Parenting with All the Pieces

Prepare for Summer

School will be out soon.  How do we help our teens prepare for summer?  First  - help your teen "wrap up" the final details of school.  Final exams, projects, etc. should all be given full attention.  Next discuss with your teen if he has any goals for the summer - what he would like to be able to say he has done before going back to school. 

And help hi think of activities that would help him learn and would also benefit others.  Volunteering for agencies is an excellent way for teens to develop more skills while being worthwhile contributors to others.  And working at a job can be very helpful also. 

Factor in some fun too!  Summer should be a time for fun also.

Dr Debra

 

RESPECT

RESPECT is a concept which is so important to teach our teens, especially in a time and place where respect no longer seems very important.  An old-fashioned value which in our politically correct world takes a back-seat to spin factors, respect nevertheless is a value upon our country was built.

via parentingwithallthepieces.typepad.com

Holiday Time is Here!

In a few weeks your teens will be out of school and ready to celebrate the holidays.  The reality is that many of our teens are "checking out" now from school due to holiday excitement.  How do we help them stay focused and also enjoy this time of year?

Help your teens by talking to them about a schedule for the next few weeks while they finish school assignments and study for mid-term exams.  Make sure they have something fun to look forward to each week - which will help them do the school-related tasks they need to do.  One way to keep them on track is to spend a few minutes each evening talking about upcoming holiday plans and reminding your teen that he/she will have free time soon.

Be sure to plan at least one fun event for your teen - watching holidays movies with friends and eating popcorn counts as a very positive fun event.  Be creative - and ask your teen for ideas.

And enjoy the season!

Dr. Debra

 

 

SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO BE OUT FOR SUMMER

We have talked about this before - but school is about to be out once again for summertime!  Are you ready?  Are your teens ready?

How do you get prepared for the end of school?  Help your teen organize himself for final exams and the completion of final projects.  As we know, mentally checking out of school before school is actually over can have painful consequences academically.

Another important project at this time is to review any plans you have made about summer schedules, work, camp, and other expectations such as community service for summer.

Be certain to celebrate with your teen the end of school by spending some time talking about the end of the year - what was good about the year and what he feels he accomplished this year.

And have some fun this summer!

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

WHAT'S WRONG WITH OUR TEEN - OR IS IT US?

Sherri wrote a blog about what's wrong with our teen not long ago.  She wrote about the trauma that our teens have been exposed to in their lives:  9/11, economic stressors, no guarantee of a job even with higher education.  All of these extreme stressors have had an impact on our teens and young adults and how they view their future - and how they view the world now.  The world no longer seems like a safe and secure place and there are no guarantees of working hard will help shape your future.  Or is it?

As parents our primary job is to care for our children and prepare them to be able to care for themselves.  Do you feel frustrated that you cannot guarantee your teen a secure future?  I hear many parents state this every day.  So we are giving our teens a message that the future is so uncertain that work and education will not give them a guarantee of a stable life.  The reality is that those factors have never given anyone a guarantee of a stable life.

Our media has not helped this process by constantly bombarding our teens through television, music, movies about the difficulties of making it in the world.  The nightly news is enough to discourage most teens from even thinking of doing their homework - why bother in a world that appears to be falling apart.

So maybe the very thing that is wrong with our teens is that we have not taught them the realities of how to approach their lives.  We alternate between sheltering our teens from information and giving them other messages that they can't be successful - because of the times in which they live.

We need to rethink how we approach our teens.  While our teens are under our roof, we need to help them learn basic skills but also work with them about how they can position themselves with a skill or education that they enjoy and that is needed in our society.  Yes, there are no guarantees, but we can approach this process with a positive but realistic attitude with our teens. 

Dr. Debra

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

SPRING AND CHANGE IS COMING

We are ending the first weekend in March.  Even in areas of the country where the weather is cold, people have started thinking about spring.  Teens are especially excited because spring means that summer is just around the corner.

Spring signifies growth and change.  All of us are looking forward to warmer weather after winter.  Many of us welcome the change of spring.  Your teen has pressures at this time of year, however.

What are some of the challenges of spring for teens?  The last nine weeks of school are characterized by spring break, projects to complete, final exams.  For juniors, the SAT and ACT are usually taken during this time and for seniors, the decision about college must be made.

