Parenting with All the Pieces

SCHOOL IS ABOUT TO BE OUT FOR SUMMER

We have talked about this before - but school is about to be out once again for summertime!  Are you ready?  Are your teens ready?

How do you get prepared for the end of school?  Help your teen organize himself for final exams and the completion of final projects.  As we know, mentally checking out of school before school is actually over can have painful consequences academically.

Another important project at this time is to review any plans you have made about summer schedules, work, camp, and other expectations such as community service for summer.

Be certain to celebrate with your teen the end of school by spending some time talking about the end of the year - what was good about the year and what he feels he accomplished this year.

And have some fun this summer!

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

SPRING BREAK AND YOUR TEEN

Spring break starts next week for many students; for others, their break will be the following week.  Your teen has been excited about this break and is just ready to be out of school for a while. 

What activities do your teens engage in during Spring Break?  Sleeping late in the morning is usually at the top of the list.  Teens also wish to spend time with their friends - often just hanging out at a friend's home.  Some families travel during this time.

Spring break should be a time for fun and relaxation.  Your teen needs a break after the long haul from New Year's until Spring Break, and he needs to get ready for completing the remainder of his course work this year. 

Have your teen reevaluate how he is progressing and help him with setting priorities to accomplish after he returns to school.  Revisit these priorities on a weekly basis for his first few weeks back to school to help him see how helpful this can be to the process.

And be sure to have some fun over Spring Break!

Dr. Debra

 

 

SPRING AND CHANGE IS COMING

We are ending the first weekend in March.  Even in areas of the country where the weather is cold, people have started thinking about spring.  Teens are especially excited because spring means that summer is just around the corner.

Spring signifies growth and change.  All of us are looking forward to warmer weather after winter.  Many of us welcome the change of spring.  Your teen has pressures at this time of year, however.

What are some of the challenges of spring for teens?  The last nine weeks of school are characterized by spring break, projects to complete, final exams.  For juniors, the SAT and ACT are usually taken during this time and for seniors, the decision about college must be made.

How can you be helpful to your teen?  Help him think about how to schedule himself so that he gets adequate sleep while he has so much going on at school.  Ask him to talk about his stressors.  And make sure that he gets some fun time during this three month marathon to the end of the school year.

Dr. Debra

POSITIVE ROLE MODELING FOR TEENS

Like it or not, all of serve as a role model for our teens.  By our behavior, we exhibit ways of coping with difficult issues as well as model how to live life.  We are either a positive example or a negative example. 

All of us have bad days.  Have you ever thought that teaching your teen how to deal with a bad day may actually be helping him with his own struggles?  Being a positive role model does not mean that you always look happy as a way to teach your teen.  Being a positive role model does mean, however, that you cope with disappointment and stress in a healthy way.  This could mean talking about how you are stressed; or exercising; or developing a strategy; or just taking some time away from the problem by doing something to reduce stress. 

Teens notice what we do.  Showing our teens how to deal with disappointment is teaching them a very valuable skill.  And teaching them how to be graceful when things do not go your way

Dr. Debra

 

CHRISTMAS IS JUST TWO DAYS AWAY!

Two days before Christmas - and your teens are out of school for holiday break and most likely showing some enthusiasm about having time off and being able to do "what I want."  The upcoming week will be one in which families all across our country will be spending some time together.

How will you spend your time with your teen?  Sherri and I have talked about establishing Christmas traditions if you do not have any.  Establishing a Christmas tradition can be an easy simple thing to do - provided you keep doing the activity each year.  Someone asked me about ideas for Christmas traditions.  Some thoughts are that you could have a particular movie or Christmas special on DVD that you sit down and watch together with popcorn or other treats.  Another idea is to wrap presents together, and listen to Christmas music.  One family I know always attends the Christmas candlelighting ceremony at their church.  Having some "Christmas decor" that appears each year can be a holiday ritual that everyone enjoys.  Some folks may serve certain foods at certain times - in Texas, a number of folks eat tamales on Christmas Eve, for example.

Since Christmas is just two days away, think about what you are doing this year that you want to repeat as a tradition next year.  And ENJOY every small task you do with your teens and families.

