about this. Anytime there is a tragedy we must try to learn from the event. In this tragedy, you should discuss with your teen the risks he puts himself in when he is in strange territory, and how people might misinterpret his actions. Evaluating risk factors is essential for your teen to learn. I think you might want to help your teen try to think what about what the shooter was thinking about in the time leading up to the shooting and ways your teen could get himself out of a situation like this. However, whatever your teen learns about this, you should help him talk about his own reactions of fear and sadness about this event. Dr Debra

Spring Break

This week or next week your teen will have the pleasure of having a week off from school – spring break. Teens, teachers, and parents often need a break around this time. So what do you do at spring break? Many parents work, although some families take time off during this week. How do you manage this week as a family? For those parents who work during spring break week, take some time to help your teen develop ideas of fun things to do during the day with friends or at home. Be sure to plan something for the family to do for fun sometime during the week. For families who are taking time off during this week, be sure to plan some time together. It is surprising how many people take time off but wind up not spending time together. But whatever you do, be sure to have fun. Because spring break happens all too fast and your teen will be in a whirlwind to complete the school semester once school resumes. Dr Debra

SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR TEEN: PREVENTING ISOLATION

Sherri's blog about parents being physically present but emotionally absent made me start thinking about how we use time with our teens. We get so busy with our own world of work and responsibilities that it is easy to not really think about how we could be most effective for our teens. I know I am guilty of multi-tasking when I am sitting with my teen - before I know it, I am checking email, looking at the weather report on my phone, thinking about what I have to do at work the next day. Doing these behaviors unfortunately sends a message to my teen that I am not putting time with her at the top of my list, and can lead to her pulling back from me and not telling me what is going on in her world. Teens who tend to isolate would be at even greater risk if they feel their parent is not present for them but is involved in things that they see as more important. And as we parents know, it is not that we think things are more important, but we feel pressured by our responsibilities. So how do we effectively spend time with our teen? BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. How do we do this? Put the cell phone on vibrate, turn off the laptop, and focus on talking to your teen. You might decide to do this through taking a walk, cooking a meal together, running an errand. Even though you might be engaged in an activity, it needs to be an activity that you are both workig at together. This provides a way to interact and you will find your teen opening up and telling you about his day or about something he is trying to think through - who knows, he might even ask your opinion. The most important thing about being present is that it is something you do INTENTIONALLY. So think about those times you have with your teen. How can you intentionally be present in the moment with him? Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

You would be surprised how introducing a topic with your teen can open the door to an interesting discussion - often about a topic you might not even be thinking about yourself! This weekend try to find an opportunity to discuss how everyone gets angry. Talk to your teen about healthy ways to manage anger. Be ready to talk to your teen about ways you have handled anger that have been helpful. Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge

This week Sherri has blogged about the teenage brain. She has emphasized how teenagers seek out the thrill that occurs with high-risk behaviors. Many of their behaviors have to do with seeking out this thrill, or reward - and brain chemistry is an important factor. Take a moment this weekend to talk about why your teen seeks out thrills with him. Help him think through the consequences of high-risk behaviors. Dr Debra

HELPING YOUR TEEN FIND HIS PASSION

Sherri's blog about teens and their interests helped me think about how we can help our teens develop interests and find their "passion." Parents spend a great deal of our day working to provide security and guidance for our families. Sometimes we forget the things we feel passion for, whether it is our work or our faith or an activity that brings us joy. A friend of mine started cooking when she was in graduate school as a way to relieve stress and feel she was creating something. Today her children view her as a mother, teacher, and a great cook. She continues to feel passion for her gourmet cooking. So how do we help our teens in this process? We model our passions for them. We also help them think about what they are interested in and we help them think of ways to explore this. One lesson teens must learn is that they won't necessarily enjoy everything that sounds interesting to them. But they won't learn what does interest them without some exploration. Another important lesson is that we can use our passions and talents to help others. I know an attorney who also has a passion for helping foster children find homes. He donates his time and expertise every year to performing legal services to finalize adoptions of foster children. I know his daughter is watching him use his talents and passion in a way to benefit others. He is modelling for his daughter the best way to use both his work and passion in a positive way. So talk to your teen about what he feels joy or excitement about and whether this is something in which he engages. Dr. Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

Report Cards: What do they tell us?