How can you be helpful to your teen?  Help him think about how to schedule himself so that he gets adequate sleep while he has so much going on at school.  Ask him to talk about his stressors.  And make sure that he gets some fun time during this three month marathon to the end of the school year.

Dr. Debra

Dads as Role Models for Teens

Like it or not, our teens are watching our behaviors.  Boys look to their fathers to teach them how to behave in many areas of their lives.  Girls look to their fathers to learn what are positive attributes in a man.  And both boys and girls look at their parent's interactions to learn about relationships.  So how do we become positive role models for our teens?  I say "Let them catch us being good."

We should think about our interactions and words being viewed, and we should behave in a way that we want our teens to behave.  We should interact in a respectful way with our family members, listen and think before responding, and model good health habits.  Our teens should see us exercising, eating in a healthy manner, balancing work with relaxation.  This is one of the most important things we can do - model good healthy behavior and interactions.

Dr. Debra

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

ANGER AND CRITICAL THINKING

Anger and critical thinking - how can those possibly coexist?  You cannot have good critical thinking and problem-solving skills when you are angry.  And this is the very reason you must work with your teen to help him or her with learning to manage his anger. 

Being emotionally overwhelmed whether one is anger or anxious stops the ability to think through a problem and find a solution.  So how do you help your teen with this?  The first thing to do is to model for your teen how you handle being angry.  If your teen sees you handle anger in a positive way, he will often model this behavior.  Unfortunately, he will model negative ways to handle anger if that is what you teach him by your behavior.

Discuss with your teen the concept of taking a "personal time out."  This means learning how to take ten minutes or longer if needed to separate oneself from the issue or person which is contributing to the feelings of anger.  Having a discussion about your teen going to a separate room for a personal time out can be very beneficial.  Then discuss with your teen how to think through the issues ONCE HE IS CALM.  Learning to not make decisions when angry is a big step in critical thinking.

So teaching your teen an immediate way to lower anger and then teaching him how to think through his problem and give this time before making a decision helps build his critical thinking skills.

Dr. Debra

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

ANOTHER SHOOTING? HOW DO WE TALK TO OUR TEENS?

All of us have been deeply horrified and saddened by the shooting in Connecticut.  Some information about the shooter has been published by the media and he is portrayed as a teen who was isolated and different from his peers.  The information about the victims is staggering - beautiful kindergarten children and the brave teachers, principal, psychologist who died trying to protect them.  Every murder is horrific and brings sadness to us all.  But how do we deal with a young teen who kills - and who by reports appeared to have problems of his own - and his victims deaths?

As parents we cannot help but relate to the parents who have lost their children.  I have been thinking about life as the mother of a kindergarten child, and I remember how my own emotions were daily stirred by her.  Losing a child at this age to a senseless murder would be a pain I cannot even imagine.  And many teens have expressed sadness as they relate the deaths of these children as to how they might feel if they lost their younger siblings. 

One other theme I am hearing from teens is "how do I know that somebody I go to school with won't be like the guy who killed these kids?"  This is a good question to be raised, and one that adults and school authorities should be thinking about more these days.  Going back, we can see signs that the killer had some difficulties as a teen.  Could an intervention have occurred with him that could have changed the outcome of December 14 in Connecticut? 

So how do you talk to your teens about this tragedy? 

1.)  Encourage them to talk and use the following questions to encourage conversation.

2.)  How did you hear about this?

3.)  What was your reaction?

4.)  Did hearing about this make you feel worried or afraid?

5.)  Talk with your teen about he might react if he is in a situation where gunfire begins.  The people who survive are those who run and hide.  Many times people freeze in this situation - discussing with your teen in advance will probably help him not be one of those people who freeze.

6.)  Reassure your teen but also let him know you are always there to talk about any issues that may occur.

I am so deeply saddened by the loss of these children and their teachers.  And I am so deeply saddened that we live in a world where we have to educate our children about what to do in the event of a crisis such as this one.  But I know that we have to do our best as parents to mentally prepare our teens to be alert and aware and ready to take action in a crisis.

Dr. Debra

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Christmas is two weeks from today.  Your teen is wrapping up final exams and projects and looking forward to probably having time with his friends.  You probably have heard him talk about the fun things he is looking forward to doing when he is out on break.

Do you have any family traditions you usually do at Christmas?  Many families have activities they do each year like decorating the tree, viewing favorite movies, attending special church services.  Sometimes families just take these traditions for granted and do not realize that individual family members might find these important. 