Dr. Debra

 

LIVING THROUGH CRISIS

We are faced with a number of crises in recent times.  Just a few days ago. we listened to the news reporters telling us about the crises of Hurricane Sandy crashing into the east coastline.  In following these reports, we have learned that a number of people have been killed and many properties destroyed.  Rebuilding will happen - but the pace will depend on resources and ongoing weather concerns.

How do we help our teens understand crises?  Not an easy task - many teens struggle with anxieties about these concerns.  Our first task is to reassure our teen and help him/her realize that problem-solving is critical in times of crisis.  One way to start this process is to problem-solve with him about what the family will do in the event of crisis.  In other words, develop a plan of action for how your family responds.  Once you have determined this plan, you wil be able to lower anxiety for any family members.

Help your teen understand that recovery is a process and does not happen at the pace of the destruction that determined the problem in the first place.  And sometimes helping your teen understand that crises are ongoing throughtout human history will put these events into perspective.

Dr. Debra

 

HALLOWEEN IS ONE WEEK AWAY

Halloween is a holiday that children and teens love.  Whether they get to dress up at school or dress up after school to go trick or treating the feeling of fall excitement is in the air.  Some parents do not want their family to participate in Halloween due to thoughts about negative religious implications - and every family has their own way of thinking about this holiday.

We know when Halloween arrives that Thanksgiving and Christmas are not far away.  So the Holiday Season has officially started.  Now is the time to start thinking about how your teen will be spending his time and to make plans for the season!

Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge: School Check-In

We have reached the middle of the semester.  School will intensify over the next two months.  Your teen will have schoolwork and holiday activities to contend with as the year ends.

Take a little time to check in with your teen as to how school is going.  Help him anticipate the deadlines he will have and help him with planning.  Marke sure he knows you are available as a consultant.

And when he gets overwhelmed, remind him he has holiday breaks coming up to anticipate!

Dr. Debra

IS YOUR TEEN THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE?

College is a word that strikes both excitement and fear in the heart of many teens.  Many are excited about the oppportunity to go to college in order to have fun, be independent, and get an education in a field which they have interest.  And that may be your teen's order of interest:  fun, independence, and then education! 

Many teens become anxious when they think about college.  They have worries about how college will be financed - which is a realistic worry for many teens and their families.  And they also have worries about whether they can get into a college.  The Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT) becomes a worry for teens as they worry about how they will perform and if the score will be competitive.

One option that many teens do not often consider is the option of attending a college in their home community.  By taking that option, they can help themselves and their families in many ways.  I have known a number of teens who attend college locally for two years and live at home - by doing this, they save a great deal of money. They also have a secure environment in which to live while they develop the necessary study skills to help them be successful in college. Those teens then often transfer to a college away from home. 

Many considerations come into play when thinking about college.  Helpy our teen be thoughtful about the many factors that impact his decision.

Debra Atkisson, M.D.

 

BUILDING GOOD CHARACTER IN TEENS: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Sherri's blog on nurturing good character in your teen is an excellent outline on how to work with your teen to help him think through what he has been taught and the influences around him.  She has described the many ways in which a parent can help lead a teen along the path of developing a good moral compass.

I find that talking to teens and working to help them think though important issues is vital.  Another important way to help teens is to lead by example.  Teens will often learn more by watching how we handle issues than listening to us tell them how to handle examples.  I have heard more than one parent talk about their shock when they heard their teen cursing and learned that he is only repeating what he has heard them say in the past. 

Think about the multiple exposures to adults in the media:  rock stars, sports players, etc. who model poor behavior to our teens.  Just this week Madonna in her endorsement for President Obama, stood on stage and cursed to such a degree that the rest of her content was almost not understandable.  It is confusing to teens that such an icon can be cheered for such inappropriate behavior.  So to say that our teens receive mixed messages in the examples around them is an understatement.

How can you help this confusion with your teens?  STAY CONSISTENT in your behavior with your teens and be aware that your teen is watching you and everything you do.  Show your teen that an adult can be respectful to others even if you disagree with others opinions.  Think about your own religious values and how you should model them to your teen.  Leading by example will give your teen a way to see that adults can have a strong moral compass related to their value systems.

Dr. Debra

FALL IS HERE: WHERE HAS THE YEAR GONE?

This week marks the beginning of the fall season.  Here in Texas, many of us feel like fall is here when temperatures drop below 90 - and this last week we have had temperatures in the upper 60's.  Cooler temperatures and the many fall and even Christmas decorations already placed in stores are visible reminders to us that the year is marching forward.