Report cards will probably coming out soon for most students.  The first report card of the new school year is usually awaited with some anxiety from both teens and their parents.  All of us know that academic performance - grades - are important in determining college acceptance.  But grades seem to take on an even greater importance for some teens and parents.

Parents often look at grades as a measure of whether they are parenting successfully or not.  Marginal or failing grades can cause a reaction in the parent that he or she has somehow failed as well.  Students look at their grades as a measure of their self-worth; some students feel that their grade defines who they are.  Students and parents who think about grades in this way are missing what grades really tell us.

Grade reporting reflects how well a student is grasping information, budgeting their time, being organized, and prioritizing.  A low grade may not necessarily mean the student is not understanding the material.  It may mean that he is not completing his assignments because he is preoccupied with something else or he is involved in too many extracurricular activities.  A low grade could reflect that the student is not mastering key concepts in the subject and may need extra help academically.  And a low grade may reflect that the student is struggling with other issues which may be impacting his attention and focus.  But a grade is not a reflection of that student's worth.

Parents who become alarmed due to low grades need to evaluate what is going on with their teen and try to help him correct what the problem is - whether is is mastery of academic concepts, difficulty with time management, or other circumstances which are interfering in his academic pursuits.  Parents should definitely NOT see a low grade as being indicative that they are not being good parents.

And for those students who bring home good grades, parents need to remember that those grades are their teen's grades, not theirs.  Congratulate your teen for good grades and have him tell you what he is doing to be successful.

Report cards are all about helping our teen know where he is at and what he needs to continue doing or what he needs to change.  Parenting is all about helping our teen evaluate information and learn to make good choices.

Dr Debra

CHEATING

Cheating comes in so many forms:  academic cheating, sports cheating, spouse cheating, financial cheating. Our teens usually encounter cheating at school.  Many schools have honor codes not so that if a student is aware of someone cheating, that student is supposed to alert a teacher. How do teens view the honor code?

Many teens make statements like "Everyone cheats - it is O.K."  I recently heard "The only way to get fair treatment on a test is to cheat - everyone cheats."  Cheating occurs not only in the academic world, but we are always hearing about some sports team which has cheated in some way.  The message our teens receive is that cheating is acceptable - after all, their sports hero has done it.

This makes cheating on a spouse or the family or in financial transactions O.K. as well to the teen.  After all, the most successful folks do it.  How many teens can tell you about their own family or a friend's family having one of the parents have an affair? 

The definition of cheating is "using an unfair advantage in transactions" or "to deceive or trick."  We need to start helping our teens understand that when they cheat they are also cheating themselves.  By cheating - you never are fully prepared for the next level - and the cycle of cheating continues.

Setting a positive example for your teen in how you live your life is the best way to teach them that cheating is not an appropriate way to do business in work or your relationships.  Talk to your teen about cheating and better ways to deal with stressful academic or work situations.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SCHOOL SHOOTINGS

I know this is a frightening and depressing topic.  School has started back.  Many teens are feeling a lot of stress with the challenges of a new school year.

Although this is a topic most of us would prefer to not even think about, I encourage you this weekend to bring the topic up and ask your teen how he would react.  Reassure your teen that it is very unlikely he would ever have to face this, but thinking about it in advance as to how he would respond could help him in the future in some other situation.  Get his opinion as to why people engage in school shootings. 

Dr Debra

9/11 : A day to remember

Sherri's comments n 9/11 are so important for us to be thinking about as we talk with your teens.  Many of our teens have no clear memory of their day on 9/11.  Help your teen by talking about your teen's schedule on that day.  Talk to your teen about your response on 9/11 to the terrible tragedy that struck our nation.

On the front of a magazine this week, I saw an article about the children of 9/11.  The article chronicled a number of children who were babies or not yet born on that fateful day.  The current thoughts of those preteens are interesting.  The sense of someone missing from their family is present in the article. 

Discuss the impact on the families who lost a member that day.  Take time to have your teen tell you how he thinks those families have functioned since that day.  Ask your teen to describe the significance of that day in his life and what lessons he may have learned from this event.