Ask your teen what things the families does at Christmas time that he looks forward to doing.  Ask him what he would like to do as a family.  If you feel you do not have a Christmas tradition, the time is now to develop one!

Dr. Debra

 

FAILURE AND YOUR TEEN

Failure is one of a teen's greatest fears.  Teens think about failing at school, failing in relationships, failing in sports and extracurricular activities, and failing at life.  For a teen, not being successful at school and with friends means that he is a loser.  And this is his worst nightmare.

Who among us has not experienced failure?  I don't know one person who has managed to succeed at everything he has undertaken.  Not succeeding at a task can actually be a positive growth experience, although all of us hate to hear that phrase at the time.  Think about some event in your own life that did not work in the way you had wished.  Then think about what you learned from that experience.  As a parent, helping your teen learn that experiences that do not go the way you want can still be experiences that have value. 

Discuss your own experiences with your teen.  He may be more open to talking about his fear of failure once he realizes that everyone struggles with this at some point or the other.  But also remember that many times your teen just needs you to listen and reassure him.

Dr. Debra

HOLIDAY SEASON IS HERE!

We just finished celebrating Thanksgiving.  Teens are back to school and parents are back to work this week.  Most teens will be in school for four more weeks, then will be out of school for the Christmas break.  During this time, teens and families have some difficulty staying focused on "business as usual" which means schoolwork/homework/exams for your teen and work for we parents.

How do you balance the holiday season celebrations and responsibilities?  Not only do we as parents need to do this, we need to teach our teens how to balance these areas in our lives.  Some practical suggestions for teens:  map out what school assignments and exams are due before the end of the year and develop a timeline for how much work you will do on each one daily.  And then write out the holiday events you would most like to enjoy by Christmas.  This may include some holiday shopping, going to a museum, or seeing light exhibits.

Talk to your teen about rewarding himself each week for meeting deadlines.  Have him allow himself to do something he wishes to do each weekend if he has been successful in keeping his deadlines.  This is a good way to teach him to balance his time between work and pleasure.

And be sure to enjoy the holiday season!

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This is Thanksgiving weekend - a time for family, relaxation, fun, shopping,.... and giving thanks.  Sometime this weekend spend a minute thinking about the traits your teen has that you are glad he possesses.  Find the right time to let him know that you have noticed these traits and are thankful for him. 

Dr. Debra

 

After Thanksgiving: Black Friday

Today is Thanksgiving.  I hope that all of you had a pleasant day with your family and enjoyed relaxation, fellowship, and good food. Our American holiday of giving thanks is an important tradition. 

Tomorrow is Black Friday - a more modern American tradition.  This day marks the beginning of the holiday shopping season.  I often find irony in the fact that we spend one day giving thanks and interacting peacefully to then shift into a mad race to find the best merchandise in holiday sales!  Nevertheless, our retailers find this day important for their businesses and many folks are able to find gifts and items at better prices than they can at other times of the year.

So what does this mean for your teen?  Black Friday could be a time to help your teen learn to shop effectively and get the biggest bang for his buck.  And while you are doing that, be sure to help him s treat people in a positive manner such as being courteous in long lines! 

Dr. Debra

FACE TIME WITH YOUR TEENS

I was talking to a mother today and thought about today's teenagers; a common diversion for me these days. I worry that our teens are not developing self-reliance and a sense of direction about the outward world. I began to realize that we are actually spending more time with our children but it really amounts to less time. We take them to all their activities which is important for them to have the "right" data on their college applications. More and more meals are eaten in the car driving from one activity to another. We hover over them to make sure they are doing their homework whether they need us to do that or not.

The problem is that we are not necessarily having face time with our kids. Dr. Debra talks about a mother and daughter that were in her office seeing her and were texting each other during the entire appointment. Texting in not face time; even when you are sitting next to each other. Our children even teens need us to give of our time. We need to talk, play together and teach about life. Since we are seeing so many issues with teens in general today we need to spend this more focused time interacting with our kids.

The way I see this is that it is a win – win. Have a great Thanksgiving. Sherri

FINANCIAL CLIFF AND YOUR TEEN

Everyone is talking about the impending financial cliff which will occur in January if no compromise solution is reached between te House of Representatives and the President regarding budgetary issues.