Our teens are now locked into a school routine - or at least we hope that they are!  The focus is on academics, athletics, extracurricular activities, jobs, and peer relationships.  The next three months will go by in a whirlwind of activity centered around all these important areas in their lives.  Add in the holiday season, family, church, and travelling and your teen's plate is very full at this time.  The relaxing days of summer are quickly becoming a memory.

By now hopefully you have had an opportunity to check in with your teen about his school schedule and you have some idea about how school is going for him.  Areas in which he needs help should be addressed NOW before the year gets even busier.  He may need assistance in a particular class, an extracurricular activity, or how he is interacting with peers.  Help him problem solve anything he needs to shift now so that any area of concern can be corrected by the end of the semester.

And while you are helping him with areas of concern, be sure to start thinking about all your teen's accomplishments this year.  You might even want to jot down a list so that you can remind him when he may be feeling discouraged. 

Celebrate fall and positive accomplishments.  Fall is the time of harvest and this should apply to positive behavioral changes yielding good results as well.

Dr. Debra

How Will I Ever Make it to College?

Teens are starting back to school this week or next.  Many teens express a lot of worries about starting back to school and the worries they have about how they will do in school academically.  I am seeing more and more teens who express worries about whether they can make good enough grades and test scores to go to college. 

What can you tell your teen who is starting back to high school and who also worries about how he will make it to college?  The first thing I would say for any high school student who is not starting his senior year is to focus on his day to day activities at school in order to do his best academically. 

For the students entering 9th through 11th grade.  I would work with my teen to set reasonable reachable goals for him academically.  I would also suggest evaluating his needs in regard to standardized testing - does he need to take a SAT prep course?  Does his school offer SAT preparation?  And look at his extracurricular activities with him.  Help him decide what he is interested in and help him find a way to volunteer in that area.  You might consider volunteering with him!

For the students entering 12th grade, much work has already occurred and college applications are now needing to be completed.  Help your teen organize the deadlines he has for his applications and assist him with this process.  And remind him that there are a number of colleges where he could learn and be  happy.  Make the process as interesting as you can as a way to aid in removing your teen's anxiety.

Dr. Debra

ACCEPTING DIFFERENCES AMONG PEOPLE

Differences between people are items we all deal with in life.  Our differences - diversity - make life interesting and help us learn and broaden our way to viewing issues.  But diversity is something that teens may alternate between embracing and between shunning.  Because trying to understand diversity is not easy. 

Too many times in history we see events in which diversity was not only allowed, but diverse peoples were strongly discrimated against or even murdered.  The concentration camps ofGermany are a brutal reminder of how rapidly things can change when diversity is not embraced.    

Work with your teen to help him understand the importance of embracing and understanding differences among people.

 

Dr. Debra                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

The Benefits of Being Bored

Sherri wrote a thoughtful commentary on teens being bored over the summer.  And she is right - about now, teens start getting bored during their summer vacations.  The suggestion of talking to your teen and suggesting volunteer work is a good idea.  And as parents we need to engage our teen and help him find positive ways to use his time.

I think that we should also let our teen have the experience of being "bored."  Boredom can be a positive motivator itself.  Teens will realize that they have to take responsibility for their own entertainment and for making choices about how they spend their time.  Many times we as parents think we are responsibility to always make sure our teen is either doing something that is good for them or doing something that they have fun doing.  But everyone finds a place and time where he feels bored - and learning how to manage that feeling is a good coping skill.

Be available to help your teen come up with ideas about how to deal with summer boredom - but let him do some of the work trying to resolve this himself.

Dr. Debra

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

SUMMER VACATIONS

Now that we are getting into summer it is time to think about vacations. Does your family take a vacation? I think vacations are important. It doesn't mean that you have to go far away and spend a great deal of money. What it does mean is that this is special time with your kids to spend time together without the burden of work and chores. You may not get to go away from home but there needs to be time to just enjoy each other. A vacation is not just about getting away. I knew a teenager once where the family took vacations with other families but the teenagers never interacted with their parents. This does not help that bonding factor. Our kids need to spend time with us where we are not stressed by the factors at work and home. We need to enjoy each other. I hope you are able to spend some time like that this year. Sherri

PARENTS AS MURDERERS?!

