Parenting with All the Pieces

SUMMERTIME AND FRIENDS

Summer is associated with fun and free time.  How does your teen spend his free time the in the summer?   Many teens do not have a completely carefree summer.  Jobs and studying for college admission exams may occupy a significant portion of your teen's time.

But summertime is an important time for your teen to learn about balancing his time with friends and social interactions.  Some teens unfortunately become more socially withdrawn over the summer months.  Then they struggle with having become socially isolated and have trouble fitting in with peers once school begins. 

Encourage your teen to spend time with friends.  Have your teens invite friends over to your home.  This will also help you get to know your teen's peer group.  And model social behavior for your teen.  It is important for your teen to see you as a person with friends too.

Dr. Debra

 

 

 

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

This weekend marks the midpoint of summer vacation for many teens.  They have had some time off school and have hopefully decompressed from school.  Spend some time with your teen this weekend doing something you both enjoy.  Watching sports, seeing a movie, cooking a meal together are all ideas of ways you can spend time.  Talk about what your teen wants to do for his remaining summertime.

Dr. Debra

Fourth of July Celebrations

Americans will be celebrating July Fourth, the birthday of our country, this week.  Many of us look forward to having a day off work.  Teens who are enjoying being out of school for summer see this as a holiday.   And this is a holiday that should be celebrated! 

Safety should come first in celebrating this holiday:  firewords can be unsafe if used in dry areas or teens are not well-supervised in their use.  Alcohol is often around during these holiday celebrations - and your teen may be celebrating with friends.  Be sure to talk to your teen about the risks of drinking and how to safely have fun.  Check with the parents of any friends who your teen is spending time with over the holiday to feel comfortable that no alcohol is served to teens. 

But with all the fun and celebrations, don't forget to spend a few minutes remembering with your teen what the birthday of America represents.  We Americans have a rich legacy of freedom which came at a high cost.  This Fourth of July all of us should spend some moments of remembrance of those who gave us our freedom.

Have a safe and happy Fourth of July.

Dr. Debra

Brave: Can a Disney movie impact your teen?

This weekend the Disney movie Brave opened.  Many parents took their young children to a new Disney movie and enjoyed the show.  Some teenagers attended the movie also, even though many teens did not see the movie since it is something that is they see as only entertaining to young children.

So does the movie Brave have anything to offer teens?  Absolutely!  This movie is focused on the relationship between a teen girl and her mother.  And the dynamics in the relationship could apply to any teen, male or female, and his or her parent. 

The movie shows how parents, even when very well-meaning, do not always actually listen to their teens and do not take into account that the teen is changing and becoming a young adult.  And the movie shows how the teen does not listen to the parent.  The consequences are very frightening to everyone.

But the lessons learned by both the teen and the parent help positive change occur in the relationship.

I hope you enjoy the movie!  And be sure to take your teen.

Dr. Debra

Teens, Self-Esteem, and Sex

Teens struggle with so many things - a changing body, changing peer relations, increased responsibility, trying to determine future goals.... the list goes on and on.  I think one thing that we often forget about with teens is how fragile their self-esteem can be.  Teens often feel that they need to be sexually active to "fit in with the crowd" and to feel better about themselves.

I remember Sherri telling me that a patient of hers, a 14 year old girl, told her that she wanted to have sex to "get it over with."  What a shocking thought!  But I think that this girl may see having sex as something she should be doing in order to feel good about herself and to feel that she is as good as all her peers.

Helping teens to see that their value is not related to doing what all their peers are doing can overall improve teens self-esteem.  Although behaviors can contribute to feelings we have about ourselves , for example, making good grades can make a teen begin to believe he is intelligent, behaviors do not make the person.  The person shows who he is through his behaviors.  The sooner we can help our teens see this, the sooner we can help them understand their value.  And I think that any teen who truly values him/herself will wait until he is more ready to be in a sexual relationship.

Dr. Debra

FUN, FRIENDS, AND SUMMERTIME

Summertime is important for teens to have time to decompress after the hectic school year.

Teens should have fun during this time and should spend time with friends in relaxing activities.  Many of these activities usually include listening to music, watching television, watching movies, eating together, attending concerts, going to parks, etc.  Your community may have a number of activities that your teens can enjoy, such as concerts in the Park, Shakespeare in the Park, summer concerts and exhibits, to name a few.  Help your teen find all the many offerings in your community and discuss ways he can involve his friends.

We have talked about social isolation.  Many teens with social isolation do not venture out into their communities, instead withdrawing into the virtual community they create on their computers.  Talk with your teen about how doing activities in the community is rewarding. 

And while you are talking about fun and friends, talk about something your teen would like to look back and remember when the summer is over. 