Your teen no doubt has heard something about this.  But even more importantly, he may have noticed your anxiety about this.  How can you help him cope wih the impending problem?

First, take some seeing if he understads what the financial cliff is.  Then help him understand what is occurring if he is not aware of the situation.  Then take some time explaining to him about budgets annd financial management.  Do not appear anxious yourself - he will struggle with hearing you discuss the difficulties if he sees you as worried.

And finally take some time to discuss money managment with him.  Talk with him about how one does that and if he can see himself managing money better.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

ELECTION DAY AND YOUR TEEN

November 6 is less than an hour away - and election day will be here!  This campaign has been intense and polls indicate that the election will be close.  Many people have strong feelings about this election.

Your teen no doubt has heard you and others discuss thoughts about the election.  Some teens will automatically take their parents' position while others will take the opposite position as a way to differentiate themselves from their parents.  Whichever position your teen takes, this election provides an important opportunity for you to dialogue with your teen.

Talk with your teen about why we have elections and what this process means historically in our country.  And talk to your teen about how even though we Americans have our differences, we unite as Americans when necessary.  Let your teen know that having differing opinions is what makes our country different from many other societies, and that our diversity has made us great.

Enjoy your conversation with your teen - and listen to what he has to say.  You might be surprised to hear that he has been more thoughtful about this process than you could have imagined.

Dr. Debra

LIVING THROUGH CRISIS

We are faced with a number of crises in recent times.  Just a few days ago. we listened to the news reporters telling us about the crises of Hurricane Sandy crashing into the east coastline.  In following these reports, we have learned that a number of people have been killed and many properties destroyed.  Rebuilding will happen - but the pace will depend on resources and ongoing weather concerns.

How do we help our teens understand crises?  Not an easy task - many teens struggle with anxieties about these concerns.  Our first task is to reassure our teen and help him/her realize that problem-solving is critical in times of crisis.  One way to start this process is to problem-solve with him about what the family will do in the event of crisis.  In other words, develop a plan of action for how your family responds.  Once you have determined this plan, you wil be able to lower anxiety for any family members.

Help your teen understand that recovery is a process and does not happen at the pace of the destruction that determined the problem in the first place.  And sometimes helping your teen understand that crises are ongoing throughtout human history will put these events into perspective.

Dr. Debra

 

HALLOWEEN IS ONE WEEK AWAY

Halloween is a holiday that children and teens love.  Whether they get to dress up at school or dress up after school to go trick or treating the feeling of fall excitement is in the air.  Some parents do not want their family to participate in Halloween due to thoughts about negative religious implications - and every family has their own way of thinking about this holiday.

We know when Halloween arrives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are not far away.  So the Holiday Season has officially started.  Now is the time to start thinking about how your teen will be spending his time and to make plans for the season!

Dr. Debra

BEING FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR TEEN

Parents often feel frustrated with their teenagers.  Just listen to any parent talk - and often you will hear something stated like "it is so hard to be the parent of a teenager."  Teens are walking the fine line between childhood and adulthood.  And unfortunately, they often treat their adult parents as if the parent "doesn't know anything."

How do you handle being frustrated with your teen?  I have some suggestions for those moments when you are questioning why you ever had children in the first place.  The 5 R's of dealing with frustration have been very helpful to me over time.

1.)  REMIND yourself of what your teen is doing right.  For example, after reading Sherri's article, I was very grateful that my teen does not drink alcohol.  So if your teen is not drinking or using drugs, that is something he is doing that is "right" at this stage of his life. 

2.)  REALITY CHECK.  Are you expecting your teen to exhibit adult behavior?  The reality is that he is learning how to be an adult...which means that times he will not act like an adult.  So think about how he is not acting appropriately and try to put it in context - is he doing something dangerous?  Or is he just giving you heartburn with some of his political, etc., statements. 

3.)  REFOCUS your sight on what your goals as a parent are for your teen.  What are you hoping to teach him that you think you are not doing?  And develop a strategy for how you can effectively accomplish these tasks.

4.)  REMEMBER that you were once a teenager too, and that you probably did some things that were frustrating for your parents!

5.)  RELAX by finding something to do that will lower your frustrated feelings.  You must take care of yourself if you want to be an effective parent.

Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge: School Check-In

We have reached the middle of the semester.  School will intensify over the next two months.  Your teen will have schoolwork and holiday activities to contend with as the year ends.

