Parenting with All the Pieces

Teaching Empathy: Changing "Generation Me"

Reading Sherri's blog about "Generation Me" has caused me to think.  How do we go about helping this generation shift their thinking away from "It is all about me?"  All of us know adults who are narcissistic, who take the position that everything is about them.  And those adults as a group do not have happy relationships with others and in general are unhappy people.  Somewhere during healthy adult development, one realizes that true happiness comes from giving not taking.  Narcissistic adults never reach this stage of development.

One major difference between teenagers and adults is that teenagers are in the process of developing their identity and character. So teenagers can be taught ways of relating more easily than adults. How do we help our teens change their viewpoint that "it is all about me?" 

I believe that helping teens develop empathy - understanding how another person feels - is one of the best ways of changing the self-centered mindset of Generation Me.  How to you teach empathy?  Watching television shows and movies with your teen and pointing out incidents in which a person feels sad or angry because of something that has happened can be helpful.  This is a good time to hit the pause button and ask your teen to identify what the hurt person is feeling - and why that may be.  Bringing the example close to home by asking your teen if he has ever felt that way can reinforce empathy by helping your teen generalize how he feels to how another person may feel. 

One of the best exercises in helping your teen develop empathy is to take your teen to volunteer in some capacity.  Working at a foodbank or mission can help your teen not only develop empathy, but to also begin to see how he can help others. 

Helping your teen learn how to care about and help others is one of the biggest gifts you can give to him.  After all, would you deprive your teen of the enormous pleasure that a person receives from helping others? 

Dr. Debra

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This week we have talked about decision making and helping your teens with the thinking that is important with decision making.  This weekend, try to find something that you or your teen is doing that takes decision making.  Encourage your teen to talk with you about how he or she would make a decision about that topic and have them talk you through their thinking process. 

Dr. Debra

 

Modelling Relationships for Your Teen

Do our teens listen to what we say?  Sometimes.  Do our teens notice what we do.  In one word - yes.  Believe it or not, your teen can probably tell you more about how you relate to others than you realize.  And they base their own relationships on how they see you behave in your relationships.

I think this goes back to the old adage of "Do what I say not what I do."  But in the case of teaching your teen how to have healthy relationships, the thought should be "Listen to what I say and do what I do."  We need to be consistent in behaving in a thoughtful, kind manner in our relationships with peers and significant others.  Your teen will hopefully behave the same way in his relationships. 

I don't know about you, but the fact that my teen is watching will make me think twice about my interactions!

Dr. Debra

Driving and your Teen

Learning to drive is an important event in a teen's life.  Your teen is excited and perhaps a little anxious about going through this process.  Parents struggle with mixed feelings - some excitement also but apprehension and fear about what can happen to our teen who is driving.

Everyone is excited about developing more independence.  Many parents feel some relief at not having to chaffeur their teen everywhere; with those feelings some fear about what may happen during driving time can emerge. 

Motor vehicle accidents are the leading cause of death in teenagers.  This is probably the greatest fear any of us have - that our teen can be in an accident and potentially a fatal accident.  So how do we cope with this as parents who want to help our teen?

We begin by making sure our teen gets a good driving education.  Parent taught classes can be helpful, as can driving schools.  However your teen is educated, make sure tht he has a lot of supervised time behind the wheel once he obtains his permit.  The more supervised time, the better.  Studies have shown that teens who have a significant amount of supervised driving time have less chance of having an accident.  Other ways we can help our teen is by exhibiting good driving behavior when they are in the car with us.  After all< how can we expect them to drive safely if they see us speeding or running red lights?  Talk with your teen about common driving experiences which may be stressful and how you would handle those situations.

Teaching your teen how to be responsible with driving increases his autonomy but also prepares him for coping with more complex situations.

Good luck!