Remember that day - and honor the memories of those who died.

Dr Debra

 

Politics and Your Teen

Our media is constantly bombarding us with political news.  Do you ever wonder how your teen thinks about politics?  You might be very surprised about his ideas.

Many teens will choose to listen to political views that are different from those heard in their household.  And many teens will announce that they believe this different political viewpoint is correct.  Why?  Adolescence is a time for teens to question their parents and themselves.  The task for the teenager is to develop an identity.  Some teens feel very comfortable assuming an identity congruent with their family's belief system.  But many teens, in order to develop their own identity, feel the need to question the family belief system.

Parents often become upset and angry when their teen discusses different political views.  Remember that their teen is trying to become his own person.  And after exploring the other side of an issue, that teen may decide that the family belief system fits him also.  Parents reacting in a very negative way will often cause the teen to shut down and not discuss issues with the parents.

Encourage your teen to talk with you about he believes.  And don't get angry (even though it may be difficult)!  If your teen can discuss ideas openly with you, you are helping him in his journey.

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day this weekend.  This holiday was originally established due to labor unions establishing better working conditions.  We typically view this holiday as the last weekend of summer. 

Spend this weekend talking with your teen about work, and the importance of having time for rest, family, and fun. 

And have an enjoyable weekend too!

Dr Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Yesterday I wrote about how our teens use social media such as Facebook to talk about returning to school.  I commented about how our teens should be mindful that universities look at applicant's facebook sites.  Sometime this weekend, talk with your teen about social media and how important it is that they think carefully about whatever they place in writing.

Have a great near the end of summer weekend.

Dr. Debra

 

Back to School: Blues or Beginnings?

The end of summertime is nearing.  Many teens have started back to school this week or will start back next week.  Vacations are ending.  Sleeping late in the mornings will soon be a thing of the past.  Your teen may be feeling blue about the "end of freedom" and the tasks involved in restarting school.

But could your teen see this school year as a new beginning?  A time to think about priorities and set goals? 

How can we as parents help our teen be positive about the school year?  I would like you to think about a back-to-school tradition to establish with your teen.  One idea is to talk with your teen over the dinner table a week before school starts and ask him what things he would like to see be different this year and what things he sees from last year that he would like to continue.  Ask your teen how you can help him be successful in what he wants this school year.  Writing down his thoughts - goals, changes he wants to make, things to remain the same, can be extremely helpful.  Reviewing this with him a few weeks into school to see how he thinks he is doing and what he needs help with can help him also.

You have ideas of what would work best with your teen and your family.  I hope that your back to school tradition is something that you can use each year.

Dr. Debra

THE TRAGEDY IN NORWAY: THE IMPACT ON YOUR TEEN

We are all saddened and horrified by the tragic shooting in Norway in which more than 80 teens were killed following the bombing in Oslo.  The media has been updating us regularly with these events.  I just finished reading an accounting of a teen who survived this ordeal.  Reading her experience was very unsettling; the descriptions of how people tried to flee but were shot down conveyed terror.

Your teen will hear about this.  How does this impact your teen?  The idea of young teens away at summer camp being murdered is so senseless that your teen will have difficulty comprehending why this even happened.  And at this point, we don't know the gunman's motives.  What we can surmise is that he is disturbed at a severe level to commit these atrocities.  Unfortunately, our media has already tried to label this act as being a political act.  This act was one of evil intent by someone who is disturbed at a deep level, regardless of his political or religious leanings.  And helping your teen understand that disturbed people with evil intentions walk among us is a job that parents do not want to address.  None of us like talking about this.  We would all like to believe that these incidents are just rare incidents and that these things "happen somewhere else."   I am sure the people of Norway would have never expected something like this to happen in their country, where the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded.  The next time you begin to think in that manner, just recall 9/11 in New York City.  These events happen everywhere.

So in going back to talking about this with your teen, what is the best course of action?  Get your teen to talk about his thoughts about what happened, as well as his emotional reactions.  Be certain to listen for any fear your teen has.  Help him think through how he might have reacted.  And be realistic with your teen.  He has a greater chance of having to deal with an incident in his lifetime than the generation before him.  Thinking about these incidents and how you would cope in the moment can help your teen be prepared as much as anyone can be. 

I am not suggesting that we encourage fear in our teens.  I am suggesting that we do the best we can as parents to help them be prepared for whatever they may face.

My prayers continue for the families in Norway.

Dr Debra

 

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

HARRY POTTER AND YOUR TEEN

Tomorrow is the midnight premiere for the last Harry Potter movie.  Why would I write about that on a blog about parenting teens?  Because most teens in our country have read the Harry Potter series, have seen the previous movies, and are either planning to attend the midnight movie or a showing this weekend.

Why does Harry Potter resonate so much with teens?  The series is very well-written and entertaining; and the books also chronicle the challenging times of growing up and becoming a young adult.  Family and childhood challenges are displayed in the books.  Remember the Dursleys, Harry's aunt, uncle, and cousin?  They were the nemesis of a young teenager.  And the male/female issues in the classroom with Hermione and the other folks.  And we must of course remember the young loves from the book.  When you think about it, Harry Potter brings to light many of the common conflicts that young teens have.

Enjoy the show.

Dr Debra

PRESENT, PAST, AND FUTURE and YOUR TEEN

Sometimes I forget that teens don't have the frame of reference that we do.  A major advantage of being a parent is that we can remember the past and how past events and present events can affect the future.  Our teens have difficulties with seeing this because they don't always understand the connections of events.

So how do we help with that?  I think that recounting memories can be extremely helpful.  Helping your teen remember memories from childhood begins to build a bridge to present events.  Discussing present events and future consequences of those events is instrumental in giving your teen a frame of reference.  One way to do this is to take the discussion outside of your teen and family and discuss something from history.  This is less threatening to your teen and does not personalize the discussion so much. 

Remember that discussions you have with your teen are similar to putting money in the bank.  Everytime you have a discussion about one of these topics, you are "saving" information for your teen to think about at some point in the future.

Dr. Debra

July 4th: Freedom and Fun

Today is July 4th!  The day which celebrates our American independence.  Today is a day for remembering those who sacrificed that we may live free.  And today is also a day for our teens to understand that part of freedom is having fun as we celebrate.

Sherri has commented that we should celebrate more with our family.  Celebration and fun is so important.  Our teens will remember July 4th as a time in which family enjoyed each other, had good food, and hopefully talked about why July 4 is such an important day for us.  I find that many teens do not seem to know much about our history - this day offers an opportunity to talk about that a bit.

But whatever you do today, have safe fun.  Many areas have been under a burn ban and are not safe to light firecrackers today.  Please be mindful of the need to be safe today. 

Happy July 4th to you and your family.

Dr. Debra

 

Celebrate Independence: July 4th Holiday

Juy 4th is just around the corner.  This holiday holds such significance for us as it marks our country's independence.  I cannot help but think that we should be celebrating our country's independence and discussing the importance of American independence with our teens. 

My perspective on the value of our independence has been shaped by listening to the stories of my parents and grandparents as they discussed our heritage.  Members of my family have fought in wars for American freedom since the Revolutionary War.  Listening to the sacrifices made by my ancestors for our freedom - so that I could live free  - has made me realize my debt of gratitude to the people who have come before me.

Sharing this information with our teens is invaluable to help them realize the importance of maintaining our freedom and independence.  And this also provides an opportunity to talk about the responsibilities involved in being independent - both as a nation and as an individual. 

While thinking about the meaning of this holiday, also think about having fun.  After all, our ancestors would want us to celebrate.  They fought to give us that opportunity.

Dr Debra

LEAVING HOME

Your teen may be spending his last summer with the family before going off to college.  Today I saw a teen who graduated high school and his mother stated that the he will be travelling off to college in less than two months.  Two months....can pass fairly quickly.  Will you be ready to watch your teen leave home to go to college?

The summer before starting college can be such a valuable time for a teen and his family.  This is a time to emphasize that your teen is ready for this challenge, but that you are available as a resource to help him with this big change.

Discussing challenges he faced in high school and how he resolved them can be helpful in giving confidence.  And always helping your teen remember that he has a place with you when he needs to rest or retreat from the challenges of college can be especially helpful.

Make this summer a time that both you and your teen will remember.

Dr Debra