Take a little time to check in with your teen as to how school is going.  Help him anticipate the deadlines he will have and help him with planning.  Marke sure he knows you are available as a consultant.

And when he gets overwhelmed, remind him he has holiday breaks coming up to anticipate!

Dr. Debra

VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE NIGHT AND YOUR TEEN

Tonight the Vice President of the U.S., Joe Biden, will debate the Vice Presidential contender, Paul Ryan.  This debate has sparked a lot of discussion in light of the Presidential debate which occurred last week.  Since the Presidential debate has been discussed a great deal recently in the media, folks have also been wondering what the outcome of the debate tonight will be.  Obviously this is important - Vice President Biden has not campaigned this week so that he can prepare for the debate.

We live in very tense times politically.  Many of my patients have voiced fears to even talk about how they think politically because people are so polarized in their positions.  Many people have expressed to me that they are losing sleep because they are fearful of the outcome of this election - that this election will change the very nature of our country.  I suspect your teen has heard comments along these lines as well.  And your teen - who does not have the experience of seeing a lot of presidential election cycles - may be fearful also.

I encourage you to watch the debate tonight with your teen.  Pay attention to what you hear, but also pay attention to your teen's facial expressions and comments.  Spend some time getting your teen to tell you what he heard in the debate.  If you wish to discuss your political views with your teen, I encourage you to do it in such a way that he will not be frightened about possible outcomes.  By doing this with your teen, you will help him understand the political process in America.  And he might learn something about the issues our country faces.

Dr. Debra

 

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: WHAT IS YOUR PARENTING STYLE?

I write this on Saturday night which leaves little time for a complete weekend, but I feel this is something to be thought about for more than a weekend.  Start thinking about the descriptions of attachment vs. free range range parenting.  And think about how you have parented your teen.  Did you lean more in one direction than the other?  Did you use a blend of the two types? 

Think about how your parenting style has worked well and also think about what you might want to adjust now that your child is a teen.

Dr. Debra

FREE RANGE VS. ATTACHMENT PARENTING: Which is Best?

Sharon has written blogs comparing free range versus attachment parenting.  This information gives us a great deal to think about related to parenting styles, specifically which type of parenting fits best with our own approach.

Each style of parenting has positive points.  Free range parenting involves assessing your child/teen's ability to cope in situations in which parents may not be present.  The free range parent determines if his teen can go unsupervised to engage with the neighborhood, etc.  Giving your teen some freedom to explore and learn hou to handle situations does have some merit.  Your teen can develop more problem-solving skills.  The only concern is that the teen may find himself in a situation in which he does need adult help but is unable to assess a parent or other adult to help him.

Attachment parenting talks about making your child/teen  a highest priority in your life and working with him in such a way that he feels secure.  The parent makes a lot of efforts to aid attachment and structure their life in such a way to do so.  A positive benefit to this type of parenting is that your child/teen will feel secure and bonded to parents.  The concern with this type of parenting is that your teen may not be able to make decisions independently of parents and he may struggle with functioning on his own.

Think about your own style of parenting.  Which parenting style fits you best?

Dr. Debra

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

Violence Against Americans in Libya and Egypt: Impact on Your Teen

Today we heard the frightening and sad news that the American ambassador in Libya was murdered with other Americans. The American Embassy was breached in Cairo, Egypt and the American flag torn down and burned.  And as I write this, rioting is occurring in Cairo against Americans.  These tragedies began on the eleventh anniversary of 9/11.  A great deal of speculation is being stated in the media as to the significance of these events happening on the 9/11 anniversary.  And people have been talking about this today with a mixture of disbelief and fear.

No doubt your teenager is hearing about this.  As I think about the blog Sharon wrote yesterday, I agree with her that we can not shelter our teens from the frightening information and risks that are present in the world both outside our door and overseas.  But we do want our teens to understand what is happening and to have some ideas as to how to cope in a crisis.

Help your teen understand the political and religious forces happening in the region where these tragedies occurred.  I have found that many American teens do not have much of an understanding of the volatility in that region of the world.  Reviewing the history of the area and the current issues there may help lower your teen's anxiety just because he will at least understand that these types of behaviors do not usually happen in a vacuum.  But no matter how well your teen may understand this, he also needs to understand that THERE IS NO EXCUSE for the behavior that is occurring there.  Talk with your teen about how he feels about these events and also help him voice how he would react if a violent event occurred in the area where he lives.