Dr. Debra

Arguments and the Holidays

Do people in your family have arguments over the holiday season?  If so, you are one of many.  Why do arguments occur at this time of year - isn't everything "magical" during this season?  I think the expectation for everything to be special can often lead to arguments.  People set their expections to be at a very high level for everyone in the family.  Teens can often feel the tension and can react in an irritable manner which can worsen arguments.

So what are the arguments usually about during holiday time?  How much time you spend and with which family members can be a dilemma. What holiday events are the ones people want to attend - conflict can occur when different family members have different expectations as to who will accompany them to office parties, etc.  And for the teen - how much time does he get to spend with his friends?  So time becomes a major factor during this time of year. 

Another topic of argument can be who does what chores - chores increase with Christmas decorating, cookie baking, gift wrapping, cooking for open houses or school activities.  Who has time to add in those chores?  This is often the time of year that your teen says "I have so much school work to do there is no way I can help with anything else." 

I think it all goes back to expectations.  What does your teen expect from the holidays and his family?  And what does the family expect from the holidays and your teen?  I think as parents we have to be clear about what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.  For example, some family time needs to be special and protected - but perhaps we can compromise on how much time we allow our teen to have with peers versus family.

After all, the most important expectation is that family members remember the reason for the season - and have some fun with each other during this time.

Dr. Debra

 

Anticipation for the Holidays

Thanksgiving is one week from tomorrow.  Teens are getting excited about being out of school for a few days - some teens are out the entire week; some teens are out two days for a four-day weekend.  Either way, your teen is anticipating the pleasure of being out of class! 

Do you think your teen is excited about having Thanksgiving dinner with the family?  Perhaps.  Probably the atmosphere of prior family dinners is impacting your teen.  Reading Sherri's blog helped me have the image of a pleasant calm family interaction.  Does that happen at your house over the holidays? 

Would you like to have your teen anticipate more than just missing a few days of school?  Or catching the latest Harry Potter movie?  Would you like for your teen to have enthusiasm about spending time with the family?  Is that thought for you almost as much a fantasy as the Harry Potter movie?!

I believe that you can work with your teen to develop some things he or she will look forward to at Thanksgiving.  Talk about some activities she might like - a game that the family has played before, a special holiday movie that you have in your DVD archives, preparing a favorite food together.  Ask your teens for ideas - you might be pleasantly surprised by the ideas he generates!

Who knows, you might have anticipation about one of the ideas you and your teen decide to pursue!  And anticipation is one of the exciting elements of this time of year.

Dr. Debra

 

Remembering 9/11 with your Teen

Today marks the ninth anniversary of the horrific tragedy which occurred in New York City and the Pentagon.  I bet all of us remember where we were when we heard about the planes hitting the twin towers.  The images we witnessed in the media are burned into our memories forever.  And I still feel the pain for all those who lost loved ones - the lives which were extinguished much too early.  The impact on our country still reverberates across time.

How do our teens remember that time?  My teen was in kindergarten that day; I had dropped her at school and was driving to work when I heard the radio report.  I stopped my car to listen, then called her school.  The school was going to conduct business as usual, and they have a safety plan in event of emergency; also the school was some distance from the center of the city.  I decided school was a safe place that day.  The lower school children were not told about the tragedy; the older children were brought into the auditorium and told by the school.

That being said... my child has no memory of 9/11.  I purposefully did not let her watch the news because I was concerned about her developing anxiety.  Over the years, she has learned about 9/11 from me, other family members, and school where they have studied the events.

But today I decided she was old enough to talk about what 9/11 meant emotionally to Americans and how this has impacted so many families and continues to have impact today.  I recounted to her my own experience from that day and the experiences of others I know who were in New York - one woman who escaped from the building.  And the experiences of others I know  of those who lost loved ones. And the extreme bravery exhibited by many of Americans that day.  And I talked to her about airspace being shut down and the prevailing fear in America. 

My teen was able to talk about all of this and she asked great questions.  This opened the door to a broader discussion of how one reacts in a crisis.  I found this interaction to be a positive one for her -  and I was impressed by her ability to show empathy for all involved.

I would like to encourage you to talk with your teen about your memories of this day.  You may find this to be an opportunity to help your teen develop critical thinking about events and ways to respond.  We never know when he or she may need them.

I write this in remembrance of all those who lost their lives that day.  I write this in remembrance of the brave acts we all saw from our countrymen.  Let us make sure our adolescents know.

From the heart,

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

Adolescence: Preparation for Adulthood

Sherri posted a blog about delayed adulthood in May.  After reading her newest posting about " beginning with the end in mind" I started thinking about that process with teens.

Let's face it parents, once your child has become a teenager he has crossed that boundary into the borderland abutting adulthood.  We get so focused on our fears of what he/she will encounter in that new country - peer pressure, sex, drugs, bullying - that I think we lose focus of the final destination for our teen:  competent adulthood.

Crossing that gap takes time - about five years for most.  Our job during that time is to help him/her navigate all the potential dangers that could occur.  An equally important part of our job is to help our teen develop skills which will help him deal with being an adult.  Communication with our teen is the foundation for both, helping avoid the pitfalls and preparing to be independent.

I find that parents who focus on the fears of what could happen versus teaching problem-solving skills (or critical thinking) inadvertently make their teen anxious and potentially keep him/her from being able to make that transition into adulthood. 

Having discussions with your teen about the future - in a relaxed, nonstressed manner - around daily activities is often the best way to get him or her thinking about these matters.  One example might be as follows:  talk about living away from home at college.  Ask your teen to describe how the day might go - and what types of things he/she needs to be able to do to be independent in college.  This could lead to a broader discussion about independence in general and how one prepares to be truly independent. 

Try to make any discussion as relaxed as you can - bring humor into the situation.  Your teen will learn a valuable way of looking at potentially anxiety-provoling situations.  And being able to cope with anxiety about the future with awareness and  pro-active planning is one of the best gifts you can give your teen.

Meanwhile, keep thinking about that final destination:  competent adulthood for your teen.

 

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

 

Transition Time

Do you have any teens going to college?  What a major change for everyone!

By now your teen knows where he is going to school and is probably packing his bags.  You are making plans to take him to school.  Do you ever ask yourself how this happened so quickly?

This is a very important time to talk to your teen - you have had years of talking to him or her about life, but now he is venturing forth and reviewing some of your previous discussions could be helpful.  Think about writing down some goals for yourself during the next six months and ask your teen to do the same.  Plan on reviewing these goals at semester end.  You might be surprised - this could help focus for both of you.

Having a time to touch base each week is important - set a time to talk at least weekly.  At the beginning of the semester, you might want to touch base briefly twice a week while he/she is transitioning into college life.

Most importantly, make sure he or she knows that you will always be available to him/her and no question is a silly question.  That includes struggles with laundry!

Good luck!

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.

School Transitions into Summer

School is about to be over for the summer.  Teens everywhere are already "checked out" from school.  How will their summer break go for them?

As parents of teens, having a checklist for those "checked out" teens can help the summer be a positive time for them and you.

1. Help your teen finish his school year on a positive note.  Encourage him to organize and study for finals and turn in remaining homework and projects.  One way to help is to plan something fun to do when school is finished for him to look forward to doing. 

2.  Think with your teen about what activities would help him most this summer in terms of his goals.  A job can be helpful not only to earn money, but to build a resume for further education or for more jobs.  A summer camp in an area of interest - such as the theatre, music, or science can be helpful in strengthening academics or areas of interest. 

3.  Physical activity is a must for summer!  Exercise is helpful not only for health, but also helpful for any sports your teen might engage in when school returns.

4.  And don't forget about FUN - plan fun activities that you can do as a family - and include your teen in the planning.  Picnics, visiting nearby parks, attending summer concerts or other events in your community can be fun for everyone.

Have a great summer!

Debra Atkisson Kowalski, M.D.