A very chilling story was released today about a 10 year old boy who had been starved to death by his father and stepmother. The father had been punishing the boy and had placed him on rations of water, bread, and milk. The boy's remains were found in a creek and identified. How might your teen react to reading or seeing a story about parents being the murderers of their child? Your teen will likely see this on the news. Asking him about his response could be very helpful. Take this opportunity to point out that these parents were obviously troubled and that evil can exist in different forms. I think that talking about this can reduce your teen's fears. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND SUMMER

Most teens will be out of school within a month.  We have talked before about how important it is to start thinking about how to help your teen finish the school year and plan for summer.  I think that having fun is a major priority for teens in the summer - and having fun is important.  But your teen needs to value fun with service, work, and preparation for future interests.  A job can be extremely important - your teen learns the importance of work and service through a job.  And this can be combined with exploring future interests - for example, working in a hospital in some capacity can help the teen learn about healthcare interests.

While helping with your teen's planning, do make sure that fun is added into the mix!

Dr. Debra

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

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FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have been posting about working with your teen to start thinking and planning on summer. Spend some time this weekend talking with your teen about his thoughts about summer as a way to start the conversation. Dr. Debra

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

THE HUNGER GAMES

Tomorrow night is the midnight premiere of "The Hunger Games", a movie about teenagers who must fight to the death in an arena. Many teens have read the book series. Many teens will watch the movie. Do you know much about this new series? Many themes in the books are about loyalty to family, selflessness, and survival. These books will hopefully make your teen think about the things he/she has to be thankful for in his life. But I do think it would be important for teens to discuss the frightening parts of the book/movie such as how the government controlled whether a person lived or died. The themes of rebellion should be discussed as well. I strongly encourage you to either watch the movie or read the book if your teen has an interest in this. I think a lot can be discussed in a positive way with your teen and some very important topics are illustrated in this material. Dr. Debra

CYBERBULLYING

I just read an article about a teen girl in Maryland who posted on an internet sight that she was going to commit suicide if the school did not address the cyberbullying issue. She described how a "popular guy" has been terrorizing her and others on facebook and twitter. Some of his copied posts were listed in which he was clearly verbally abusive and devaluing of the young girl. From what I understood, teens had made the school aware of the problem but nothing had changed. The girl stated she believed she would have to kill herself in order to get the school's attention. I think this girl's response to the bullying clearly helps us understand how powerless she felt about the situation. The internet has a lot of power especially over teenagers. Facebook provides a very public stage often for "1000" friends or more to see how y ou are treated. How can we help teens understand the ramifications of cyberbullying? Let your teen know that this is wrong and if they know of someone who is behaving like a cyberbully or someone who is the victim of a bully, they each need help. You might discuss with your teen how one goes about getting help from their school. And you can help your teen learn to deflect bullying behavior in the hopes that he will never feel like he has to commit suicide to deal with a bully. Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day which is filled with folks celebrating the patron saint of Ireland. Whether your family celebrates Saint Paddy's day or not, his story is very compelling. He was kidnapped from his family - and there is controversy as to whether he was born in Dumbarton, Scotland or Wales - and taken as a slave to Ireland. After escaping, he later returned there as a priest to serve the people of Ireland. The theme of being taken from your family could open a discussion with your teen about how Patrick must have felt when he left home so abruptly. You might be surprised about your teen's thoughts on leaving home. If you have not had that discussion, this might be an easy way to bring up the subject. Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Dr. Debra

Spring Break

This week or next week your teen will have the pleasure of having a week off from school – spring break. Teens, teachers, and parents often need a break around this time. So what do you do at spring break? Many parents work, although some families take time off during this week. How do you manage this week as a family? For those parents who work during spring break week, take some time to help your teen develop ideas of fun things to do during the day with friends or at home. Be sure to plan something for the family to do for fun sometime during the week. For families who are taking time off during this week, be sure to plan some time together. It is surprising how many people take time off but wind up not spending time together. But whatever you do, be sure to have fun. Because spring break happens all too fast and your teen will be in a whirlwind to complete the school semester once school resumes. Dr Debra

MARIJUANA AND YOUR TEEN

Teens may engage in marijuana useage because they believe that marijuana is a benign substance. Many teens tell me that they see on the internet and they hear from their peers that marijuana is "fun" and "everybody uses it". I have heard teens tell me that since marijuana is "legal" in Colorado and California that it can't be bad for you. From the teen perspective, I can see their point. However, marijuana has detrimental effects on the developing teen and young adult brain. Research has been released showing a greater risk for development of serious mental illness. Brain scans on marijuana-exposed young brain shows that the size of the brain can become smaller with marijuana use. Just google the article "Smoking Pot Shrinks the Brain." This is important information for any teen to know – and parents also. Discuss with your teen the ramifications upon their mental health from marijuana use. Dr Debra

SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR TEEN: PREVENTING ISOLATION

Sherri's blog about parents being physically present but emotionally absent made me start thinking about how we use time with our teens. We get so busy with our own world of work and responsibilities that it is easy to not really think about how we could be most effective for our teens. I know I am guilty of multi-tasking when I am sitting with my teen - before I know it, I am checking email, looking at the weather report on my phone, thinking about what I have to do at work the next day. Doing these behaviors unfortunately sends a message to my teen that I am not putting time with her at the top of my list, and can lead to her pulling back from me and not telling me what is going on in her world. Teens who tend to isolate would be at even greater risk if they feel their parent is not present for them but is involved in things that they see as more important. And as we parents know, it is not that we think things are more important, but we feel pressured by our responsibilities. So how do we effectively spend time with our teen? BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. How do we do this? Put the cell phone on vibrate, turn off the laptop, and focus on talking to your teen. You might decide to do this through taking a walk, cooking a meal together, running an errand. Even though you might be engaged in an activity, it needs to be an activity that you are both workig at together. This provides a way to interact and you will find your teen opening up and telling you about his day or about something he is trying to think through - who knows, he might even ask your opinion. The most important thing about being present is that it is something you do INTENTIONALLY. So think about those times you have with your teen. How can you intentionally be present in the moment with him? Dr Debra

DIVORCE AND THE HOLIDAYS

Teens whose parents are divorcing or divorced often have anxiety about the holidays. In spite of the fact that visitation is usually outlined in divorce proceedings, the teen often feels torn about whether it is O.K. for him to be happy when with either parent over the holidays. Teens often think about how things could have been - and feel sadness and sense of loss. Parents must be sensitive to their children during this time. Sherri wrote an excellent blog about how divorced parents need to put their teens first. So the question is - how do people who did not like each other enough to stay together work together over the holidays? Communicating with each other about the holidays and how the teens will spend time with each parent is critical. Each parent needs to give their child permission to have fun while with the other parent. If the divorced parents can possibly be cordial to each other in their children's presence, this will help the child feel better about the holiday time. Planning traditions for each parent to have with the teen helps the teen establish expected routines which he willl look forward to experiencing. Divorced parents CAN work together over the holidays to make each person's holiday experience a positive one. Dr. Debra

Teenagers and Driving

One of the major rites of passage during adolescence is getting your driver's license. As parents, we approach our teens driving with mixed emotions. Most of us are glad that our teen is becoming independent and has accomplished the tasks necessary to get a driver's license. Most of us also worry about the many things that can happen during driving: accidents, kidnapping, drinking/driving, etc.How do we handle our concerns? Start discussing with your teen the ways to deal with different situations that may occur. Discuss the types of behaviors that can increase the risk of car accidents, such as texting or talking on the cell phone while driving. Help them understand the risks of injury as well as the risks of harming someone else. And be sure to talk about the risk of drinking and driving. But as parents, try to remember how you felt when you first started driving. One of my friends tells a story about how he had a car accident four days after getting his license. Realize that your teen may have an accident, and try to equip him with the best ways to drive safely to decrease his risk. This is a topic you will need to revisit with your teen on a regular basis. Dr. Debra

SOLVE PROBLEMS ON A FULL STOMACH

This may be quite obvious to most of you, but I still see teen patients whose parents do not think about how irritable a hungry teen can be! And those same parents are surprised when their conversations do not get any response from the teenager. Teens cannot think well when hungry - and this reflects back to the neurochemistry that Sherri referenced. After eating, dopamine is released from the brain and the person who just ate feels a sense of well-being and calmness. This is probably the very best time to discuss problematic areas and how problem-solving can occur. Just remember, wait until after dinner not before to deal with important issues. Dr. Debra

Teens: Learning How All of Us are Connected

We receive so many messages about individuality - and being your own individual is positive. But how can we teach our teen about how to be appropriately dependent on others and understand the necessity to be connected to other people? I heard the concept of connection among people discussed today in a sermon. The pastor talked about how as people we are looking for connection, in fact, are naturallky suited for connection with others. The points about how being connected to someone, who helps you and who you help, is a positive eperience for both parties. So how do we help our teen see this as a positive? Start by pointing out how you are connected. Talk about family members, colleagues, friends who help you. And discuss how you help those people. When your teen can see a living example of mutual connectedness and relationship with you he will be better able to understand how this can apply to his life. You will be teaching him a very valuable concept for life.

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: 9/11 MEMORIES AND EXPLANATIONS

Tomorrow is the tenth year anniversary of 9/11.  Spend some time talking to your teen about your memories of 9/11 and your understandings of how this happened.  Ask your teen if he/she has any memories or ideas of 9/11.  Talk to your teen about where you would reunite with them in the event of a crisis or disaster in your area.

Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: LABOR DAY

We celebrate Labor Day this weekend.  This holiday was originally established due to labor unions establishing better working conditions.  We typically view this holiday as the last weekend of summer. 

Spend this weekend talking with your teen about work, and the importance of having time for rest, family, and fun. 

And have an enjoyable weekend too!

Dr Debra

 

THE IMPORTANCE OF FAMILY VACATIONS

Dr. Debra is on a much deserved vacation. She will not be blogging this week. Last week she blogged about the high level of stress in our current culture. A family vacation can be another way to destress. This should be a time to enjoy each other and for our children to interact with us without the daily stress we bring home and the stress that exists at home. It is a time when neither the parents nor the children have to do chores. It is just a time to enjoy each other. So if possible take a family vacation. Use it as a time to enjoy your children and for them to enjoy you. Have a great time. Sherri

STRESS AND YOUR WORK AND YOUR TEEN

The topic of work and stress and family is always a sore point for many of us.  As Americans, we probably work harder than many folks around the world.  Our work environments are so fast-paced and intense that we frequently work longer than the eight hour work day and leave feeling that we still have so much to accomplish.

How does this effect our teens and our families?  Our teenager feels our stress when we come home.  As parents, we don't even have to talk about how stressed we are - our teen can pick up on this by our tension.  Sherri just wrote a blog about yeling at our teens - I think that many parents yell because of the stress they accumulate during their work-day.  How do we deal with this differently?

I strongly suggest that as parents we find a way to transition from work to home.  On the drive home, listening to peaceful music or a book on CD about relaxation, family relationships, or spiritual thoughts can be so helpful in setting a boundary between work and home.  Consciously telling yourself that you are going to leave the work stressors there and be an open and present parent to your teen before walking in the door of your home is a very valuable tool.  And this will be helpful for you as well as your teen.

Balancing work and parenthood is never easy.  But each step you take in being aware and taking action to improve this boundary is a step towards helping your teen.

Dr Debra

THE TRAGEDY IN NORWAY: THE IMPACT ON YOUR TEEN

We are all saddened and horrified by the tragic shooting in Norway in which more than 80 teens were killed following the bombing in Oslo.  The media has been updating us regularly with these events.  I just finished reading an accounting of a teen who survived this ordeal.  Reading her experience was very unsettling; the descriptions of how people tried to flee but were shot down conveyed terror.

Your teen will hear about this.  How does this impact your teen?  The idea of young teens away at summer camp being murdered is so senseless that your teen will have difficulty comprehending why this even happened.  And at this point, we don't know the gunman's motives.  What we can surmise is that he is disturbed at a severe level to commit these atrocities.  Unfortunately, our media has already tried to label this act as being a political act.  This act was one of evil intent by someone who is disturbed at a deep level, regardless of his political or religious leanings.  And helping your teen understand that disturbed people with evil intentions walk among us is a job that parents do not want to address.  None of us like talking about this.  We would all like to believe that these incidents are just rare incidents and that these things "happen somewhere else."   I am sure the people of Norway would have never expected something like this to happen in their country, where the Nobel Peace Prize is awarded.  The next time you begin to think in that manner, just recall 9/11 in New York City.  These events happen everywhere.

So in going back to talking about this with your teen, what is the best course of action?  Get your teen to talk about his thoughts about what happened, as well as his emotional reactions.  Be certain to listen for any fear your teen has.  Help him think through how he might have reacted.  And be realistic with your teen.  He has a greater chance of having to deal with an incident in his lifetime than the generation before him.  Thinking about these incidents and how you would cope in the moment can help your teen be prepared as much as anyone can be. 

I am not suggesting that we encourage fear in our teens.  I am suggesting that we do the best we can as parents to help them be prepared for whatever they may face.

My prayers continue for the families in Norway.

Dr Debra

 

GROWING UP WITH HARRY POTTER

Sherri and I have both commented on Harry Potter and the impact on our teens of the final movie of this series.  Both of us have noted the importance of using this movie and series to discuss topics which are meaningful to today's teenagers.  But I don't think either of us realized the true impact of this series.

Yesterday as I talked to a 20 year old woman, I was struck by her thoughts about Harry Potter.  She said to me "I grew up with Harry Potter.  My whole childhood had milestones of the next book.... the next movie.... and now as a young adult, I am having to deal with the end of the series.  It is almost like this marks the end of my childhood."  I sat back and realized that this perspective is probably common to young adults.  This series was a phenomenon in that children quickly became attached to the characters and story line and anticipated the next installation.

Why was this appealing?  Our children could relate from an age standpoint to the characters in the books and movies.  The struggles the characters experienced in growing up were dramatized in the good versus evil fight of Harry and Voldemort.  This fight also represents the struggle in understanding and developing a separateness from parents and other authority figures while at the same time striking a healthy relationship with these figures.  Grief and loss is shown a number of times.  Loss of innocence and disillusionment is portrayed.  Sacrifice for others - in the form of parental sacrifice and sacrifice of friends - is demonstrated among the characters.

In essence, many young adults may feel that their worldview of how to be with others could come from this book series. 

Encourage your teens to talk about the impact of growing up with Harry. 

Dr Debra

SUMMERTIME VALUE

Sherri and I have both been writing about how to use your summertime with your teen.  I wrote about helping teach your teen competencies in areas such as self-care and time management to help him when he goes to college or moves away from home.  Sherri talked about how to assess how your child did in school this last year and ways to help your child have a different outcome next year.

As Americans we are always evaluating the value of things.  How do we evaluate the value of summertime?  Summer comes and goes much too rapidly for all of us.  When school starts this fall or your teen leaves home for school elsewhere, how do you determine if you and your teen got "good value" for the summer?

I suggest sitting down with your teen now - as we get ready to enter the July 4th holiday weekend - and ask him what he needs to feel he has used his time in a way that will help him this fall.  Develop a plan of action for the remaining time of the summer.

But whatever you do, make sure you spend some fun time with your teen this summer.  The time we have with our teens is just as fleeting as summer.

Dr. Debra

LEAVING HOME

Your teen may be spending his last summer with the family before going off to college.  Today I saw a teen who graduated high school and his mother stated that the he will be travelling off to college in less than two months.  Two months....can pass fairly quickly.  Will you be ready to watch your teen leave home to go to college?

The summer before starting college can be such a valuable time for a teen and his family.  This is a time to emphasize that your teen is ready for this challenge, but that you are available as a resource to help him with this big change.

Discussing challenges he faced in high school and how he resolved them can be helpful in giving confidence.  And always helping your teen remember that he has a place with you when he needs to rest or retreat from the challenges of college can be especially helpful.

Make this summer a time that both you and your teen will remember.

Dr Debra

SUMMER GOALS: VACATION VS WORK

Summer is here!  Most schools will be out for summer by the end of this week.  What does this mean for your family and your teen?

All of the teens I have talked to lately are focused on one topic:  vacation versus work.  All teens want to have fun this summer, hang out with friends, take life easy.  But they also feel the need to work - hopefully to make some money to help with college in the future or just to fund their fun with friends.  Some teens have even told me that they feel like they are in a real bind as to what to do.

As parents you can help your teen with this dilemma by teaching them how to balance fun with work.  I really like and agree with Sherri's last post about summer jobs.  If your teen can't find a paying position, doing volunteer work can be a very positive experience which can lead to opportunities as well. 

We like to make a list of all the fun things we would like to do over the summer as well as goals we have for the summer.  Everyone in the family participates in making his/her own "list"; then we share these with each other and look for common goals and fun times.  Deciding on some things to do together as a family can  be a positive experience - and everybody looks forward to those outings.  We inspire each other about goals we want to accomplish over the summer.

Have a talk with your teen about vacation and work.  Helping him plan his summer can be a good experience for you both.

Dr. Debra

THE BUDGET DEFICIT: HOW TO TEACH YOUR KIDS ABOUT MONEY

We see headlines on a regular basis informing us of the huge budget deficit our country faces.  The amount of debt is staggering.  How do we even explain this to our teens when it is hard for us to understand it?  The first step is to go back to basics and try to understand how one gets in debt.

Help your teen understand the importance of living within your budget.  A common mistake many people make - and our country has made - is to live on credit.  Developing a budget involves understanding costs, anticipating future needs, and preparing for those needs.  You might be surprised at how little your teen understands about the basic cost of his everyday needs.

Start a budget with your teen related to his immediate needs.  This is a good way to help him never have his own personal budget deficit in the future.

Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend spend some time with your teen talking about the end of school and the approach of summer.  Ask your teen what he would like to do this summer for fun and for work - whether volunteer or employed.  Ask your teen to set a deadline for when he will make inquiries into some work.  And talk with him about the positive benefits of working this summer. 

Helping your teen start planning for summer now will help him make the most of his summer.

Dr. Debra

 

 

NEW BEGINNINGS FOR YOUR TEEN

Every teen I know believes that he has done soething in his life that seems irreversible.  Being able to change behaviors and develop a new beginning is imoprtant.   But teens get stuck sometimes in their belief that a new beginning might not be possible for them.

How do you handle behaviors that you do not see as positive in your life?  Do you believe in backing up, reevaluating what happened, and deliberately choosing a different way to deal with that issue?  If so, great, you already know what to do and what help to get.  If not, then you need to think about how you handle issues in which you need to make a change

The best way to teach your teen about new beginnings is for him to see how you handle mistakes you make and start new beginnings.  Another good way for your teen to learn about this is to give him examples who did have new beginnings.

Good luck!

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have talked a lot about the dance we do with our teens in interactions.  And we have thought about how we need to help our teen reevaluate their New Year's resolutions.  So your challenge for the weekend is to notice how you interact with your teen - and take a moment to talk about taking another look at resolutions. 

But whatever you do, catch yourself having fun with your teen this weekend!

Dr. Debra

Spring Celebrations and Resolutions

Tomorrow is the first day of Spring.  This season can mean many things for your family.  Some families see this as a time to celebrate winter ending and warmer weather coming.  Other families see Spring as a time to clean the house and prepare for the wrap-up of the school year. 

Spring can be a great time to celebrate with the family.  Easter is a Christian holiday associated with Spring; other religious faiths have holidays associated with this time as well.   A positive tradition can be to celebrate together the beginning of the season, whether you are having a time of spiritual celebration or celebrating the onset of warmer weather.  Scheduling a consistent time for celebration as a new family tradition can be very positive for your family.

I think the onset of Spring can be a good time to revisit your New Year's resolutions as well.  Most New Year's resolutions are made and then broken within a month.  Revisiting the resolutions can be helpful to decide what is reasonable and what is not reasonable at this time.   This might be a time for the family to set a resolution for the remainder of the year.

Happy Spring!

Dr. Debra

 

 

Spring Break and Your Teen

Spring break is upon us this week.  For many teens, this means hanging out at home with friends.  For other teens, this might mean travelling on a family vacation or school trip. 

Everyone needs a break - and spring break can be such a valuable time for your teen.  Getting a break from study and being able to sleep in are at the top of every teen's list.  Encourage your teen to take time to rest and spend time with friends having fun.  Time for play is important.

So is time spent with family.  Use this time to take the opportunity to see how your teen is thinking about the rest of the school year.  Help him prepare for deadlines he might be facing when he returns to school. 

For those of you who have seniors in your home, this might be the last spring break that you spend some time with your teen.  Make the most of it!

Dr. Debra

Family Weekend Challenge: Spring Break Week

Next week is spring break for many schools.  You probably have plans for your teen and family for spring break.  If you do - great. Be on the lookout for opportunities to talk with your teen about how other people feel.  Discussing the recent tragedy in Japan with the tsunami might be a way to discuss thinking about other people.  If you don't have spring break plans, make some with your teen.

Dr. Debra