I hope that our teens never have to encounter this level of violence in their lives.  But as parents, let us help them think through how to react.

And let us have a moment to think about the families of those who died yesterday.

Dr. Debra

 

Teens, the Internet, and Porn

Today our teens are plugged into the internet in so many ways:  computers, smart phones, ipads, etc.  The internet is so easy to use and is so helpful in many ways.  Easy access to material helps all of us, and helps our teens with their academic work.

But is there any downside to fast easy access to material?  Pornography has become so easy for our teens to access, and this can lead to sexual preoccupations in our teen population.  Years ago, the access to  pornography usually came in the form of a magazine and those were not always easily accessible.  Today, your teen can enter so many websites and view pornography of all types.  

What are the implications of this?  Teens who are exposed early - prior to age 16 - are at high risk to engage in sexual behaviors.  And which teens are at highest risk?  Those with emotional issues such as depression, low self-esteem, addictive tendencies to name a few.  Teens who are socially isolated will also be at higher risk to enter the world of cybersex to feel more connected in some way.

Parents can help by checking their teen's computer history - and be prepared to talk with your teen if you find information tht indicates he or she has been on websites with sexual content. 

Dr. Debra

 

Weekend Family Challenge: How has school started?

Your teen has probably been back to school for about two to three weeks.  Long enough for him to have some idea about how his back to school year has started.  This weekend check in with him (or her) and ask how the classes have started.  Ask about any extracurricular activities or clubs with which he is involved.  Listen to him and let him know you are available if he needs help, but that you also want to be available just to hear how things are going.

Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day weekend now.  This is a time to take a break from work and enjoy our family and friends.  Labor Day is often seen as the end of summer and represents time to start back to school for teens.  This weekend, spend some time talking with your teen about what he enjoyed most about last summer.  Talk with him about how he thinks the next school year will go.  Listening to him can be one of the best ways to understand how he sees his life at this time.  And remember to have fun!

Dr. Debra

MEET THE TEACHER

With the beginning of the school year comes meet the teacher night.  Schools have open houses for parents to come to meet their teen's teachers.  Why should you go to this meeting after working all day long or staying at home with young children all day long?  The teachers are required to be there after their long day at school.  So they may not necessarily be that excited about being at school in the evening either.  But many teachers do want to meet the parents of their children because they see the parents as important people in their students lives and the teachers want to open lines of communication with the parents.  So why should you the parent, attend?  You should be there so that the teachers know that your son or daughter has a parent who has made him/her a priority.  You should be there to open communication with the teachers.  And you should be there to model for your teen respectful behavior towards his teachers.

Our teens often learn from our behaviors better than they do with our words.

Dr. Debra

School and Social Isolation

The school year is very new or just starting for your teen.  Many teens look forward to starting school to see friends they enjoyed being in class with last year.  I have heard some teens state that they feel "a little isolated" during the summer, but that their social life picks back up when school begins.  But what about the teen who struggles with social isolation?

Teens who struggle with making social connections may feel just the opposite:  a sense of comfort being home in their own world during the summer and a sense of anxiety about having to return to school and be around a lot of people.  Some teens are introverted individuals who do well with some friends but who do not want to have a lot of social popularity, and these are not the individuals I am referring to as socially isolated teens.  Socially isolated teens are those teens who may be introverted but who struggle with connecting with other teens and who feel isolated or apart from the teen world.  And teens struggling with this issue often want something to change but cannot see how to make that happen.

Helping your teen with social issues is always a challenge.  But looking at the beginning of school as an opportunity to change "your social life" can be a positive spin on the issue.  Try to help your teen analyze his school's social structure related to clubs and extracurricular activities.  And help him plan a strategy to enter one of those arenas.  He stands to gain some friends and a boost in self-esteem.  Encourage him to have the courage and be around to help him try again if one attempt is not successful.

Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE: HOW IS SCHOOL?

Your teen either started school already or is looking to start next week.  Check in with him about what his expectations are about this school year.  Listen for concerns he may have as well as positive thoughts he has.  Help him think positively about the challenges he might face by identifying them and developing a strategy to make the challenges manageable.  Support the thoughts he has about what might be exciting about the school year. Include extra-curricular activities in your discussion such as sports and clubs.  Attitude can make a major difference at the beginning of school to the student and the teachers.