Have some fun yourself!  You deserve it.

Dr.Debra

 

 

 

SOCIAL ISOLATION, YOUR TEEN, AND SUMMER

Teens are usually very happy about the arrival of summertime and vacation away from school  But how does this impact the teen who struggles with social isolation?

A teen who does not have many social connections may escape into a virtual world of friendship in his computer.  Although this may help the teen not feel alone (which is important), this type of relating to others does not help social skills and can in fact lead to more social isolation.  A concerned parent should not take away all computer gaming, etc., but should limit the amount.

Summer provides a time to help your teen learn different ways to relate to others.  Volunteering helps your teen develop social skills while helping him to develop increased self-esteem because he is helping others.  Many forums for volunteering exist for teens in the summer.  Camps, child-care facilitiies, nursing homes, hospitals, missions, and churches are agencies that are usually looking for volunteers.  And your teen will meet others who are volunteering and may develop some positive relationships. 

Look at agencies in your areas that offer summer enrichment programs for teens also - your teen could benefit from taking a class himself.  He might not only learn something new or improve his skills, but he might meet some new positive friends as well.

As a parent, motivate and encourage your teen to look at summer enrichment and volunteering.  And be sure to get him to talk about what he might be interested in doing - that involves others in the real, not virtual, world.

Dr. Debra

 

 

TEACHING TRUST

As parents we have so many important things to teach our teens. One of these important topics is trust. Teaching our teens to trust others starts in toddlerhood. This is such an important developmental step - learning that there are people who care about you and you can trust them. Understanding this is essential for your teen to have healthy relationships with others throughout their lives. Once our teen has the ability to think through choices, he can see from past interactions that his parent has often made choices that are in his best interest. This understanding builds trust. When a parent has a disagreement with his teen, the foundation of trust can be so helpful in resolving the disagreement. So how do you as a parent continue to teach trust? Being a consultant to your teen about his life - talking him through difficult decisions but not telling him what to do - helps solidify trust. By doing this you are also teaching your teen that he can trust himself to make good choices - which is crucial in helping him become a young adult who feels competent. Dr. Debra

PARENTS AS MURDERERS?!

A very chilling story was released today about a 10 year old boy who had been starved to death by his father and stepmother. The father had been punishing the boy and had placed him on rations of water, bread, and milk. The boy's remains were found in a creek and identified. How might your teen react to reading or seeing a story about parents being the murderers of their child? Your teen will likely see this on the news. Asking him about his response could be very helpful. Take this opportunity to point out that these parents were obviously troubled and that evil can exist in different forms. I think that talking about this can reduce your teen's fears. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND SUMMER

Most teens will be out of school within a month.  We have talked before about how important it is to start thinking about how to help your teen finish the school year and plan for summer.  I think that having fun is a major priority for teens in the summer - and having fun is important.  But your teen needs to value fun with service, work, and preparation for future interests.  A job can be extremely important - your teen learns the importance of work and service through a job.  And this can be combined with exploring future interests - for example, working in a hospital in some capacity can help the teen learn about healthcare interests.

While helping with your teen's planning, do make sure that fun is added into the mix!

Dr. Debra

RULES FOR A HAPPY LIFE

I saw the title on the cover of a magazine recently "Rules for a Happy Life."  The article focused on health and wellness for adults both for their physical health and their relationships.  I started thinking about how we as parents try to help our teens prepare for adulthood and all the different things they will encounter as young adults.

What would the rules for a happy life be for teens?  Well, most teens would not like being given a list of rules for a happy life!  That being said, I think that there are some basic ideas we can impart to our teens during those times when we are talking with them.  Those "rules" might be something along these lines.

1.)  You always have someone who loves you and will help you even when you feel very stuck. So call that person - and as your parent, I hope you know that I am that person.

2.)  Asking for help means that you have courage and you want to make things better.  So don't be afraid to look at those things that you need to change instead of ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

3.)  Be honest with yourself about your strengths....and weaknesses.  Everyone has both.  When you find your strength, you can use it to decide who and what you want to become.  And understanding your weaknesses can help you become even stronger.

4.) Find work that you feel is important and that you love doing.

5.) Look for relationships with friends who support you in a positive way and who have positive values similar to yours.

6.)  Don't forget where you came from....and don't forget to keep looking forward to where you want to go.

Dr. Debra

 

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WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

This weekend enjoy the beautiful spring weather in your area with your teen.  Find a way to ask your teen about what he or she sees himself as doing for work after school is over.  Have him tell you why his ideas are good ones related to work, and ask him what he can be doing now to help prepare him for the work he would like to do later.

Dr Debra

TEENS, SCHOOL, AND WORK

 Teens have a tendency to get so busy with all of their activities that they frequently do not think about how to manage their time so that they can focus on school and also focus on working. 

How do we  help teens with finding the right balance.  I think the first emphasis that parents should make for their teens is that SCHOOL is their main job at this time.  The task for the teen is to learn and prepare himself for higher education or work after he has finished high school.  Teens who get off-balance with this may not complete high school.  I have known teens who were so focused on how much money they could make that they cut class or did not complete class assignments and as a consequence did not graduate on time.

Discuss with your teen that his primary occupation is obtaining an education.  But also talk to him about how education occurs in other areas of his life and working helps complete his education.  Encourage your teen to work, especially this summer, but also let him know that you are available to him to help find the balance between his main job - school - and his secondary job.

Dr. Debra

POLITICS AND YOUR TEEN

Lots of attention is being given in the media to the upcoming presidential election this fall.  Unless your teen has been living under a rock lately, he has to have heard something about the upcoming election.  A teen's reaction to politics usually falls into one of three categories:  indifference, the same position of their parents, or the opposite position of their parents.  How your teen expresses his political ideology can tell you how he sees the world and how he is developing.  Sometimes teens want to please their parents so they adopt the parents' political ideas as their own.  Other teens may want to differentiate themselves from their parents so they will adopt the opposite viewpoint.  And some teens just view political issues as something "boring that older people are interested in."  Talking about politics to your teen and getting him to express his viewpoint can be helpful for you in understanding your teen.  You need to make him feel accepted by you regardless of whether you agree with his thoughts or not.  This can open a door to get him to listen to your viewpoints also and start a real dialogue with him.  Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

We have been posting about working with your teen to start thinking and planning on summer. Spend some time this weekend talking with your teen about his thoughts about summer as a way to start the conversation. Dr. Debra

SUMMER AND YOUR TEEN

Summer is just around the corner. Your teen is probably getting excited about the end of school and having fun this summer. And summer should definitely be about fun. But is there anything you should be helping your teen think about to prepare for summertime besides fun? Summer can be a very rewarding time for teens; they can find time to do community service and engage in other activities that are enriching to them. During summer your teen should have fun; but help him use his time wisely to work on investigating interests he has. He might discover an interest which leads him to his future career. And volunteering can help him develop a sense of confidence and competence while he does something to help others. Dr. Debra

BEING A GOOD PARENT

Parents often worry about whether they are doing the right things to be a good parent. And parents worry that their child will not be able to take care of themselves when they leave home. I think that parents should look at their own definition of a "good parent". In looking at that definition, the first thing to think about is that there is no perfect parent. So striving to be that "perfect" parent is an impossible task. Being a good parent means trying to figure out what your child/teen needs at the moment, and what he will need to be prepared to leave home. Take the focus off of yourself and whether you are measuring up as a parent, and focus on your child's immediate and future needs. Each child is different, and some children will have needs that others will not have. But needs that all teens have include feeling cared for by a parent, feeling secure, and feeling important. A parent who meets these needs and who helps their teen prepare to be independent is a very good parent indeed. Dr. Debra

HAMSTERS ON A WHEEL: THE BUSYNESS OF SPRING

One of my patients told me that she felt like a hamster on a wheel as she tried to get everything accomplished by the end of the semester. This teenager tends to make good grades and is involved in a number of extracurricular activities. I find that many students and their parents feel this way as the spring semester is coming to a close. So how does your teen handle this stress? Some teens just feel overwhelmed and appear to be paralyzed in their ability to respond. Other teens tend to start acting out when they are overwhelmed – maybe not completing assignments or using alcohol and/or drugs. This very busy time provides an opportunity to help your teen by helping hi plan his day and weeks and set goals for completion of assignments. By helping your teen develop structure, you are counterbalancing the stress he is experiencing. Good luck. Dr. Debra

The Trayvon Martin Tragedy and Your Teen

Most of us have heard of the tragic shooting of Trayvon Martin, a 17 year old teen, in Florida by a neighborhood watchman. The information about the shooting is unclear at this time. The shooter had seen suspicious men in his neighborhood, which had recently had some robberies, and had called the police. The watchman had left his vehicle and reports that he was assaulted by Trayvon Martin which led to him shooting and killing the boy. The death of a teenager is a loss for all of us. I cannot help but imagine that the shooter must feel pain about this situation as well. With all of this information being in the media your teen may have heard about this. I have heard two teens this week express fear about being shot by someone. So how do we address this with our teens? We first need to get them to talk about how they feel and what they think about this tragedy. Getting your teen to talk freely about his thoughts and feelings will help you realize what you need to help him think through about this. Anytime there is a tragedy we must try to learn from the event. In this tragedy, you should discuss with your teen the risks he puts himself in when he is in strange territory, and how people might misinterpret his actions. Evaluating risk factors is essential for your teen to learn. I think you might want to help your teen try to think what about what the shooter was thinking about in the time leading up to the shooting and ways your teen could get himself out of a situation like this. However, whatever your teen learns about this, you should help him talk about his own reactions of fear and sadness about this event. Dr Debra

TEENS AND MISTAKES

We worry about our teenagers making mistakes – and some choices can lead to permanent effects on our teen's life. Some parents work hard to keep their teens from making mistakes. As a parent I understand this. But what happens to your teen if he does not have experience in making mistakes and then trying to solve the problems that have occurred because of his mistakes? He will not learn how to deal with the impact that the consequences of his behavior can cause. And when he has to deal with problems in the future, he will not know how to handle them. We need to help our teens think about what will happen with them if they choose different courses of action. And we need to realize that in spite of our best efforts, our teen will make a mistake. It is crucial that you help your teen think through how to handle his mistakes when that time comes. Dr. Debra

THE HUNGER GAMES

Tomorrow night is the midnight premiere of "The Hunger Games", a movie about teenagers who must fight to the death in an arena. Many teens have read the book series. Many teens will watch the movie. Do you know much about this new series? Many themes in the books are about loyalty to family, selflessness, and survival. These books will hopefully make your teen think about the things he/she has to be thankful for in his life. But I do think it would be important for teens to discuss the frightening parts of the book/movie such as how the government controlled whether a person lived or died. The themes of rebellion should be discussed as well. I strongly encourage you to either watch the movie or read the book if your teen has an interest in this. I think a lot can be discussed in a positive way with your teen and some very important topics are illustrated in this material. Dr. Debra

CYBERBULLYING

I just read an article about a teen girl in Maryland who posted on an internet sight that she was going to commit suicide if the school did not address the cyberbullying issue. She described how a "popular guy" has been terrorizing her and others on facebook and twitter. Some of his copied posts were listed in which he was clearly verbally abusive and devaluing of the young girl. From what I understood, teens had made the school aware of the problem but nothing had changed. The girl stated she believed she would have to kill herself in order to get the school's attention. I think this girl's response to the bullying clearly helps us understand how powerless she felt about the situation. The internet has a lot of power especially over teenagers. Facebook provides a very public stage often for "1000" friends or more to see how y ou are treated. How can we help teens understand the ramifications of cyberbullying? Let your teen know that this is wrong and if they know of someone who is behaving like a cyberbully or someone who is the victim of a bully, they each need help. You might discuss with your teen how one goes about getting help from their school. And you can help your teen learn to deflect bullying behavior in the hopes that he will never feel like he has to commit suicide to deal with a bully. Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: ST. PATRICK'S DAY

Tomorrow is Saint Patrick's Day which is filled with folks celebrating the patron saint of Ireland. Whether your family celebrates Saint Paddy's day or not, his story is very compelling. He was kidnapped from his family - and there is controversy as to whether he was born in Dumbarton, Scotland or Wales - and taken as a slave to Ireland. After escaping, he later returned there as a priest to serve the people of Ireland. The theme of being taken from your family could open a discussion with your teen about how Patrick must have felt when he left home so abruptly. You might be surprised about your teen's thoughts on leaving home. If you have not had that discussion, this might be an easy way to bring up the subject. Happy Saint Patrick's Day! Dr. Debra

Spring Break

This week or next week your teen will have the pleasure of having a week off from school – spring break. Teens, teachers, and parents often need a break around this time. So what do you do at spring break? Many parents work, although some families take time off during this week. How do you manage this week as a family? For those parents who work during spring break week, take some time to help your teen develop ideas of fun things to do during the day with friends or at home. Be sure to plan something for the family to do for fun sometime during the week. For families who are taking time off during this week, be sure to plan some time together. It is surprising how many people take time off but wind up not spending time together. But whatever you do, be sure to have fun. Because spring break happens all too fast and your teen will be in a whirlwind to complete the school semester once school resumes. Dr Debra

MARIJUANA AND YOUR TEEN

Teens may engage in marijuana useage because they believe that marijuana is a benign substance. Many teens tell me that they see on the internet and they hear from their peers that marijuana is "fun" and "everybody uses it". I have heard teens tell me that since marijuana is "legal" in Colorado and California that it can't be bad for you. From the teen perspective, I can see their point. However, marijuana has detrimental effects on the developing teen and young adult brain. Research has been released showing a greater risk for development of serious mental illness. Brain scans on marijuana-exposed young brain shows that the size of the brain can become smaller with marijuana use. Just google the article "Smoking Pot Shrinks the Brain." This is important information for any teen to know – and parents also. Discuss with your teen the ramifications upon their mental health from marijuana use. Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Sherri's discussion of parenting not being rocket science made me think. She is right; the big disconnect between our teen and us as parents is not about brain power but about communication. Ask your teen this weekend what he most needs help in learning from you to help him on the road to becoming self-sufficient. And talk to him about how you will help him and be sure to follow-up. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND BIRTH CONTROL

Parents struggle with when and how to talk to their teen about birth control. Sometimes parents wait too long and their teen has already become sexually active. As parents, we all struggle with not thinking our teen is old enough to be thinking about sex - and they usually are thinking about sex long before we realize it. Many parents believe that talking to their teen about sex is like giving them permission to be sexually active. I think that talking to your teen in a thoughtful way is the best way to help him or her with this issue. You need to educate your teen about the risks of being sexually active - and this includes the emotional risks, not just pregnancy and disease. You as a parent need to assess if you think your teen might be sexually active - then you have to decide whether to think about birth control for your teen. A lot of recent political discussion has centered on this issue. What most studies show is that the majority of teens who are sexually active are not using birth control. So having your teen take birth control does not necessarily mean that you are giving them permission for sexual activity. This is a difficult area for all parents. Dr. Debra

SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR TEEN: PREVENTING ISOLATION

Sherri's blog about parents being physically present but emotionally absent made me start thinking about how we use time with our teens. We get so busy with our own world of work and responsibilities that it is easy to not really think about how we could be most effective for our teens. I know I am guilty of multi-tasking when I am sitting with my teen - before I know it, I am checking email, looking at the weather report on my phone, thinking about what I have to do at work the next day. Doing these behaviors unfortunately sends a message to my teen that I am not putting time with her at the top of my list, and can lead to her pulling back from me and not telling me what is going on in her world. Teens who tend to isolate would be at even greater risk if they feel their parent is not present for them but is involved in things that they see as more important. And as we parents know, it is not that we think things are more important, but we feel pressured by our responsibilities. So how do we effectively spend time with our teen? BE PRESENT IN THE MOMENT. How do we do this? Put the cell phone on vibrate, turn off the laptop, and focus on talking to your teen. You might decide to do this through taking a walk, cooking a meal together, running an errand. Even though you might be engaged in an activity, it needs to be an activity that you are both workig at together. This provides a way to interact and you will find your teen opening up and telling you about his day or about something he is trying to think through - who knows, he might even ask your opinion. The most important thing about being present is that it is something you do INTENTIONALLY. So think about those times you have with your teen. How can you intentionally be present in the moment with him? Dr Debra

Parenting Video on Facebook

Parenting Video on Facebook: Too Much or Just Right?

I just finished watching an 8 minute video on you tube in which a man who works in information technology had posted his thoughts to his daughter. He had found a letter she had "hidden" from him and had posted to facebook about how angry she is about doing chores, etc. The father begins by reading the letter that his daughter wrote, which did have disrespectful language and expressed a lot of anger about her parents. After the father read the letter, he expressed how he felt about his daughter's language and her comments that the parents should be paying her for chores. He ended his commentary by pulling out a gun and shooting her laptop about eight times.

Is he too harsh? Or is he making a point that should be made to his almost 16 year old daughter? I do believe that a firm position on the use of the internet should be maintained. But I struggle with the idea of shooting the laptop. What do you think?

Dr. Debra

Video Games and your Teen’s Brain

Video games are popular with teens for many reasons. The stimulation of the game and fun is exciting for teens. And teens who struggle with social interactions feel some degree of mastery when they play these games – often retreating into their own little world in which they do have mastery. But how do these games do anything to our teen's brains that we should have concerns about at times? Some studies have suggested that watching these games can cause problems with how a teen's brain regulates certain chemicals related to attention and focus. This is especially important in those teens who already have attention and focus issues. And when you think about teens with awkwardness with social interactions – do we really want them doing anything that could interfere with their attention and focus when they are interacting with others? I don't think so. Teens can still play video games – but moderation is very important. Dr. Debra

BULLYING AND SOCIAL ISOLATION

Teens with social isolation may find themselves in a no-win situation. These students may be avoiding other students because they feel that they are not deserving to have friends due to their status as someone who is bullied. This creates a terrible cycle for the teen - he feels badly about his social status and feels worse once he is bullied. Then he withdraws more due to feeling badly after being bullied. How do we help these teens? We need to try to determine when we see a teen isolating himself what is going on in his world. Becoming socially isolated may be a response to several stresses: bullying, abuse, depression, social anxiety, substance abuse, family conflict, or peer conflict. As parents, we can try to determine what is causing the social isolation. If bullying is the cause, we need to meet with school personnel if the bullying is occurring in the school setting. Whatever the cause, we need to support our teen and help him find better ways to cope than withdrawing from others. Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE: SOCIAL ISOLATION

Sometime in the next few days talk to your teen about whether he feels socially connected. If he does feel isolated, talk to him about this and find out when he began to feel this way. Talk with him about ways in which he can feel more connected. Try to him or her problem-solve. If he feels socially connected, be sure to check in with him from time to time to make sure he still feels that way. Dr. Debra

SMOKING POT AND SOCIAL ISOLATION

A number of articles have been published in the last two years about the effects of smoking pot on the adolescent and young adult brain. We now know that teens and young adults who smoke marijuana regularly are at higher risk of developing a severe mental disorder such as schizophrenia. A recent article entitled "smoking pot shrinks the brain" shows how brain size decreases in the young brain with steady useage of marijuana. What else does marijuana do to the brain? Many folks report that they feel calmer, more mellow, less anxious with using marijuana. Marijuana does have a calming effect, but it is not a true antianxiety drug. Marijuana slows reaction time and the speed of processing information and has a sedative-like effect which makes people feel they are calmer. Some teens who are anxious and feel socially isolated will smoke pot with friends to try to feel like they "fit in" with other teens. This is their way of trying to develop a peer group. Anxious teens, especially those teens like Sherri wrote about with social anxiety, are at a greater risk to smoke pot and try other substances like alcohol for these reasons. Talk to your teen about pot and alcohol - there is a lot of misinformation out there that neither alcohol or pot is bad for you. Help your teen understand consequences on their brain and their future by using drugs and alcohol. And if your teen has anxiety, talk to him and try to problem-solve coping skills for him. Professional help may be needed, and if you think that is the case, seek out help. Dr Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Sherri has written two blogs about your teen's mental health and identifying if your teen needs help. This weekend and this week think about what you have observed in your teen's behavior. Think about whether there are any areas in his or her life that seem to be causing concerns for him. Talk to your teen to determine if he or she needs any assistance. Dr. Debra

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS AND YOUR TEEN

Every year many Americans make New Year's resolutions. The typical resolutions are usually along the lines of losing weight, exercising, saving money, improving a relationship, etc. And many Americans have good intentions about these resolutions. But the best of intentions can go to the wayside after the new year gets into the swing of being busy. How does your teen view your New Year's resolutions? Do they see you as breaking the same resolutions every year? Does your teen think that New Year's resolutions are something that is not taken seriously? I challenge you to find one New Year's resolution that you think is worth following this year - like taking time to improve your relationship with your teen - and let your teen see you work towards that goal. Dr. Debra

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve. Many friends are getting together to celebrate the beginning of a new year, 2012. The holiday season will be ending in an evening of merriment. Your teen probably will be seeing his friends as well. Tomorrow, the last day of 2011, try to take a few moments to think about what has been positive about the past year. Talk to your teen and help him reflect. If he is going out with friends, remind him about the importance of not drinking and driving, and how unsafe the roads can be on New Year's Eve because of all the folks who do drink and drive. Talk to him about his hopes for the new year, for 2012. And be sure to have a good time as we end the holiday season! Dr. Debra

END OF THE YEAR REFLECTIONS

We are in the transition time between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Many people spend time during this week with family and friends. Retail businesses are busy with sales and exchanges. The holiday lights are still blazing at night, the holiday new movie releases are playing, and people are still making merry. Your teenager is off from school this week and probably enjoying texting his friends and spending time with friends. This is a time of year to enjoy the company of those you care about and to start thinking about how the year has been for you. For many this has been a difficult year - one of tough financial times, losses, fears about the future. But amongst those concerns have also been moments of joy and insight. Talk to your teen about how this year has been for him - discuss the things that have been positive and the things that have been negative. Help him think through how he might have handled the negative moments in a way that he feels O.K. about today. And be sure to praise him for how he has handled tough times and for his successes. This is the time of year to be thinking back before we move before into next year. Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. We wish all of you a happy holiday season and hope you have a joyful time celebrating your family's faith tradition. Take a few moments to note the people who you have with you and treasure these moments. Let your teens know you appreciate them. Dr. Debra

FEELING LIKE CHRISTMAS?

All of us realize Christmas is four days away. We are all thinking about everything that needs to be done in these last few days to be "ready." So what are we getting ready for? We are focused on gifts and food to be prepared for family. And this is important - none of us want to be empty-handed for those we care for at this holiday time. After getting all these preparations made, what is left to do? Spend a few minutes thinking about what you want to remember next year about how you felt this season. Who do you appreciate in your life? Have you told that person or persons they are important to you? Will you see people who really matter to you? Try to spend time with these people and enjoy the time you spend with them - which can help you feel like Christmas is present. Traditions in your famiy are so important as a way to help you feel the spirit of the season. Faith traditions are important - and for many of us mark the highlight of the day. I wish for all of you that you have a feeling of peace this season. Dr. Debra

ONE WEEK AND COUNTING

ONE WEEK AND COUNTING

Christmas is one week from today. Many teens and their family members were shopping today for gifts. This week will be busy with wrapping gifts and preparing for the holiday. Everyone gets so busy this time of year with the "busyness" of the season. How do you handle this with your teen? Many families get very focused on trying to do everything to make their teen happy with material goods this season. This year try to spend time pointing out to your teen the importance of the season for you and your family. Through all the busyness, try to spend a few minutes each day talking with your teen. Help them with their tasks and help them make time to relax and just soak in the beauty of the season.

Trying to work on finding balance in this last week before the holiday is not easy – but is well worth it!

Dr. Debra

COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS

Christmas is two weeks from today. The media is letting us know that we need to be shopping to get everything completed in time for the holidays. We see these messages on television, on billboards, in the newspapers, on the internet. Our teens are noting these messages as well. So how do we handle the "countdown to Christmas" with our teens? Balancing the commercial messages with the spiritual meaning of the holiday is not an easy task. Realistically, we do look to give gifts so shopping is a part of the season. One way to think of shopping at this time of year is that more jobs are provided to people during this time. So your shopping helps the economy in the real way of providing employment. Spiritual preparation is very important during this time - and your teen may not get this message from anyone other than you. By spiritual preparation I am referring to reflections on faith and the importance of this time of year. I am also thinking about taking stock of relationships, especially family members and friends. Spending time with family, friends, and faith is a way to make the most of the holiday season. Help your teen think about how he is going to spend his time. And don't forget to factor in fun! Dr. Debra

FAMILY WEEKEND CHALLENGE

Christmas Eve is two weeks from today. Your teen is most likely both overwhelmed with schoolwork and excitement about the upcoming break.

Spend some time this weekend helping your teen budget his time for the upcoming week so that he can feel less stressed. Encourage him to also think positively about the upcoming holiday break. Dr. Debra

ISN'T EVERYTHING SUPPOSED TO BE FUN?

Today I was talking to a teenager who has not been going to school regularly. She started talking to me about her day when she skips school. In talking to her, she discussed how school is "boring." After further discussion, she told me that I did not understand that "everything I do is supposed to be fun." What has happened with our teens? I find that many of them see work as something "horrible" to do. Of course, I don't think any of us remember enjoying schoolwork, studying, and chores. Or do we? I have distinct memories of some chores being just that - chores. However, I also remember very clearly feeling a sense of accomplishment when I completed some tasks. Upon further exploration with a number of teens about this topic, I find that many of them do not do chores because their parents seem to have no expectations that they will do so. I think a major problem with never doing work and always having fun is that how do you know what real fun is? Leisure time is more enjoyable when you feel you have earned it. We need to help our teens with this concept, or adulthood is going to be "horrible" for them. Dr. Debra

Helping Your Teen Cope with the Loss of a Parent over the Holidays

The holiday season is here. Everywhere you look, we see families engaged in activities. The media shows laughing happy families. The joy your teen feels this time of year is important. But how does the teen cope who has lost a parent this year? Many of us do not think of a teenager's parent dying - the timing seems out of synch. However, it is not an uncommon experience for a teen to lose a parent. Think about your teen's peers. I imagine that you can think of at least one peer whose father or mother has departed this world. And how does that teen cope in what is a painful situation? The surviving parent is instrumental in helping his or her teen during this time. It is important to acknowledge the loss and grief involved in losing a parent. Developing a time of remembrance for the surviving parent to sit with the teen and remember important times with the deceased parent is critical. Looking at family photo albums or DVDs can help during this time. In addition to acknowledging the loss, celebrate the life of the parent. Remember the things about the teen's parent that bring a smile. And the teen should always be able to articulate what he/she thinks his parent would want him to do over the holidays. Please help the teen remember that he should enjoy the holiday season like his peers. But expect that there will be times which may bring tears. Dr. Debra

DIVORCE AND THE HOLIDAYS

Teens whose parents are divorcing or divorced often have anxiety about the holidays. In spite of the fact that visitation is usually outlined in divorce proceedings, the teen often feels torn about whether it is O.K. for him to be happy when with either parent over the holidays. Teens often think about how things could have been - and feel sadness and sense of loss. Parents must be sensitive to their children during this time. Sherri wrote an excellent blog about how divorced parents need to put their teens first. So the question is - how do people who did not like each other enough to stay together work together over the holidays? Communicating with each other about the holidays and how the teens will spend time with each parent is critical. Each parent needs to give their child permission to have fun while with the other parent. If the divorced parents can possibly be cordial to each other in their children's presence, this will help the child feel better about the holiday time. Planning traditions for each parent to have with the teen helps the teen establish expected routines which he willl look forward to experiencing. Divorced parents CAN work together over the holidays to make each person's holiday experience a positive one. Dr. Debra

CHANGING SEASONS AND YOUR TEEN

The season has changed from summer to fall. Your teen has made many adjustments - being back in school, the change in sports and other activities, the change in daylight savings time, just to name a few. Fortunately most teens are resilient and can adapt to change easily. But what about those times when your teen struggles with change? Sometimes stressors are enough that even just changing seasons can be the addditional stressor that interferes with your teen's ability to cope. We often don't think about change as a stressor, but to someone who is struggling already with school, work, or family issues this may be just the thing that keeps him from doing as well as he would normally do. So what do we do as parents to help our teens? Anticipation of how a change may impact your teen - whether positively or negatively - can help your teen adapt. And don't forget to talk about the postivite impact of change. This time of year can help bring family together for activities; teens look forward to having a break at Thanksgiving and Christmas school. Help your teen see that there are elements of change that are good for all of us. Discussing this can even lead to discussion of how one deals with bigger life changes - which all of us face at one time or other. Dr. Debra

WEEKEND FAMILY CHALLENGE

Thanksgiving is less than two weeks away. This weekend talk with your teen about what he likes about the Thanksgiving holiday. Talk with your family about how you will spend Thanksgiving day. Ask your teen to think about the things he is thankful for over the last year. And enjoy the beautiful fall weather. Dr. Debra

TEENS AND VIDEO GAMES

Video games are fun, no doubt about it. And our teens enjoy playing them. To tell the truth, so do most parents! Video games can help you relax and unwind. There is something satisfying in winning one of these games. Some video games can be played on-line with groups of people, which provides a feeling of community for many teens who may feel somewhat isolated at times. Is there anything about video games that may not be positive? Some studies have shown that prolonged video playing is addictive and can actually increase the levels of some chemicals which are elevated with addictive substances. And some teens while feeling a sense of community with on-line gaming may actually decrease the time they have available to make connections with teens in their community. Like most things that are fun, you can get too much of it. Help your teen find a balance in the amount of time he is spending with video games. Dr. Debra

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS APPROACHING

Everyone you look you see signs of Thanksgiving and Christmas. Halloween occurred one week ago, which tends to start the holiday season for teenagers and families. As a parent, I always have lots of ideas about the holiday season and usually find that we do not have enough time to follow through with these ideas. And my teenager has ideas as well as to how we should spend the holiday season. For the next eight weeks we should all enjoy the holidays with our family and friends. The best way to do this is to ask each family member what he wants most to do this holiday season, and discuss as a family how you will spend the holiday together.

Setting priorities during the holiday season is important - and I hope you will help your teens not lose sight that the most important part of the holiday season is time spend with family and friends and observing your family's religious traditions. So easily your teen can get caught up in the commercialism of the season - you should be a role model for him about how to balance this time. Some teens get in the trap of trying to "squeeze it all in" and don't enjoy their season because they are too tired or overwhelmed.

Plan now for your holiday season. Help your teen balance finishing the semester at school with the festivities ahead.

Dr Debra

Teenagers and Driving

One of the major rites of passage during adolescence is getting your driver's license. As parents, we approach our teens driving with mixed emotions. Most of us are glad that our teen is becoming independent and has accomplished the tasks necessary to get a driver's license. Most of us also worry about the many things that can happen during driving: accidents, kidnapping, drinking/driving, etc.How do we handle our concerns? Start discussing with your teen the ways to deal with different situations that may occur. Discuss the types of behaviors that can increase the risk of car accidents, such as texting or talking on the cell phone while driving. Help them understand the risks of injury as well as the risks of harming someone else. And be sure to talk about the risk of drinking and driving. But as parents, try to remember how you felt when you first started driving. One of my friends tells a story about how he had a car accident four days after getting his license. Realize that your teen may have an accident, and try to equip him with the best ways to drive safely to decrease his risk. This is a topic you will need to revisit with your teen on a regular basis. Dr. Debra