Parenting with All the Pieces

Holiday Time is Here!

In a few weeks your teens will be out of school and ready to celebrate the holidays.  The reality is that many of our teens are "checking out" now from school due to holiday excitement.  How do we help them stay focused and also enjoy this time of year?

Help your teens by talking to them about a schedule for the next few weeks while they finish school assignments and study for mid-term exams.  Make sure they have something fun to look forward to each week - which will help them do the school-related tasks they need to do.  One way to keep them on track is to spend a few minutes each evening talking about upcoming holiday plans and reminding your teen that he/she will have free time soon.

Be sure to plan at least one fun event for your teen - watching holidays movies with friends and eating popcorn counts as a very positive fun event.  Be creative - and ask your teen for ideas.

And enjoy the season!

Dr. Debra

 

 

PICKING COLLEGES

I find many families are in the throes of looking at colleges. Either their teen is a high school junior or a senior or they are choosing from the places where they have been accepted. Either way; this is a big decision to be made by the teenagers. Sort of scary isn't it. Too often I talk with college students that didn't make it at their first college. At times the choice of college was what the parents wanted. This is what I think parents need to tell their kids about college choices:

1. This is the amount of money we have available to help with college. Or this is what we will pay for. Parents are not obligated to put themselves into debt to pay for college. If your teen understands this up front they can make a more informed decision about the schools they choose to investigate.
2. Parents can help the teen investigate the kinds of information they need to make an informed choice. But this is if the teen wants the help.
3. When a teen selects a college 1500 miles from home parents can support that decision but make sure they understand the ramifications of visiting from that distance.
4. When we feel a teen is making a decision based on factors like that is where my boyfriend is going parents should express their concerns if they have them.

As they narrow down the choices it is nice when they will discuss with you their thought about particular schools. If your teen is incredibly shy and tends to isolate you may want to discuss their expectations about building a social network in the schools they are looking at. This holds true for anything that might be a deal breaker for your teen and a particular school.

They may not know what they want to major in and that is perfectly alright. They will grow and have new experiences in college that will help direct those decisions. But if they are fairly set on engineering for example and hate writing and literature you could discuss the pros and cons of a liberal arts program vs. a more technical school. These discussions are just to help them think through their own decision.

This is a very exciting and scary time for them and an exciting and "griefish" time for us. This is the time parents need to serve as the consultant and not the decision maker. Good luck and I hope it goes well. Sherri

WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE YOUNGER GENERATION?

Today I listened to most of or all of a NPR show on the Millennia generation. I have looked at this before but was impressed about the new take on the issues prevalent with this generation. I have tended to see the theory that this is a very narcissistic generation and the future looked very bleak. This report talked about the trauma they have experienced in their life time with 9-11 and Columbine. They have known 2 wars and an economic collapse. We may need a new template to look at how they see the future and their part in it. It is not uncommon for me to hear a young adult tell me I was promised a job if I went to college and did well. I tell them this was not really a promise. I have been thinking about this and I think I thought that when I graduated from college. I was a sociology and anthropology major and thought I was "promised a job". I did get a job just not the one I had hoped for whatever that was. I believe I thought that also. Today there are no promises but we still tell kids go to college so you can get a good job but then we can't deliver. So this generation may need more guidance and understanding and maybe we need to be more open to the template that is their life. Just thoughts. Sherri

WHEN PARENTS ARE STRUGGLING

There are times in our life when things are going poorly. This could be a financial issue, work related, marital stress, a health issue, or a host of many other things. In our role of parenting this requires special handling. Usually, our children do not need to know the details of our struggle. They may see us crying, or hear parents fighting. It is reasonable to let them know that even moms and dads have difficult days at times. You might relate it to a struggle they have had with a peer or sibling. You should reassure them that they are safe and you have the tools to work it out. If this is a very difficult and long term issue they could benefit from professional counseling. All of this being said; kids are usually resilient and when they see us overcome a difficulty they learn that handling something and moving on is possible for them in their lives too. I wish for you pleasant times but this is for those difficult times that invariably come. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND SELF-WORTH

I see many teens in my practice. I find that usually I have to spend part of my time with each one boosting their self-worth. Even though they may appear to be arrogant or self-absorbed; they are frequently not as confident under the surface. I find one simple solution is to provide them with lots and lots of positives. Positive comments need to be authentic and specific. We probably need to be doing this with everyone in our lives we find important to us but especially with our children. There are other things that make a difference. Pay attention to the activities that they do well. Not because you want them to be successful in that activity but they excel and they seem to love it. Give them support and encouragement in those activities. It is important for you to be a good role model. Make sure you don't practice negative self-talk. Don't put yourself down. Encourage positive relationships and their involvement in those relationships. Just make sure you are not trying to put your agenda on your teen. You may have a teen with good self-worth but if not try a few things to help this. Sherri

CHILDREN AND DIVORCE

When a marriage cannot be repaired there are times when divorce in imminent. Whether we are looking at small children or teenagers divorce is stressful for the kids. First of all, kids of whatever age need to know what will happen to them. Where will I live, when will I see each parent. What about holidays and my birthday. How will I get money for college? This is not selfish on the part of the children but simply practical. Children do not need to know that reason for the divorce. Parents should never, never use kids as a sounding board. Children will handle divorce as well as parents do. This means that if parents fight a great deal during this process it will be upsetting to the kids. They need to be able to see both parents just about us much as they want. Certainly it goes without saying that this does not apply when the divorce is a result of any type of abuse of the child. When adults take actions to have a child whether planned or not there is a responsibility to be the guides for that child. This does not change when there is a divorce. If you are struggling in your marriage I hope it can be worked out but if not remember the responsibility you have to your children. Sherri

TRUST AND YOUR TEENAGER

Since I work with teenagers and their families we are frequently looking at issues related to trust. Parents need to be able to trust their teenagers and this is likely an ongoing process. It is also not a straight line. There are peaks and valleys. As the parents we need to not get to the place where we say "I will never trust you again" or the often used "I cannot trust you until you are 30". When there is a violation of trust we need to put in place a "plan" to rebuild that trust. That means you may have to be watching and checking up on until the trust seems to be rebuilt. Also, know that as your teenager develops there will be another occasion to rebuild the trust again. As we are building, loosing and rebuilding this trust they are building trust with us. They need to trust us to be the adults. They need to know we are there to guide them in the process of becoming adults. They need to trust we will not overreact. Yeah, really try to not overreact. Believe me the job is not done when they turn 13 – 16 – 18; you pick the age. Sherri

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER DISAPPOINTS YOU

It is not uncommon to hear parents talk to me about feeling disappointed about something their teenager has done. This can be about grades, a decision they have made or many other things. Sometimes the "thing" is really big and sometimes it just feels really big. Either way it is something that needs to be discussed. We often have to remind ourselves about adolescence. Teenagers don't usually do something just to disappoint parents. However, it may feel like that at times. The decision making process is just not finished yet and they make decisions that are not thought out well. They can be very impulsive and act without really thinking. Now, there are times when they are not setting out to disappoint us but they are rebelling and they often direct that at whatever they think might "get" to us. They don't really think that out so well but that is still the agenda. In those instances our best defense is to not over react. The calmer we are the more they lose the power of their action.

Whatever the agenda we need to say calm and discuss the incident with them. When they are not ready to talk take a break and then try again.

Good Luck Sherri

TRUST BETWEEN TEENS AND PARENTS

I see a number of teenagers and their families. I think trust becomes a very big issue. Of course there is the usual of being able to trust your kid. But trust is bigger than that. I think the relationship that needs to be developed is one where each can trust the other's reactions. Teenagers need to know that their parents will not "go ballistic" when they mess up. They need to understand that their parents have their back. Not, no matter what, but that when they are wronged they are there for them without taking over and when they are wrong that they will hold their feet to the fire without demeaning them. They need to know that parents will listen and try to understand. They need to know that their opinion matters even when parents disagree. However, families are not a democracy. Parents are in charge. Parents need to trust that their teenagers will talk to them even if it is not always as soon as they need to. But if something bad happens they will talk to them even if it means they might get" in trouble". I have seen so many teenagers, especially girls where something bad has happened like rape or sexual abuse and they don't tell their parents.

If you don't have this trust at this time it is not too late to begin. Start listening. Remember to not overreact, even if you have to leave the room to calm down. Teenagers are not yet adults and they do not have all the skills in problem solving and responding that they will acquire in a few years. It would take long to begin to see changes.

Sherri

ANGRY TEENAGERS IN ANGRY HOMES

Sometimes I am inclined to post about thoughts that get triggered by events in my office. This week I have seen more than one family presenting with a teenager who has anger management issues at home. This can be a significant issues in families but it is more complicated in cases like these where one parent (or in some cases both parents) also have an anger management issues at home. I feel I have no credibility with a teenager when I discuss managing their feeling of anger better when there is a parent that does not. When you go to work most people understand there is a certain level of behavior that is required and beyond that is unacceptable. I believe we need to develop the same standards for home life.

Anger is a normal feeling; we all get feelings of anger. We just don't get to do whatever we want because we are angry. We are the role models for most of our children's behaviors as they grow into adulthood. If we want our children to handle these emotions better we must also demonstrate better handling of emotions. It is alright to talk about this in the family. You can make decisions about ways to handle this that can change these patterns.

If this is your issue, good luck it can be done. Sherri

LIFE AS WE KNOW IT IN 2013

I must confess I have taken a little unscheduled break from blogging. I guess I just got into the hubbub of the holidays and neglected this blog. I am back to the real world now. So how did your adolescents survive the holidays? We recently took down the holiday decoration in my house. I always have mixed feeling; hating to see them gone and being grateful that life gets back to normal. I think that is true for all of us just in our lives and finding the end to the holidays. Our kids are getting back to school and life is returning to normal. Is this a smooth transition in your family or are there bumps in the road. For the tens that look forward to a return to school this should be smooth. For others it is not always the case. If this is a bumpy ride try to have conversations with your teen. As always please don't do all the talking. Listen more that you talk. Find out what the stressors about returning to school might be and see if they want any help getting over the hump. Have a great 2013. Sherri

IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS

Wow it's December 18, 2012 and we are almost to Christmas. It seems that things are so busy that we don't take time to enjoy our families. I hear families tell me that they have so many things to go to for themselves and performances for their children that they feel overwhelmed. Thanksgiving seems to be extended family time. Christmas, traditionally for most Americans is about nuclear family. With our busy lives this is a time to reconnect with our kids. Whatever your plans for the holiday, delineate some time for playing family games, going to do something together, cooking together, and just spending time without other interferences. Enjoy your children and have fun. Sherri

ADDRESSING THE ISSUE OF A SCHOOL SHOOTING

I heard President Obama say we need to put our political issues behind us and figure out how to solve this problem. I really hope this is something we can try to do. So far we have been unable to do this on any other issue. Today on the View I heard a guest say this is not about gun control. We need armed guards in the schools and hospitalize the mentally ill for longer periods. I understand that a school district in Texas is now going to allow teachers to carry concealed hand guns to school. I find that disturbing on so many fronts. We do not need a shoot from the hip approach.

I do not claim to be smart enough to know how to solve this problem. I do know that to solve a really difficult problem we need to gather a group that can put their own issues aside and address all the ramifications of these shootings. We now have a lot of information about school shootings. What are the aspects of mental illness and how could that have been addressed better or could it have been. How does school bullying play into this. Do you know that when a child is bullied in school if anything is done and usually it is not it is the child who is bullied that is sent to therapy? I want that child sent to therapy but why is it that the bully is not sent to therapy? What role does the news media play in these shootings? How do guns play into this?

Before this becomes a distant memory encourage your leaders to encourage a comprehensive approach to this issue. Support the conditions that offer changes that include a method to evaluate how well this is working. I would love to see this country pull together on something and this would be a great place to start. Sherri

ADOLESENCE AFFLICTED WITH ADOLESENCE

If we thought about having teenagers when we get pregnant the human race would be on the endangered species list. At their worse teenagers can be cruel and demeaning to their parents. This is a part of them pushing you away so they can assert their independence. As parents this happens at the time we are getting used to the fact that our days with them are numbered. It is difficult to not get your feeling hurt with all of this.

Don't go crazy. It really won't help. Stay calm, set boundaries, and take care of yourself. This will pass and most of what they are yelling at you is not how they feel. The take care of yourself is really important here. Talk to others. Get your rest and exercise. Please don't get into the power struggle. This is a very difficult time and you will need to summon all your resources.

Good luck. Sherri

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TEXTS

This morning on NPR I heard a story about a new app that will eliminate a text in seconds or up to 6 days. I had mixed feelings about this. On one hand this eliminates those texts that could impact your future if the wrong person gets to read it. However, on the other hand it gives those that will cyber bully or sext free reign to do what the please with no threat of recrimination. Because of this I am wary about this app. Many parents of young teens check their text messages regularly and discover inappropriate texts which they then deal with. This seems to me to present a problem. Currently this is a free app so any teen could download it. I would be interested in what you think. Sherri

DEFINING FAILURE

I heard an educator say once that if you're getting all A's the work is likely not difficult enough for you. In the course of learning something new there is a process. We do not reach this being part of our knowledge base until we have worked for it. It does not matter if we are talking about Physics, Home Ec or riding a bike. We are not supposed to be instant learners. It is only through "failure" that we grow. Especially when we are in school or "trying out" for something we think if we don't get an A or we did not get the part or whatever we failed.

We only fail when we fail to try or fail to do our work. Yes these other things feel like failures. In addition to telling our kids about times thing did not work out for us we need to tell them about times we tried but just didn't come out on top. The only real failure if not trying.

Sherri

MORE THOUGHTS ON TEENAGERS AND DECISION MAKING

I decided it would be prudent to talk about decision making just a bit more. As parents we have difficulty turning decision making over to our children because we want to protect them and we worry they will get hurt. As a result we tend to tell them what to do and not wait and listen to what they decide. At times teenagers will not make a decision because they know we will just step in anyway.

So as parents what things do you say. Here are a few lines to use:

• I trust that you will be able to figure this out.
• What do you think you should do here?
• Let me know what you decide and if you need help let me know.

When a decision has been made and has gone well here are some responses to use.

• You did a great job figuring this out
• You must feel proud of yourself.
• I knew you could do this.

When a decision has been made and it did not go so well here are a few responses:

• How do you feel about how this worked out?
• Would you have done anything differently?
• What is your next step?

Try not to forget that when we give them the space to make their own decisions we are preparing them to enter the adult world. They won't be perfect but neither are we.

Sherri

DECISION MAKING

As I do this work I become more and more convinced that we need to give our children more rope to make their own decisions. I raised a VERY strong will daughter. Everything was a power struggle with her. On a cold winter morning I was known to say to my daughters it is going to be cold today you should wear a coat. To which she would respond I don't have to wear a coat if I don't want to. I knew not to get into a power struggle with her but I must confess that was difficult to not argue with her about a coat. One day I simply said "Okay." That night a dinner she said "How can I decide for myself whether I need a coat or not." We discussed ways to know if it would be cold all day. From then on it was never an issue. She made her own decision. It seems that since it had stayed cold all day she had not been able to go outside for recess. I love it when natural consequences come into play.

Start with the small issues when they are young. If there is a foundation of making decisions they will be better equipped to make those big decisions that occur in adolescence. I am convinced that we make too many decisions for our teens. Experiment with trying this soon. When it is a decision that did not turn out well, process with them the outcome. Please resist the urge to say I told you so….. You want them to develop into good decision makers. This is not about you being right. Sherri

FACE TIME WITH YOUR TEENS

I was talking to a mother today and thought about today's teenagers; a common diversion for me these days. I worry that our teens are not developing self-reliance and a sense of direction about the outward world. I began to realize that we are actually spending more time with our children but it really amounts to less time. We take them to all their activities which is important for them to have the "right" data on their college applications. More and more meals are eaten in the car driving from one activity to another. We hover over them to make sure they are doing their homework whether they need us to do that or not.

The problem is that we are not necessarily having face time with our kids. Dr. Debra talks about a mother and daughter that were in her office seeing her and were texting each other during the entire appointment. Texting in not face time; even when you are sitting next to each other. Our children even teens need us to give of our time. We need to talk, play together and teach about life. Since we are seeing so many issues with teens in general today we need to spend this more focused time interacting with our kids.

The way I see this is that it is a win – win. Have a great Thanksgiving. Sherri

THANKSGIVING AND TEENS

As we approach Thanksgiving we have our own memories and traditions that we hold on to. We have expected family time, usually with extended family. That is something that goes very well in some families and goes very badly in others. For our children this can also be true. As I talk with teenagers in my office they tell me all kinds of things about their family Thanksgivings. For some they are looking forward to connecting to extended family. For others they are dreading the drama that is usually created. Help you teens talk about the holiday and find ways to enjoy it. Sherri

PHARM PARTIES

This morning I heard on the news that teenagers are having a resurgence of what is called Pharm Parties. For a Pharm Party the teens get pills out of their parents' medicine cabinet and take them to parties. They throw the pills into a big bowl and they pass the bowl and take a handful of pills. They don't necessarily know what they are taking. The concerns are obvious. They could be taking things that cannot be taken together and they could be overdosing.

If you are a parent of a teen that gets together often will friends or parties you need to keep an eye on your teen and monitor your medicine cabinet. It could be wise to lock up the meds where they are not accessible to anyone else. This is very dangerous. Don't panic, just be smart.

Sherri

WHEN YOUR TEENAGER MAKES YOU ANGRY

I think I will take a break from blogging about panic attacks today to talk about teens making us angry. Raising teenagers is not for the feign of heart. If anyone ever told you that raising teenagers would really be your favorite time of life they were lying. Teenagers are tough. They have their own issues of surviving the changes of adolescence, they are trying to grow up and leave, and they are attempting to develop an individual identity. All of these things pull together to make them at times your waking nightmare.

It makes me think about suiting up for battle. Not that a fight should ensue but that you must be ready for what is thrown at you. Teenagers will often push away from you and also they will push back. Things that worked once do not work so well now. As the parent it is important to not personalize what they say and do. You can require you be treated in a respectful manner but the pushing will still occur. The better you handle that the more you will all survive adolescence. I tell parents all the time. You need to be firm but keep your cool. When you just get angry you give your power away. I know some days it seems impossible but when you can do this you will have more success in the end. Sherri

SYMPTOMS OF TEENAGER’S PANIC ATTACKS

Teenagers' symptoms of panic attacks are fairly similar to those of adults. They do not always have the words to describe what is happening. They may experience a raid heart rate, have difficulty breathing feel as if they are choking, they may feel dizzy, and they may feel faint, sweaty or experience nausea among other things. These symptoms do not usually all occur at the same time. They usually come out of nowhere; without a trigger. However, sometimes there is a trigger. When a panic attack occurs your child may be afraid they are going to die or that they are going crazy. They may feel detached from their body. It seems to me that it is sort of like the fight or flight response got triggered without an actual trigger. This is truly very scary for both you and your child. They symptoms do not usually last very long and the teenager may be tired after it is over. Certainly you can take them to the ER to be evaluated when this happens. If this is an isolated event and it does not occur again you may not need to do anything. If panic attacks reoccur you need to seek profession help. I will continue to write about this is you have questions please ask them. Sherri

PANIC ATTACKS AND TEENS

This blog is in response to a comment by a reader about panic attacks indicating there is not enough attention given to the terrible incidents of panic attacks. We will write a bit about panic attacks in teenagers. This is an important subject because when a child or teenager has had one or some panic attacks they may start to avoid the situations that they think may have triggered a panic attack. Often since the symptoms are so scary they may be afraid that they are going crazy and they may be afraid to even tell an adult what has happened. Even when they do tell what has happened. It may increase isolation out of fear that this could occur again. Frequently an individual that has experienced a panic attack will assume it was caused by whatever event was happening at the time the attack occurred. Frequently this is not the case. When you find out this is happening with your teenager you do not need to panic. Simply ask them to tell you what occurred. Remaining calm will help. We will be addressing issues of how to deal with panic attacks in the next few blogs. Sherri

HURRICANE SANDY

It's difficult to hear the news about the north east and not wonder how people are coping. Having lived in the north east for a great deal of my life I knew about hurricanes but they never grew to this force. This has been just horrible. As you hear the reports it is a good time to talk with your children about disaster plans for your family. Every area of the country has some type of natural disaster and especially for teenagers that are often driving their own cars you need to have plans in place for what to do when one hits. Since I am in Texas we have mostly tornadoes and sometime ice storms. I remember one time when my daughter had just gotten her license and we had not discussed driving (or better) not driving on ice. I was in Dallas and she was at the high school in a play rehearsal. A freak ice storm came up, one we had not expected. When I got home I could not find her. I started to check with the peers she had been with. She eventually got home and had driven her friends home but at about 10 miles an hour. After that I understood the necessity of a plan in advance. Our thoughts and prayers are with those of you in the affected area. Sherri

HALLOWEEN

Halloween is this week. This can be such a fun time for young children. They get to dress up in costumes and "be someone else for a short period of time. I have found that this love of Halloween does not go away as they become teenagers. Many teenagers tell me Halloween is their favorite holiday. (I always find it interesting that Halloween is considered a holiday.) Some teenagers celebrate by going to haunted houses others watch scary movies and still others dress up and scare the small children as they trick or treat. Dressing up is fun no matter what the age and they seem to love it. It is certainly fine that your teens want to have fun on this "holiday". Just make sure they do not use this as an opportunity to make choices that will get them into a difficult decision making situation. Sherri

BEING FRUSTRATED WITH YOUR TEEN PART II

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about feeling frustrated with your teenagers. She gave very good information about how to handle this. If you haven't read it you should check it out. As I read her blog, thinking about the changes in adolescence and what a struggle this is for parents, I thought about the struggles the parents are having. As we are raising our children we don't think very often about how these changes impact us the parents. We enjoy the fun of this cute little child and we celebrate in their accomplishments; feeling proud. As they begin to break the barrier that is adolescence and as the distancing from us begins we are also going through changes. Our life will change as the child rearing years come to an end. We struggle with what is next. This does not mean this is a bad thing but a change all the same. As our teenagers change and are growing up sometimes we want them to be adults and act grown up and responsible. Other times they are our little baby and we dread their launching from home. For us the parents their emancipation means our relationship with them will change. As the mother of two adult daughters it does not mean that the relationship ends; it just changes. But in the throes of it we feel the loss. For our teens they have the entire world before them. For teenagers this is a new beginning for us it is a loss. This puts us in different places and we need to recognize the changes. It is important to talk about this so we don't take out our feeling on a teenager who is already a bit volatile at times. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND DRINKING

Some studies done by NIAAA (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism) have shown the following, 2012

Prevalence in 8th graders:

51.7% have tried alcohol

43.1% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

25.1% have been drunk

15.2% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

Prevalence in 10th graders:

70.6% have tried alcohol

63.7% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

48.9% have been drunk

25.6% have had 1 or more binge drinking episodes

1.9% have been daily drinking for at least 1 month at some point in their lives

Prevalence in 12th graders:

80% have tried alcohol

73.8% have had an alcoholic drink in the past year

62.3% have been drunk

30.8% binge drank in the past 2 weeks

3.6% use alcohol daily

Here are some statistics on drinking in adolescence. These figures do not include college drinking stats. I recently had a college student tell me that she could not give up drinking. "It just wasn't her." Having fun is equated with drinking in many instances. You can't "party" without alcohol. It is true and the above stats point out that not all teens are drinking and most are not drinking all the time. But for those that are this is a significant problem. Consensual sex, date rape and rape are more common when drinking is involved. Teenagers run the risk of addiction at this early age. There is also certainly the issue of driving under the influence.

I'm not telling you anything you don't know. My attention here is as parents what is your role? I believe that at an early age likely in early middle school you need to start talking to your teens about drinking; the dangers, risks etc. Don't make this a weekly thing but keep the lines of communication open. As you kids enter high school help them problem solve what to do when they find themselves at an event where there is drinking. Don't lecture but help them, problem solve. Tell them you will never condone drinking but if they drink they are to tell you. To many parents use the philosophy of don't ask don't tell. They are never to drink and drive or to get into a car with anyone that has had a drink. If they call you for a ride they won't be "in trouble". When my daughter was a teenager she seldom drank but as a senior she did on a few occasions and would tell me prior to the party that there would be drinking and what the plan was to be safe. She knew I did not condone drinking but I also needed to know.

The biggest issue I find concerning parents of teenagers that are drinking is that parents bury their head in the sand. Kids will tell me this is what I do to sneak into the house and my parents don't suspect I have been drinking. I don't think parents have to be hyper vigilant, just observant and keep the lines of communication open. It may have become a standard that kids will drink but I am unwilling to accept that standard and think as parents we need to do our part with our children to help change the tide.

Sherri

TEENAGERS WITH ANXIETY

Families and schools are not too bad at spotting when a teenager has depression. They are not so good at spotting when a teenager has anxiety. I'm not so sure we actually understand anxiety. Somehow I think we may equate anxiety with stress. They are two different things and should not be confused as the same. Anxiety can take many forms. Sometimes it is about worry. Sometimes it is about panic attacks. It may manifest as social anxiety. We see many teens with obsessive compulsive disorder. Phobias are a form of anxiety. Whenever I see a teenager that is putting off drivers ed I look at the possibility of anxiety. Parents are usually surprised when they learn their teen is a perfectionist and that is a form of anxiety. There does not have to be an event that triggers anxiety. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. With teenagers and children anxiety may manifest as anger. You may not have any idea what triggered a rage. Teens with anxiety will often avoid something if it is likely to cause anxiety. Teenagers will anxiety cannot pull themselves up by their bootstraps. (By the way if you think about it that is actually physically impossible.)

When a teenager has one or more forms of anxiety the life inside their skin is terrifying. It is not really in their control. Professional intervention is warranted at least for an evaluation to determine what is happening and if treatment is recommended. The teenager needs to know it is not their fault and this have not done anything wrong. They need to be helped to learn different tools to deal with what is happening so they have some ways to manage their anxiety. They should not be told that what they are worrying about is silly. They need to be listened to so they do not feel ignored.

If you may have a teen with anxiety do not hesitate about getting them the help they need so they can normalize their life.

Sherri

I HATE MY TEENAGER

I think that if parents thought about having teenagers instead of having babies the human race would be extinct. No one imagines how infuriating teenagers can become. Many parents get to a place at times where they just want to give that child up. I'm not exactly sure where they think they can do that but the feelings are very strong. I heard of a situation once where the parents wanted to give their 16 year old daughter $200 and a one way bus ticket to Las Vegas. How do we get to this point? This usually happens when the parents feel the child is out of control. Certainly when this is happening it may be warranted to seek some type of mental health services.

Too frequently a power imbalance has developed. And usually parents and the teenagers get into power struggles. A power struggle with a teenager is the kiss of death. I learned a long time ago that they are willing to fight to the death and I'm not. And besides, in truth no one actually wins. So you have to avoid the power struggle. This means as you see it ramping up you say "I will not fight with you about this." Then walk away. Stay away until you find the situation is calmer and you can return to discuss the issue. Walk away as many times as needed to resolve the issue. If the teenager continues to push their position tell them they can write a position paper to you about why their opinion should be the solution. When you get the position paper you can discuss it. In truth they seldom write the paper because they don't "win" from that stance. It takes their power away when you won't engage in the fight. This works in lots of situations.

Parents also reach this place when they feel their teenager is not practicing appropriate behaviors with peers. This can be sexual acting out, drugs and alcohol, ignoring curfew among others. This is still about power. You have to take the power back but you can't do it from a position of aggression. Use the same techniques as above. This will take some time but in the end it will be worth it. I hope you are not at this place but these things keep you ram getting to this place.

Sherri

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS - FACT OR FICTION

Last week I wrote about helping your teens find the facts regarding the election. I am finding it more and more difficult to know what to believe. IT can depend upon who is speaking; where the information is coming from. I know I can be behind the times but today Facebook is alive with rants about Christopher Columbus. I'm writing this on Monday so this is the day we have chosen to honor him. I knew he didn't actually "discover" America but it did not know about how he killed, enslaved, mutilated, and sold young girls into slavery so many indigenous people in the Bahamas. Today I understand the Knight of Columbus were looking for a Catholic hero for their youth and lobbied in the 1930s to honor this man. Hopefully, they did not understand this history. Do school children still learn the little ditty…"in fourteen hundred and ninety two Columbus sailed the ocean blue"? With this information why have we not taken this off the calendar as a national holiday?

There are so many of these dilemmas. There is no agreement about whether George Washington actually shopped down the cherry tree. I am worried that there are those that believe the Holocaust did not actually happen. There are so many things how do we decide what it true and what is not. Again we have resources due to the internet. These are things we can look up as a family and then discuss what is factual and what is not and why that may have happened. Also some stories are folk lore and we understand them to be so. This does not mean we have to eliminate them but understand them to be folk lore.

Doing this should help your teenagers become savvy consumers as well as more informed about issues and history. It also opens up many avenues of communication between you and your teenager.

Sherri

POLITICAL DEBATES 2012

I don't know how many of you are tired of listening to the pundits perseverate about the upcoming presidential debates. In this stressful political time there is so much in any form of media about the election it becomes difficult to keep an open mind and not want to just turn it all off. If you live in what these pundits term a swing state you are inundated with political ads. So in this turbulent time how do we help our teenagers develop a positive perspective on voting, the political process and democracy? It is so easy, at least at home, to rant about the other candidate and to get tied up in what "facts" the reporters choose to spin. A good family activity might be to research some of these "facts" to help your teenager see the entire picture. Remember you want them to develop their own opinion about what they feel is right. You want them to develop the skills to become a wise and informed voter when they are old enough to vote and with teens this is not far off. I remember my parent's frustration but patience with me when I choose a position different from what they believed. They allowed be to develop my own beliefs.

Sherri

SO YOUR CHILD IS THINKING ABOUT COLLEGE

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about teenagers making plans to go to college. I agree with her college does not mean you have to seek an Ivy League University. There are so many options. If you missed her blog please refer back to it. In keeping with this college theme I want to address something else.

As parents you need to determine what is reasonable for you as a family to contribute toward college. This should be determined before the decision of which college is made. If you really can't afford NYU don't put it on the table. There are scholarships available but not all kids will get or find scholarships or enough scholarships to pay for any college of their choosing. Some colleges provide more scholarships than others. You and your teen need to be well informed about this process.

This being said, then comes the difficult work of deciding which college and applying. These two tasks belong to your teenager. Taking college tours should be a family event. It helps when decisions are being made to have seen the schools together. It seems to me that most high schools are pretty good about letting teens know about college and keeping them apprised about the process. The teenager may need to be proactive. I knew of a teenager recently that was accepted to a big name state school. It came time to leave for school and she had not gone to registration or orientation and although the family thought they knew what benefits were available but they had not checked this out and in addition to not having registered for class she did not have her funding nailed down. This should not occur today. The parents might not have known but the teenager, when all her friends were registering etc. should have been checking into her own plans. When the decision is being made you and your teenager should be discussing this but the decision is the teenagers to make; this hold true for the choice of college and the classes to be taken. Colleges provide advisors to help guide the students and they are best equipped to determine what your teen needs to sign up for.

Hopefully you have been slowly turning decision making over to your teen for years but if not this is still one that they should be making. These are decisions about the rest of their life and it should be what is best for them not what is best for us. So, good luck. It is exciting (and a bit sad) to watch your teen go off to college but celebrate with them as they endorse this process.

Sherri

NUTURING GOOD CHARACTER IN YOUR TEENAGERS

After my blog yesterday on the Springtown corporal punishment incident I decided to write about how to help your children develop good character. I thought I first needed to see how good character is described. I think we all know what good character is but defining it is another thing. I decided to research this on the web. There were lots of answers but mostly too complicated and preachy. I saw one written by a student for a NHS application. I liked that one the best. The writer said among other things good character is "who we are when no one is looking." This of course precludes what we can get away with when no one is watching but you get the message. Good character is doing the right thing when you might be able to get away with less. It is doing it because it is what is true about you.

Like so much of parenting, what you role model to your children is the most important. Many years ago my mother and I were shopping for a winter coat. We were in a discount store. We found the jacket we liked. It did not have a price tag so my mother put a tag on the coat. We both knew the tag she put on was cheaper that the real price of the coat. We went to the cash register to pay. I was a bit nervous. You may not all remember the blackout of 1965 where 80, 000 square miles, 30 million people were without electricity for 12 hours. As we got ready to check out the electricity went out. We did not get the coat. They couldn't check us out. It is a memory I will never forget; I thought God had put the lights out because we knew what we were doing was wrong. This wasn't the only time God spoke to me in this way. In third grade I went home for lunch and before returning to school I stole a nickel from my mother's money and bought a candy bar which I ate on the way to school. When I got to school I fell and broke my arm. I know one event had nothing to do with the other but don't try to tell a kid that. Do I have good moral character? Not always but I continue to strive for that goal.

So I digress. The first job of parents is to model good character. Let you children just observe you making the good choices, even when the good choices are hard. You don't have to tell them. Children see everything even when we think they are not watching. It's not about how much you go to church or pray before meals but that helps. It is about the decisions and choices you make. If you are not sure your actions demonstrate the character you want to relay look at what you are doing and make changes.

When your children make a decision process the outcome with them. It does not matter if we are talking about how to spend play time or what to do about a bully at school. Let them make their decisions and then process with them how that went and how they felt about the outcome. You can also process with them beforehand. With statements like what will you do? How might that work out? What do you hope will happen? When they are unsettled with on outcome help them process what they might do to correct it or do differently the next time.

In the world we live in today there are not very many Mother Teresas. Our children see poor choices by movie stars, star athletes, political leaders, school teachers, clergy and the list goes on. In this world we need to discuss these incidents on the news when our children see them or come home talking about them. It is alright to say that everyone does not always make the good choices but our task is to make good choices as often as we can. But most especially, tell them that when we do not make a good choice and "get away with something" we should not feel proud or like we dodged a bullet.

Sherri

BUILDING CHARACTER THROUGH "SWATS"

Okay, so I think I'm going to get on my soap box today. This morning, on the local news, there was a story about a high school student in Texas that received corporal punishment (for those of you outside of Texas this is hit with a paddle) for helping her friend cheat on a test. . This was a good student who does not really get into trouble according to the report. The family had previously agreed this was to be the punishment of choice for their daughter, you read this correctly, a high school student. The issue the family presented was not that she was paddled but that it had been done by a male administrator.

So let's look at this. What was the lesson learned? If you cheat you get hit? I don't know but I'm thinking that if you cheat and you are a good student that a zero might make a bigger impact to a good student. There are certainly many options. I have never understood the popularity given to "swats". But someone once told me the line between the bottom and the brain dissolves by the age of 5. Of course, a female teenage should likely not be given "swats" by a male but isn't the bigger issue if "swats" should have been used at all.

Deciding whether or not to help your friend cheat on a test is about character. "Swats" do not build character. I wonder what this girl learned about cheating???? I think I'll focus on this some more. Maybe tomorrow I will blog about character building techniques. Sherri

THE OTHER SIDE – ATTACHMENT PARENTING

Thanks for reading yesterday. Today I want to address Attachment Parenting. WebMD in their article entitled What Is Attachment Parenting? lists the principles of this method of parenting.

The Eight Principles of Attachment Parenting

• Prepare for pregnancy, birth, and parenting. Proponents of attachment parenting believe it is important to eliminate negative thoughts and feelings about pregnancy. Doing so, they say, readies a parent for the emotionally demanding work of being a parent. Feed with love and respect. Breastfeeding, proponents say, is the ideal way to create a secure attachment. It also teaches infants that parents will listen to their cues and fulfill their needs.
• Respond with sensitivity. With attachment parenting, parents consider all expressions of emotions, including repeated tantrums, as real efforts at communication. Those efforts are to be taken seriously and understood rather than punished or dismissed.
• Use nurturing touch. Attachment parenting proponents advise maximum skin-to-skin touching. Ways to achieve that include joint baths and "baby-wearing" -- carrying babies during the day in a front-facing sling.
• Engage in nighttime parenting. Attachment parenting experts advise making "co-sleeping" arrangements. With co-sleeping, an infant sleeps in the same room with parents so they can feed and emotionally soothe the child during the night. Some parents practice "bed-sharing" or sleeping in the same bed with babies. It's thought that this creates an even more secure attachment. Precautions are advised, though, to help prevent sudden infant death syndrome, or SIDS.
• Provide constant, loving care. Proponents of attachment parenting advise the nearly constant presence of a parent. That includes during walks, parents' night out, and work. They advocate against childcare for more than 20 hours a week for babies younger than 30 months old.
• Practice positive discipline. Parents are advised to distract, redirect, and guide even the youngest of babies, and to model positive behavior. Attachment parenting aims at understanding what a child's negative behavior is communicating. And parents are encouraged to work out a solution together with a child, rather than spanking or simply imposing their will on children.
• Strive for balance in personal and family life. Parents are encouraged to create a support network, live a healthy lifestyle, and prevent parenting burn-out.

This morning there is more controversy on the news about the Time magazine photo of the Mom breastfeeding her 4 year old. There is a new cover for a different magazine, Pathways to Family Wellness. There are some really good concepts they propose. I believe in positive discipline. Those of you that have been reading this blog for a while know I believe that yelling at kids is like trying to steer a car by honking the horn. I believe we do not cherish children enough in this current society. My concern is that in the extreme this goes against so many cultural norms that there is a very strong reaction to all of this. Also, I wonder if the research will play out that these children become as independent and self-assured as they indicate. My worry is that this in the extreme could foster dependency and lower self-esteem because of not being placed in a situation that encourages independent decision making in a difficult situation.

So where do you line up. Let us know. Sherri

FREE RANGE PARENTING

What an interesting world we live in. For about a year now I have been hearing about Attachment Parenting. Recently I saw a news story about Free Range Parenting. These two styles of parenting are certainly opposite ends of the continuum. For today and tomorrow I want to write about each. In truth, neither of these has to do with raising teenagers but I found it interesting so thanks for indulging me.

As the free range parenting people say when we were kids we could take off on a Saturday (if our chores were done) and had to be back before dark. (Or some variation of the arrangement) They say that when children are more responsible for problem solving, they develop self-confidence. They say that when they are overscheduled they use computers, video games etc. to entertain them. They feel that as more and more parents were both working they provided scheduled activities for their children to have them supervised and to assuage their guilt for being gone. As a result our societal norms have changed to feeling that children even to older teenagers and young adults need parent supervision to be successful and safe. In these later cases we worry that our kids will not get things done unless we are in charge of it.

The proponents of this style of parenting do not believe in throwing their kids into the pool and it is sink or swim. They have guidelines they incorporate before giving their child increased freedom. WebMD in their article Free-Range Parenting It's a new, hands-off approach to raising kids. Should you give it a try? This article provides some guidelines for this decision process.

• Does my child have the disposition to handle the activity?
• Can he or she follow rules?
• Does my child know what to do in case there is a problem?
• Does my child know from whom it is safe to ask for help?
• Does my child have a sense of how to reach out to parents, use a phone, and distinguish between police officers and other people?

I see merits of this style of parenting but nothing is perfect. The WebMD article says actually he crime rate has gone down since the mid-90s and children are actually safer that in the 70s and 80s. For parents of latency age children this would be such a big jump this may be too unstructured to incorporate in to parenting.

Tomorrow we will discuss Attachment parenting. Think about this and let me know what you think. Sherri

INSULATING OUR CHILDREN FROM TRAUMA

It is such a dilemma in the world we live in today. How do we protect our children and still allow them to learn life lessons without allowing them to experience horrible trauma? Recently we have talked about bullying and all the aspects of the world of the internet. There are many things that our teens can experience that scare parents. And with good reason; by the same token we cannot make them bubble children that never face the "real world". I hear this dilemma in my office every day. Some parents don't protect enough and some too much. In every case parents are confused about what is best. I think about this a great deal. I have come to the conclusion that maybe our best protection is to make our children good decision makers from an early age. At the beginning there are certainly decisions they should not be allowed to make but as they grow and mature they need more and more ability to make their own decision. Not all decisions will turn out well but that is perfectly alright. We learn more from the unsuccessful decisions than from the successful ones. When we can trust their ability to make good decisions and also they usually do make good decisions – even when we may not agree with a decision; we can trust that they will make a good decision in a difficult situation. They need to make decisions about when to play and when to do school work. They need to decide whether or not to drink and how much. When we can trust they make the best decision for themselves we can breathe a sigh of relief and trust they will be alright. We can never prevent all possible disasters even with good decision makers. Just like there is nothing we or they can do to keep us always out of harm's way. Today is September 11^th. All those people that went to work that day or got into a plane were making the best decision they could make at the time. Sometimes horrible things happen and we grieve and eventually figure out how to put our lives back together. Work on decision making with your children. They will grow from the experience. Sherri

STAND AGAINST BULLYING

In Dallas CBS news aired a week long program "Take a Stand against Bullying". If you missed this you can go on line to see aspects of this programing. I'm pleased they did this and they did a good job. There has been an effort to teach kids how to respond in a manner to reduce the prospect of bullying. There is now a law to address the issues of bullying. I felt there is still a void in addressing the bullies and their parents directly. In the cases I am aware of when the bully's parents were contacted the bullying ended. Certainly there are situations where this will not be the result but a void in all of this is that most of the attention is on the child who is bullied. Don't misunderstand me they need a great deal of assistance. But doing therapy with many of these children I find it difficult to tell them how to get past this especially when there are few efforts to stop the bullying. We need to be addressing the bully and their families. Even if your child is not a target of a bully or you have no kids in schools the community should pull together to get this issue addressed and that means taking action about the children who bully. There are school shootings and suicides that can be traced back to bullying. In a society where we think we cherish children we need to not sit by and hope someone else will take action. Thank you for listening and please take action. Sherri

THE HOMEWORK DEBACLE

Now that school has started just about everywhere there is the dilemma about homework and the role of parents in homework. We all want our children to do their best. We all want our children to excel. So how do we decide what the boundaries are for teenagers and school work? We have learned that teenagers want to make more of their own decisions and actually do better if given some of that decision making ability. We also want them to be on track for developing responsibility for their own behavior. This being said I believe that we need to allow teenagers to manage their homework process and schedule at least until they have messed up. If that does happen we then need to discuss with them what happened and how they plan to correct their approach. The sooner we move to this approach the better. If it is early enough we don't have to get into the worry about how important high school GPAs are for college applications. There may be times when we give consequences for playing video games and defaulting on homework or things like that. Mostly we are trying to guide our teens into managing this themselves. Occasionally I see college students where the parents are still managing homework. As you can imagine this is a much more serious matter. Good luck. Sherri

POWER STRUGGLES

It seems today, in my office, I have been talking to parents about power struggles with their teenagers. I learned a long time ago to never engage in a power struggle with a teenager. They are willing to fight to the death and I am usually not willing to go there. Somehow as parents we feel as if we need to argue an issue no matter what. When your teen is attempting to engage you in a power struggle it is okay to not fight back. Simply say I'm not willing to have this fight with you. It does not mean you give in only that you will not fight. The parents are (or should be) in charge. If you find yourself in this situation try this and see what happens. Expect that at first they will fight harder because when you get down and dirty with them they get the power. Don't back down. Good Luck. Sherri

COLLEGE STUDENTS AND INDEPENDENCE

Recently I have seen a few college students that have not been successful in their first year of college and returned home. They seem to feel that they did not know how to take care of themselves. This seems like this might be true for most college freshman but not actually. These young adults could not manage the transition to college and had to leave. As parents we need to help our kids develop these independent skills. They need to adjust to that separation from parents and be able to make decisions for themselves. It is a lot easier to do this now while they are still under your wing than after they have had to leave college. If you are a parent of a teenager that is not separating encourage independent decision making. (even when you are not happy with the decision) Give them chores to do so they can manage their own stuff. They need a checking account. They need to be doing their own laundry. They need to be deciding how to balance everything they have in their life. A parents you are not abandoning them, you are giving them freedom to succeed. Sherri

TRUTH TELLING

Today on my way to work I was listening to the radio and the host was speaking to Dan Ariely the author of The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie To Everyone Especially Ourselves. I have not read his book yet but in the short time I was listening it became obvious that we tend to lie about things more than I would like to think. If we live in a world where lying and cheating exists how do we guide our children into the value of truth telling? Obviously, we need to be role models. We also need to have frank talks with our children about when they tell the truth and what might or might not be considered an expectable lie. How do you explain the "Do these pants make my butt look big?" Our children are like video recorders to our lives and they pick up on all the things we do. Kids tell me all the time what they know about their families that parents think they are hiding from them. Think about this if you would. What values do you want your teenager to ground themselves with concerning truth telling? Sherri

BUSINESS AS USUAL????

If you did not get to Dr. Debra's blog yesterday about shooting and teenagers please go back and read this very thoughtful blog. Our teenagers today have so many stresses on them. They have shootings to worry about, they have to worry about war, about school bullying, about college and life choices. On top of the usual stresses of being a teenager they have real life issues to occupy their minds. I know this has always been true but it seems the life issues are more severe today and the media attention keeps it in our faces. I think that with so many real life issues in their faces it would be possible to view serious issues or events as "business as usual". We don't want them to normalize tragedy so consider taking Dr. Debra's advice about talking to your teenagers about these things when they occur. Sherri

HOW DO WE RAISE GOLD MEDALISTS?

Obviously I do not feel we should raise a child to be a gold medalist but how do we raise our children in a manner that they have a sense of commitment and direction in their life. I see so many teenagers that have no hopes and dreams. They have no interests that they pursue. But worse I see so many young adults that don't work, do not go to college or are in college but have no idea what they are good at or what they might be interested in pursuing. I watching this as often as I do I think it relates back to guiding our teen into becoming good decision makers. Too often they have parents that are afraid to allow them to make their own decisions. Parents are afraid to allow them to learn by their mistakes or even to own their successes. They often have what Foster Cline called helicopter parents that control the decisions their teen makes and are afraid to turn thing over to them. These young adults have no drive of their own, are fearful they will let their parents down, are afraid they will fail, are afraid they will make the wrong decision (like there is only one right decision) among other things. As parents we should encourage our teens to try new things. We should celebrate success with them and be a good listener when they are unhappy with how a decision has worked out. We should tell them often that we believe in them. We should restrain ourselves from pushing them into a direction we think would be best for them. As parents it is difficult to watch them be unhappy or for things to not work out well. But the sooner we encourage the less the impact. Be brave enough to allow your child to fail.  Sherri

OLYMPIANS AND COMMITTMENT

I love to watch the Olympics. I love to see teenagers and young adults that have committed to their craft so well that they have reached this level of competing to be the best in the world. It is difficult to see the tears when they don't succeed and heartwarming to see the tears when the win. There are certainly examples of families that push that individual until they reach this level but mostly families sacrifice to reach this level. Mostly it is about the teenager making the commitment to become an expert at something they are good at and enjoy. I believe the 10,000 hour rule applies here. This rule says anyone can be an expert if they do something for 10,000 hours. I know that teenagers are not expected to do anything for 10,000 hours but I worry when I see so many teenagers and young adults that cannot make a commitment to anything. They do not have any interests, they do not have hopes and dreams for their future, and they are essentially lost. Tomorrow we will look at how parents can help with this. Sherri

TEENAGERS AND PORN

I really love getting to live in this age of technology even though my daughters tell me I have a computer gremlin that follows me and gets into all my electronics. Beyond that, there are some parts of our lives not enriched by technology. One of these is the access to pornography. Anyone can access a pornography site inadvertently. Once this has been done other sites pop up and are easily opened. Our kids can easily access those sites. All teenagers are curious about sexuality. When these site open up it is easy to explore and find out things about sex. Obviously some kids go looking for these sites but most simply fall into them. As a result the number of teenagers addicted to pron is rising. So what's wrong with this? Human sexuality is about intimacy and connection. Porn sites demonstrate sexual acts that are not consistent with the norms of society and they present the idea that sexuality is about the goal of organism not the process. They objectify both men and women. When our teenagers are looking at porn they are not learning the lessons we might wish them to learn. I see young adults that come in to see me because their partner is requesting sexual acts that have not been in their concept of mutually gratifying sexuality. I believe much of this develops with a teenage obsession with porn. As parents when you are checking your child's phone and computer you might look for porn sites and have conversations with you teen about this issue. Sherri

BULLIED AND ISOLATING TEENS NEED SAFE PEER GROUP ACTIVITIES

Nothing is more heart breaking than seeing isolating kids that want peer involvement and for a variety of reasons they can't find a place to fit in. Sometimes they are so damaged by bullying that they don't even try since they just believe they will be bullied again. Their ability to trust is so damaged. During adolescence peer involvement is crucial. Parents may say just call a friend to come over. Frequently there is no friend to call or they are too worried that they may not be able to find anyone or the "friend" will say no. It might be helpful to help you teen find a teenage organization; volunteer, church youth group, service, interest group like camera club, explorer troop etc. It is to be a place where they can experiment with finding ways to fit in. If it is an active group where they have things to do not just sit around and talk that would be better. You must do this with their approval and interest. Help them understand that this is a place to try out new social skills to find ways to fit in better. It would be better to know if it is a fairly closed group socially before they try it out. It is also okay to tell them to try a group a few times before they decide it won't work. If they are willing to try this might help. Good luck. Sherri

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLANGE

Yesterday Dr. Debra wrote about diversity and helping you teens develop understanding about differences. This weekend do something about diversity.  Watch a movie together; you can google movies about diversity and get a list, go to a museum of tolerence if it's available in your area  or somehting else that will stimulate a discussion.  Sherri    

HOW DO YOU INVOLVE THE SCHOOL WHEN YOU CHILD IS BEING BULLIED

I am seeing a teenager who is being bullied in her school system and has been for the past 4 years. Now that the school is opened for certain positions including counselors I contacted the school to speak to the school counselor. I am looking for the school counselor, the family and me to establish a plan to stop the bullying that is occurring to this child. It seemed that the position was vacant and there was no one for me to talk with so I was transferred to the registrar where I had to leave a message. I know families get this runaround when they have to address the issue of bullying with their child's school. As the parent know what strategies are open to you.

• Don't give up – be persistent but not hostile.
• Request a meeting
• Come prepared with a list of grievances
• Have suggestions for change
• Have specifics about the bullying that has occurred.
• If your school has a handbook which includes their policies on bullying make sure you have that information and have read it.

If your child is having this issue they need you to be their advocate. Just telling them to ignore the bully does not work. It has such a huge impact on that child's sense of self -worth they you need to get the school involved. Schools tend to try to ignore the issue of bullying. I always find it interesting that I frequently have the victims of bullying in my office but I have never had a teenager brought into therapy because they are the bully. I think this says it all. Sherri