Dr. Debra

How Will I Ever Make it to College?

Teens are starting back to school this week or next.  Many teens express a lot of worries about starting back to school and the worries they have about how they will do in school academically.  I am seeing more and more teens who express worries about whether they can make good enough grades and test scores to go to college. 

What can you tell your teen who is starting back to high school and who also worries about how he will make it to college?  The first thing I would say for any high school student who is not starting his senior year is to focus on his day to day activities at school in order to do his best academically. 

For the students entering 9th through 11th grade.  I would work with my teen to set reasonable reachable goals for him academically.  I would also suggest evaluating his needs in regard to standardized testing - does he need to take a SAT prep course?  Does his school offer SAT preparation?  And look at his extracurricular activities with him.  Help him decide what he is interested in and help him find a way to volunteer in that area.  You might consider volunteering with him!

For the students entering 12th grade, much work has already occurred and college applications are now needing to be completed.  Help your teen organize the deadlines he has for his applications and assist him with this process.  And remind him that there are a number of colleges where he could learn and be  happy.  Make the process as interesting as you can as a way to aid in removing your teen's anxiety.

Dr. Debra

BACK TO SCHOOL TIME

Your teen is about to start back to school soon.  He is either trying to avoid the thought of returning to school or he is starting to make preparations to return to school.  Many teens try to not think about school starting - if your teen is one of these, how do you help him?  Ask your teen to make a list of all the things that need to happen so that he is ready on the first day of school.  Common list items might be "buy school supplies."  So ask him to check to see what his school supply list is or develop one.  Another item might be something along the lines of "get school uniforms out" or "get my clothes that meet dress code ready."  So ask him to do those things.  And if your teen had any summer reading or projects to do - check with him to see what his progress is.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent in getting him ready to return to school is give him deadlines for tasks - and help him understand how to break those tasks down so that they are not overwhelming.  If your teen is about to start junior or senior year, hopefully he has mastered the return to school tasks and simply needs for you to check in with him to see that they are completed.

Good luck!

Dr Debra

 

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND INDEPENDENCE

Recently I have seen a few college students that have not been successful in their first year of college and returned home. They seem to feel that they did not know how to take care of themselves. This seems like this might be true for most college freshman but not actually. These young adults could not manage the transition to college and had to leave. As parents we need to help our kids develop these independent skills. They need to adjust to that separation from parents and be able to make decisions for themselves. It is a lot easier to do this now while they are still under your wing than after they have had to leave college. If you are a parent of a teenager that is not separating encourage independent decision making. (even when you are not happy with the decision) Give them chores to do so they can manage their own stuff. They need a checking account. They need to be doing their own laundry. They need to be deciding how to balance everything they have in their life. A parents you are not abandoning them, you are giving them freedom to succeed. Sherri

RUN, HIDE, AND FIGHT: A LESSON FROM A HOUSTON VIDEO

I saw a video that the city of Houston, Texas had recently completed about how to respond in an emergency situation with a gunman.  The video shows a group of people who appear to be office workers talking together and organizing to assault a gunman when he comes through their door.  The information from the video is that it is better to organize and fight the gunman to try to survive.  Like "stop, drop, and roll", the phrase to remember if on fire, this catch phrase in a shooting emergency is "run, hide, and fight."  The thinking is that anyone who is shooting up the place with a gun needs to be avoided and then stopped.

Do you almost want to say "What is our world coming to these days?"  We should remember that this is a frightening topic, but thinking in advance about what to do in a crisis is always helpful for folks when they find themselves in that crisis.  The phrase "run, hide, and fight" might indeed help someone in a difficult situation in the future.

I am hoping that your teen never has to put this slogan into effect.

Dr. Debra 

ANOTHER SHOOTING: WHAT MUST OUR TEENS THINK?

Today is another sad day related to people dying while engaging in innocent activity - worshipping this time.  This shooting follows so soon after the horrible shooting in Colorado while people were again engaging in an innocent activity - watching a movie.

What must our teens think about this?  The responses may surprise you.  Some teens react with fear, but a number see this as "business as usual."  They have become numbed by the number of these occurrences that have happened during their lifetime.  We must remember, today's teens were 9-11's toddlers.  So they have reached adolescent hearing about traumas.

What do we as parents do?  We must continue talking to our teens when these tragedies happen and encourage our teen to realize that this is not the way life should be.  We need to help them get in touch with fear and sadness they may have.  But we also need to help them think about ways in which they can keep themselves safe. And if they find themselves in the unthinkable position of being in such an area how they might react which would give them the greatest chance of survival.  Studies show that people who have thought ahead are better able to respond in a crisis.

I pray that these senseless acts of violence will cease and our teens can see life in a different way.  My prayers are with the families and faith community of the Sikh community who were killed and injured.

Dr. Debra

 

 

Pornography and Addiction

Sherri wrote thoughtful blog about teens and porn.  Teens often become exposed to porn through the internet, but exposure can and often does occur in a variety of other ways.  Teens have media exposure to porn in the form of magazines, books, and television/movies.  And we can not discount the constant barrage of billboards, commercials, etc. which have pornographic undertones.

Addiction to any substance often occurs with gradual exposure and use of that substance.  With pornography, addiction begins with everyday media exposure to material which has undertones of pornograpy.  Over time, the teen becomes accustomed to the porn and will seek out other ways to increase his thrill from the material.  Magazines, movies, and the internet are the ways your teen may seek out porn. 

Many parents do not want to be a "policeman" but in this instance it is important to check your teen's phone and internet - you want to stop this cycle a soon as possible.

Dr. Debra

Murders at "The Dark Knight Rises"

All of us are horrified by the murders at the Colorado movie theatre at the midnight showing of "The Dark Knight Rises" this past week.  Details are just now being released about the events of that evening.  We are hearing that a man opened fire at this premiere, killing 12 and wounding 59 people. 

Stories of bravery have been coming forth such as a man who leaped in front of the gunman, saving his girlfriend and her brother while he himself was killed.  Stories of fear and terror have been recounted by those who were present in the theatre.

Why and how did this happen?  I think all of us are asking that question today.  Places like movie theatres are considered safe places to go for everyone.  Now many families and teens are questioning whether it is safe to go anywhere after witnessing this horrible tragic event.

We do not know the motive or thoughts of the gunman.  Knowing this might help us understand what he was thinking, if he was seeking revenge for something, or if he was developing delusional thinking.  And sometimes understanding how something occurred can help all of us cope with fear and anger.

Talk to your teen about this.  Help him understand that we do not have answers as to how this happened, and that we need to gather more information.  Have him discuss with you how he feels about this and ask him if this has changed his thoughts about where or even if he is safe anywhere.

If is so important that we help our teen have a sense of being able to function in the outside world and not let them become paralyzed by events such as this.  But to do that we need to help them by talking with them and getting them to talk to us.

My thoughts and prayers are with the families of those who did not survive this assault and with the survivors who were injured and witnessed this tragedy.

Dr. Debra

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

LIFE SKILLS FOR TEENS

We have talked about this before, but about 4 to 6 weeks before school starts back is a good time to rethink life skills for teens.  We think of all the tasks a teen should be able to do for himself, such as cleaning, cooking, grooming, etc.  But we do not always think of the benefits of teens doing something which requires responsibility.  What might that be?  An employed position or volunteer position, but your teen also has "work" to do at home. Those important chores include keeping his/her own room clean, and organizing for the fall semester.

Critical problem-solving is so important as a life skill for teens.  Watch your teen deal with a problem and note his critical problem-solving skills.  This could tell you what you still need to teach your teen.

Dr. Debra

 

The Benefits of Being Bored

Sherri wrote a thoughtful commentary on teens being bored over the summer.  And she is right - about now, teens start getting bored during their summer vacations.  The suggestion of talking to your teen and suggesting volunteer work is a good idea.  And as parents we need to engage our teen and help him find positive ways to use his time.

I think that we should also let our teen have the experience of being "bored."  Boredom can be a positive motivator itself.  Teens will realize that they have to take responsibility for their own entertainment and for making choices about how they spend their time.  Many times we as parents think we are responsibility to always make sure our teen is either doing something that is good for them or doing something that they have fun doing.  But everyone finds a place and time where he feels bored - and learning how to manage that feeling is a good coping skill.

Be available to help your teen come up with ideas about how to deal with summer boredom - but let him do some of the work trying to resolve this himself.

Dr. Debra

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra